alternative covid mask shopping bag
© dezeen.com / Max Siedentopf
Conspiracy theorists in 2020
Do you believe coronavirus is a plague-like killer virus that will end you and everyone you love unless you do everything the government says? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

What do you believe caused the coronavirus crisis?

A) Just one of those things. It seems to have jumped from a bat in a food market in Wuhan. Either way, it started in China and there's nothing anyone can do about it except follow to the letter everything the government says to do about it. Even though the government contradicts itself over what to do about it several times per day. Shut up, stay at home, visit PornHub.

B) Bill Gates and other oligarchs took advantage of Chinese fears about a previously unidentified version of the coronavirus to bypass national governments and implement an array of population control measures. Studies showing that a sequence of the virus is man-made were retracted because that suggests that an otherwise seasonal cold acquired 'gain-of-function' capacity from fiddling around with vaccine experiments - the very thing the people who caused the crisis are promoting as The Answer to it. Ultimately, the numbers are clear: the virus-as-mass-killer is a phantasm.

How do you keep up-to-date about the crisis?

A) Download hourly doses of fake news media from such bullhorns of propaganda as CNN, BBC, Guardian and New York Times, then arrogantly regurgitate 'the facts I know' to anyone who will listen.

B) Sift through multiple sources of information, paying attention to contradictory statements from official sources, and discuss said information with others to calibrate for gaps in your knowledge.

Do you support anti-lockdown demos?

A) No. That is stupid, given that 'The Science'TM said on CNN that this coronavirus is so deadly that there is no room in morgues for those 'presumed' to have died from it. So instead they're putting those dead bodies into nursing and care homes because 'we must save the elderly'.

B) Yes. I cannot believe how batsh*t crazy so many people have become over what was, until recently, known to cause the common cold. As has been repeatedly explained by over two dozen leading global experts on immunology and epidemiology, the lockdowns are the only thing that are causing unnecessary deaths in large numbers.

Who is in on the coronavirus conspiracy?

A) What conspiracy? Mass house arrest, suicide spikes, mass unemployment, mass mandatory vaccinations and food shortages are all for our own good.

B) Same actors who have exerted ever-greater control over the population for about the last century: a stateless oligarchy. Elected heads of govt appear to have been duped by being told the virus really would kill millions. Even though they likely no longer believe that to be the case, they're stuck between a rock and a hard place because hundreds of millions of hystericized authoritarians have believed 'Covid-19-as-Plague' is a reality.

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Mostly As: You are an incipient - and soon-to-be full-blown - Nazi. Absent catastrophic shock, there's no hope for you.

Mostly Bs: You see what's going on. Maintain critical thinking, and continue practicing social distancing from dangerous authoritarians and the media.