As C.S. Lewis once said,
"To love at all is to be vulnerable."Dr. Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and the author of the bestselling book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, has devoted nearly 15 years of her life studying the emotions of vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. Her research has made it into the mainstream and has been featured on PBS, NPR, CNN, The Katie Show, and even Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday. Her Tedx Houston talk, "The Power Of Vulnerability," is one of the top ten most viewed Ted Talks in the world. When it comes to vulnerability, I think it's safe to say she's an expert.
I absolutely love the part where she says: "They had connection . . . as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were."
And this line was pretty brilliant, too: "Being willing to be the one to say I love you first, and do something that doesn't provide any guarantees, this is ways one could show vulnerability."
As Dr. Brown mentions, people who feel shame are more likely to avoid vulnerability out of the fear of not being understood, or disliked, and therefore distance themselves from other people. It is a vicious cycle. It can be very challenging to be absolutely yourself and authentic with the ones you love, but it is so worth it in the end. Besides, don't you want people to love you for who you are, flaws and all? If you are constantly hiding these aspects of yourself, you may never truly connect with another person.
Being vulnerable means showing your authentic self to the ones that you love despite the fear that they may not accept you for who you are. This is a remarkable way to connect deeply with those who are important to you. I'm sure you may have met someone — or you may be like this yourself — who never lets their guard down, and never reveals who they truly are. This can come in the form of what I like to call being a "chameleon for love." These are people who always agree with what everyone says, and always seem to like the same things as everyone else, never sharing a different or controversial opinion. In order to be likeable, loved, and accepted, they do not show who they truly are or voice their own opinion, out of fear of being rejected. This is an example of someone who is afraid of being vulnerable and expressing themselves authentically. But how can you expect to truly connect with someone else if you can't even be yourself around them? This is something to think about.
Being vulnerable also means having your defences down. Instead of being in defence mode and attacking what someone says about you, you can actually listen to what's being said, accept it, and share your feelings in turn. If you can let your guard down, you may find it interesting to see how perceptive other people can be, and you may learn something about yourself that you were afraid to see or face.
By practicing vulnerability you allow yourself to feel:
- A deeper degree of honesty
- A greater degree of transparency
- Less defensiveness
- More courage
- More authentically yourself
- A higher level of understanding
- A deeper sense of connectedness
- Less lonely and isolated
- Deeper, more loving relationships
- Let yourself be seen.
- Love with all your heart with no guarantee
- Practice Gratitude in joy; in moments of terror and fear, be grateful
- Believe that you are enough
Much Love
But there's a piece of the jigsaw missing here.
There is just no sense in practicing one's vulnerability amongst the vast majority of public services workers (yes, including social workers, doctors and other health care staff).
And even amongst some of one's family, friends and acquaintances.
We live in a world where people are intensely defensive and deal with the vulnerabilities you show them with blaming and shaming. Which are clearly counterproductive and even dangerous, even life-threatening.
Dr Brown's thesis is impressive to a point.
...and that's the part where she fails to provide any practical ways of handling/dealing with those who are absolutely convinced that their very lives depend on not being vulnerable back and thus need to eradicate you and your authentic vulnerability.
These sort of people are those employed or heavily invested in systems that measure and control, systems designed by psychopaths for the most part.
So, come on SOTTers...!
Please give me some ideas for the missing part, the how-to part!
Because, after decades of trying to square this circle, endeavouring to be the same, authentic, integrated honest and vulnerable person in all situations as appropriate, I've found that if one is open, vulnerable and honest you WILL get fucked over by these types.