"Listen people-- I know there are some accusations against me out there, but can we focus on the real issues?" said Cuomo to a roomful of reporters who had recently received a memo telling them it was time to stop protecting the governor.
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"Listen people-- I know there are some accusations against me out there, but can we focus on the real issues?" said Cuomo to a roomful of reporters who had recently received a memo telling them it was time to stop protecting the governor.
© The Babylon Bee
"The last thing we need is a bunch of sissies from California moving to our beautiful state of Texas and screwing everything up and turning the state blue!" said Governor Abbott during a Lubbock Chamber of Commerce event. "Too many Californians have entered our state. Too many ridiculous liberal ideas have already been proposed. This must end. It's time to open Texas 100%."
Governor Abbott continued, "We believe that by removing the mask requirement that all of the Californians will flee in terror, restoring our state to its former glory. As soon as they see the joy and hear the laughter of our citizens returning to normal life, they'll be sure to pack up and leave at once."
The Governor has strategically placed "No Masks Required" stickers on all Texas state signs warning all who enter of what lies beyond. He has expressed hope that this will send any namby-pamby who reads it back around to where they came from. "We tried buying and carrying more guns around, but somehow that didn't work. Then we tried driving around in big, lifted, gas-guzzling trucks, but they still kept coming. But now by removing our masks for good Texas can finally start to heal."
After seeing immediate results by reversing the mask mandate, Governor Abbott has been looking for more ways to scare off the cry-baby cowards. He has now removed all social distancing guidelines and even encouraged citizens to stop washing their hands.
"This is just a formality, really. We've been in our own little world for some time now, as everybody knows," he said at an afternoon press conference announcing the decision. "I mean, we're fighting to jail restaurant workers who give customers plastic straws, for crying out loud! Hahahaahahoooo boy!"
"In any event, let it be known henceforth that the State of California categorically renounces all ties to so-called 'reality,' and will continue governing our people without any regard for objective facts, morality, or sanity."
At publishing time, rumors were swirling of a new motion to rename California "La La Land."
"Listen, it's a simple question," said Senator Paul. "Should we, or should we not allow 3-year-old kids to electrocute themselves by sticking a giant knife into a plugged-in toaster?"
"That is a very interesting question about a complicated issue," answered Levine.
"The stimulus checks, see, they're just an idea," he said, shrugging off claims that the stimulus checks were supposed to be actual checks sent to Americans. "They're more of a metaphor. You might say the real stimulus checks were just the countries we bombed along the way, Jack. The real stimulus checks, ya see, they were inside us all along."
"You there, the grrr-- the girl with the pretty hair," he said, gesturing toward a reporter in the front row. "You're a stimulus check. And you, the guy with the mustache -- you're a stimulus check. In a way, all of us are stimulus checks when we live according to the American values of love, progress, and unity. We can all become the stimulus checks we wish to see in the world."
Biden's statement brought everyone in the room to tears, and Snopes quickly fact-checked his claim that the stimulus checks were never intended to be literal but were always "just an idea" as "double-plus true."
© Russia’s Foreign Ministry
The Russian delegation swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.
The Russian delegation swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.
The DPRK has always been a closed state, but getting in and out of it became even harder after the coronavirus hit. Eight diplomats and their family members, who returned to Russia from the country on Thursday, swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.
© The Babylon Bee
"We know the world looks to cookie companies like Nabisco for all their guidance in matters of sexual ethics," said the company's CEO F. Ross Johnson. "After a quick meeting with our new diversity coordinator who graduated from college last week, we decided it was time for Oreo to be a part of the solution rather than part of the problem."
"We are proud to introduce new OreX to the world!"
The new cookies will ditch the white cream for an androgynous blend of pink and blue. The recipe will also be changed, using 100% trans-fats.
"If you don't eat our 100% trans-fat cookies," added Johnson, "you're a bigoted transphobe and on the wrong side of history."
Mike Lindell, the founder of MyPillow, responded to Nabisco's announcement announcing his plans to start his own cream-filled chocolate cookie company called "Heter-Oreos" that affirms traditional Christian sexuality.
Nabisco responded to Lindell's announcement with a cease and desist order.
© The Babylon Bee
"We are proud of our cute little containment cubes," said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. "Look at them all neat and tidy , lined up in a row! Hahahahahaha!"
The new administration has assured the American people that the containment cubes are "completely different" than the evil cages Trump used to use, mainly because they are called "containment cubes" instead of cages.
Social workers on the border confirmed the children will be given up to three meals per day, will be allowed to attend anti-racism classes on Zoom, and provided with free air conditioning--at least when the power is working.
Children will be kept in these highly humane holding units until the cubes can be conveniently loaded onto a truck and shipped back to South America.
Brought to you by:
"Wow-- we had no idea!" said Dr. Samuel Müller, a biology professor at Harvard. "As it turns out, Hitler was just following the scientific consensus around eugenics that was shared by every respected scientific institution at the time! He was just following the science! What a great guy!"
According to experts, the seeds of the eugenics movement were planted by Darwin himself in his book The Descent of Man. Darwin's own son Leonard Darwin, and his cousin Francis Galton went on to found the eugenics movement. The goal of the movement was "self-directed evolution," improving mankind by weeding out those deemed genetically "unfit." Experts say that Hitler latched on to this movement, which resulted in the murder of millions of innocent people.
Comment: See also:
- Darwin Day: Discovery Institute's Video series "Secrets of the Cell with Michael Behe"
- Despite Darwinists' cancel culture, intelligent design achieves breakthrough in mainstream biology journal
- Here's how to fight the censorship of Intelligent Design — in a "nutshell"
- Evolution News' 'Long Story Short' video debuts delightful whale of a webinar
- Finally, an origin-of-life scientist debates evolution skeptic James Tour
- With a hopeful message about life's "X factor," episode 5 of secrets of the cell is well timed
© Twitter/ White House
Biden's White House Twitter account posted two images in a row captioned "How it started. How it's going" on Wednesday. The first showed Biden and Trudeau walking side by side down a hallway lined with flags, apparently from Biden's term as Vice President under Barack Obama. The second featured a large screen on which Trudeau was projected, with Biden turned towards it, seemingly in mid-speech, clearly taken during the pandemic.
It's not clear what message Biden was trying to send with the meme, which - if interpreted in the typical way - suggests that Biden talking to the larger-than-life Trudeau represents a deterioration of relations. The meme began life as a way for people to sum up the arc of their romantic relationships, but shortly after its arrival became used almost exclusively in a sarcastic manner.
Comment: Skipped right past 'Oreas', to go full woke. Bold move Nabisco!