'Robert Mueller'
© DonkeyHoteyCaricature of Robert Mueller
The testimony of Robert Mueller should have marked the end of a national nightmare. Instead, a new legend was born.

The change came in the space of a single news cycle. Beginning before and ending after the congressional testimony of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the depth of America's faith-based mania was laid bare. The Russiagate press managed to turn reality all the way around.

In the moment, while the event was being broadcast live, the assessment of the ex-FBI director's performance as a congressional witness was nearly unanimous. Mueller was a confused, vulnerable human being, not an indefatigable force.

"Very, very painful," said longtime Democratic strategist David Axelrod.

"I don't know what the #Dems were expecting from #RobertMueller, but this probably isn't it," tweeted Howard Fineman.

"Mueller is struggling," former prosecutor and Mueller subordinate Glenn Kirchner commented during the event. "It strikes me as a health issue."

This was a monstrous indictment of media. The Special Counsel's inability to follow questions or remember key details (he was "not familiar" with oppo firm Fusion-GPS!) exploded two years of hype.

Mueller was sold in hundreds of articles and TV features as earth's most competent human, a real-life superhero. His close-lipped manner and razor intellect supposedly presented a living antidote to our blabbermouth numbskull president, Donald Trump. He was as a character straight out of Team America, an ex-Marine FBI chief by way of St. Paul's, Princeton, and a grad program at the University of Awesome. "Batman is back to save America," his former FBI second Timothy Murphy said in a typical story from two years ago, describing Mueller as "the hero America needs."

This myth died on television.

It happened by mistake, the kind that's always a risk when you're dealing with live broadcasts, as even censorious societies like the Soviet Union have found. Congressional Democrats like House Judiciary chief Jerrold Nadler and Adam Schiff of the Intelligence committee thought a TV show would bring the Mueller report "to life."

How these two goofs didn't know, or bother to find out, that Mueller was not up for the task of following difficult questions is hard to understand. Nadler and Schiff are both lawyers. A first-year law student wouldn't put a witness on stand blind like that for a minute, let alone seven nationally-televised hours.

But they pressed on, convinced the Special Counsel could breathe new life into a case they believed had waned only because Mueller's long report was a "dry, prosecutorial work product" that the public couldn't or wouldn't digest.

This in itself was crazy. Hopeful blue-staters across the country for months have indulged in readings of Mueller's report like it was the word of God - with celebrity jackasses like Annette Bening, John Lithgow and Kevin Kline donning Rick Perry-style smart glasses to conduct televised deliverance of the gospel.

The report has been hyped plenty. It's sold hundreds of thousands of copies and has now been on the New York Times bestseller list for thirteen weeks. In #Resistance America it's as ubiquitous as Gideon's Bible. What Nadler and Schiff seem to have wanted was something beyond familiarity with the work, like video of Mueller calling Trump a crook that could be used in commercials.

Instead, they revealed something no one expected. Now we understood why the Special Counsel avoided live exchanges across two years of being one of the most famous people on earth.

When Mueller's morning session in Nadler's committee ended, NBC's studio seemed like a funeral parlor.

"If, uh, Democrats were looking for a pristine ten to fifteen second sound bite that made the point they wanted to make, uh, it probably didn't happen," said Lester Holt.

Chuck Todd, who along with colleague Rachel Maddow has been one of the most energetic Russigate torchbearers, offered that on the bringing-Mueller-to-life front, the testimony was "a complete failure." He added it "didn't do anything to help" impeachment arguments.

Within 48 hours, national consensus was completely reversed. It was breathtaking.

"Mueller didn't fail. The country did," wrote Jennifer Rubin of The Washington Post. Her key passage, which would become a point stressed by many, complained about the over-focus on "optics":
The "failure" is not of a prosecutor who found the facts but might be ill equipped to make the political case, but instead, of a country that won't read his report and a media obsessed with scoring contests rather than focusing on the damning facts at issue.
In a heartbeat this idea spread everywhere.
"Robert Mueller and the tyranny of 'optics'" blared The Atlantic.

"Forget the theater criticism - Mueller's conclusions are the real news," wrote colleague David Graham.

"Jeffries dismisses optics: We wanted testimony from Mueller, not Robert de Niro," chimed in The Hill.
It became a de rigeur media and social media observation to say the hearing wasn't a disaster, that Mueller in fact moved the ball forward, his mighty reputation intact. He'd been in a difficult position, you see, and fighting evil, not movie acting, is his thing. The Daily Beast said so with this headline and lede:
Robert Mueller, Trump Hunter
Really, there were Democrats angry with Special Counsel Robert Mueller for being Robert Mueller Wednesday morning before the House Judiciary Committee? Are we so unaccustomed to a modest public servant speaking honestly in a measured voice that it enrages us...?
Writer Margaret Carlson insisted Mueller had been asked to deliver the impossible, tasked with "saving the big game with Hail Mary passes in the fourth quarter." However, she said, he "was never going to throw the long ball" (metaphor production has soared in the Mueller period). The problem wasn't with Mueller, but with us, for failing to "manage expectations."

As such, Mueller was not merely Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, but also "Moses on the Mount, delivering the Ten Commandments but not dramatizing them." Moreover, in a predictable development, pundits insisted the rumors of Mueller's disappointing testimony were vicious lies perpetrated by Republicans in league with (or "on their knees" for) Trump.

Mueller was back to being both a sacred figure and superhero (in America, the prophet is always also an ass-kicking leading man). This took two days. Three days after his testimony, Kathleen Parker was arguing in the Washington Post that Mueller's "forbearance" on the stand made him deserving of the Medal of Honor. The following passage was actually published by someone self-identifying as a journalist:
The close-up of Mueller's face was a portrait of rare depth, the sort one is more likely to find on a Leonardo da Vinci canvas with all its shadows, hollows and his soulful, nearly weeping eyes. I found myself thinking of paintings of the Agony in the Garden, showing Jesus' upturned face as he prayed.
Mueller on the stand was a potted plant. Reporters saw Moses and Jesus. If you need evidence we're in a religious mania, look no further. This was a pure exercise in restoring an idol for worship.

It was also a metaphor for the Russiagate narrative. Mueller's legend was built without any of his hagiographers demanding to speak to the man. Virtually the whole of it was constructed on the word of confederates or anonymous sources. In the manner of priests everywhere since the beginning of time, these sources interpreted for us the secret beliefs, conclusions, and desires of the unavailable man above.

"It is instructive to hear friends and former colleagues talk about Robert Swan Mueller III," wrote Time when giving the Mueller third place in its Person of the Year issue. Mueller was a figure of such great gravity, we were told, he does not deign to speech:
Mueller, they say, is the kind of man who flicks the lights off and on at his home to inform guests that it's time to leave a social gathering...
Citizens were urged to find truth, justice, and integrity not in Mueller's words, but in his hair. "Mueller's hair is one little shining piece of sanity in a sea of madness," a portrait artist told the AP. "So precise and sober and straightforward and without deceit..."

The same article interviewed a woman named Alicia Barrett whose son bought a Labrador puppy for Christmas:
"The strong, silent type," Barnett observed. And then she named him Mueller, an homage to the stoic special prosecutor appointed to investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election...
Mueller's silence turned out to be more genuinely Labrador-like than Barnett and everyone else was led to believe. A media legend of immense dimensions was built without anyone first making sure there was a there there. Sound familiar?

Fellow journalists who think they're aiding an anti-Trump resistance by keeping the empty piñata of Russiagate raised to the rafters couldn't be more wrong. This story is Trump's best friend. As opposed to the Mueller probe, which was an immediate legal threat to the president and his family, Trump on some level must be dying for impeachment.

Heading into an election year, nothing would suit him more than the protracted media spectacle of Democrats trying to break down the walls of the White House with a noodle.

Instead of spending next year campaigning against a policy wonk like Elizabeth Warren or a populist like Bernie Sanders (it's safe to say Trump would look forward to a run against verbal mistake-factory Joe Biden), he'll be running against a parade of fourth-raters in and around the party who spent Trump's presidency rejecting real-world concerns of voters and throwing political capital into a dead-end conspiracy theory.

Less than 1% of voters now consider "the Russia situation" the most serious issue facing the country. This isn't a new development. Polls consistently showed this to be the case across the last few years, including earlier this winter, before Mueller's probe ended without further indictments.

In other words, even when voters in both parties knew charges could be filed at any moment, this issue rated below the economy, immigration, civil rights, health care, and other concerns. In mid-March, just before Mueller's probe wrapped up, CNN found a whopping zero percent of Americans identified "Russian investigation" as their primary concern heading into 2020. The network wrote (emphasis mine):
The CNN poll... asked respondents to describe one issue that would be the most important to them when deciding whom to support in next year's presidential election. The Russia investigation didn't register in the results.
The above was the fifteenth paragraph in CNN's story. Talk about burying the lede! Instead of Poll: Americans Don't Give a Shit About Russiagate, the headline read, "Americans want Mueller's report release and approve of his work. But their minds are made up about Trump."

The only people who really care about this story are DC politicians, Twitter, people who don't have bills to worry about (like Hollywood actors), and the news media, which continues to put this story front and center. Ratings are one reason, but people like Jake Tapper and Chris Cuomo have probably also seen Red Sparrow too many times.*

The conspiracy tale has validated every Trump criticism about both crooked media and the deep state. The whole narrative is the brainchild of Clinton hacks, a handful of overzealous intelligence nuts, and a subset of the Democratic Party's weakest elected minds, in particular murine ex-prosecutor Schiff, a man who should be selling Buicks back in his hometown Burbank.

Take a good look at Schiff, at our paranoid outpatient of an ex-CIA chief John Brennan, and at excuse-making Clinton campaign chief Robby Mook (a.k.a. the captain of the Democratic Titanic), and ask if you really want to be re-writing history for those people.

They're making the press accomplices in the most imbecilic effort at political opposition in recent American history. Hence the desperate public comments and the string of wacked-out stunts, like putting Mueller under oath. Impeachment will be the next adventure in doubling down blind.

A significant portion of the original conspiracy theory vanished via a series of under-circulated news reports just in the months since the end of the Mueller probe. Remember the Southern District of New York campaign finance probe that arose in connection with Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, the one described as a "major danger" to Trump? Remember all that talk about how "Trump can't run the Mueller playbook on the New York feds?" Experts told us that the Cohen probe posed a "significant threat" of new indictments for Trump and his family.

When that investigation closed with no new charges the same week Mueller testified, the commentariat barely noticed. Same with the Democrats v. Earth lawsuit/publicity stunt, in which the Democratic National Committee sued Trump, the Russian government, and Wikileaks under a RICO claim.

Plaintiffs charged the Trump campaign conspired to steal and release DNC emails. But a federal judge tossed the suit on the grounds that the Trump campaign "did not participate in the theft." Moreover, the Clinton-appointed judge said published documents were "of public concern" and therefore protected like any other journalistic work product. The judge also ruled that allegations about all the non-Russian defendants (including Wikileaks) were "insufficient to hold them liable" for any illegality involved in obtaining DNC emails.

The end of this years-long gambit only drew a few brief stories in response. The same happened when Mueller in testimony dismissed a zany story about "human activity" detected between a secret server between Trump and Alfa-Bank. Over a dozen news stories covered this tale in length on the way up the news cycle, but dispositive information on the way down drew a shrug.

Russiagate should be dead. Instead, it's gaining new life, with impeachment looking like the New Testament phase of the religion.

Until Russiagate, Robert Mueller was mainly known to the DC press corps as one of many imperious stiffs who made up George W. Bush's War on Terror bureaucracy. At the outset of our glorious WMD hunt and in defense of the sweeping surveillance programs we likely still wouldn't know about if not for Edward Snowden, Mueller effortlessly pushed official lies, conveying the impression of a man who wouldn't wipe his ass with a congressional oversight committee.

Pious would have been a good word for him even pre-2017. Not many people could take two years of being portrayed as a Godhead on magazine covers and in comedy shows, but the role fit Mueller's starchy Northeast celibate image like a glove.

The undisguised nature of the religiosity is amazing to look at now. GQ, describing Mueller as someone who embodied the "boy scout ideal" of "the absolute fairness of the lawful good," wrote the following:
We may decide, in the end, that we do not want to know Robert Mueller; we may even take comfort in the fact that there may not be much of Robert Mueller to know.
This was the old "We're not worthy!" routine from Wayne's World. People did not want to find out Mueller was human in any way.

Newspapers and cable framed coverage of the investigation as a fable of coming deliverance. "Mueller knows" was one cliché. Reading "bread crumbs" or "puzzle pieces" dropped from above also became a regular fixation, as reporters sought to "read between the lines" of court filings.

By early this year, "waiting for Mueller" assumed enormous significance. The coming report was hyped as a judgment day. It was an article of faith with pundits and reporters that the verdict would contain all the expected evidence, as a fulfillment of prophecy.

The New York Times ran a multi-part audio series titled, "What to Expect When You're Expecting (The Mueller Report)." The Atlantic meanwhile worried what the Trump opposition would do once Mueller finished his investigation. Would they be able to "grapple with a new world"?

Like the original Great Disappointment (Christ failing to come down to earth to dispense justice according to the Millerite prediction on October 22nd, 1844), the Mueller watch came to an abrupt cat-fart of an end.

Late on a March evening (coincidentally on the 22nd) the collusion narrative died, with news of the Mueller probe concluding without new indictments. This colossal bummer for Russiagate hopefuls forced poor Rachel Maddow to cut short her trout fishing vacation, and do a somber broadcast reassuring viewers that a concluded Mueller probe was "the start of something, not the end of something."

There is a false narrative even about this sequence of events, as I have the misfortune to know personally. A common trope is that the death of the collusion narrative was a Trumpian falsehood, issued via hated Attorney General William Barr's letter summarizing the Mueller report on March 24th.

As one of a handful of reporters who spoke about loony Russiagate coverage from the start, I began receiving emails or tweets on a daily or hourly basis from people accusing me of "believing Barr's lies." But like others who spoke out that day, I published my jeremiad about Russiagate being the next WMD on March 23rd, a day before Barr released his letter.

The end of the collusion/conspiracy narrative had nothing to do with Barr. It was officially over in the days before, as saddened media write-ups here, here, here, and here ("Russian collusion is a dead end," conceded USA Today) attest.

The lack of charges was immediately spun by some as meaning nothing (Mueller found conspiracy but didn't charge it because Manafort already had a prison sentence! Mueller found conspiracy but didn't charge it because the evidence was classified! And so on). It all became a new story, about Barr lying about what those non-indictments meant.

On a more meta level, editorialists began plotting a rhetorical course that abandoned the search for conspiracy between Trump and Russia, and focused instead on obstruction of justice as the big reveal.

Legal analysts like Jeffrey Toobin were put back to work building the public case. We were reminded frequently that a charge of obstruction does not legally require an underlying offense. These arguments by themselves essentially admitted the previous two years of speculation about criminal Trump-Russia conspiracies involving blackmail, bribery, election fixing, espionage, even treason - all the theories about pee tapes and secret servers and five year cultivation plans and meetings with hackers in Prague and bribes from Rosneft — had been dead ends.

The precedent now would be impeachment of a sitting president for his response to a politically-charged investigation into crimes he didn't commit, the same logic that rightly enraged Democrats in the Ken Starr days (articles of impeachment were filed against Bill Clinton, too, for obstruction, for coaching Monica Lewinsky and assistant Betty Currie). It wasn't as good as a collusion case, but why not? Proponents pressed on, as if this had been their goal all along.

By the time Schiff and Nadler came up with their harebrained religious revival scheme, Russiagate had come full circle. Adherents were now back to making the same arguments editorialists were making in July and August of 2016: Donald Trump was simply too willing to be a partner to Putin. The crime was no longer any overt act of conspiracy, but in the mental state of being amenable to cooperation with the evil one.

This is how Vox reimagined "collusion" after the release of Mueller's report:
What the report finds is not clear-cut evidence of a quid-pro-quo. Instead, what we see is a series of bungled and abortive attempts to create ties between the two sides...

Does that rise to the level of "collusion?" It's a slippery term. But if "collusion" refers to a willingness to cooperate with Russian interference in the 2016 US election and actively taking steps to abet it, it seems to me that the Mueller report does in fact establish that it took place...
Schiff in his opening statement before Mueller's testimony took this all a step further. He said Trump "knew a foreign power was intervening in our election and welcomed it," a crime he described as "Disloyalty to our country."

Noting that this offense "may not be criminal" (a fact Schiff hastened to blame on destruction of evidence and "the use of encrypted communications"), he went on to insist that, "disloyalty to country violates the very oath of citizenship," and is therefore unconstitutional, and a "violation of law." That this concept was originally dreamed up in the Red Scare era (McCarthy also accused members of Truman's administration of disloyalty) seemed not to bother anyone.

Russiagate isn't just about bad reporting. It was and is a dangerous political story about rallying the public behind authoritarian maneuvers in an effort to achieve a political outcome. Republicans who battered Mueller with questions weren't wrong. Investigators in the Russia probe made extravagant use of informants abroad (in the less-regulated counterintelligence context), lied to the FISA court, leaked classified information for political purposes, opened the cookie jar of captured electronic communications on dubious pretexts, and generally blurred the lines between counterintelligence, criminal law enforcement, and private political research in ways that should and will frighten defense lawyers everywhere.

Proponents cheered the seizure of records from Trump's lawyer Cohen, sending a message that attorney-client privilege is a voluntary worry if the defendant is obnoxious enough. The public likewise shrugged when prosecutors trashed Maria Butina as a prostitute, because Butina a) is Russian, and b) palled around with the NRA. This case has seen would-be liberals embracing guilt by association, guilt by nationality, guilt by accusation, entrapment, secret evidence, and other concepts that were considered an anathema to progressives as recently as the War on Terror period. In the name of preventing the "sowing of discord," they've even embraced censorship.

Finally, in an effort to milk the Mueller report for maximum effect, Democrats - ostensibly the party of card-carrying ACLU members - are trying to uphold a vicious new legal concept, "not exonerated." In a moment that provided a window into the authoritarian tendencies Mueller once expressed with more fluency, the Special Counsel declined under questioning by Ohio Republican Michael Turner to reject the idea that in our legal system, "there is not power or authority to exonerate."

This was equivalent to no-commenting a question about whether people are innocent until proven guilty. In America, prosecutors don't declare you exonerated, you are exonerated, until someone proves otherwise. Efforts to reverse this understanding are dangerous, Trump or no Trump. It's appalling that Democrats are backing this idea.

All these excesses have been excused on the grounds that Trump must be stopped at all costs. But you don't challenge someone for being racist and an enemy of immigrants, the poor, and the environment by turning the federal security apparatus into a Franz Kafka theme park. It's fighting bad with worse.

* I'm obviously on the list too, but only because this awful story has been a paradigm-wrecking event in my professional life.