Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

WHO warns Trump funding cuts may delay release of new pandemic

who tedros ghebreyesus
World Health Organization (WHO) leaders are sounding the alarm Thursday, warning that President Trump's temporary freeze on federal funding for the organization may delay the release of a new pandemic.

"And that would be terrible," the organization said in a statement. "We've got a cool name for it and everything. Delaying the pandemic now would cost hundreds, maybe thousands of good-paying Chinese jobs."

According to WHO officials, the next pandemic is expected to be a "real doozy" and lead to creative new policies like standing exactly 28.5 feet away from other people, wearing masks over your ears, and burning down churches. But now, at the rate American policies are changing, the pandemic may never even happen.

"No one wants to see their life's work go down the drain," said WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. "It's almost like Trump doesn't even care who he hurts as long as he gets to save a buck."

President Trump's approval rating has risen by another 10 points in light of news of the pandemic's likely delay and possible cancelation, surprising members of the mainstream media.

"The COVID pandemic was the best time of my life," said CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins. "We got to scold people and get paid for it! Trump ruins everything!"

At publishing time, President Trump had responded to the WHO's warning by making all funding cuts permanent.

Dollars

Zelenskyy asks U.S. for $20 billion to find out where that missing $100 billion went

Coke Addict
© Dmytro Larin, Shutterstock.com
KYIV — To date, the United States has allocated approximately $177 billion worth of aid to Ukraine, but the war-torn nation reports they have received less than half. Now Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is asking for another $20 billion so he can find out what happened to the $101 billion dollars that was somehow lost.

"In order to locate the missing funds, we will need more funds," said Zelenskyy. "That's just basic economics. And if you don't give it to us then you hate Ukraine and democracy."

Given that the money would have arrived in the form of humanitarian aid or weapons, some officials have questioned exactly how Zelenskyy can be so sure he was shorted the funds, to which he replied, "I don't know, that's what I need the $20 billion for."

Smiley

Nominee for top criminal justice position interviewed by nation's top criminals

kash patel congressional hearing satire
© The Babylon BeeKash Patel eyes future targets for arrest.
In an electrifying several hours on Capitol Hill, a nominee for the nation's top criminal justice position was interviewed by the nation's top criminals.

Kash Patel, Trump's pick to lead the FBI, fielded questions from America's lowest and most despicable lawbreakers ahead of his confirmation vote in the Senate.

"I have serious concerns about your character, Mr. Patel," said Senator Whitehouse, a notorious DC criminal. "Based on things you've said in the past, it seems you want to turn the FBI into a law enforcement agency to be weaponized against criminals. I find this unsettling and deeply disqualifying."

Sources say Patel simply responded with a silent, unblinking stare.

Senator Amy Klobuchar, another dangerous lawbreaker who has thus far evaded capture by police, expressed similar concerns. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Klobuchar in a forceful monologue during the hearing. "EEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEKKKK!"

The rest of Klobuchar's statement was not recorded as technicians mercifully turned her microphone off.

At publishing time, Patel's fate was still up in the air as the gang of criminals deliberated on whether to confirm him.

USA

Senators pause RFK hearing to announce this next round of questions is brought to you by Pfizer

RFK Hearing
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After thirty minutes of intensely questioning HHS Secretary nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr., senators took a brief break to announce that the next line of questioning was sponsored by Pfizer.

According to sources, Pfizer booked the most primetime questioning slot, while Moderna's lower Senate sponsorship level bought the opening statement.

"The next round of questions, which will be centered on shielding vaccine manufacturers from lawsuits, is brought to you by Pfizer," announced Senator Elizabeth Warren. "We are deeply thankful to Pfizer and all of our corporate sponsors who make this show happen. Now, Mr. Kennedy, isn't it true that you would like to see vaccine manufacturers held liable if they create unsafe vaccines, which will cause everyone in the world to die of polio?"

Smiley

Exhausted media to Trump: "Please, please, take a day off!"

trump first day executive orders satire
© Evan Vucci/AP"Buckle up, boys and girls!"
Only one week into the new administration and struggling to keep up with the constant flow of things being accomplished, the exhausted news media collectively begged President Donald Trump to take a day off.

Journalists and broadcasters who are not used to working quite this hard urgently asked Trump's staff if they could please ask him to just pause for one single, solitary day.

"Please... please... just let up for a second," said a visibly disheveled Jake Tapper. "The executive orders, the trips to disaster-ravaged areas of the country, the manhandling of foreign leaders and making them do things that help the United States... it's impossible to keep up this pace. We're not used to working this much. Why is a president doing so much anyway?"

Other members of the media were just as adamant that Trump needed to take a day off. "What, he's just going to keep, like... doing stuff? Like every day?" asked CBS News anchor Margaret Brennan. "I'm starting to wonder if Trump knows anything about being president. He clearly doesn't if he thinks it's okay to be accomplishing important tasks every day. He should be taking our well-being into account. We're not used to this. All the... working."

At publishing time, several members of the White House press pool had reportedly been rushed to the hospital to be treated for exhaustion after passing out from being overworked.

Smiley

Trump deemed unfit for political office after doing what he promised

trump signs executive order
Mainstream media outlets deemed President Donald Trump unfit for office this week after he was witnessed doing all the things he had promised to do.

Journalists and left-wing social media users criticized Trump for a range of actions he promised to fulfill during the election like shoring up the southern border, eliminating wokeness in the Federal Government, getting rid of DEI hiring practices, and myriad other items after the president checked them off his to-do list during his first week in office.

"What kind of politician does the things he said he would do?" reporter Shandra McKinley wrote on X. "No one could have predicted this. He's completely unfit to run the country. He's been caught now doing the things he said he would do and people aren't going to stand for this. It's disqualifying."

Trump's approval ratings for his first week in office hovered in the high 40s, a record for any incoming president — a clear sign, reporters said, that he's definitely on the wrong track and people don't like what he's doing.

"Sure, his approval ratings are high and most of the issues he's tackling are 80/20 issues with the general public," CNN's Jim Acosta said, "but he's doing what he promised to do and that's a dangerous precedent for a politician to set."

At publishing time, Trump faced even more criticism for fulfilling yet another campaign promise by signing a bill outlawing the use of the term "rizz" by anyone over the age of fourteen.

Smiley

Kamala Harris begins new career as obscure trivia answer: "So exciting!'

kamala harris
Kamala Harris
Though insiders said leaving office was a difficult experience for Kamala Harris, the former vice president was said to be excited to begin her new career as an obscure trivia answer.

Harris departed Washington, D.C. on Monday following the inauguration of President Donald Trump and made her way back home to California, where she was expected to begin preparing for life as a historical footnote mentioned in passing on TV quiz shows.

"It's a new day, and new days are for new things, and new things are meant to be done on a new day," Harris told the media after landing in California. "I was honored to serve as the vice president, which is almost the president, but just below the president, and that's what I was. With my work completed, I will now embark on a new journey as the answer to trivia questions about obscure vice presidents. Because trivia answers provide knowledge. Knowledge is what we all want. And when we get what we want, we will know knowledge, which before that time had been unknowable."

When asked if she was eager to potentially hear her name spoken on a trivia show, Harris couldn't contain her excitement. "Oh, you didn't know? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she said. "Your girl Kamala's about to be hitting the big time. A strong, confident woman who brought joy to America. 'Who is Kamala Harris?' Right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

At publishing time, sources close to the production of the TV game show Jeopardy reported they were having difficulty coming up with any notable facts about Harris that would warrant her being used as an answer.

Igloo

New Arctic Climate Discovered

"Great start for the newly discovered Gulf of America. Explorers note the climate is polar with heavy snow and ice observed along the coastlines."
Freezing Southern US
© Ryan Maue on XRyan Maue on X

Smiley

Democracy falls as man who received the most votes becomes president

trump inauguration
A day long feared by people across America and around the world finally became a reality today, with Democracy falling into rubble after a man who received the most votes took the oath of office to become president.

Weeping could be heard echoing throughout the streets of every American city this morning as citizens of the United States were confronted with the terrifying truth that democracy had been destroyed by having the man who everyone voted for take office.

"This is indeed a dark day," said historian and professor Clifford Martin. "The American experiment has survived for nearly 250 years, continuing the tradition started by the ancient Greeks who created the concept of democracy... but today we have seen its end. The man who won more votes than anyone else has been sworn in as president, and that's just not how democracy works."

Experts predicted that the country may never be the same, as having the man people wanted to be president actually win the election was an unexpected assault on American democracy. "We're not used to this," constitutional scholar Owen Gaffney said. "The United States can't survive when it's simply left to the people voting to choose their leaders. Democracy has now died. Thanks a lot, voters."

Reports quickly emerged that lawmakers were hard at work putting measures into place to revive democracy by keeping overwhelmingly popular candidates from winning elections ever again.

At publishing time, memorial services for democracy were being planned as Democrats urged all Americans to flee the country in search of refuge in more oppressive, totalitarian countries.

Light Saber

National Archives seeks volunteers who have the 'superpower' of reading cursive (for realz!)

cursive writing elderly reads
© shironosov/GettyElderly person reads an intricately handwritten letter
Only 24 states still teach the skill

"It's easy to do for a half hour a day or a week," Suzanne Isaacs, community manager with the National Archives Catalog, said

Reading cursive can now be added to the list of most-wanted skills — at least according to the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration.

The federal organization tasked with archiving the country's most precious records and documents is currently looking for volunteers who can read the cursive writing of over 200 years' worth of documents, USA Today reported.

The majority of the handwritten documents that need transcribing are from the Revolutionary War when writing in cursive was the standard form of penmanship, the outlet said.

Comment: Although the idea is amusing, more is being lost than just the skill: