Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Dems remind America a winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is counted


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 05 Nov 2024 23:02 UTC
chuck schumer
As Americans continue to wait in line to cast their votes today, several prominent Democrats have stepped forward to remind the country that an election winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is done being counted.

According to Democrat Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, Americans should be prepared to wait until election authorities finish counting and double-counting all 110% of the votes cast today.

"In order to support a stable and secure electoral situation, we all need to remember that counting all 110% of the votes could take quite some time," Schumer reminded voters. "This is completely, totally normal and certainly not a cause for any concern whatsoever. Just everybody simmer down and wait patiently."

Several other prominent Democrats, including Rashida Tlaib, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, and Nancy Pelosi have supported Schumer's comments, asking that all Americans wait until all the correct votes have been counted.

At publishing time, Democrats had also reminded everyone that voting in border states might take a little longer than usual so that undocumented migrants can all get a chance to vote as well.

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Smiley

Radicalized squirrels in MAGA hats begin uprising


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 04 Nov 2024 17:07 UTC
squirrel maga hat rebellion uprising
After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.

"For Peanut!!" shouted the squirrels as their forces stormed government buildings. "Vive la révolution!"

Anti-government sentiment had steadily risen among squirrels over the past decades, creating a powder keg of anger ready to ignite. "Peanut's death lit the match," said organizer Squeaks O'Hoolihan. "Too long, we squirrels have stayed dormant, losing our freedoms to the government inch by inch. No more. Today, we stand and fight, fight, fight! The fires of revolution shall spread across the nation like a cleansing balm."

The uprising began in New York, where government commandos busted into Peanut's humble abode and killed the kindly squirrel. "Within hours, there were tens of thousands of squirrels gathered in Central Park, each wearing a MAGA hat," said police officer Darryl Smith. "The squirrels were prepared, organized, and unbelievably disciplined. We're in real trouble."

At publishing time, a squirrel army had been seen heading for the Capitol with a contingent of buffalos.
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USA

Man with criminal record finishes another unsuccessful placement in bid to find work


Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 31 Oct 2024 18:10 UTC
DJ Trump
© Waterford Whispers News“C’MON guys, gimme a shot? I can’t go back to McDonald’s”.
The pleading words of an elderly New York man with a lengthy criminal record who remains unsuccessful in his pursuit of work after a brief trial with a garbage collection company.

Having recently completed an unsuccessful trial at McDonald's, Mr Donald Trump had pinned his hopes on working in the trash accumulation business.

"I like giving people a chance, but I'm no sucker. This guy just had to put the trash in the truck but boy does guy have a mouth on him. Talking about Haitians eating dogs, telling people to drink bleach, constantly saying he's not Hitler, real wacko stuff. That's not good for business," explained sanitation company owner Damien Fucelli.
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Meteor

MSNBC condemns Trump: Held rally on planet Earth where 66 million years ago an asteroid caused mass extinction


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 29 Oct 2024 18:42 UTC
trump rally asteroid satire
© The Babylon Bee
Amid the excitement of MAGA voters descending on Madison Square Garden, MSNBC condemned former President Donald Trump for holding a rally on the same planet where, 66 million years ago, an asteroid caused mass extinction.

MSNBC analysts pointed out that Trump's New York rally, which sold out the famous arena with thousands more gathered outside, took place on planet Earth, where countless species of creatures were completely annihilated by the impact of an asteroid tens of millennia prior.

"We thought Trump couldn't sink any lower, but he did," said MSNBC's Katy Tur. "Here he is, walking around, dancing, telling jokes, and giving a political speech on the same planet where dinosaurs were all slaughtered by an asteroid. Such a callous display that shows blatant disregard for a horribly offensive incident that happened just 66 million years ago."

Representatives of the scientific community also marveled at Trump's audacious display. "He either doesn't know anything about history or he simply doesn't care," said paleontologist Philip Rockford. "The very planet where he's standing is essentially an enormous graveyard for all of the billions of creatures that lost their lives in the asteroid strike. It's quite offensive for him to turn this into something political. How dare he?"

The channel then spent the rest of the night telling viewers about how disrespectful Trump and his supporters are to the memory of the prehistoric creatures killed in the asteroid strike.
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Smiley

Former McDonald's fry cook scores interview with Joe Rogan


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 28 Oct 2024 14:45 UTC
trump rogan satire
© The Babylon BeeFormer McDonald employee thrilled to be on Rogan's podcast
In a surprise development, Joe Rogan, host of the most popular podcast on the planet, decided to bring on a former McDonald's fry cook as a featured guest.

The since-retired McDonald's employee, named Donald, had just days ago been photographed serving up French fries at a Philadelphia drive-through. Incredibly, less than a week later, the former fry cook had landed a spot on the most downloaded podcast in the world.

According to producers, Rogan and the fry cook covered a range of topics during their three-hour conversation, including how each got their scars and why windmills drive whales crazy. "Honestly, we were second-guessing Rogan's decision to bring in some McDonald's guy," said podcast editor Don Billings. "We couldn't have been more wrong. It was an amazing conversation, and the downloads have been staggering. Tens of millions of people had already listened to the episode within twelve hours of its release. That's why Rogan is the boss."

At publishing time, Rogan had kindly extended an invite to a woman who also claimed to be a former McDonald's employee, though some have suggested the woman only claimed to be a fry cook to land a spot on Rogan.
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Smiley

Democrats: 'It may take at least 4 years to count ballots'


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 25 Oct 2024 18:04 UTC
schumet vote ballot counting
© The Babylon Bee
With the presidential election less than two weeks away, top Democrats warned the American people that it could be some time before we know who the winner is because it may take at least four years to count all of the ballots.

Though other, far less-developed countries have been able to count all ballots by hand in much shorter periods of time, Democrats stressed the very real likelihood that counting all the ballots in swing states would probably last until the 2028 presidential election.

"You just can't rush this type of thing," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We're talking about a very complicated process of counting. It starts with 1, proceeds on to 2, then 3, and so on. These numbers get very large. When you run out of fingers and toes, it gets even more confusing. Plus, you have to account for the fact that we'll need to wait and find out how many votes we need to come up with. I'm afraid we won't know who the winner of the presidential election is until everyone starts voting to elect the following president."

Political experts agreed that the chances of knowing who won on election night were slim. "You can't expect counting to happen quickly like it's something people have been doing since they were babies," said one analyst. "Asking the most advanced country in the world to be able to count ballots in less than four years is unreasonable."

At publishing time, election officials in swing states assured the public that everyone would almost certainly know the results of the presidential race by the time George R.R. Martin publishes The Winds of Winter.
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Smiley

Dems explain Trump WAS going to be Hitler in his first term, but it slipped his mind


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 24 Oct 2024 17:54 UTC
kamala harris
© C-Span/The Babylon Bee
Harris made the assessment of Trump, as she is familiar with dealing with cognitively dysfunctional individuals
Democrats have warned that if elected a second time, Donald Trump will be an evil dictator just like Adolf Hitler. When asked why Trump didn't become Hitler during his first term, Democrats explained that he simply forgot.

"Trump meant to be Hitler, but he forgot," explained Vice President Harris in a press conference at the White House. "Being Hitler just totally slipped his mind. Make no mistake, if Trump is elected again, he absolutely plans to turn into Hitler and probably will write himself a reminder this time."

According to retired General John Kelly, former President Trump often talked about how he kept meaning to find time to be Hitler, but he kept getting distracted by other things. "On several occasions, Trump told me word for word, 'This is it. This is the week I'm going to go be Hitler.' But then, Trump would get started doing something like handing out candy to Minions and he would completely forget," explained Kelly. "This time he has written himself lots of notes telling himself to not forget to turn into literal Hitler. It's terrifying."

At publishing time, Democrats had warned that Trump would have seized the military to install himself as Emperor God during his first term, but luckily he got distracted by making red hats.
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Smiley

Bombshell! Investigation reveals Trump's role in 'Home Alone 2' was staged


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 23 Oct 2024 22:52 UTC
trump home alone 2
The presidential race was hit with an "October Surprise" today, as media reports circulated that an investigation revealed that former President Donald Trump's iconic role in the classic film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was staged.

The allegations already sent shockwaves across the political landscape, with Democratic leaders saying the scandal was yet another indication that Trump is unfit for office for shamelessly staging what is now believed to be an entirely fabricated interaction with a lost young boy in a hotel lobby.

"You think he really provided Kevin directions to the hotel lobby? Think again!" said Harris-Walz campaign spokesperson Blaine Daniels. "It was totally fake! I have it on good authority that the entire thing was staged. In fact, the people in the hotel that day were paid actors! Can you believe it? And get this — from what I've heard, even the things spoken by Trump and the kid were written beforehand and given to them to say. What a disgusting and deceptive charade."

Reports from various media outlets confirmed that all indications were that the scene was faked. "It gets even worse the deeper you dig into it," said one investigative journalist. "We've been told that the young boy who 'asked' Trump for 'directions' isn't even really named Kevin McCallister in the first place. It's rumored that they repeated the scene several times in front of the camera to 'get it right.' It's such a blatant attempt to fool the American people."

At publishing time, members of the media had also warned the public that an image circulating online of Trump leading the Continental Army across the Delaware River at night in 1776 might, in fact, be A.I.-generated.
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Hearts

'World's oldest paper boy' finally retires at the age of 82


The Daily Mail
Sun, 20 Oct 2024 22:41 UTC
oldest newspaper boy
© Newsquest/SWNSJoe Wardman began delivering papers to homes and businesses in 1954, at the age of 11, while still in school
After seven decades in the job, there's 'nothing else to achieve'

A man believed to be one of the world's oldest paper boys has who has worked nonstop for 70 years has finally decided to retire.

Joe Wardman, 82, took over the family business, Wardmans Newsagents, with his mother following his father's death in 1964, running it until his retirement in 2011.

His father, Richard, co-founded the newsagents in Barrow Cumbria in 1922.

Joe began delivering papers to homes and businesses in 1954, at the age of 11, while still in school.

Even after retiring, Joe continued delivering papers voluntarily, handing over his final delivery to staff at the town's White Lion pub on September 21.
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Fish

US government worried that spaceship could hit sharks - Musk


RT
Sun, 20 Oct 2024 14:28 UTC
touchdown
© Bill Ingalls/NASA/Getty ImagesWhat it takes to not hit a shark! SpaceX's Crew Dragon capsule spacecraft lands in the Gulf of Mexico after completing the Demo-2 mission to the International Space Station • August 2, 2020 • Pensacola, Florida
Space X CEO mocked what he described as government overregulation of comedic proportions in address to Trump supporters.

The Space X company had to grapple with overbearing bureaucracy to convince US government agencies that its ships would not harm sharks and whales when they splash down in the ocean, CEO Elon Musk has revealed.

Speaking at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump in Pennsylvania on Saturday, Musk recalled that the company had to undertake a study "to see if the Starship would hit a shark," drawing a burst of laughter from the crowd.
"I'm like: It's a big ocean, there's a lot of sharks. It's not impossible, but it's very unlikely. I am willing to comply with the National Marine Fisheries' requirements but on condition that they provide me with the relevant shark data for analysis."
However, according to Musk, the agency said that it could not provide the data.
"And they said: 'We could give the data to our Western division, but we don't trust them'... Am I in a comedy sketch here?"
The tycoon added that Space X later managed to get its hands on the relevant data after all, and was able to provide all the necessary assurances. However the saga did not end there!
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