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Sat, 22 Feb 2020
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Surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov declared winner of Iowa caucuses

In an unexpected twist for the Democratic primaries, surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov, a dual citizen of the U.S. and Russia, has been declared the winner of the Iowa caucuses.

"In Iowa primary, Clintonov defeats you!" she declared in her triumphant victory speech through her thick Russian accent. "This result show that American people are ready for, how you say, diversity in White House."

She was then informed that you say it just as it is spelled, "diversity."

Putin has endorsed the candidate, saying he respects her ability to rig elections and also fears for his life. "Hiltasha Clintonov is best for America," he said, sweating bullets, as an anvil dangled conspicuously above his head. "We in Russia say, 'Yes!' to Clintonov. Please do not hurt us."

In an unrelated development, all the other candidates have turned up dead.


Groundhog sees Jungian shadow, predicts everlasting winter of the soul

Meteorologists were flabbergasted today when Wiarton Willie, the popular weather rodent, emerged from his burrow and was frightened by the sight of the dark, undesirable aspect of his unconscious mind. The large rodent immediately scurried back underground, forecasting an indefinite extension of the cold season of the soul.

"We aren't sure what was different this year, usually he either calls for six more weeks of winter or an early spring, not unending self-inflicted spiritual torment." said local weatherman Bob Poplowski. "I mean, there's no umbrella for that!"

This was the first time Willie had projected such emotional and psychological importance upon the physical phenomenon of a shadow, leaving Wiarton, and in fact the rest of the country, unsure of what to expect over the next few months.

"I just wanted to know if I should plan my vacation for March or April," said Peterborough resident Langdon Montgomery, "and now I can't stop thinking about whether the violent, sexual urges I repress are as natural a part of me as the virtues I extoll. I hope this plunge into the untamed wilds of my subconscious doesn't last into barbeque season."


Dems who ran sham impeachment hearings horrified at Republicans running sham impeachment trial


Nancy Pelosi
Democratic leaders in the House called on their Republican colleagues in the Senate to run a fair and thorough impeachment trial instead of a farce as they did when they held impeachment hearings.

"We demand Republicans take this seriously and not make this into a circus as we did," Pelosi said sternly. "I would hope the Senate would carry out their solemn duty and not make this a big charade, you know, as we did in the House."

"This is a very solemn occasion, and Senate Republicans have a duty to treat it as such."

She then handed out big, commemorative foam fingers reading "IMPEACH 45."

Other Democrats echoed Pelosi's sentiments, with Adam Schiff saying, "Any impeachment trial that does not immediately railroad the president out of office despite the lack of any impeachable crimes is clearly a sham."

"How did I do?" he asked, concerned his performance wasn't up to snuff. "Can we do another take? I didn't really feel it that time. Let's try it again and I'll really sell it this time." He tried another take, but in a minor wardrobe malfunction, his eye popped out of its socket.

Ocasio-Cortez could not be reached for comment as she had somehow tied herself up with her own shoelaces (because she is dumb).


Swing low, sweet irony: Brexiteers couldn't burn EU flag due to European fireproofing standards

EU flag burn brexit fail
© Phil Taylor /SWNS.COM
Brexiteers were filmed awkwardly attempting to burn an EU flag in Bolton, Greater Manchester
Comical footage shows a group of revelling Brexiteers attempt to burn an European Union flag during Brexit Day celebrations - but fail "due to European fireproofing regulations".

The group try to light the flag as a show of protest but the flames quickly flicker out and the material simply appears to melt.

The revellers had, according to witnesses in Bolton, Greater Manchester, hadn't taken into account European fire safety regulations which require all flags to be fire-retardant.


Sweet revenge: 'Redneck' farmers withhold ingredients needed to make avocado toast from coastal elites

avocado toast

"Nooooo!!!" screamed one Hollywood screenwriter as his assistant nervously informed him there would be no avocado toast with his latte this morning. "I can't even!"
Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles.

"Until further notice, you'll have to farm your own wheat and grow your own avocados," a spokesperson for America's farmers said as he chewed on a stalk of Timothy grass and did other stereotypical farmer things. "Have fun! Yeehaw!"

Avocado farmers in rural parts of Florida and California reminded city dwellers just how juicy and delicious their avocados are. "Man, these are just perfect -- would go great on a nice, warm piece of toast. It would be a real shame if I didn't ship these to the cities, since I'm just a hick farmer and all."


People believe the coronavirus and Corona beer are related, Google trends show

Corona beer and virus
Online searches for "beer virus," "corona beer virus," and "beer coronavirus" have surged across search engines.

As authorities in China and across the world continue to struggle to contain an outbreak of the new novel coronavirus, curious internet users are wondering what the connection is between the deadly virus and Mexican beer Corona Extra.

Just to be clear, there is no connection between the Mexican pale lager and the outbreak — which has infected over 6,000 people in China and killed at least 132.

However, this hasn't stopped online searches for "beer virus," "corona beer virus," and "beer coronavirus" from surging across search engines since January 18, according to Google Trends data.


Babylon Bee purchases competing satire site CNN in major deal!

babylon bee cnn
The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good.

The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

"We've long admired CNN's ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we're thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee's umbrella," said site CEO Seth Dillon. "When you can't compete with hilarious satire like CNN, you obviously look for ways to get them on your team, and an acquisition seemed to make the most sense."

The new conglomerate organization will be called BNN. CNN writers and hosts will be instructed to simply keep doing what they're doing.

"We don't want them to change anything since you don't try to fix satirical content that's already incredible," Dillon said. "They'll just keep churning out incredibly skewed content in order to satirize the leftist media's inability to report anything without bias or prejudice."


Twitter trolls UK Examiner over publishing fake new blue passport with Monty Python quote

monty python britain UK passport
© express.co.uk
Screenshot of Daily Express blue passport with Monty Python inscription around UK coat of arms.
The Daily Express newspaper has been mercilessly trolled online after publishing a fake blue British passport that includes the quote: "Your mother was a hamster" from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The Brexit-backing paper posted a story on Wednesday with the headline: 'Britons will fly to 2020 summer holiday destinations on classic BLUE passport.' It pictured the outgoing burgundy passport which includes the "European Union" title alongside the new iconic blue passport with the hilarious Monty Python quote.


US Space Force logo may look like a Star Trek rip-off, or is it a Russian rip-off?

United states space force
© AFP / Getty Images North America / Gustavo Caballero
Reuters / White House handout
With the launch of a new logo for the US Space Force, cadets might think they've signed up to serve the Federation of Planets of Star Trek lore, but internet sleuths have uncovered another hidden connection - to Moscow, of course.

President Donald Trump rolled out the fresh logo in a tweet on Friday, immediately triggering comparisons to the iconic sci-fi series and its fictional space force, Starfleet. The similarities were hard to miss.

"Sure the Space Force and Star Trek have the same logo but everyone knows Star Trek has all sorts of time travel going on," one user said, providing some plausible deniability. "Obviously they went back in time and stole it. That's why Trump is suing Captain Kirk."

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Satirical 'historic landmark' plaque for Alan Dershowitz added to Epstein's former UES mansion

plaque epstein mansion
Controversial attorney Alan Dershowitz was back in the news last week when it was announced that he was joining Trump's legal team for his impeachment trial. Dershowitz, who previously defended O.J. Simpson, has had his career "marred by his association" with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein; Dershowitz has also been accused of sexually assaulting one of Epstein's victims when she was a teenager. Dershowitz denies the allegation and has countersued his accuser, calling her claims "lies, disparagement, defamation, harassment."

Now, a new guerrilla plaque at Epstein's former Upper East Side mansion has been put up to commemorate a massage that Dershowitz does not deny receiving at the location.

The unofficial plaque, which was put up last week at 9 East 71st Street, specifically references Dershowitz's comments last year when it was revealed that he had received a massage at Epstein's mansion. "I kept my underwear on during the massage," he said. "I don't like massages particularly."