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Mon, 29 Nov 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Hard-working plumber looks forward to paying for his neighbor's gender studies degree

plumber kitchen
With Democrats proposing the mass cancellation of student debt, successful Americans around the country are really looking forward to paying taxes to relieve the debt of people who purchased expensive yet useless college degrees. One local plumbing contractor, Sam Caughorn, is really looking forward to paying the tab on his neighbor's $89,000 gender studies degree.

"Listen, I'm just a plumber," he said. "I didn't go to college, but I work hard and support my family. I don't know about all that high-falutin gender stuff they teach in college, but I'm sure it must be important since it's so expensive! Happy to help out another person in need."

According to studies, there are millions of white girls working at coffee shops across the country while struggling under the crushing student debt they acquired by irresponsibly obtaining college degrees that gave them no marketable job skills. Benevolent politicians have proposed transferring all the wealth from trade workers and minority business owners to help indebted white girls with their student loans so they can still afford their daily latte and cat food expenses.

Local gender studies major Amber White is looking forward to having all her debt forgiven, thanks in part to the contributions of plumbers like Sam Caughorn. "I'm so thankful for the generosity of our Democrat leaders!" she said. "They really look out for the little folx. Also, down with capitalism and white men!"

According to sources, Sam Caughorn owns a successful business he started right after high school. He also has 5 kids, a nice house, and serves as a deacon at his church. "I guess I can spare some change for poor disadvantaged girls like Amber," he said.


QAnon Shaman wishing he had just burned down a car dealership in Kenosha instead

qanon shaman kenosha fire
Jacob Chansley, also known as the "QAnon Shaman", or "Buffalo Hat Guy", has been sentenced to 41 months in prison. According to sources, he expressed his regret that he didn't do something more peaceful, like burning down a car dealership in Kenosha.

"Dude, I dunno what I was thinkin' man," said Chansley as his hands and feet were bound for the long march back to his cell. "I wish I had just looted a Nike store, or beaten a Trump supporter within an inch of his life, or burned down an entire city block for social justice. Kamala Harris would have bailed me out and a Democrat DA would have dropped all the charges! I was so stupid!"

Leftists have condemned the sentencing, insisting it should have been much harsher.

Comment: See also: 'QAnon Shaman' jailed for more than three years in most severe 6 Jan riot sentence yet


Kyle Rittenhouse asked to step outside and defend the courthouse while verdict is being read

kyle rittenhouse protecting court
Moments before reading the verdict, the twelve jurors in the trial of Kyle Rittenhouse asked if the defendant would please step outside and defend the courthouse.

"We, the jury will perform our constitutional duty and declare the verdict in this case," said one sweating juror, "But we, the jury also don't want to die."

"Objection, your honor, Rittenhouse does not possess an AR-15 to defend the courthouse; I have the AR-15," said the prosecutor, swinging the weapon wildly about as onlookers nervously ducked behind benches. "Besides, protestors are heroes, people of upstanding character, and victims."


U.S. military switches to swords and bows to meet carbon neutral goals

US Military
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There's meeting diversity quotas. There's Critical Race Theory training. And there's helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They're now switching all weapons to swords and bows.

"We have a deadly enemy out there," announced General "Sparkles" McKenzie, "and it's called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night."


AOC: There's too much division in our country, addition and subtraction are hard enough!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
During an appearance on All In with Chris Hayes on MSNBC earlier this week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned the rise of division in our country "when addition and subtraction are hard enough."

"What do you think about the state of politics, of all this division that we see everywhere in our nation?" Hayes asked.

Ocasio-Cortez thought for a moment before responding, or at least paused to give the appearance of thought: "I'm against division." The audience applauded.

Hayes nodded sympathetically, motioning for the studio audience to quiet down. "And what is it about division that you think harms discourse in this country?"

Again, there was a faint glimmer of thought in her eyes before she responded: "I think, like, numbers and stuff? Carrying the numbers left and right and back and forth is a lot to ask of people, and I think we're ready for a return to, like, what this country was founded on, like, addition. Maybe some subtraction. Addition and subtraction are hard enough. So, to like, have division is a capitalist construct."

Hayes stared on, dumbfounded. "Haha, no, I mean, division in the sense of---"

"Are you, a white male, mansplaining to me!?" Ocasio-Cortez snapped back, drawing cheers from the crowd. "Division -- especially long division -- is a natural part of a harmful, white supremacist society founded on hateful ideas like liberty and individualism. Any nation that tells people they must take one number and put it into another number cannot long survive."

"And don't get me started on multiplication!"

Pumpkin 2

Liberals accuse Rittenhouse of trying to avoid punishment through legal loophole known as 'trial'

rittenhouse trial

Kyle Rittenhouse
Leftists are sounding the alarm that Kyle Rittenhouse — a notorious slayer of white communist pedophiles — may escape punishment through a little-known legal loophole known as a "trial."

"This is very concerning," said Chip Cordray, progressive legal expert covering the case. "Using this obscure loophole, Rittenhouse's fate will be decided by an impartial jury of peers based on evidence, rather than the whims of noble communist revolutionaries on Twitter — such as Bette Midler and Joe Biden."

Experts confirm that if Rittenhouse is found "not guilty," liberals won't be getting their way, which could lead to massive temper-tantrums, such as arson and looting.

"We can't let this happen," said Cordray. "It's time to talk about closing the 'trial' loophole so that justice can be done according to the whims of the leftist mob, as our founding fathers intended."


Terry McAuliffe baffled that telling parents the State owns their children wasn't a winning strategy

Terry McAuliffe

Failed Virginia gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe
Terry McAuliffe said he's completely confused that telling parents the state owns their children, that parents have no say over what their kids learn in school, and that repulsively disgusting pornographic books are good for kids didn't prove to be electorally popular.

"It's so weird," a crestfallen McAuliffe told reporters. "We pulled out all the stops: we told parents that we own their children's minds, that they're wards of the state, and that their children should read horrific LGBTQ+ pornography in their school libraries, and it just didn't seem to connect with the people for some reason."

McAuliffe also performed a somber rendition of the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus classic song "We're Coming for Your Children" at his defeat party. "I know we've suffered a loss here, but rest assured," he said. "We are coming for your children sooner or later. This idea's time will come sooner or later. Hopefully sooner."

At publishing time, Democrats had vowed to learn no lessons from this defeat and lean harder into their demands to steal your children for you.


Pope says Covid vaccine will now be required to enter heaven

Pope & Vaccine
© Babylon Bee
VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis said today that God has informed him of a new requirement to enter Heaven: everyone must now receive the COVID-19 vaccine before entering the pearly gates.

"This is very important for the salvation of all people on Earth," Pope Francis explained. "We know that God lets everybody into Heaven because He loves us all and He doesn't really care what kind of mischief we get ourselves into in this life, but we must be wary of the greatest earthly sin of all: not getting the COVID-19 vaccine. God has informed me that He will not let you into Heaven unless you have received BOTH DOSES of this very safe vaccine."


Clocks to go back two years this weekend

Daylights Savings
© Waterford Whispers
AUTUMN is well and truly underway with the biannual changing of the clocks to take place this coming weekend, however, this year will be slightly different to previous years as the clocks go back a record 24 months to the year 2019, WWN can report.

"Due to Daylight Saving Time, we normally put our clocks back 60 minutes on the last Sunday in October, but due to the worldwide Covid pandemic we have decided instead to reclaim the last two years," explained Director of Clocks Going Back, David O'Clock, "hopefully this will give everyone back the time they've lost and there's absolutely no need to thank us. You're welcome".

The move will see October 31st, 2021, become October 31st 2019, sparking mixed emotions from across the world.


Liberal parent tries to figure out how to cheer for son Brandon

sports crowd cheer
Local liberal Joe Bailey has for years enjoyed cheering on his son Brandon at his Little League soccer games, but lately that has proven difficult, since his cheering typically involves shouting the insurrectionist chant "Let's Go Brandon" from the stands.

"I try to be so careful, but every so often in the excitement, I let slip a 'Let's go Brandon!'" said Bailey. "Then all the parents join in chanting, the game devolves into fits of laughter, and all the Trump supporters are trying to give me a high-five. It's horrible!"

According to sources, Mr. Bailey has thought about changing his son's name to something like "Bandleigh" or "Braidlynio" to make things a bit easier.

"Woooo!" said Bailey as his son made a great play, trying desperately to avoid using the dreaded phrase. "Let's go... bud! Well played! Positive reinforcement!"

Just then, Brandon scored a goal, causing his dad to jump to his feet and involuntarily scream "LET'S GO BRANDON!", causing the entire crowd to join in.

Joe Bailey is now on 12 FBI watch lists.