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Dear God, I promise to remove all those references to Mormons not being real Christians from my website.
If you missed the story because you were too busy watching American Idol or Two Broke Girls to tune in to the Christian Broadcasting Network, Reverend Pat Robertson has been doing a little soul-searching since Election Day. Or, perhaps, he's going to an audiologist to have his hearing checked carefully.

After assuring his gullible - no, we meant to say "loyal" - listeners during broadcasts of the 700 Club that Mitt Romney was going to win the presidency, because God kind of told him so, Robertson is now doing some theological backpedaling.

The good Reverend was all but sure God was telling him Mitt was going to win. (Not to mention what Sean Hannity and all the experts on Fox News were saying.) Robertson simply misunderstood. God, that is. Not Hannity.

He listened to God and mixed up His message.

Earlier this year the founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network informed his audience (please, don't forget to send in hefty donations) that he had spent a week listening carefully to what God was telling him. God was pretty specific, too. Robertson took notes. "Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis," Robertson said the Lord had warned. Robertson got it all down on a yellow legal pad.

Worse yet, the United States would soon "begin disintegrating." The nation would face the gravest crisis since at least 1960, when CBN was founded. Robertson decided to play 20 Questions with the Almighty. Would it be some kind of cosmic event? "No," sayeth the Lord. An attack by Iran? "Nope," sayeth the Lord. Would the Mayans end up being correct? "No way, José," sayeth the Lord. How about a volcano? "Noooooooooooooooo," sayeth the Lord, in His imitation Mr. Bill voice. (Maybe the Lord, Who is a Big Fan of old Saturday Night Live shows, was messing with Reverend Pat.)

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Oh Lord, please let Romney win! Amen!
Anyway, add it to a lengthy list of bad predictions related to Christian thinkers. In the Book of Revelation, for example, St. John the Divine warned centuries ago that God had shown him "things which must shortly come to pass." (1:1) You had all kinds of warnings and even seals and John foretold "the stars of heaven" falling "unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs." (6:13) Like figs, all right. Only WAY bigger.

It was going to get ugly and would happen soon. "The time is at hand," John cautioned (1:3).

There would be seas turning to blood. Waters turned to wormwood. Locusts would rise out of a smoking pit to torment unbelievers. The locusts would be shaped "unto horses prepared unto battle." (9:7) They'd have the heads of lions and out of their mouths would issue "fire and smoke and brimstone." (9:17). A third of mankind would be slain.

It just hasn't transpired.

Really, why are we surprised? There were predictions in A. D. 1000 that the world would soon end. (Not to mention Y2K.)

In 1843, William Miller Jr. sat down with his Bible, studied all the math in the various verses, and decided the end was nigh. His followers gave away their earthly belongings and went up on high hills. Then: nothing.

Anna Lee founded the United Society of Believers, also known as the Shakers, and gathered thousands of devout followers in the years before the American Civil War. The Shakers were so sure the end was imminent that celibacy for all members was a part of their theology. Jesus didn't return.
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How about…NO?
The Shakers slowly withered.

Add Reverend Pat Robertson to the ranks of those who say they know what God intends, but don't actually know squat.

Well, not to worry about what God is thinking. He's thinking He's pissed! According to Reverend Franklin Graham, our nation is now screwed because we have removed God from education and government. The Lord isn't too happy and the Lord will punish America for re-electing President Obama. "God will have to bring our nation down to our where you have a complete economic collapse."

This probably means it's time to start looking out for the giant locusts.