Are you looking to tie the knot with your child slave bride, but money's too tight? Still living in your parents' basement planning jihad because you can't afford to buy a home? Well, the U.S. State Department and its friends in CIA have just the offer for you! IS!

That's right! By joining the Islamic State, not only will you be provided a FREE honeymoon - that's right, FREE -- you'll also receive $1,500 towards your first home. PLUS, if you join now, your mysterious, American-accented handler will throw in a generous $400 per child to swell the ranks of the your burgeoning terrorist state.

All this for just three easy payments of your eternal soul, dignity and self-respect. Don't miss this opportunity to fight for freedom and democracy by fighting against freedom and democracy! This is a limited time offer, so act now!

Just contact your nearest State Dept. representative or a U.S. embassy near you to full take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer! Remember:

Ask your spiritual leader, FBI or CIA handler: Is IS right for ME?

Some conditions may apply: the U.S. State Department reserves the right to liquidate any IS militants whose deaths may serve U.S. national security interests. Risks include: torture, imprisonment, beheading, involuntary drug addiction, slavery, being killed in a U.S. airstrike by the U.S. or its allies, death by drone attack, death by ground invasion, death by FBI sting operation, moral insanity, and world public abhorrence.

Brought to you by the U.S. State Department, Homeland Security, CIA and the Secret Team.