Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

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Flashback 'You can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American,' says president of nation founded by an insurrection

The president shot back at what he called "Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans" Monday as he claimed "you can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American" despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.

"Can you imagine Thomas Jefferson calling for the blood of tyrants? What if John Adams refused to pledge fealty to King George? England would've nuked us to oblivion. It would've been total malarkey anarchy!" said the unblinking Biden, unflinching in the face of a citizenry increasingly questioning whether he is fit to be president.

"Look, here's the deal, these Capitol insurrectioneserutes are traitors to American ideals because they wanted to challenge the results of an election," Biden confirmed. "I know this for a fact because a traitor is everyone who does not agree with me."

"We saw what happened," he continued, referring to the events of January 6. "Law enforcement agencies were speared with terrorist javelins dripping in blood, surrounded by carnage."

"These are all things that actually happened that I am not making up," he added.

At publishing time, White House officials had advised the president to stop saying "we saw what happened" in regards to the January 6 capitol riots because he keeps describing events that never took place.

Comment: The prognosticators at The Babylon Bee called it two years ago!


Biden deploys 'big, burly border agents ' to help block journalists' cameras

biden border reporters cameras satire
© The Babylon Bee
In response to the growing outcry over tens of thousands of migrants illegally flooding into the United States, President Joe Biden deployed federal agents to the southern border to help block journalists' cameras.

The president issued the emergency order as criticism continued to mount that he's doing nothing whatsoever to secure the border and probably has severe dementia.

"It's time to address these reports about the border, folks," Biden said. "To maintain our national security, I have no choice but to send federal agents to the southern border to keep journalists from reporting on the massive hordes of foreign nationals pouring into the country. These brazen acts of journalism will not be tolerated. There will be no more media reports about the thousand...million billion...hundred thousand...the...all of the...the folks down there. End speech. Go to Jill for ice cream cone."

The Biden administration has faced outrage from Republican leaders due to the brazen attempts of journalists to cover the story. White House insiders expressed hope that the deployment of federal agents would solve the problem. "We'll just send thousands of big, burly border agents to block those cameras," one source said under the condition of anonymity. "If no one sees what's going on, the problem doesn't exist! It's brilliant!"

At publishing time, the team of federal agents were confirmed to have been issued whips to help them deal with unruly photographers.


Colorado bans Trump from running: Officials concerned usual election rigging system could fail

colorado judges trump off ballot
© AFP/Getty/ justices appointed by Democratic governors, Justices, Richard L. Gabriel, Melissa Hart, William W. Hood III and Monica Márquez, all circled, voted to disqualify the former president
Facing critics over their 4-3 decision to remove Trump from the presidential ballot in 2024, Colorado's Supreme Court insisted it was a necessary step due to concerns the usual election rigging system could fail.

"I know we have all the normal rigging techniques available to us, but we're worried that Trump's lead could grow so much that those efforts will fail to protect our democracy as they did in 2020," said Justice Richard Gabriel. "Rest assured, we will not rest until we save democracy by making it completely illegal to vote for Trump. You're welcome, America!"

Pollsters confirmed that even with classic rigging measures like hackable voting machines, unmonitored drop-boxes, illegal immigrants, ballot harvesting, and universal mail-in voting, it may still not be enough to stop Trump from being reelected. Experts are urging unelected Judges to put additional measures in place.

At publishing time, Trump had responded by vowing to build a wall around Denver.

Black Magic

Russia Today leaks Moscow's plan to interfere with US elections - suspiciously shows Biden uttering a coherent sentence

© screenshot/RT"President Joe Biden" dancing in RT's latest holiday parody video
US President Joe Biden is actually a secret Kremlin asset and he's being teleoperated by lost Soviet technology from an undisclosed location in Siberia - at least, according to a parody video produced by RT and released on Tuesday as part of a holiday tradition.

Comment: Biden is a stooge alright, but, unfortunately, not for Russia.

RT Editor-in-Chief Margarita Simonyan stars in the two-minute video as the head of "Project Grandpa on a Leash," which takes the premise of 'Russiagate' conspiracy theorists, flips it on its head, and turns it up to eleven for good measure.

Comment: There's two glaring issues with this dastardly Russian plan: Americans' suspicions will surely be roused if they see Biden voice a coherent sentence and walk without falling over.

Santa Hat

Soros-backed DA prosecutes Illinois boy for terrorizing burglars

home alone collage
© The Babylon Bee
Pierce County's District Attorney has opened prosecution against an eight-year-old boy who reportedly terrorized two burglars robbing his parents' mansion.

The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks, including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula. "The child engaged in cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen known as the 'Wet Bandits' ," said District Attorney Ansel Hayden. "McAllister literally smashed Marv's face with an iron, when Marv wished nothing more than to rob McAllister's family while doing the child serious bodily harm."

Hayden said the youth's antics involved putting ice on the stairs, heating up doorknobs, and other tactics that put the men in peril. "What has society come to when a child can torture vagabonds just hungry for bread?," wondered Hayden aloud. "I will not allow this county to fall victim to vigilantism."

At press time, Hayden was preparing to file charges against the neighbor who stopped the kindly 'Wet Bandits' from biting off McAllister's fingers.

Santa Hat

Santa Claus shot down over Israel by Iron Dome

Santa with his Reindeers


Best of the Web: Anne and Joe argue about the Child-Killing Murder Robot

© UnknownChild-Killing Murder Robot in action
"I'm not so sure about the Child-Killing Murder Robot," Joe said after a sip of coffee while reading the morning paper.

"What??" his wife Anne exclaimed, visibly shocked.

"It's killed thousands of kids in its latest murder rampage," Joe said. "I'm starting to think maybe the Child-Killing Murder Robot isn't such a great thing after all."

"Well of course it's on a murder rampage!" said Anne. "Some people tried to turn it off!"

"Yeah the Child-Killing Murder Robot does that whenever anyone tries to turn it off," replied Joe. "And you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe they're trying to turn off the Child-Killing Murder Robot because they're sick of the way it keeps killing children and murdering people!"

"It's acting in self-defense!" Anne protested. "The Child-Killing Murder Robot has a right to defend itself!"

"It's been killing people constantly ever since that team of mad scientists invented it back in the forties, Anne! After a certain amount of child-killing and murder, eventually you've got to figure that maybe the blame is on the Child-Killing Murder Robot. At the very least I think our government should stop sending it batteries and ammunition."


Colorado saves democracy by not allowing people to vote for their preferred candidate

colorado supreme cour if appeals
In a heroic effort to save American Democracy, the Colorado Supreme Court has voted to prevent residents of Colorado from voting for their preferred candidate.

"I love democracy, and this is why we had to vote to overrule the millions of Colorado citizens who want to elect Trump through the democratic process," said Colorado Justice and white woman Melissa Hart after the vote. "Trump is a terrifying orange man and if he's elected he will likely grow to over 50 feet and rampage through the country killing people with his laser eyes. Our democracy is too precious for us to allow that to happen."

After Justice Hart's statement, the three other justices who voted with her stood and clapped in approval.

Democracy experts also applauded this democracy-subverting move to make sure democracy wasn't subverted. "Just think. If 4 people in robes hadn't taken away the voting rights of millions, we would have lost our democracy!" said journalist and democracy expert Linda Florgbott. "Thank God we saved it just in time."

At publishing time, Trump had gained another 12% in Colorado polls.


Capitol janitors opt to deep clean Senate chamber with flamethrowers

janitors us capitol clean flame throwers
© The Babylon Bee
The Capitol janitorial service made the executive decision to deep clean the Congressional hearing rooms today with military-grade flamethrowers.

"Lysol isn't going to cut it," said head of janitorial services Donovan Miller. "Light it up, boys!"

According to sources, the Capitol janitorial services discussed several options to address the Congressional offices before settling on torching the place. "We considered attempting to submerge the entire place in bleach," explained Miller. "Ask yourself though, even if they were bleached, would you sit on those chairs? In the end, we had no choice but to burn it to ashes."

Though the team started with the Congressional meeting rooms, the team burned down the remainder of the Capitol to be safe. "Incinerating the gift shop may have been a bit overkill, but we weren't taking chances," said janitor Max Dorian. "There is a level of grossness and infectivity when you're better off starting over from scratch. It was kind of cathartic, to be honest."

At publishing time, the British had thanked America for doing the respectable thing and burning down their own government this go-around.


Clarence the Angel shows Gavin Newsom what California would look like if he'd never been born

gavin newsom clarence angel satire california florida
© The Babylon Bee
Fresh off the case of George Bailey, Clarence the Angel embarked on a new mission over the weekend to show California Governor Gavin Newsom what California could be like if he'd never been born.

"I just picked him up and flew him over to Florida," Clarence explained. "Easiest job I've ever had."

Earlier in the day, residents had observed Newsom wandering the streets of San Francisco, muttering to himself about the futility of life. "I was supposed to be President! I was supposed to be the guy!" cried out Newsom. "Instead, I've spent my days toiling away in California -- and now, looking around at this crummy little state, what do I have to show for it? What has it all been for??"

It was then that Clarence the Angel descended to Gavin Newsom's side, arriving to visibly show Newsom the fruits of his life's work. "You're going to be given a great gift, Gavin - to see what California would look like if you had never been born!" exclaimed Clarence as they arrived in Florida. "Look at the unvarnished beauty of nature, walk the streets free of feces, see the livelihoods unruined, hear the laughter of children allowed to live! You see Gavin, each man's life touches so many other lives. See all the wonderful things that don't exist because of you? It really is a wonderful life here in Florida, isn't it?"

At publishing time, Newsom had reportedly taken the vision to heart, renewing his vow to become President so he could make Florida look just like California.