cardboard gingrich
© Sott.netCardboard politician?
In an exclusive interview with, political analyst and intrepid journalist Ignatious O'Reilly went on record to say that, based on years of personal observation, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is an "invented person, who is in fact the product of a mediatic experiment of mass perception and has historically been a puppet of the Israel lobby. He has also been a member of the non-Reality based community and as such cannot be said to exist in the full sense of the word. This is the most plausible explanation for Gingrich's other-worldly declarations of late."

"I do have an alternative theory", Mr O'Reilly stressed, "but it involves parallel universes and Bizarro Worlds where wrong is right, black is white, and predator drones are fluffy bunny-rabbits, but I am still waiting on the informed opinion of my contacts at the Large Hadron Collider Particle Accelerator facilities".

Mr O'Reilly added unapologetically: "Is what I said factually correct? Yes. Is it historically true? Yes." However, O'Reilly left open the possibility of a friendly settlement with Gingrich by pointing out that he had no ill feelings towards the former Speaker. "I don't have much anger to spare on a daily basis - I usually spend it all on public transport - so I choose to reserve whatever I have left for real people. Being angry at Newt would be like being angry at the Eiffel Tower or the color blue. In fact, I am thankful for the amusement that such a character can bring me every time he opens his mouth and releases jewels of nonsense capable of inspiring dadaist artists back into the creative process. Heck, I like Barney the Dinosaur too for similar reasons, and he also can hardly be called a person!" however pointed out that some of their unionized colleagues have a great deal of respect for the nuts-'n'-bolts-based reality and when the rubber hits the road, they asked, who is going to pay for Gingrich's campaign debts if he doesn't actually exist?

Ignatious O'Reilly
© UnknownMr Ignatious O'Reilly allowed us to take a picture of him in order to dispel the rumor that he too is an invented person.
Ignatious' skillfulness as a debater shone through, however, in his reply. "Granted that being an invented man - or a 'cardboard receptionist', as I affectionately like to think of Gingrich and his ilk - makes the resolution of financial matters problematic. But we must remember that, in Newt's Cardboardland logic, being sent out to work at 5 years old is educational! Is anything impossible for such a Presidential candidate, be he real or unreal, who can so easily dispense with facts, history and common sense?" "Look at it this way", said Ignatious, "you have an 'invented person' coming up with invented facts, when you combine these two fantastical constructs together, there's a chance you could actually create some sort of horrible dystopian reality, which is where campaign contributions rightly belong."

"By putting together fantastical combinations of words, a man like this at this time of the year is like the Grinch on steroids, complete with hatred for children - particularly if they are poor and resist unfair labor arrangements, otherwise known as slavery. And like all good cartoon villains, Gingrich claims that oppression and theft are fair and just."

But not all the credit for reality-warping abilities can go to Gingrich. Mr O'Reilly observes that Christian Evangelicals can't have enough of old Newt, and see him as the standard bearer for family-values voters in the next election. "You heard that right", said Mr O'Reilly, "although the politician divorced his first wife while she was suffering from cancer and cheated on his second wife with his now third wife, and was the first Speaker ever to have been reprimanded by the House ethics committee, Evangelicals liken him to a King David of glorious past. I mean, you have to hand it to these guys, it doesn't get any more unreal than that!"

In private however, Ignatious confessed, off the record, that he sometimes has second thoughts. "You see, as a journalist I make an effort to see the bright side of life. Otherwise I would be tempted to follow Newt's advice to the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement and get a real job and a bath. Why a bath you ask? I know a number of people of the non-cartoon type who have felt the strange need for a shower after being exposed to the presence of Gingrich. I am waiting for an explanation from my contacts at the World Health Organization on this one."

Mr O'Reilly also offered a piece of wisdom to Candace Gingrich, Newt's half sister, after she expressed concern at the possibility of her brother becoming the Republican candidate, in which case, she claims, she would vote for Barack Obama. "Candace has nothing to worry about. Obama is as invented as Gingrich," said O'Reilly, "mind you, the entire American political class is in the same boat. In fact, I shall soon propose a plan for the American people that will save trillions of dollars a year. The solution to America's economic problems is simple: replace those who work in Congress and the White House with Kermit the Frog and his Muppet comrades (Miss Piggy shall replace Gingrinch). Not only would politicians then be much less of a burden on tax-payers, but the level of debate would immediately increase in sophistication and accuracy."