Bitterness



Comment: Here is the video for the below transcript, of Dr. George Simon discussing two very important impediments to growth of spirit and character - bitterness and ingratitude.



Welcome to another edition of the new Character Matters program. I'm Dr. George Simon and we will be continuing our discussion on gratitude, the obstacles to it and the benefits of it. Today, we will be focusing on the chronic ingratitude that can lead to the phenomenon known as bitterness.

As you may know, we've been exploring some topics that I'm currently producing a book about, namely what I call the 10 commandments of good character. We've already explored the issues related to ego-centricity and overcoming it, realizing that we are all connected and that we, and everyone else that exists is connected in very sophisticated ways. It behooves us to understand our place and the many ways we are connected so we can take our appropriate place and be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem, with respect to many of our concerns.

And the 2nd commandment, having to do with overcoming a sense of entitlement is what we've been talking about over the last few episodes. Coming to realize that there are no real entitlements in life. That life itself is a totally unearned gift and it behooves us to be grateful for this gift, even though there are many reasons for folks to feel un-obliged to be grateful.

There are many reasons in this broken, sometimes hostile, sometimes cruel, and certainly unjust world where it can seem like we have little reason, little cause to be grateful. And some folks struggle with this for most of their lives. They come to life, bitterly disappointed and some unmet expectation.

So we are going to talk about that in more depth about how bitterness arises, how it has its origins in a lack of perceived cause for gratitude, and the toll it takes, not only on relationships, but on an individual's emotional, psychological and especially spiritual wellbeing. Bitter people are not pleasant to be around. It's difficult to relate to them in healthy ways. Sometimes it seems that you can never quite please them. And this, of course, takes it toll.

But it's also really toxic for the bitter person. The bitter person can't seem to find the joy in life. One wonders why such an attitude can persist. Bitterness is a kind of chronic ingratitude that develops insidiously, slowly, incrementally, and once it sets in it's almost impossible to root out. The bitter person maintains a dour sentiment and frame of mind that permeates almost every aspect of their lives.

It stems from the person perceiving they have been denied something - that they are owed - and that makes it very difficult to overcome any sense of entitlement. Folks who are bitter are stuck in their attempts to move past the lessons of the 1st commandment that we've talked about, which is about overcoming our inherent, natural ego-centricity and feeling a part of something bigger.

It develops insidiously and can arise in two ways. Either the person, from the beginning, feels they didn't get their fair share in life. They look around them and see others having so much more and they feel they were somehow cheated, or denied various things that they perceive others were given, with a sense of expectation, entitlement, and a particular degree of envy for what others have that they perceive they don't have, they can develop a chronic sense of ingratitude about their circumstances.

The other way that this can arise is when something is taken away. When the person suffers a significant loss. Where they feel unjustly and unfairly cheated out of something that they were attached to. Maybe it could be the loss of a loved one or the unexpected loss of wealth or something else, where a person's circumstances drastically change. Life was going along just fine and then something horrible happened. And the person hasn't figured out how to deal with that, especially, because in some way, they felt entitled to what they have and didn't regard it as a free and perishable gift. Nothing in this life lasts. The only thing that can endure, the only thing that is eternal - so to speak - was there in the beginning and will be there at the end, is the love that brings all things into existence.

But, bitter folks have a hard time seeing that. So, if they have been deprived, or perceive they have been deprived, they can develop this chronic sense of ingratitude that we call bitterness. And if something is taken away, they lose something they have been attached and feel they deserve, they can develop that ingratitude that easily turns to bitterness.

The word bitterness has a Greek derivation and means sharp. And as anyone who has dealt with a bitter person knows, the so-called sharp-tongue remarks that they make can really cut, because the bitter person is really angry about what they feel they have been denied and they don't mind letting others know about it. They want the whole world to know how cheated they feel, and they would like others to feel sorry for them and tend to their needs.

The problem is, the way they go about it only alienates others. Their sarcastic and cryptic comments turns others off and the very comfort that they seek is denied them by their own actions. They don't see it, however, because they are too wrapped up in their bitterness. And that's something I'd like to talk about a little bit more.

It's interesting how folks hold on to these negative feelings when they are bitter. It's one thing to be relatively ungrateful when things don't quite go the way you would like them to. You have high expectation and experience disappointment. When you experience disappointment there is a bit of spiritual desolation that occurs. Expectation, of course, is the breeding ground for any kind of spiritual desolation. So, you have high expectations, you get disappointed and feel down in the dumps and may even get on your pity pot.

But some folks, especially chronically ungrateful bitter folks, seem to hang on to their dour sentiment about life. And it doesn't make any rational sense because it only alienates people and doesn't feel particularly good. So, why then would a person do that? What sense does it make to hang on to ill feelings and to be bitter about what you perceive that life has denied you, or that life has taken away from you that you value. What good does it do? What benefit or reward is there for you in hanging onto those ill feelings?

We know from behavioural science, that ultimately, people do the things that they experience some benefit from and they avoid the things that cause them pain, so why would anyone hang onto the ill-feelings that accompany bitterness? I'm reminded by a poem by Stephen Crane that speaks to this issue, and I wonder if the author didn't have all of this in mind when he pained these famous words:
In the desert I saw a creature naked, bestial, who squatting on the ground, held his heart in his hands and ate of it. I said, is it good, friend? It is bitter. Bitter, he answered. But I like it because it is bitter and because it is my heart.
This is what I've come to know about bitterness from my clinical experience. Bitterness gives the chronically ungrateful person a sense of power and control over their circumstances. It certainly gives them a sense of power and control over their sentiments. A sentiment being deprived, especially when your younger, of having being cheated somehow in life, is not a pleasant sentiment to bare.

Similarly, the sentiment of having something snatched from you that you were attached to. Someone perhaps you were fond of and loved very deeply then lost. These feelings are painful but you are not in control. Things happen, whether you are born into circumstances where you experienced relative deprivation or whether you are suffering an unexpected and unplanned loss. You are not in control, so hanging onto these feelings and not allowing the other more positive feelings that could be snatched away, gives you a sense of control.

No one can release the bitterness but the bitter person, and they know that very deeply. So in a very strange way, the person that feels denied or lost something has perfect control over possessing that only they can release. And so they keep company with their bitterness. They have a constant, albeit pathetic and toxic friend in their bitterness. A something, a reality, that can't be snatched until they decide to release it. And should they decide to release it, they are vulnerable again to hurt and disappointment. So, many bitter folks would prefer the constant and irrevocable company of their bitterness then the potential pain and vulnerability of future loss and disappointment.

It doesn't seem to make sense at first, but it actually makes perfect sense at an emotional level. When you are trying to invite them to step out of their morbid mindset and step out into life again, you have to appreciate what you are really asking them to do. You are asking them to open themselves up to vulnerability, to potential disappointment which is what they have been at odds with in the first place, and to potential loss, which they may fear a great deal. So it's a very tender enterprise to lovingly confront with and deal with the bitter person.

One of the things that I advise individuals who have been dealing with a bitter family member, relationship partner, friend or acquaintance - is to be particularly tender in approaching these folks if you are going to courageously embark on a conversation about bitterness, and to be sure that you don't make it personal. It's not effective to confront the person's irrationality or senselessness of their bitterness. It actually does make sense that the personal who feels either denied or disappointed, wants to hang onto something that only they can release. And also experiences the dilemma of knowing that they invite their own vulnerability to future disappointment and maybe even to future loss if they do open themselves up and try to reclaim some joy in life.

What a person who is bitter needs, if you are going to confront them, is understanding, and what needs to be confronted more than anything else is the bitterness and the behaviour that accompanies it. The sharp-tongued remarks and all of the things that are ultimately self-defeating. If you make it about the bitterness itself, and the behaviours surrounding the bitterness, and not about the person or the legitimate reasons why they have the bitterness, you are more likely to make some headway. And this is important if you are going to be a real friend to someone who is struggling with bitterness.

In the end, however, only the bitter person themselves can put an end to their dilemma, and they have to find room in their heart in embracing the first commandment, that ultimately it's not all about them. They have to get outside of the inordinate self-focus that keeps them stuck and they also have to reckon with this sense of entitlement that is reinforced in our culture these days.

Life itself is precious enough, but we don't see it that way and there's a big reason that we will talk about in future episodes. This is perhaps the greatest insight that psychology and healthy spirituality can come together on and see in many different ways, but nonetheless is the most profound reality. At the root of this dilemma is the fact that we are so aligned from the beginning, with what Freud called the Pleasure Principle, that we can't embrace life. From the very first moments of our existence, we are afraid of this enterprise called life, until we get our first taste of pleasure or comfort. And then, when we secure enough of that, we begin to relish this enterprise and life in that fear of the death or loss of pleasure, until we experience pain that seems to great to bare, then we want out. Then we don't even want to live anymore.

So within us are these two very strong forces within us that rage from the beginning - the pleasure-seeking principle and the life principle, and we, to start with, are solidly, almost irrevocably, allied with the pleasure principle. It drives everything, and because it does, it deprives of from really embracing life. Eternal, timeless bliss. We will have much more to say on that in future episodes as way down the path of spiritual evolution that the commandments that I am talking about are meant to cultivate and that I have been addressing in my most recent literary enterprise.