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Thu, 22 Oct 2020
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Health experts across the globe recommend new strategy for maximizing personal social distance: Attend a Joe Biden rally.

joe biden rally social distance
© The Babylon Bee
Officials say there's no better place to be miles away from most other humans.

"When you attend a Joe Biden rally, you're very unlikely to get infected, since, you know, there's no one else there," said one CDC official. "We've found that Trump rallies are super-spreader events since there's a ton of people. Biden rallies are great for stopping the virus. You just stand in the middle of a field while an old guy shouts from a podium hundreds of feet far away from you."

"Plus, you can rest and relax. Get away from the busyness of modern life: attend a Biden rally. BIDEN-HARRIS 2020!"

The health experts named several alternatives that are also acceptable for maximal social distancing, including attending a Biden boat parade, a Biden car parade, and a Nickelback concert.

Attention

Governor unveils innovative 37-step plan to reopen state over the next 10 years

open up states
With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.

The new plan is called 'Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace' and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:

Smiley

Brilliant! Governor Newsom orders all trees to mask up to prevent spread of wildfires

trees masks wildfires Newsome california
© The Babylon Bee
Fresh off his fireside chat to the state of California last week, Governor Gavin Newsom is announcing swift action to combat the spread of wild global-warming fires in his state. According to sources, Newsom will be signing an executive order requiring all trees to wear masks so that they don't catch fire.

"My proposal is proven and grounded in SCIENCE," said the governor in a statement. "Everyone knows masks work. They stop things from spreading. They stop COVID from spreading. Of course, they would also stop fires from spreading! SCIENCE tells us that masks solve almost every problem that has ever existed. This isn't that difficult. These are facts. It's just SCIENCE!"

Starting this week, Police, Firefighters, and Forest Management Personnel will be tasked with applying a giant mask to every single tree in the state. The governor is also considering requiring all sea turtles in California to also wear masks to prevent straws from getting stuck in their noses.

Hooray for SCIENCE!

No Entry

Twitter shuts down entire network to slow spread of negative Biden news

Twitter error
In a last-ditch effort to stop negative stories about Joe Biden and his family from spreading, Twitter shut down its entire social network Thursday.

After seeing account after account tweet out one particularly bad story, CEO Jack Dorsey realized he had to take action. Dorsey smashed a glass box in his office reading "Break In Case Of Bad Publicity For Democrats." Inside the case was a sledgehammer for smashing Twitter's servers.

"Red alert -- shut the servers down! Shut them all down!"

Dorsey ran downstairs and started smashing as many computers as he could, but he did need to ask for some help, as the hammer was pretty heavy. None of the programmers could lift the hammer, either. Eventually, they managed to program a robot to pick up the sledgehammer and smash the servers.

After hearing the Twitter employees talk about critical theory, the robot got woke and began attacking all the cis white males.

Lemon

Shocked reporter says NO one showed up at Biden and Harris event - Video

shocked
An Arizona FOX 10 reporter was stunned this past week when NO ONE came out to see Joe Biden AND Kamala Harris outside the Heard Museum in Phoenix.

No one was holding signs on the road.
No one was outside of their venue to greet them.


The election is less than 4 weeks away and they have NO momentum!

FOX 10 Reporter: There's really not much to see. It's kind of boring out here. It's not your typical presidential campaign event. We don't see people campaigning outside. We don't see signs or not much of what's going on.


People 2

Democrat proposing to his girlfriend says he won't reveal position on adultery until after the wedding

marriage proposal
According to anonymous sources, local liberal man Penn Millikers proposed to his girlfriend but has refused to reveal his position on adultery until after the wedding is over.

The staunch Democrat said he wants the woman to marry him but won't reveal his position on adultery until the marriage is finalized.

"Listen, I love you, babe, but you don't deserve to know what I think about adultery until you say 'I do,'" he told her during a romantic dinner just after he proposed.

Cross

Democrats hiss in terror as ACB pulls out crucifix

ACB Amy Coney Barrett crucifix
Amy Coney Barrett has eloquently defended herself through the Senate confirmation hearings this morning. But as Dems grew increasingly vicious, she was forced to turn to desperate measures.

After several hours of hearings, Barrett pulled out a large crucifix and held it aloft. A light shone from the heavens, and the Democrats knew they were defeated.

They shrunk back and began to hiss. "Noooo!" cried Senator Richard Blumenthal. "It burns us! Take it away!" He dove under his desk to hide from its light.

Smiley

Off-script again: Media criticizes Trump for downplaying virus threat by not dying

trump thumbs up covid
© C-SPAN/Screenshot
Still here!
President Donald Trump is once again under fire from the media for recklessly downplaying the danger of COVID by refusing to die. As the president begins to show signs of recovery, many worry that this sends the wrong message about the seriousness of the global pandemic.

"Every hour that he lives is another hour that the severity of this virus is undermined!" said reporter Sara Grace Major for CNN. "Why won't he just DIE and show the American people how deadly this virus truly is?"

"Mr. President, are you sure you don't need to lie down indefinitely or go on a ventilator?" asked another distraught journalist. "Maybe even say goodbye to your loved ones?!"

"Honestly, I feel terrific. Tremendous, really. I was never afraid of this virus before, but now I am even more not afraid. It's sad, really. I was told this virus would be one tough cookie," Trump said to the press. "In fact, I've never felt better."

"His defiance is going to get people killed. Dying like he's supposed to would be the most patriotic thing he could do," complained CNN correspondent Adam Pelot. "If he lives, how will the people be able to trust science?"

At publishing time, members of the press had begun pulling their own hair out as they watched the "incredibly strong and healthy" president go for a jog around the White House grounds.

NPC

Man who agrees with the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood thinks he's part of the resistance

resistance
The Babylon Bee had the honor of sitting down with a local brave #resistance fighter to learn more about the fearless counterculture fighting against hate and other bad stuff like that. According to Doy Keeblesmush, a leader of the local resistance movement in Seattle, the ideology consists of whatever the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood tell them they should think.

"Yeah, I'm pretty much a free thinker," said Keeblesmush when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Kinko's. "I would say my ideology is an eclectic mix of Vox, Marvel comics, Starbucks' Twitter feed, and whatever my Sociology 101 professor says. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from multi-billion dollar corporations and celebrities. The only exception is dead German philosophers like Marx. They're cool too."

Smiley

Showboating fly lands on Pence's head, steals spotlight during VP debate

pence fly debate
© AFP via Getty Images
Ambitious fly's two minutes of national fame
They were so worried about the coronavirus, they didn't consider pest control!

A regular black housefly became the unlikely star of Wednesday night's lone vice presidential debate in Utah when it made a home on Vice President Mike Pence's silver mane.

Pence didn't seem to notice the insect, which didn't appear to move, just sitting there on his head for 2 minutes and 9 seconds, as he debated his Democratic opponent, Sen. Kamala Harris, during the showdown in Salt Lake City.

The fly, which stood out starkly on Pence's bright white coif, immediately generated buzz on Twitter, with pundits telling USA Today moderator Susan Page that the American people needed to hear from Marty McFly.