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Pope says Covid vaccine will now be required to enter heaven

Pope & Vaccine
© Babylon Bee
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis said today that God has informed him of a new requirement to enter Heaven: everyone must now receive the COVID-19 vaccine before entering the pearly gates.

"This is very important for the salvation of all people on Earth," Pope Francis explained. "We know that God lets everybody into Heaven because He loves us all and He doesn't really care what kind of mischief we get ourselves into in this life, but we must be wary of the greatest earthly sin of all: not getting the COVID-19 vaccine. God has informed me that He will not let you into Heaven unless you have received BOTH DOSES of this very safe vaccine."

Clock

Clocks to go back two years this weekend

Daylights Savings
© Waterford Whispers
AUTUMN is well and truly underway with the biannual changing of the clocks to take place this coming weekend, however, this year will be slightly different to previous years as the clocks go back a record 24 months to the year 2019, WWN can report.

"Due to Daylight Saving Time, we normally put our clocks back 60 minutes on the last Sunday in October, but due to the worldwide Covid pandemic we have decided instead to reclaim the last two years," explained Director of Clocks Going Back, David O'Clock, "hopefully this will give everyone back the time they've lost and there's absolutely no need to thank us. You're welcome".

The move will see October 31st, 2021, become October 31st 2019, sparking mixed emotions from across the world.

Smiley

Liberal parent tries to figure out how to cheer for son Brandon

sports crowd cheer
Local liberal Joe Bailey has for years enjoyed cheering on his son Brandon at his Little League soccer games, but lately that has proven difficult, since his cheering typically involves shouting the insurrectionist chant "Let's Go Brandon" from the stands.

"I try to be so careful, but every so often in the excitement, I let slip a 'Let's go Brandon!'" said Bailey. "Then all the parents join in chanting, the game devolves into fits of laughter, and all the Trump supporters are trying to give me a high-five. It's horrible!"

According to sources, Mr. Bailey has thought about changing his son's name to something like "Bandleigh" or "Braidlynio" to make things a bit easier.

"Woooo!" said Bailey as his son made a great play, trying desperately to avoid using the dreaded phrase. "Let's go... bud! Well played! Positive reinforcement!"

Just then, Brandon scored a goal, causing his dad to jump to his feet and involuntarily scream "LET'S GO BRANDON!", causing the entire crowd to join in.

Joe Bailey is now on 12 FBI watch lists.

Smiley

Facebook is planning to change its name

Zuckerborg
© Lowyat Net Forum
RUMOURS in tech circles suggest Facebook is planning a name change imminently.

Sources well placed within the trusted circle of the company's CEO Mark Zuckerberg have leaked a number of the names being reconsidered in a rebrand that if successful, will make the public forget about the 1,345 weekly scandals engulfing the social network.

While some branding experts have suggested the company's reputation is so beyond salvaging that cancer has a better chance of a rebrand, here are the contenders:

The Doom Machine

Rationale: better reflects users' true feelings towards the platform, and the eroding effect it has had on public discourse and the mental well-being of your aunt Sharon.

Acebook

Rationale: it's fun! It's fresh! It's much easier coming up with a new name than actually fixing the huge number of problems/legal trouble you find yourself in.

Havyurdata

Rationale: complain all you like, they have your data now and they're not giving it back, and with Havyurdata they'll have a name that reflects this reality.

Smiley

Strange: Google search for 'problems with Biden administration' returns zero results

babylon b ee google search no problems biden
© The Babylon Bee
A recent update to Google's objective, fair, and non-evil search algorithm has a few users concerned, particularly in regards to searches related to our benevolent President Joe Biden.

Clair Claireborne, a stay-at-home planetary physicist with an armchair interest in politics, heard that another member of her local cookbook club was disappointed in the Biden Administration. Having heard nothing negative herself regarding the President's tenure so far, she decided to search Google for the phrase, "problems with Biden Administration."

For the first time in her memory, Claireborne's Google search was met with a screen bereft of any results, only white pixels staring back at her.

"Frankly, I was shocked," said Claireborne. She explained how she had always relied on Google to guide her toward answers to important questions like how to construct an atlatl, the lifecycle of a pinworm, or whether Nancy Pelosi's net worth is really over $100 Million. (It is.)

After receiving feedback from millions of users, Google released a patch to help resolve the confusion. Now, searching any phrase that assumes negativity toward Biden displays search results from verified fact-checking sites like Snopes, as well as the helpful suggestion, "Did you mean: "Tell me why the January 6th terrorist insurrection coup was so egregious"?

Smiley

Biden promises to stop being a bad president if everyone gets vaccinated

joe biden creepy smile
As Americans struggle against runaway inflation, labor shortages, and supply chain congestion, President Biden has vowed to stop being a bad president if everyone will just get vaccinated.

"Listen folks, here's the deal," he said to the female Secret Service agent being forced to watch him skinny dip in the pool. "Haven't you all suffered enough? I promise to start doing a good job running the country if everyone will just get the jab, Jack!" And then, for emphasis, he repeated "just get the jab, Jack", except in a low whisper this time.

Press Secretary Psaki confirmed that Biden is doing an absolutely terrible job at being president to teach the American people a lesson on the importance of obeying vaccine mandates. "We assure you that once everyone in America is vaccinated, Biden will stop being awful," she said.

Biden also confirmed that if everyone wears a mask and gets the booster, he may even start working full workdays and take fewer naps.

To promote vaccination, Biden plans to travel the country and whisper the words "get vaccinated" into everyone's ears. If that doesn't work, he plans to pound on a lectern and say "get vaccinated" in a loud, angry voice. He promises that after that he will stop destroying the country.

Smiley

IRS agents bust 7yo for getting more than $600 worth of birthday presents

birthday IRS 600 presents satire
© The Babylon Bee
An elite platoon of airborne IRS agents parachuted into the Smithson's backyard during little Sally's 7th birthday party to enforce new requirements to track any financial transactions greater than $600.

Agents immediately secured the party area by puncturing the bounce castle and flex-cuffing BoBo the Juggling Gorilla. They then proceeded to thoroughly catalog all the excess income collected by the new seven-year-old.

Chief Airborne Auditor Alvin "Deduction Strangler" Clarke reviewed the agents' findings. "Cash payments in the birthday cards alone easily approach the $600 threshold, even though Papa Earl and Gigi clearly tried to cheap out with a $15 McDonald's gift card."

Clarke continued, "We also had a trampoline, several Barbies, and a few Lego sets, although we didn't find the Millenium Falcon that Agent Glenn was really hoping to find for his kids. I mean for the evidence in the case. That's right. A lot of the time I refer to evidence as 'Agent Glenn's kids.' Why wouldn't I?"

Sally Smithson spent the rest of the day filling out complicated tax forms while the surrounding agents ate her cake and ice cream. "This is an important lesson for a young American to learn," said Agent Clarke. "Remember, Sally, always check with the government before you do anything. And don't forget to check that box about donating $1 to the presidential campaign fund. Support democracy!"

Smiley

Make them practice what they preach!

You think FFF kids are mad at their parents for trashing the planet? That's nothing compared to their anger when you ask them to walk the talk.
Angry Greta
© Cropped from YouTube Video
Angry Greta.
At FaceBook, two German parents of a young schoolgirl decided that if their daughter was going to skip school on Fridays and demand the rest of the world start being responsible for the planet as Greta and Fridays For Future prescribe, then she should begin to do so at home.

Well, that didn't go over too well.

Here's what the two parents wrote: (in German)

Smiley

Southwest Airlines offers free flights to all passengers who are vaccinated and can fly a plane

commercial jet amateur pilots
© The Babylon Bee
A spokesperson for Southwest Airlines has announced delays in flights due to strange weather that seems to pass over competitors' planes, only affecting their own signature blue and orange aircraft. The airline has stated these delays have no connection to their pilots protesting vaccine mandates.

The spokesperson then announced a new Southwest Airlines incentive program for potential passengers: All flights, domestic or international, are free to any passenger who is vaccinated and can also fly a plane.

"The requirements to take advantage of these incredible savings are simple," said Southwest CEO Bob Southwest to a crowd of customers who have been stuck at the airport all weekend and were frothing at the mouth in anger. "Show us proof of vaccination against COVID-19 and promise us you know how fly commercial airliners, and your flight is on us."

The CEO then mentioned other skills that were not required, but beneficial: Experience calming herds of rabid, sleepless passengers, expertise in flying through mysterious, invisible weather events, and the ability to land the plane.

Smiley

Infrastructure bill includes Capitol building expansion to hold Pfizer lobbyists

Satire:

Infrastructure Bill Includes Capitol Building Expansion To Hold All The Pfizer Lobbyists
Pfizer & Capitol Building
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate leaders revealed today that Biden's "Build Back Better" infrastructure plan will include $86 Billion for a brand-new Capitol Building construction project. The Capitol will be expanded to hold 100 Senators, 435 Representatives, and 1,423 Pfizer lobbyists.