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Racist Twitter board declares they would rather go bankrupt than be owned by an African American


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 16 Apr 2022 18:25 UTC
Elon musk twittler logo
Twitter's board of directors has elected to block an attempt from an African American immigrant to purchase the company. According to sources, they decided they would rather destroy their own company than see it in the hands of an African American.

"Over my dead body!" said angry board member Foghorn Callaway, twirling his mustache and shaking his cane in the air. "I'll be hornswoggled if I ever allow an uppity foreigner own this glooooorious company!"

The other board members hooted and hollered and banged their hands on the elegant mahogany board room table in agreement.

According to sources, the young African businessman who offered to buy the company has ambitions to ensure Twitter is prioritizing free speech and "maximally trusted." His detractors accuse him of being a "yucky Nazi" and a "poopoo head" who might use his strange foreign ways to upset the systems of power that control elections and cultural movements around the world.

"Ain't no foreigner gonna get his hand's on TWITTER!" said Callaway. "He needs to go back where he came from and build his own platform!" He then spat into a golden spittoon and limped out of the board room.

According to sources, if the Twitter deal falls through, the African American businessman plans to make a cash offer of $12 for TRUTH Social.

Comment: The Musk rolls on:



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Smiley

Pigeon poops on Biden after mistaking him for a statue


Babylon Bee
Wed, 13 Apr 2022 18:25 UTC
No Respect for Demented
© Babylon Bee
MENLO, IA — A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

"I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect," said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. "I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!"

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TV

You know things are bad when Saudi state TV mocks Joe Biden


Zerohedge
Tue, 12 Apr 2022 08:55 UTC
Saudi TV
© Screenshot of Saudi state TV clip
You know things are bad when Saudi television mocks the president of the United States in a SNL-style spoof. A state-run TV station featured a comedy sketch depicting Joe Biden attempting to address the Ukraine crisis, but he's seen wandering away from the podium and falling asleep mid-sentence, while also being constantly prodded by his VP over what to say given he struggles to remember basic names and information.

The sketch went viral after it hit social media on Monday, and comes after last month Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly rejected attempts by the White House to set up a phone call between he and Joe Biden, at a moment the US is urging the Saudis to ramp up oil output. Watch the brief segment below:

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Smiley

Twitter transforms into pleasant workplace, after all the angry Leftists quit in protest


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 08 Apr 2022 20:56 UTC
leftists quit twitter protests satire
© The Babylon Bee
Social media platform Twitter experienced an uptick in turnover in the last week ever since Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk joined the board of directors. According to sources, enraged leftists are quitting in protest, subsequently creating a pleasant work environment around the office.

"Twitter is the best place to work right now," said Kurt Herald, a conservative coder who previously hid in the office basement. "I'm able to express opinions and talk about movies without being called racist and heteronormative. It's surreal."

Herald has since taken over the corner office vacated by his multi-colored hair compatriot who he wasn't sure was a man or woman.

The FCC has expressed concern over Twitter's staff exodus with some suggesting Russia may be involved.

"Twitter may soon become a frightening place where users can say things that offend my sensibilities. That's not a world I want to live in," said FCC official Mx. Krill Talon.

Meanwhile, Twitter has invited the remaining employees to participate in a friendly company picnic where there will be a kickball tournament and free hot dogs.
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Smiley

Father of 5-year-old pterodactyl: It's not easy to get species-affirming care in America


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 11 Apr 2022 18:05 UTC
child pterodactyl costume doctor affirming care
© The Babylon Bee
Local man and father of a 5-year-old trans pterodactyl Bradley Mingastank is struggling to find the medical care his young dinosaur son needs, as it is very difficult to find species-affirming care in the United States.

"Seriously, it's 2022, and we still haven't figured out how to provide adequate medical care to children who think they're extinct flying lizards," said Mingastank. "I do my best to raise my son Madison as a pterodactyl per his wishes, which is important for his self-esteem. I only communicate to him in ear-piercing dinosaur screeches, I feed him small rodents and fish, and every once in a while I push him off the roof of the garage so he can try flying. But no other doctors seem to be willing to help him get the ultraviolet heat lamps and lizard medicine his pterodactyl body desperately needs."

According to sources within the family, Madison first discovered his true pterodactyl identity when he put on a Halloween costume and then refused to take it off. It was then his parents knew he was a dinosaur trapped in a human child's body.

"According to science, If someone thinks they are something, then they are automatically that thing, and the whole world must pretend they are that thing or they'll die. That's just proven science," said Mingastank as he called a veterinarian to set up an appointment for his son.

UPDATE: Madison has changed his mind and has decided he is now a sea lion. His parents are currently looking for a giant aquarium to keep him in.
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Smiley

JP Sears hosts Klaus ('you'll own nothing') Schwab in exclusive tell-all interview!


Awaken with JP
Sat, 09 Apr 2022 19:07 UTC
klaus schwab jp sears
Join JP for an exclusive sit down interview with Klaus Schwab himself! The leader of the World Economic Forum opens up and speaks very candidly about his plans for you and the future of our planet! Featuring The Great Reset, Fourth Industrial Revolution, and More!

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Smiley

Man in Star Wars shirt eating $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel wonders 'Where does Disney get so much money to push its leftist agenda?'


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 07 Apr 2022 23:26 UTC
Disney money leftist
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, local conservative/libertarian-ish man Kyle McManus on Monday pondered how Disney has so much money, power, and cultural influence to push its leftist agenda. The man wondered these things as he stood on a bridge inside Disney's California Adventure eating a $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel.

"I just don't get how Disney keeps funding all these LGBTQ agenda-driven movies and shows," said the man wearing a Star Wars T-shirt purchased for $36 at the World of Disney store. "We need to start fighting back to retake the culture, but it's just so tough when Disney has so much funding."

"I wonder where they get it all," he mused as he looked out over the fountain display in front of the Pixar Pal-A-Round Ferris wheel while dipping his $12 Mickey Mouse-shaped pretzel into his $3 cup of cheese sauce. "It's like they have unlimited money. Who on earth would fund this operation that keeps grooming our kids and pushing their radical agenda on us?"

"It must be George Soros," he concluded as he wiped the cheese sauce from his face, adjusted his Groot Mini Magnetic Shoulder Plush ($18), and wandered off toward Disneyland in search of the new, limited-edition MSE-6 series repair droid popcorn bucket at one of the stands in Galaxy's Edge, pausing first to adjust his $29.99 artificial leather Mickey Mouse ears.
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Smiley

Twitter Workers Worried Elon Musk Will Turn Their Free Speech Platform Into Platform That Allows Free Speech


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 05 Apr 2022 12:47 UTC
Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk becoming Twitter's largest stakeholder and a new member of the board of directors, many within the company are worried he may turn their free speech platform into a platform that actually allows free speech.

"This could destroy us," said Yinny Xendapoo, Twitter's director of content moderation. "When we say we're a free speech platform, we never intended to actually allow free speech! If we allowed free speech, people might say things we don't like and that's NOT ok."
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People 2

Rachel Levine is 100% woman and we are sorry for calling her a man


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 06 Apr 2022 04:53 UTC
rachel levine
We, The Babylon Bee, have decided to issue an apology. After being caught in a culture-war whirlwind of hatred and bigotry, we published an article naming Rachel Levine our "Man of the Year." Sometimes, even satirists make mistakes.

Our misgendering headline was hateful, insensitive, and cruel. Rachel Levine is 100% a real, actual woman. We were absolutely wrong to say otherwise. We understand now that our attempt at comedy was really "punching down" at a wealthy and powerful government trans woman official, and we have no excuse. We went too far.

We apologize to the trans community. We apologize to the women community, of whom Rachel Levine is clearly a part — and has been since her birth. We hope to take this opportunity to learn, grow, and be better as satirists — and as human beings.

So we invite our readers to say it with us, loudly and proudly, and with all the strength and goodness of 1000 kindergarten teachers in Florida trying to teach 5-year-olds about sex:

Rachel Levine is a powerful, beautiful woman.

Whatever that is.
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Arrow Down

Rat colony beneath D.C. disgusted to find city infested with politicians


Babylon Bee
Fri, 01 Apr 2022 18:20 UTC
Rat in DC
© Babylon Bee
RAT LAND — A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.

"Ewww! No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth," said Whisker Nosewrangle in ancient Sumerian, the language all rats speak. "Disgusting!"

"Rats, it is hereby forbidden to breach the surface," said a representative of the rat council. "The way is shut! We cannot allow the infestation to corrupt our minarchist utopia."

Surface rats who previously had no knowledge of the subterranean rat colony promptly abandoned their homes in favor of a more just and dignified society.
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