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Tue, 26 May 2020
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The truth about COVID-19 pandemic and what needs to be done

Bill Gates, Xi Jinping
In times of the global COVID-19 pandemic, we must take additional measures to combat dangerous misinformation and listen to the real experts in the fields of virology and epidemiology. People like Bill Gates, for instance, that software engineer with an honorary law degree.

Such experts should be given a platform and their messages should be amplified as much as possible.

While I don't fully agree with everything Gates and professionals like him propose, I think some of their ideas are worth considering, nevertheless.

I think the only way to stop the pandemic is to ensure that everyone is either vaccinated or has the antibodies developed through a previous exposure to the pathogen. In order to do that, we have to come up with some form of biometric system which will tie up a medical certificate to the person digitally.

Arrow Down

Arrested for prescribing fresh air, sunshine

Behind Bars
© Babylon Bee
Ventura, CA — Local physician Dr. Greg E. Meade was arrested and charged with endangering the public health after he prescribed a patient fresh air and sunshine.

"You know what the best thing for you to do right now is to go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy the sunshine," the dangerous madman told a patient. "Walk around, breathe in deep, take in the sun. It'll do you some good."

As soon as he said this, authorities busted into his office and tackled him to the ground. "We're puttin' you away for good, you anti-science maniac!" an officer shouted as he cuffed the doctor and walked him out to his patrol car. "Now society is finally safe from bigoted, backward, unscientific ideas like that going outside is good for you."

Smiley

Chinese government lays off entire propaganda department: American media doing much better job for them

chinese propaganda msm better job
© Politico
The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them.

"It seemed kinda redundant for us to have a state-run media when we have the American press," said President Xi at a press conference Monday. "The American media is carrying water for us. It's pretty incredible. We unleashed a virus on the world and lied about it for months, and the American press can't stop praising us. As long as they make their orange leader look bad, they'll repeat any line we feed them."

"Really, we Commies could learn a lot from the propaganda of the press over in America," he added admiringly.

The Communist dictator sat the nervous, state-owned journalists down and asked them, "What would you say you do there?" to which they responded, "We take the propaganda and tell it to the people." But President Xi wasn't fooled, saying that the American press already does that and the redundancy would be eliminated.

Luckily for the state-owned journalists and broadcasters who lost their jobs in China today, CNN was hiring.

Health

New York mayor reveals special red armbands for police enforcing lockdown

Red Armband
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city's quarantine on the Jewish community.

"The red armband represents our commitment to public health," he said. "City workers and police who want to show their loyalty to making sure undesirable groups are not breaking quarantine will be asked to wear the bands for easy identification."

"The third glorious era of New York will reign triumphant!" he cried, banging on his lectern. "Together we can reclaim the glories of our once-great kingdom!"

Sun

CNN moves headquarters to underground bunker after Trump touts benefits of sunlight

CNN underground bunker
Moments after Trump touted the benefits of sunlight at last night's press conference, CNN announced the news organization would be moving to an underground bunker.

The news company purchased a decommissioned Cold War bunker nearby. Frantic anchors and hosts scrambled to get underground as quickly as possible, not wanting to be associated with anything Trump said was good.

"If Trump says the sun is good, we're locking ourselves deep underground," said Brian Stelter, wiping tears from his eyes while saying goodbye to the world on the surface. "We urge all Americans to do the same. Sun bad! Sun bad!"

Comment: No news from CNN for the next 20-30 years?? If only...


Water

Trump says drink lots of water, lamestream media reports he told everyone to drown themselves

maddow joke trump water
© Babylon Bee/MSNBC
At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water.

"Water's tremendous, very powerful stuff," he said. "You won't believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It's amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I'm told. Ice is great for lots of things. Ice cream. Ice cubes. Igloos."

"Anyway, drink water."

Horrified journalists scrambled to warn Americans not to drown themselves in their pools and bathtubs.

"Trump says water is good -- but this is very misleading," said Rachel Maddow. "Did you know that water kills many people every year? These dangerous, unhinged remarks from the president could cause many to drown themselves. Plus, do you know what's hidden in water? Sharks. This president wants you to die from a shark attack!"

Representatives for various bottled water companies quickly released a statement distancing themselves from the president's remarks and warning everyone not to submerge themselves in the ocean for minutes at a time.

Syringe

Latest CDC computer model predicts between 0 and 12.6 billion new COVID-19 deaths by summer

Lab Techs
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 billion people will contract the disease and be completely dead by summer.

"The panel of experts came together to give Americans the true picture of what we are looking at," said Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as he pointed to lots of completely accurate up-to-date charts and graphs from the study. "This is not just the flu. This is going to wipe out between 0 and 12.6 billion people before summer hits."

As a result of the new predictions, the CDC has revised their guidelines for essential workers to continue wearing a face covering and regularly taking their temperature, but to also begin praying to whatever higher power they choose as they await the impending death of everyone on June 1.

Comment: We'll be lucky if it stays in the billions. Trillions, more like!


Chart Bar

Covid-19 only killing men and women? What about the other 57 genders?

This is the lede from an April 23 article in Science News:
covid gender
I don't understand this at all. The article purports to account for all deaths. Yet it states the death tolls only for "men" and "women." The question that goes entirely unaddressed — much less answered — is how many deaths there have been among the other 57 genders? The trans- homo- bi- phobic editors of that journal must be called out and shamed for this callous inequity. It is a national tragedy that deaths among these groups are apparently not even being tracked, let alone analyzed.

Sarcasm ends. Here is the headline from the article:
covid-19 gender
So science tells us that gender in humans is binary and the biological differences between men and women matter. Who wooda thunk it?

The concept of gender fluidity is an intellectual contagion that can thrive only in an environment where advancing frivolous, even outrageous, ideas has limited immediate practical consequences on people's health. The faculty lounge of the average college humanities department for instance. In an environment where getting it right has life and death consequences — such as a public health crisis — such ideas fade rapidly into irrelevance, like a nasty virus shriveling and dying in the noonday sun.

Smiley

Trump declares lockdown to be lifted for everyone except Hollyweird celebrities

trump hollywood sign
President Trump has announced a plan to reopen the economy and lift the states' quarantines on the citizens, but his plan applies only to regular Americans. Elite, Hollywood celebrities will remain quarantined indefinitely.

The president said the lockdown on smug, annoying Hollywood celebrities will continue indefinitely "for the good of the nation."

"For the good of everyone, we're going to reopen the economy -- but we'll keep the Hollywood celebs locked down in their mansions for a while longer," he said. "Once we can be sure their smugness and annoying, viral videos won't be spread to unsuspecting Americans, we can reopen Hollywood. But don't count on it happening any time soon."

Trump's recommended plan for reopening the economy calls for everyone to implement measures to start back up again in early May, and for Hollywood celebrities to continue to be kept under the strictest lockdown possible.

The plan was instantly met with rising stock prices and overall optimism across the nation, and Trump's approval rating skyrocketed to 103%. "Many are calling this the best plan, maybe ever," Trump declared.

Arrow Down

New York mayor unveils new social distancing program - snitches get rewards

Be a KAREN
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — At a press conference this morning, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled a new way that individual citizens can help enforce social distancing.

"It is up to every citizen to watch and monitor everyone else and report to the police anything they don't like," de Blasio said. "That's why we have created a new enforcement program: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance, or KAREN for short."

With the new program, de Blasio is asking everyone to become a KAREN and use a special hotline to report anyone they see who isn't following social distancing guidelines straight to the police.