"Now boys, forget any ideas you had about actually doing anything useful for Ukrainians, first order of business is to fire the generals and build an army that's actually loyal to you. Here's the number of my contact at Academi (aka Blackwater) for starters..."
But with its armed forces woefully ill-trained and poorly equipped after years of underfunding, a frustrated Ukraine continued to focus on diplomacy first.
Political leaders here hurled harsh words at Moscow and refused to give up Crimea as lost. But even as the government in Kiev took steps to shore up national defenses, it renewed calls for a diplomatic solution. Amid concerns about possible further Russian intervention in Ukraine's restive east and south, Kiev hoped for the best - progress in efforts to resolve the crisis - while also preparing for the worst.
Parliament approved a presidential decree mobilizing some of the country's 40,000 reservists and agreed to divert $600 million from other parts of Ukraine's budget to buy weapons, repair equipment and boost training over the next three months - a major commitment for a cash-strapped country.
Comment: See Stefan Molyneux's breakdown of the 'botched plans' of Obamacare