WASHINGTON, DC - At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen.

"I am...proud to stand before you today and...breathe in the same gas used by...millions of Americans," said a wheezing and gasping Cheney, whose body is accustomed to compounds of chlorine and sulfur dioxide. "One breath, however, is enough for me. I'm glad the stuff will be out of the atmosphere forever in a few decades."

Cheney then left the press conference to attend a cardiac health awareness dinner, where he feasted on human hearts.