© European Press Agency
Human beings in Great Britain are set to enjoy a last day of having human rights before Theresa May is elected Prime Minister on a platform of getting rid of all that namby-pamby, hippie nonsense.

It is expected that Ms May will retain her current position despite running an election campaign so bad it seemed to be satirising all previous election campaigns.

The first order of business will be renewing her contract with Satan to sell her soul to him for power.

She will then set fire to all human rights legislation so she can extradite who she wants, when she wants, dammit.

Then she'll have some Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea and retire to bed.

People across the country were planning to spend today enjoying their human rights whilst they still had a chance.

"I'll probably just spend today being considered innocent until proven guilty," said unemployed hamster-wrangler Simon Williams.

"I've actually taken the day off," said Eleanor Gay, a single Mum of nine and Professor of theoretical physics.

"I'm going to spend it believing in whatever religions I want and then having an opinion on stuff."

However, the prime minister herself has denied she has a problem with human rights.

"These reports are incorrect, I wholeheartedly believe in the principle of universal human rights," she confirmed.

"Just not for everyone."