Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Biden arrives at border to address his voters

biden border voters satire
© The Babylon Bee
Amid record-breaking illegal immigration at the southern border, President Biden arrived in Brownsville Texas to address his voters, who had crossed into the United States the previous night.

"Welcome, voters, make yourselves at home!" said Biden to a group of military-aged male Chinese nationals and a crowd of convicted felons from a maximum security Venezuelan prison. "My nurse Jill always says you people are unique breakfast tacos and I couldn't have said it better. We're excited for you to live here. You have plenty of great states to choose from, like Ohio, Pennsylvania, or any other crucial battleground states. I was... I... I..."

"... well, anyway."

The confused migrant crowd was then directed to a welcome station to receive their smartphones, visa gift cards, and mail-in ballots.

Trump, who also visited the border today, was quick to condemn Biden's speech and his handling of the border. "Biden is possibly the worst president of any country in the history of the world, or maybe even the entire universe, and maybe all the other universes as well, possibly," said Trump to reporters. "He is going to destroy this country unless he's stopped by people buying my new Trump sneakers. Look at these beautiful gold sneakers. They're the greatest sneakers ever made. So, so beautiful."

Following the Biden border visit, the White House confirmed that there is no crisis at the border. "Everything is fine and there are no illegal immigrants," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. "There is no crisis and Biden is doing a great job and he's very smart and sharp and mentally with it and you are a racist."

At publishing time, illegal immigrant support for Biden increased another 33 points.

Smiley

Hunter Biden jealous after Don Jr. receives envelope of white powder

hunter biden jealous white powder satire
© The Babylon Bee
Word quickly spread throughout political circles today that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, was consumed with jealousy after hearing Donald Trump, Jr. had received a mysterious envelope filled with white powder.

The powder-filled letter arrived from an unknown source, leaving Hunter Biden disappointed and wishing someone would take the time to do the same for him.

"Aw, come on, man! Where's my powder?" he was overheard complaining. "Trump's kids always get everything. His dad isn't even the president anymore! My dad is the guy who runs the country now, so I should be the one getting envelopes full of powder. Totally not fair. I'm gonna call Dad to find out if there's any still stashed away at the White House that they haven't found yet."

Despite not knowing what the powder was or where it came from, Hunter was eager to find out what he needed to do in order to start receiving similar letters. "It's all he could talk about last night," said one of Hunter's close friends. "He kept rambling on and on about how his supply was running low and he needed a fix. He even started asking everyone he knows if they had Don Jr.'s phone number so he could find out how he could start receiving powder in the mail. He doesn't care what it is. Coke, sawdust, you name it."

At publishing time, Hunter had finally gotten in touch with Donald Trump, Jr. and heroically offered to start opening all of his mail for him to ensure his safety.

Smiley

New York prosecutes couple for fraud for listing their house at$499,000 after it sells for $485,000

house sale fraud satire
© The Babylon Bee
Local couple Marty and Shelly Cross have been officially charged with fraud after listing their home for $499,000 when it ultimately sold for slightly less.

"The Cross family knowingly and willfully tried to get a good deal when they sold their home," explained Attorney General Letitia James. "The State of New York hereby assesses the Cross family a fine of $50 million for their egregious actions. If they cannot pay by tomorrow, we will begin kidnapping their children to hold as ransom."

According to sources, the bank had performed an appraisal and actually approved a loan for the buyer at $499,000, though ultimately after negotiations the selling price was slightly less. "Yes, the bank agreed to the price set by the Cross family," admitted James. "That doesn't mean Mr. and Mrs. Cross did not commit fraud! Banks, as we all know, are poor and helpless and at the mercy of whatever amount of money people ask for. The feeble, powerless bank is the victim here, having been duped by the Cross family - and they will pay!"

The Cross family were reportedly caught completely off guard by the charges, believing they had submitted a reasonable asking price. "All we did was ask for what we wanted! No one had to agree to it. I had no idea asking for the price you wanted for your home was illegal," said Shelly. "I have to be frank, I just don't quite see how our negotiating the price with the seller and the bank did fifty million dollars of damage to the State of New York. I'm really struggling to make the connection."

At publishing time, Letitia James had put up billboards across New York with the faces of the Cross family and how much they owed in fines.

Smiley

Trump indicted for removing mattress tag in 1997

trump mattress tag
District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.

"We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"

The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:
Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer

Smiley

'Trump is the greatest threat to America,' says man overseeing invasion of America

Biden confused
© The Babylon Bee
The man overseeing the invasion and accelerating destruction of America announced today that the biggest threat facing America is, in fact, Donald Trump.

"As war erupts across the globe and 7.2 million illegal immigrants stream into this country, mark my words - the biggest threat we face is Donald Trump," said Biden. "No amount of terrorists crossing the border can compare to the imminent danger posed by this man selling golden sneakers to pay his legal fees."

According to sources in the White House, the speech came after an extensive threat assessment conducted by the FBI and the DOJ. "We reviewed every threat posed to America, from millions of military-age males coming across our border, to the human trafficking performed by South American crime networks," explained FBI Director Christopher Wray. "After exhaustive research, we have determined that the greatest threat to our nation's well-being is Donald Trump. Trump is like democracy's kryptonite, which, if you know comics, is even more dangerous than a Russian nuclear bomb launched from outer space. It's not even close."

As Biden continued to oversee the dismantling of defense systems to protect America's sovereign borders, he assured the nation that he would do everything in his power to stop Trump. "Even if I have to give millions of these illegal immigrants the right to vote, I'll jump on that grenade to save our country," said Biden. "There is simply nothing I won't do."

At publishing time, another 48,000 illegal immigrants had crossed into the country during Biden's speech.

Smiley

Bored God prays to local man for a change

God and Man
© Waterford Whispers News
CITING the fact that being in a permanent state of existence, dating back long before he invented humanity, is quite boring God has confirmed that boredom got the better of him the other day when he reached out to local man Conor McCarthy and prayed directly to him.

"You get bored, what can I say?" explained God. "Doing weird little things like this can break up the day y'know? It took longer than I liked to convince Conor the voice in his head wasn't schizophrenia but I understand his screaming".

God also explained a motivation for reaching out to a person, plucked at random from the 8 billion plus souls roaming the earth, was also a case of testing out the 'see how they like it' hypothesis.

"Humans seems to think they can ask for anything, any time of day, an endless number of times and it's just water off a duck's back. I invented that duck! I invented the back! But still with humans, they ask ask ask, take take take. I just wanted to see how one of them coped with it," a frustrated God explained.

Smiley

Customers unaware of AT&T network outage since they're used to not having cell signal

cell phone users AT&T
No bars for AT&T—just a normal day
AT&T customers were surprised to learn there was a network outage affecting most of the company's subscribers this Thursday. Customers noted that they are so accustomed to not having a functioning cell signal that they didn't notice anything was amiss.

"I woke up to zero bars on my AT&T cell phone," said local resident and AT&T subscriber Bruno Knoll. "I didn't have any emails, texts, voicemails, or notifications from Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. So yeah, it seemed like a pretty normal day."

Knoll said he didn't notice something was amiss until he completed his commute to work. "There's one spot on my commute where I can usually get an AT&T signal if I swerve onto the shoulder and turn the radio off," he noted. "Normally, all my notifications come in at once when I hit that spot... as long as it's not raining. It was sunny this morning, but I still got nothing."

A spokesperson for AT&T confirmed that the company is working as fast as it can to restore its mediocre cellular network. However, he noted that efforts may take some time since all of their employees are forced to use AT&T phones, and thus there was no way for teams to communicate in the field.

At publishing time, the official AT&T Twitter account confirmed it had restored approximately 75% of its cellular network, which covers approximately 8% of its subscriber base.

Smiley

Biden says he can't remember a single time when his memory has failed him

joe biden confused
President Biden lashed out at critics who questioned his cognitive ability Thursday, telling reporters at the White House that he can't remember a single time when his memory failed him.

"Don't you think I would know if I were having memory problems?" the president asked. "I'm as sharp as a tack, Jack. I've got no cognitive issues whatsoever. My memory is as perfect as it was back in 2024 when I was president."

"Also, don't you think I'd know if I were having memory problems? People with memory problems mix up names, dates, and places," he noted. "They wander around aimlessly all day with clueless looks on their faces. I even heard of one extreme case where a guy confused Egypt with Mexico. Now, THAT'S a person you should be talking to about memory problems!"

The president then raised his hand to ask a question, seemingly unaware that he was leading the press conference. Shortly thereafter, a reporter asked Biden to comment on his portrayal as a "sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory" in last week's special counsel report.

"Look, I don't know that guy, so I'm not going to speculate on what was said in the report," Biden noted. "What I will say is this: Our country is at a critical crosswalk. If you have trouble figuring out whether you're for me or Donald Rumsfeld, well, then you ain't black. So please, when you drive into that voting booth in November of 2020, vote for Joe Biden."

Smiley

White House staffers lock nukes with new security question: 'Which of these images shows Mexico'

biden egypt mexico captcha nuclear codes
© The Babylon Bee
White House staffers have — à propos of no particular newsworthy event — decided to upgrade the security system surrounding America's nuclear arsenal. Specifically, they have locked the nuclear codes behind a series of security questions, chief among them being, "Which of these images shows Mexico?"

Staffers say any President, no matter how unsenile, must answer the security question if they want access to the arsenal, and that this measure has nothing to do with President Biden's impeccable performance at the press conference last night.

"President Biden is super smart and alive, so he'll have no problem knowing where Mexico is, or Egypt haha," said White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain. "Nor will the President have any issues when asked to list how many children he has, or what his name is. You know, typical security questions to keep out the bots."

At publishing time, Russia had nuked America because Biden had failed the nuclear arsenal's final security question asking, "Are you a vegetable? Pick YES or NO."

Mr. Potato

Biden calls for the president to step down

Biden confused
After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down. "President Hoover needs to do the right thing. He's in over his head. Can't even do his job right," said Biden to the nurse administering him his daily medications. "Eisenhower is an honorable man, and he needs to do the honorable thing. I was speaking with Emperor Hirohito about it just last Saturwednesday. Blamflibbernuzzit!" At publishing time, Republicans had drafted a resolution in support of the President's call for the President to step down.