Whichever way they can, they will project the blame, stating that the other person made them do it, was responsible for their own bad behaviour or simply did not do what they asked.
What is psychological projection?
It was psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud that first coined the term projection, describing it as a way in which an individual projects their own undesirable thoughts and beliefs onto someone else.
Examples of psychological projection:
- Parents who have not achieved their goals in life demanding that their own children succeed.
- Fearing your partner will cheat on you is often a reflection of how you view yourself.
- Believing someone hates you could be signs of your hidden intense dislike for that person.
It is not that a typical narcissist fails to know the difference between right and wrong. They do, it's that when they themselves fail, they feel such an incredible sense of shame that they cannot deal with it. Their delicate ego has to be protected at all costs and so the blame for the failure has to be directed elsewhere.
This leaves the other person in a constant state of anxiety because the narcissist's reasons for blaming them are so irrational and ridiculous.
A few examples of psychological projection might include:
- I performed badly at work today because you wanted to watch that late night film last night.
- I was late for an important meeting because you asked me to collect the children.
- My presentation sucked because you didn't clean my shirts properly.
If a narcissist does something, however small and insignificant that is deemed to be a mistake, and they are caught out, they explode with a rage that is entirely inappropriate to the situation.
Ways in which a narcissist will use psychological projection on you:
- A narcissist might be particularly rude or abusive towards you, but when you get upset and call them out on their behaviour, they blame you for overreacting.
- A narcissist might cheat on a partner first and then blame the partner, saying they knew they would cheat so they did it first.
- They will avoid the problem then blame the partner for bringing up upsetting feelings.
- Give out silent treatment for no apparent reason and then blame the partner for some minor incident that happened in the past.
- Manufacture a problem and then refuse to discuss it, then blame the partner for wanting to talk it through when they say it was nothing to worry about.
- Leaving the partner saying that their partner was going to leave so they got in first.
Never knowing when the bomb will drop and your partner will explode about something that was never in your control in the first place. And inevitably, if you get the courage to leave a narcissist, it will always be your fault.
But this type of personality doesn't sound like a very good romantic prospect, so how do people get sucked into dating a narcissist in the first place?
Experts in the study of relationships believe that narcissists target people who have very high emotional IQs.
Narcissists also focus on people who rate highly in characteristics such as empathy, integrity, ability to compromise, authenticity, accountability, and the capacity to love on a mature level. These just happen to be the exact characteristics a narcissist is lacking.
A narcissist is basically an empty husk of a human being who manufactures an attractive exterior in which to fool the people around him or her. Narcissists do not know how to feel love, pain, empathy or guilt, and seemingly surround themselves with people who have the exact qualities they lack.
A narcissist cannot continue putting up their mask to the world on their own forever. They need constant reminders of what it is really like to function as a normal human being. So they look for these types of people and emotionally entangle themselves with them.
However, even mixing with high-functioning people doesn't allow them to keep up their façade. Eventually, they will go through the typical cycle of devaluing and discarding their partner before moving onto their next victim.
If you are involved with a person that is always projecting the blame onto you, you might be better off looking for love elsewhere.
Janey Davies has been published online for over 8 years. She is the head writer for Shoppersbase.com, she also writes for AvecAgnes.co.uk, Ewawigs.com and has contributed to inside3DP.com. She has an Honours Degree in Psychology.
Reader Comments
My take of the narcissist is the person who cannot deal with severe pain in their childhood and shut down emotionally so they can appear functional. If they project guilt, then they have feelings of guilt that are overwhelming. "Empathy, integrity, ability to compromise, authenticity, accountability, and the capacity to love" does exist on a primitive, underdeveloped level at a point in their lives where they were emotionally drowning and never recovered.
The worst of this article is the closing statement: "If you are involved with a person that is always projecting the blame onto you, you might be better off looking for love elsewhere." All of us are involved with narcissists, because we are all narcissistic to some degree--from the inability to share possessions to causing a vortex of relational difficulties that consume the emotional energy of others. But you have to ask the question: Why are you looking for love? Only people who are devoid of it in themselves go looking for it--an emotionally hungry and unfulfilled soul. The kind who tends to be an overt narcissist.
Love is not something to be found by looking. It is a condition that develops between persons who are striving to obtain a mutual goal. The accomplishment of that goal involves facilitating the happiness and accomplishment of the other partner.
Though narcissism may have been founded in pain, it continues to develop due to selfish impulses. For example, something (I know not what) happened to my narcissist mother when she was a young teenager (I suspect incest by her mean-drunk alcoholic father) and she never progressed emotionally past that point. Her narcissistic rages are clearly those of an adolescent. She trusts no one unless she can utterly control them, and, unfortunately for her, she very much enjoys the experience of power. Currently, my sister (very well trained) is bending over backwards to satisfy Mom's every whim. I do worry about my kind-hearted sister. Part of me wishes she would wake up, and another part thinks it's best that she doesn't.
Love is about mutual goals? Mutual goals can help to sustain a relationship, but they are hardly the stimulus for an affair of the heart!
Like this: they're no part of "loved ones", never were, never will be . . .