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Mon, 29 May 2023
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Being a horrible bastard the key to longevity, finds report

Rolf Harris
© Waterford Whispers New
WHETHER you're a Nazi war criminal, a kiddie fiddler or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a brand-new study which found that the key to longevity is simply being a horrible bastard.

The newly published paper stated that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised carrying out the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centennial.

"Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived depraved horrible existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80," the report found, "in fact, we haven't found a Nazi war criminal in hiding who didn't surpass 90 years on this planet".


Biden: $10 million payment from Romania to his cat is 'totally legit'

biden cat satire bribe
In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.

"Listen, folks, it's none of my business what deals my cat is making around the world. I know nothing about it," said the President. "Willow is the smartest cat I know, and it doesn't surprise me to hear that he provided a totally real and legitimate and non-corrupt service to the Romanian government in exchange for millions of dollars which I'm sure was fully deserved and that I've never seen. I'm not corrupt. Do you think I'd be President if I was corrupt? Come on, man!"

Sources say the White House press pool let out a collective sigh of relief, happy that their concerns were so decisively laid to rest. "When the President says he did nothing wrong, you have to believe him," said recent Georgetown grad and White House Correspondent Krissy Persimmons. "That's just science."

Journalists were also told not to worry about the $3 million Ukrainian payment to Biden's dog Major, the $12 million Chinese payment to Dr. Jill, or the dead hooker found in the trunk of Biden's Corvette.

At publishing time, the White House cat was found dead of a self-inflicted hit-and-run.


Biden rally finally draws larger crowd than Trump

satire biden rally migrants texas border

Rally for Biden held on the Texas border
The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden.

"These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, the people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference."

Upon seeing the massive crowds, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow added, "This just goes to show that people are hungry for real leadership and real strength. President Biden is clearly delivering on that front."

Many news sites praised the crowd for its youthfulness and diversity. "Just look at how young of a crowd Biden pulls!" exclaimed Anderson Cooper. "All those unaccompanied minors — I mean democrat voters and it's all thanks to Biden."

When asked for comment, even Trump had to admit that it was a "tremendous and unbelievably large crowd of people that — to be quite frank with you — I could never draw, believe me!"

Arrow Down

San Francisco announces plan to release monkeys onto the streets to fling away all the poo

Monkeys on the Street
© Babylon Bee
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an effort to finally clean up the streets, San Francisco announced they will release several packs of monkeys into the city to help fling away all the poo.

"We all know monkeys like to throw poo," said John Hawkins, Director for the Department of Sanitation. "We have lots of poo. It's a match made in heaven."


Elon Musk apologizes to Magneto for comparing him to George Soros

elon musk soros magneto satire
© The Babylon Bee
After controversial comments that spooked investors in Tesla and Twitter, Elon Musk has finally come forward to apologize to Magneto for comparing him to the dastardly villain George Soros.

"I would like to say I'm sorry to Max Eisenhardt, also known as 'Magneto,'" said Elon in a statement. "My comparison was unfair. While Magneto is a conflicted and misunderstood character with real human motivations you can empathize with, Soros is an insane cartoon villain with an inhuman hatred for humanity. Not even close to the same person."

The Anti-Defamation League thanked Elon for the apology and expressed hope that he will do better in the future. "It is unfair to compare anyone, living or dead, to that evil, hollow shell of a man known as 'Soros,'" said ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt. "We certainly hope Mr. Musk chooses his words more wisely in the future."

When reached for comment, Soros responded by catching a fly out of the air with his tongue and asking one of his servants to turn up his heat lamp.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


CNN host sues Trump for assault and defamation after town hall

CNN and Trump
© Babylon Bee
GOFFSTOWN, NH — A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.

"He said things I didn't agree with. Even worse, he said things I didn't like," said Collins in a statement. "It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. It was assault, plain and simple. And defamation. I'm suing Trump for $5 million like that other lady."

Sources also reported Trump called the CNN host a "nasty person," which trusted fact-checkers have determined was false.


Mother Nature joking around: Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

iceberg penis shape canada
© Kenneth J Pretty
A penis-shaped iceberg floated by the town of Dildo, Canada, which isn't too far from the city of Spread Eagle and the town of Placentia.
It doesn't get any more apt than this: A photographer from the Newfoundland town of Dildo has captured images of a penis-shaped iceberg off the Canadian coast.

The suggestive 'berg consists of a column with a domed head protruding up from two oval rafts of ice. Photographer Ken Pretty captured a shot of the ice formation by drone near the town of Harbour Grace, which sits along — the puns keep adding up — Conception Bay.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the "dickie berg," as locals are calling it, has attracted international attention, with Pretty sharing news stories from as far away as Thailand and Taiwan on his Facebook page.

"I knew I'd get a lot of comments, but I didn't expect this much," Pretty told the news agency Saltwire (opens in new tab) on Friday (April 28).


White House announces illegal immigration has decreased 90 percent since they redefined it

Karine Jean-Pierre satire
© The Babylon Bee
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre restrained herself from a fist-pump to celebrate the win
The White House is claiming that illegal immigration is now down over 90% thanks to them redefining what illegal immigration is.

"The President's policy of making up fake words, definitions, and stats has had a real, positive impact at the border," said black gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Since reality itself bends to the will of whoever has the power to define it, we have been able to decrease illegal immigration drastically. We just decided that. With our words. Hooray for us!"

Experts were unsure how the numbers show a decrease in illegal immigration since unlawful border crossings are at record levels, amounting to an unprecedented humanitarian disaster. The experts quickly changed their minds, however, when they realized that the definition of "illegal immigration" had been changed by the Biden Administration. "This is genius!" said one expert.

At publishing time, the administration had also announced a record 100% approval rating after redefining the meaning of the word "approve.


How Ireland is celebrating the king's coronation

King Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
LIKE all other 8 billion inhabitants of planet earth, Ireland is 'Coronation Crazy' and is fit to burst with excitement at the prospect of King Charles donning a crown in front of adoring and loyal public.

And here's all the ways Ireland is celebrating the historic occasion:

- Special masses will be laid on around Ireland, allowing people a place to pray for torrential rain to hit London.

- Getting the calculator out and working out how much good £100mn could do for poor people across Britain if it wasn't been spent on a party for Charles.

- Generally staring in the direction of England incredulously while wondering if they should contact NHS mental health professionals on England's behalf.

- Any horse born in Ireland on Coronation Day must bare the name Camilla


Parents who raised kids on Disney movies about rebelling against parents not sure why kids are rebelling against their parents

parent child little mermaid
Local parents Dave and Stacey Martin, who raised their daughter on Disney movies that glamorized rebelling against parents, are flabbergasted to see their teenage daughter now rebelling against her parents.

"I just don't get it," said Dave Martin to reporters. "Every movie and song she listened to growing up featured positive messages about listening to her heart, and now she won't listen to me! It's so weird!"

Sources say Dave's conflict with his daughter came to a head last night when she defied her father like Moana to sneak out of the house like Ariel, which led to her meeting a strange man just like Pocahontas, only to hang out with the wrong crowd and get gender-confused like Mulan. "What on earth could possibly be influencing her to behave so recklessly?" said Mr. Martin.

At publishing time, the parents had addressed the situation by making their daughter stay home all weekend and do chores like Cinderella.