Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

Question

'Sparks fly from Jesus artwork'

WORSHIPPERS are flocking to a statue of Jesus Christ in a Merseyside gallery claiming it possesses miraculous powers.

Visitors have descended on the Liverpool Academy of Art to kneel before the steel and bronze artwork after reports that "sparks" were shooting from its eyes.

Star

Ricky Martin Gives Bush the Finger, Fans Cheer

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Ricky Martin, who was a headliner at the 2001 inauguration ball for President George W. Bush, has a message for the American commander in chief about war.

At a recent concert, the 35-year-old singer stuck up his middle finger when he sang the president's name in his song "Asignatura Pendiente," which includes the words, "a photo with Bush." The gesture last Friday prompted cheers from thousands of fans in the San Juan stadium.

Vader

New from the U.S. Mint: The Class Warfare Series

Barbara Bush One Dollar Coin

Mail

Postcard delivered 90 years too late

When Private Walter Butler posted a card to his sweetheart from the trenches in the First World War, neither thought too much about it when it failed to arrive.

Pte Butler, who was fighting on the Western Front with the Dorset Regiment, went on to marry his girlfriend, Amy Hicks, and the pair lived long and happy lives in Chippenham, Wilts.

Wine

Man grabs shark with hands; Blames vodka

Australia - A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Friday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka.

Phillip Kerkhof was fishing off a jetty at Louth Bay, a town on South Australia state's Eyre Peninsula 870 miles west of Sydney, when he spotted the bronze whaler shark swimming in the shallows, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Kerkhof said.

"He was just thrashing around in the water ... starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does'," Kerkhof said.

Wine

Irish are shunning Guinness

It is as Irish as shamrock and the Blarney Stone, but a pint of Guinness is falling out of favour in its home country.

The iconic drink, which has been brewed in Dublin for the last 250 years, is suffering a severe downturn in sales, the company admitted yesterday.

Diageo, the UK drinks giant that owns Guinness, said volumes of the stout fell by 10 per cent in Ireland in the last six months as increasing numbers of drinkers die off.

Sheeple

Batman Sighting Puts Schools on Lockdown

To an Arizona middle school, Batman! Three schools in the north Phoenix suburb of Cave Creek were on lockdown for about 45 minutes Wednesday morning after a student at Desert Arroyo Middle School reported seeing a person dressed as Batman run across campus, jump a fence and disappear into the desert, Scottsdale police Sgt. Mark Clark said.

Bizarro Earth

Fla. teen hiccuping for over 3 weeks

Jennifer Mee can't stop hiccuping. For more than three weeks now, the 15-year-old St. Petersburg teen has hiccuped close to 50 times a minute - despite the best efforts of doctors and home remedies.

She's had blood tests, a CT scan and an MRI. Drugs haven't worked. Neither has holding her breath, putting sugar under her tongue, sipping pickle juice, breathing into a paper bag and drinking out of the wrong side of a glass.

And, yes, people have tried to scare them out of her.

The hiccups do stop when she's sleeping.

Eagle

Skittering squirrel forces plane to land

An American Airlines flight made an unscheduled landing in Honolulu after pilots heard something skittering about in the wire-laden space over the cockpit. The airline blamed the emergency landing of the Tokyo-Dallas flight with 202 passengers on a stowaway squirrel.

"You do not want a varmint up in the wiring areas and what-have-you on an airplane. You don't want anything up there," said John Hotard, spokesman for the Ft. Worth, Texas-based airline. He said pilots feared the animal would chewed through wiring or cause other problems.

"So, as a precaution, we diverted," Hotard said.

Once on the ground late Friday, the Boeing 777's human passengers were put up in hotel rooms and later rebooked on other flights.

Bomb

Happy Valentine's Day From the Bush Administration

Have a heart!