© Babylon Bee
"We all know monkeys like to throw poo," said John Hawkins, Director for the Department of Sanitation. "We have lots of poo. It's a match made in heaven."
Mr. Hawkins said the program will strategically deploy groups of monkeys to HPAs, or "High Poo Areas", throughout the city. "Each HPA will have its own designated team of monkeys for poo-flinging," explained Mr. Hawkins. "All of the monkeys have been screened by the Department of Sanitation for throwing ability and love for poo. I'm really proud of the crew we've assembled."
While many San Francisco residents welcomed the news, residents of the upscale Presidio Heights district were less enthusiastic. "This is primate gentrification at its worst," said Beau Lucas, a long-time resident. "We are literally taking the produce of our unsheltered residents and giving it to monkeys. Also, monkeys don't have that great of an aim. Don't ask me how I know, but I know."
At publishing time, the monkeys had broken several windows with poo flinging, but fortunately, the buildings were all abandoned storefronts.
Reader Comments
Why isn't this article in the business magazines?
Since the state is employing them, the monkeys shouldnt have to find housing it should be provided by the taxpayer.
Obviously their hours and wages will be deemed unfair so they will require union bosses to negotiate contracts, benefits and retirement.
Then the monkeys lawyers will need to be involved to determine if monkey or primate is the approved moniker for their species.
Finally the monkeys will go on strike immediately upon being hired because of unfair and unsafe work conditions ( like picking up humans shit for instance)
Gotta love Ca politics