Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Biden cleverly distracts from Texas civil war by starting world war

joe Biden
Joe Biden
As tensions between the federal government and 25 red states over securing the border continued to stoke fears of another Civil War, President Biden cleverly distracted a concerned American public by announcing the start of a new World War.

"It's time to bomb Iran!" said the President to a bowl of melted ice cream on his nightstand. "Those whipper-snappers have been living on borrowed time ever since they chased me and the boys around the pool with switchblades. And if that doesn't do the trick, we'll bomb Russia and China as well. Not a joke!"

Many critics who overheard the conversation questioned the wisdom of such a move, but some in the Republican Party applauded the President's firm stance. "Did someone say 'bomb Iran?'" said Senator Lindsey Graham. "Ooooh baby, I usually wait until the third date for that kind of talk! Is it hot in here?"

Former National Security Advisor John Bolton also applauded the move. "There's nothing I love more than waking up in the morning to the news that we're bombing someone," he said over a breakfast of raw fish being tossed directly into his mouth. He then clapped and grunted loudly.

Experts predict that a Biden World War with a nuclear Iran might take the public's minds off Civil War for at least a couple of weeks. After that, the administration may be forced to activate Taylor Swift.


Texas plants razor wire around the Alamo for final stand against Biden

alamo razorwire white house satire
© The Babylon Bee
With the Biden administration challenging Texas' right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

"This is why we remember The Alamo," said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. "Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it's a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing."

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor's plan. "Sure, the Alamo fell once," admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. "But Davy Crockett didn't have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances."

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. "Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason," explained local man Raul Gonzales. "It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I'm so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed."

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.


Nikki Haley sweeps Dixville Notch's primary, winning all SIX votes!

nikki haley new hampshire
© Robert F. Butaky, APRepublican presidential candidate former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley speaks at a town hall campaign event in Manchester, New Hampshire.
The six registered voters of tiny Dixville Notch in New Hampshire all cast their ballots for Nikki Haley at midnight on Tuesday, giving her a clean sweep over former President Donald Trump and all the other candidates.

The resort town was the first place in the nation to vote in the 2024 primaries. The voters were outnumbered more than 10-to-1 by reporters from every corner of the globe — not to mention by a pile of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

Dixville Notch has a tradition of first-in-the-nation voting that dates back to 1960, with the results announced just a few minutes after midnight.


Jan 6th pipe bombs revealed to have sticker reading 'please return to FBI'

pipe bomb fbi satire
© The Babylon Bee
After three years and countless hours of investigation, the mystery of the pipe bombs found on January 6th has been solved after a sticker was found on the pipe saying "Please Return To FBI".

New suspicions emerged about the bombs' origin after video surfaced of police waiting for approximately sixty seconds to respond to reports of a suspicious pipe by a bench. "As soon as I saw police not immediately sprinting towards a strange pipe, I was suspicious," said journalist Benjamin Royce. "Usually, police run as fast as possible towards pipes and bombs. Their delay could only be explained by the police already knowing the pipe was a bomb, that the bomb was a dud, and that it was planted by the FBI as a false flag operation. At last, the discovery of the 'Return To FBI' sticker has proved all of our suspicions true."

Embarrassed FBI officials admitted that after three years of deception, their ruse had been discovered. "How did we miss that sticker?" cried FBI agent John Rogers, slapping himself on the forehead. "We spent so much time doing nine hundred interviews to make it look like we were investigating the pipe bombs, only to forget that darn sticker. What chumps we are!"

At publishing time, the FBI had sent its shamefully inept false-flag team to false-flag planting remedial school.


New film adaptation of '1984' to feature Big Brother as the good guy

satire film 1984 adaptation
© The Babylon Bee
At a press conference this week, Sony producers announced the production of a new modern adaptation of George Orwell's dystopic novel 1984 that will feature the character of Big Brother as the good guy.

"We felt like it was time to update the story to fit a modern audience," Sony producer Glen Maxwell told reporters. "After seeing how censorship and totalitarianism have grown in popularity over the past few years, we think Big Brother is probably a better protagonist than Winston Smith. Big Brother's insistence on absolute compliance fits better with current progressive ideals."

The film will feature a sympathetic Big Brother working with the state to better the lives of millions by implementing strict adherence to DEI policies, CRT teachings in schools, and CDC guidelines throughout society.

"After seeing how much people craved rules and control during the Covid pandemic, we decided it wouldn't accurately depict what society looks like right now to have a protagonist who goes against the state narrative," Maxwell commented. "I mean, we didn't have to do much with the script, we just used a bunch of Anthony Fauci quotes from the past few years and filled in the blanks. 'I am the science.' Pure Big Brother gold!"

The film is set to release next year and will star Mark Ruffalo, with a supporting cast including George Takei and Susan Sarandon, and will be directed by Rob Reiner.


Boeing CEO assures nervous fliers that all 737 aircraft are built to the highest diversity standards

Boeing aircrat company CEO Dave Calhoun
Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun
Amid growing concerns over safety after several devastating mechanical failures on Boeing 737-9 Max aircraft, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun assured hesitant travelers that all their aircraft are built according to the highest standards of diversity.

"I know everyone is nervous about the doors of their planes blowing off the aircraft mid-flight or the entire fuselage buckling due to faulty parts, but let me assure you: Boeing is diverse," said Calhoun in a CNBC interview. "In fact, our design and manufacturing crews are the most diverse in our company's history. Nothing to worry about."

Boeing is facing NTSB investigations after several mechanical failures that caused Alaska Airlines to ground all 737-9 Max aircraft. Calhoun said such concerns are unwarranted. "We have women, people of color, and even autistic paraplegics working on the 737," he said. "There's nothing safer than a plane built by diversity!"

At publishing time, 3 more airlines had grounded the aircraft, likely because they hate diversity.


DOJ sues Texas: 'It's against the law to pass a law to enforce the law'

merrick garland illegal aliens migrants
© The Babylon Bee
The Justice Department has sued Texas over its new law outlawing illegal immigration, alleging that it is, in fact, against the law to pass a law requiring enforcement of the law.

The move is only the latest in a back-and-forth line of legal wrangling between the Biden administration and the Lonestar State to address the hundreds of thousands of illegal migrants flooding across the southern U.S. border, with the White House staunchly standing by its argument that enforcing laws is a violation of the law.

"Texas has no business protecting its citizens," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "The sheer audacity of a state to think it has the authority to look out for the best interests of its people is astounding. We are prepared to bring the full weight of the United States government to bear to stop this brazenly illegal act of enforcing the law. Law and order? Not on our watch, Texas!"

Texas drew the ire of the DOJ after taking a hardline — and according to the federal government, extreme — stance when it comes to pressing charges against people who break laws. "This doesn't seem like it should be rocket science, but we'll keep fighting," said Texas Governor Greg Abbott. "I never thought it would be so controversial to refer to people who commit crimes as criminals."

At publishing time, the Department of Justice was reportedly considering filing charges of domestic terrorism against Texas for refusing to let more foreign terrorists into the country.

Pumpkin 2

Flashback 'You can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American,' says president of nation founded by an insurrection

The president shot back at what he called "Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans" Monday as he claimed "you can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American" despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.

"Can you imagine Thomas Jefferson calling for the blood of tyrants? What if John Adams refused to pledge fealty to King George? England would've nuked us to oblivion. It would've been total malarkey anarchy!" said the unblinking Biden, unflinching in the face of a citizenry increasingly questioning whether he is fit to be president.

"Look, here's the deal, these Capitol insurrectioneserutes are traitors to American ideals because they wanted to challenge the results of an election," Biden confirmed. "I know this for a fact because a traitor is everyone who does not agree with me."

"We saw what happened," he continued, referring to the events of January 6. "Law enforcement agencies were speared with terrorist javelins dripping in blood, surrounded by carnage."

"These are all things that actually happened that I am not making up," he added.

At publishing time, White House officials had advised the president to stop saying "we saw what happened" in regards to the January 6 capitol riots because he keeps describing events that never took place.

Comment: The prognosticators at The Babylon Bee called it two years ago!


Biden deploys 'big, burly border agents ' to help block journalists' cameras

biden border reporters cameras satire
© The Babylon Bee
In response to the growing outcry over tens of thousands of migrants illegally flooding into the United States, President Joe Biden deployed federal agents to the southern border to help block journalists' cameras.

The president issued the emergency order as criticism continued to mount that he's doing nothing whatsoever to secure the border and probably has severe dementia.

"It's time to address these reports about the border, folks," Biden said. "To maintain our national security, I have no choice but to send federal agents to the southern border to keep journalists from reporting on the massive hordes of foreign nationals pouring into the country. These brazen acts of journalism will not be tolerated. There will be no more media reports about the thousand...million billion...hundred thousand...the...all of the...the folks down there. End speech. Go to Jill for ice cream cone."

The Biden administration has faced outrage from Republican leaders due to the brazen attempts of journalists to cover the story. White House insiders expressed hope that the deployment of federal agents would solve the problem. "We'll just send thousands of big, burly border agents to block those cameras," one source said under the condition of anonymity. "If no one sees what's going on, the problem doesn't exist! It's brilliant!"

At publishing time, the team of federal agents were confirmed to have been issued whips to help them deal with unruly photographers.


Colorado bans Trump from running: Officials concerned usual election rigging system could fail

colorado judges trump off ballot
© AFP/Getty/ justices appointed by Democratic governors, Justices, Richard L. Gabriel, Melissa Hart, William W. Hood III and Monica Márquez, all circled, voted to disqualify the former president
Facing critics over their 4-3 decision to remove Trump from the presidential ballot in 2024, Colorado's Supreme Court insisted it was a necessary step due to concerns the usual election rigging system could fail.

"I know we have all the normal rigging techniques available to us, but we're worried that Trump's lead could grow so much that those efforts will fail to protect our democracy as they did in 2020," said Justice Richard Gabriel. "Rest assured, we will not rest until we save democracy by making it completely illegal to vote for Trump. You're welcome, America!"

Pollsters confirmed that even with classic rigging measures like hackable voting machines, unmonitored drop-boxes, illegal immigrants, ballot harvesting, and universal mail-in voting, it may still not be enough to stop Trump from being reelected. Experts are urging unelected Judges to put additional measures in place.

At publishing time, Trump had responded by vowing to build a wall around Denver.