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Wed, 20 Oct 2021
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Biden promises to stop being a bad president if everyone gets vaccinated

joe biden creepy smile
As Americans struggle against runaway inflation, labor shortages, and supply chain congestion, President Biden has vowed to stop being a bad president if everyone will just get vaccinated.

"Listen folks, here's the deal," he said to the female Secret Service agent being forced to watch him skinny dip in the pool. "Haven't you all suffered enough? I promise to start doing a good job running the country if everyone will just get the jab, Jack!" And then, for emphasis, he repeated "just get the jab, Jack", except in a low whisper this time.

Press Secretary Psaki confirmed that Biden is doing an absolutely terrible job at being president to teach the American people a lesson on the importance of obeying vaccine mandates. "We assure you that once everyone in America is vaccinated, Biden will stop being awful," she said.

Biden also confirmed that if everyone wears a mask and gets the booster, he may even start working full workdays and take fewer naps.

To promote vaccination, Biden plans to travel the country and whisper the words "get vaccinated" into everyone's ears. If that doesn't work, he plans to pound on a lectern and say "get vaccinated" in a loud, angry voice. He promises that after that he will stop destroying the country.


IRS agents bust 7yo for getting more than $600 worth of birthday presents

birthday IRS 600 presents satire
© The Babylon Bee
An elite platoon of airborne IRS agents parachuted into the Smithson's backyard during little Sally's 7th birthday party to enforce new requirements to track any financial transactions greater than $600.

Agents immediately secured the party area by puncturing the bounce castle and flex-cuffing BoBo the Juggling Gorilla. They then proceeded to thoroughly catalog all the excess income collected by the new seven-year-old.

Chief Airborne Auditor Alvin "Deduction Strangler" Clarke reviewed the agents' findings. "Cash payments in the birthday cards alone easily approach the $600 threshold, even though Papa Earl and Gigi clearly tried to cheap out with a $15 McDonald's gift card."

Clarke continued, "We also had a trampoline, several Barbies, and a few Lego sets, although we didn't find the Millenium Falcon that Agent Glenn was really hoping to find for his kids. I mean for the evidence in the case. That's right. A lot of the time I refer to evidence as 'Agent Glenn's kids.' Why wouldn't I?"

Sally Smithson spent the rest of the day filling out complicated tax forms while the surrounding agents ate her cake and ice cream. "This is an important lesson for a young American to learn," said Agent Clarke. "Remember, Sally, always check with the government before you do anything. And don't forget to check that box about donating $1 to the presidential campaign fund. Support democracy!"


Make them practice what they preach!

You think FFF kids are mad at their parents for trashing the planet? That's nothing compared to their anger when you ask them to walk the talk.
Angry Greta
© Cropped from YouTube Video
Angry Greta.
At FaceBook, two German parents of a young schoolgirl decided that if their daughter was going to skip school on Fridays and demand the rest of the world start being responsible for the planet as Greta and Fridays For Future prescribe, then she should begin to do so at home.

Well, that didn't go over too well.

Here's what the two parents wrote: (in German)


Southwest Airlines offers free flights to all passengers who are vaccinated and can fly a plane

commercial jet amateur pilots
© The Babylon Bee
A spokesperson for Southwest Airlines has announced delays in flights due to strange weather that seems to pass over competitors' planes, only affecting their own signature blue and orange aircraft. The airline has stated these delays have no connection to their pilots protesting vaccine mandates.

The spokesperson then announced a new Southwest Airlines incentive program for potential passengers: All flights, domestic or international, are free to any passenger who is vaccinated and can also fly a plane.

"The requirements to take advantage of these incredible savings are simple," said Southwest CEO Bob Southwest to a crowd of customers who have been stuck at the airport all weekend and were frothing at the mouth in anger. "Show us proof of vaccination against COVID-19 and promise us you know how fly commercial airliners, and your flight is on us."

The CEO then mentioned other skills that were not required, but beneficial: Experience calming herds of rabid, sleepless passengers, expertise in flying through mysterious, invisible weather events, and the ability to land the plane.


Infrastructure bill includes Capitol building expansion to hold Pfizer lobbyists


Infrastructure Bill Includes Capitol Building Expansion To Hold All The Pfizer Lobbyists
Pfizer & Capitol Building
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate leaders revealed today that Biden's "Build Back Better" infrastructure plan will include $86 Billion for a brand-new Capitol Building construction project. The Capitol will be expanded to hold 100 Senators, 435 Representatives, and 1,423 Pfizer lobbyists.

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MindMatters: Brain Thoughts: Norm MacDonald, Death, Humor, and Bond Villain Klaus Schwab

Wherein your MindMatters hosts share their brain thoughts on recent news and random things, like the death of Norm MacDonald, death itself, humor, Nicki Minaj, and why Klaus Schwab needs his own action figure.

Running Time: 00:56:32

Download: MP3 — 51.8 MB


Major disaster for humanity - Facebook comes back online

Facebook Back
© Babylon Bee
WORLD — In one of the worst disasters humanity has faced since the dawn of civilization, Facebook and Instagram are now back online.

"Yeah, it's kind of awkward that Facebook is back now because humanity already moved on," said Jane Earstin, local Instagram influencer. "We had already made peace with a world without these horrible social networks, and we were just starting to realize how sweet a life it was with them gone. Then suddenly, Facebook's all like, 'Hey guys! I'm back! You miss me?' Ugh. Awkward."


FBI comes clean: Admits it's 'really hard' to solve crimes they didn't make up themselves

men meeting
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, local investigators with the FBI are absolutely flummoxed by a difficult murder case, since it's one of those rare crimes they didn't make up and stage themselves.

"Yeah usually solving crimes is so easy, because we're the ones that do them," said Director Christopher Wray. "We stage the crime, then we commit the crime or entrap someone into committing it for us, and BOOM! Case closed. I love open and shut cases like that."

"Unfortunately, in rare cases, you see crimes getting committed by someone who isn't even in the FBI. That makes it tough because we don't have their phone number and stuff. We have to track all that down. It's really hard."

With federal crimes not committed by the FBI on the rise, investigators are investing in detective stuff like long trenchcoats and magnifying glasses to help them solve those really difficult cases when they don't already know who did it.

"We may even have to stop committing fake crimes so that we have resources for real ones," said Wray. "I hope that day never comes. Sounds hard."


Vaccinated man just wishes there was something that could protect him from COVID

Thinking man
The vaccinated millions have done what they're supposed to. They've taken the vaccine to show they care about others and are good human beings. Now, these important citizens are looking for just one more thing: something to protect them from COVID.
"I took my vaccine to show I'm one of the group," said Kyle Howard, who had the Pfizer vaccine, "but I'm out there alone, with COVID still lurking about. The government needs to take measures to protect me and my precious vaccinated blood from the virus."
There have been pushes to put masks on "dirty, grubby, unvaccinated children" to help protect all the essential vaccinated adults, but some worry masks simply won't be enough.

Comment: Although this is only a satirical text, it speaks the truth in which we live today. Perhaps this satirical and humorous approach will help some people to grasp the truth and wonder what happened to human common sense.


Babylon Bee scoop! General Milley releasing revised version of 'The Art Of War'

milley babylon bee art of war satire
© The Babylon Bee
Sun Tzu's The Art of War is a pretty good book, but General Mark A. Milley says he can make it even better. Milley believes the book needs to be updated to integrate all the advancements America's modern military has made in military tactics and strategy. To that end, he's releasing his own version of the book.

And here at The Babylon Bee, we're legit journalists, so we've got the exclusive scoop. Here are some excerpts from the upcoming revision of The Art of War:
  • "If you think you might attack an enemy, pick up the phone and give 'em a heads up. It's only fair."
  • "You have to be careful not to surprise your enemy. They really don't like it."
  • "Treason is not treason if it is the lesser of two treasons."
  • "Know thy pronouns, and know thy enemy's pronouns."
  • "The supreme art of war is to surrender to your enemy without fighting."
  • "All war is white rage."
  • "If you surrender, you can never lose."
  • "If thy commanding officer sends mean tweets, thou need not follow orders or the chain of command."
  • "The enemy of my friend is my friend."
  • "Keep your friends close and your enemies on speed dial."
  • "You can not betray the one to which you were never loyal."
  • "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for China."
  • "When retreating, leave most of thy armaments behind so you know what you'll be up against next time."
  • "Chinese bros before American hoes."
  • "He who turns on bad orange man gets big book deal."
Wow! Deep thoughts from America's leading strategist. Let us know if you have more great Milley-esque military advice in the comments.