James Comey

James Comey, former FBI Director
A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration's ties to Russia. The Onion presents the most shocking revelations from the Comey memos.
  • The memos confirm the existence of compromising footage of Trump being sworn in as president of the United States of America.
  • According to Comey, Hillary Clinton forgave him for the email scandal the day before the election.
  • Trump was so concerned about Michael Flynn's poor instincts and lack of judgment that he made him national security advisor.
  • The Trump administration canasta group never really got off the ground.
  • Comey agrees with Jeff Sessions on more things than you're probably comfortable with.
  • Even though the extensive use of footnotes suggests Comey was influenced by David Foster Wallace, his terse, masculine prose is all Hemingway.
  • Trump appears to be actively and consciously choosing to do the things he does and say the things he says.
  • After a lengthy discussion, Comey and Trump agreed that The Florida Project's climax was a stark departure from an otherwise nuanced portrayal of impoverished Americans.
  • Comey has sent an itemized minute-by-minute breakdown of his day to the FBI every day since 1987.
  • All of these people are incredibly paranoid and miserable.