"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"
When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"
The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.
"I don't know what's so hard about this," said Biden as his aides handed him a juice box and tightened his 5-point harness. "Just wear the dang seatbelt folks!"
Bob's Quality Seat Belt Company concurred with the CDC findings and confirmed that new "outdoor seatbelts" are now on sale for $59.99.
What a deal!
Reader Comments
Biden wore mask during zoom call in case COVID had mutated into a computer virus
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was seen wearing a mask in a climate summit with world leaders, despite his being vaccinated and despite the conference being virtual and held over Zoom....Related?
RC
Satire is losing the battle with reality
You're correct. I've given up on so many people I used to know. I cannot fathom how they can possibly believe what they believe.
Now, women are co-ordinating their masks with their outfits. You notice that development? Nancy Pelosi stands out because she's...well...always there.
[Link]
RC
You know exactly how much is invested in the propaganda when TPTB make him sexiest man of the year.
He's up there with Billy for person I'd like to watch most being slowly tortured. To death.
RC
I'd switch the knives to let's say a converted 6 shooter, modified to shoot vaccines in a game of Russian roulette. But I'd go the Law Abiding Citizen route and use sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride that comprise the lethal drug cocktail. [Link]
You KNOW that the last thing that the PTB would ever like is for that information to get out there. (Then again, Gates & Fauxi would coward out even without the truth serum.)
RC
*No intent to bring up bad memories. What made me think of that was the final Hannibal Lecter book, Hannibal.
rc
Its a thumbs down from me!
Thanks Rowan, it's no issue for me mate. I am big and ugly enough about it to not let it bother me, I'm not a victim. I was a victim just for that day, and when I woke up the next I was back to being Si. Just poorer
Isn't it sad that in todays environment we feel the need to apologise for offence where none was caused, just in case of repercussions. This is cancel culture in action my friend. Although I appreciate it, please don't feel obliged to explain yourself mate. I'm (like you) the exact opposite of a SJW and love the smell of offence in the morning [Link]
And Facebook would censor any opposition. -Not that they'd need to. The hysterical and bitter backlash you get when you so much as squint at the official narrative is so exhausting that it's not worth the trouble.
Loud, Stupid People have taken over the public square. They're just too offensive and exhausting to deal with. -And they keep setting stuff on fire and electing morons.
Can the rest of us please just cut bait and graduate from this hamster cage already?
Thus I learned just how outnumbered we have become.
RC
Jeopardy Winner Holds Up 3 Fingers & Insane Lefties Freak Out - [Link]
RC