A group of American directionally challenged (DC) people from Mississippi, who went looking for God, became devil worshippers by mistake.

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Santa or Satan?


"We simply can't tell left from right," said a member Emily Washington. "We all set out to find God but somehow took a wrong path and are now fully fledged satanists."

"Quite a number of DCs join us," explained Joe Black, High Priest of the 'First Church of Satan'. "As some are also dyslexic, the worshippers believe they're praying to santa."

Pastor Ross Haggard of the Evangelical Christian Church pointed out, "Scripture reminds us that without Christ we are all directionally challenged. Like sheep who've gone astray, Jesus is the good shepherd who puts you back on track."

But Boston College psychology Professor Jeanne Sholl, PhD, explained, "DCs lack an internal compass, they lack orientation. Left is right and vice-a-versa. They forget where they've parked their cars; where their homes are; even some forget who they are; We have various cases of DCs who cook in the toilet and poop in the kitchen sink. They sleep in the bath and wash in their bed. It is a growing phenomenon."

Al Gore has recently said that it's caused by global warming. The rising global temperature is scrambling this human internal radar system.

But Professor Sholl disagrees. "It appears to be genetic. While the mother blows her nose on sandpaper, the daughter eats tissue for breakfast. For it's not just about direction. The brain sends disorientated messages about everything."

Recent DC British examples include 37-year-old Heather Thorogood from Dover, who went to put her cat out and ended up in Calais; John Furley from Skegness who ambled down to his local shop to buy some milk and found himself 60 miles away at a Tesco's; Builder Tom Pike who set out to build his own home but instead engineered a steam engine; and Sophie Langdale who went for a pee but cooked a three course meal for 30 people while wetting her pants.

"The worst cases are those who suffer from 'Timeless Directionally Challenged Syndrome' (TDC)," said Sholl. "Not only do they have no direction but no sense of time."

An extraordinary example came to light recently of a man from Kentucky who took his dog for a walk around the local park; he was found 16 years later in the UK Lake District dragging a canine skeleton and brandishing a 6' long beard.

"This man still believed he was in the Kentucky park. As far as he was concerned only 20 minutes had passed," continued Sholl.

UK Disability Minister, Anne McGuire, commented, "We are becoming concerned by this growing DC phenomenon. We have a part of society who are out of control. We are looking at legislation to institutionalise them."

"What good will that do?" queried Sholl. "Put them in a mental institution and DCs will believe they're in a holiday camp or a cinema and continually break out. We need to understand the orientation mechanism within the brain. Why is it becoming so scrambled?"

Dr Leonard Cramps, a physicist from Delaware University, believes he has found the answer. An electromagnetic pulse emanating from Zimbabwe.

"It is Robert Mugabe's doing," explained Dr Cramps. "He is attempting to disorientate the world, so he can continue running his country without being ousted by the West."

Cramps cites the 'High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program' (HAARP) in Gakona, Alaska, which since 1993 has been sending out extremely low frequency waves (ELF) allegedly to communicate with submarines. Evidence suggests that those with sensitive ears are experiencing tinnitus and hearing voices - directly caused by the ELF.

He also points to the mass suicide of 26 dolphins off the coast of Cornwall in June which some suggest was caused by the Royal Navy conducting underwater trials using high definition, short-range side scan sonar beams.

"Mugabe's a madman," continued Dr Cramps. "He will do anything to remain in power. His beam is far more powerful and lethal than HAARP."

Professor Sholl concluded, "It is vital we encourage every DC around the world to come forward, so they can be examined and monitored. Governments must set up 'Help Centres' with doctors and nurses at hand. The problem is DCs would not be able to locate them."