Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Hillary Clinton's conditioning training to replicate emotions - campaign staff reports progress

After several months of diligent effort, staff members working on Hillary Clinton's 2016 presidential campaign confirmed Wednesday they have made significant progress in conditioning her to convincingly recreate and convey a limited spectrum of emotions.

Staffers test Clinton’s emotional responses by reading through a list of triggering phrases such as “rising unemployment,” “first in their family to graduate college,” and “devastated by a tornado.”
According to aides who drill the Democratic frontrunner for several hours each day on her emotional responses to a variety of stimuli, Clinton can now effectively exhibit concern, mild excitement, and incredulity. Intensive training is reportedly still underway on some of the more challenging-to-produce emotions, such as polite interest and personal warmth.

"The headway Hillary has made is really encouraging, especially when you consider what we started with," said staffer Cheryl Dumás, who later added that when she began working with Clinton, the candidate was only able to fluctuate between stony neutrality and terrifying anger. "We're very proud that she can now display a virtually indistinguishable facsimile of empathy. It's the result of a behavioral modification technique in which we rigorously reinforce any approximations of compassion that happen to flash across her face while she listens to the concerns of voters."

"We're hopeful that she'll have a functional range of 11 or even 12 emotions by the time the early primaries roll around," Dumás added.

In her current program of operant conditioning, Clinton is reportedly shown a series of images—such as a widow crying at her spouse's funeral, a family opening presents on Christmas morning, and former House speaker Newt Gingrich—designed to induce specific emotional responses, and depending on the appropriateness of her subsequent facial expressions and other body language, she is either rewarded or punished.

Staffers said they began the process by slowly and painstakingly pairing a correct reaction with a correct stimulus. They reportedly first trained the former secretary of state to reproduce a "happy" emotion by repeatedly showing her a photo of a small child playing with a kitten and then rubbing a soft cloth on her face while physically holding her mouth in the shape of a smile until, eventually, she could display a passable simulacrum of joy.

Quenelle - Golden

Cassetteboy v Cameron: Mashup artists mock Tory Toff-in-Chief's revolting ad attacking Corbyn


British toff-in-chief David 'Just call me Dave' Cameron
Satirical video editors Cassetteboy have released a new video poking fun at the Conservative Party's 'attack ad' against newly-elected Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Cassetteboy, who has over 100,000 followers on YouTube, is famous for cutting and editing speeches to turn seemingly innocuous phrases into politically cutting videos.

In the latest outing, Cassetteboy has spliced together speeches from David Cameron's speeches to create a witty critique of the Conservative Party's scare movie that took Jeremy Corbyn's words on the death of Osama Bin Laden out of context.

'Is David Cameron a threat to context?' remixes the PM's words to make it appear as though Cameron holds "contempt for the poorest in the country" and wants to "kick the sick."

According to the video, Cameron thinks "you're either rich or you're dead."

Comment: See also:

Pwned: Russia deftly trolls Cameron's Twitter account after British govt sez Corbyn is 'threat to National Security'

Psychopathic mask of sanity slips: What David Cameron actually thinks of the poor - "This is who we resent"


Queen Hillary

As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive, only to be forced to return much of the treasures by Washington. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding, and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting.

After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000.00, what could she do.

So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that I can continue the King Obama policies, and we can all live happily ever after.

Queen Hilarity Rodham Clinton

H/T Bob in Cullman


How to unwind from the Dark Side: Stormtroopers photographed doing their shopping and relaxing


I hear Dagobah's cold this time of year: A pair of stormtroopers prepare for a chilly winter serving on a remote outer-rim planet
They may commit despicable acts in service of a psychotic megalomaniac feared throughout the galaxy - but hey, no job's perfect.

And when it's time to clock off, stormtroopers like nothing more than kicking back with friends - whether it's discussing work gripes in a bubbling jacuzzi or watching the sun set on the planet of Naboo.

Despite the niggling threat of Jedis that comes with working for a tyrannical and oppressive regime, it seems the close-knit Galactic Republic work force still find time for relaxation, home decoration and even football.

In a series of rip-roaring pictures entitled 'The Other Side', a Spanish photographer has captured the intergalactic soldiers out of the office.

The album also sees the iconic troops - from the Star Wars franchise - shopping, soaking in the bath tub, playing pool and attending a very lonely birthday party-for-one.


My boss is killing me at the moment: Two stormtroopers enjoy well-earned relaxation time after a tough day at the office - the Death Star


Swinging in the rain: Bulldog turns hammock into see-saw

For most wet weather is a depressing seasonal change that puts an end to summer and confines you to your house.

But for this excitable pooch named Columbus it acts as the perfect accompaniment to a great day playing on the hammock in the garden.

The hilarious clip was captured by the owner of the Bulldog in Hungary, who stood and watched his energetic dog from inside his house.


United Church of Bacon membership trebles after offering free weddings, baptisms and funerals


Mocked: The Church of Bacon has put up billboards around Las Vegas
Meat-lovers are flocking to the United Church of Bacon to confess their love for the meat treat after founders offered weddings, funerals and baptisms.

Membership has trebled in just three months and now over 12,000 are signed up to follow prophets who spread the word of the 'bacon God'.

Followers boast titles like 'Bacon Prophet', 'Institutionalized Thought Leader' and 'Funkmaster General'.

Worshippers can get their own 'bacon wedding' for free and the website also advertises funerals and baptisms.

Black Cat 2

Polish Wonder: Rademenes, the nurse cat who comforts sick animals

© YouTube/Cool Panda
Rademenes, the 'nurse cat' lends a paw to veterinarians at Polish animal shelter in Bydgoszczy.
Black cats are usually considered unlucky, especially when they are crossing someone's path, which in some countries, including Russia, is a bad omen; however, this Polish feline is one-of-a-kind: he is a full-time nurse to the ailing inhabitants of a veterinary center and a true symbol of the clinic.

Rademenes was brought to a veterinary clinic in Bydgoszcz, Poland with one purpose — to end his suffering, Izabella Szolginia, the director of the center told Sputnik.

He was in such bad shape that the staff at the shelter would not let him near the other animals.

But when veterinarian Krystyna Kuziel-Zawalich took him in her arms and heard him purr, she decided to help him fight for his life.

It took him half a year to come back to life, Szolginia says. However, after a while the personnel noticed something unusual in his behavior.

The staff were amazed to watch him lying with the shelter's furry patients. He paid particularly close attention to those which were recovering from surgery.
© YouTube/Cool Panda
It seemed that Rademenes took it upon himself to assume the role of a full-time nurse.

Brick Wall

It's a well aard-vark! Anteater stands up and refuses to move out of the way of Jeep


Try and pass if you dare
This aardvark lived up to its name when it rose up and puffed out its chest to confront an oncoming car.

The anteater bravely stepped out in front of the Jeep when it approached on a dirt track in Brazil.

Photographer Luciano Candisani said the animal was making itself look 'bigger' and 'stronger' after spotting the vehicle.

Mr Candisani, 44, was running a photography workshop at the time and was taking them through the Pantanal wetlands in Brazil.

The wildlife photographer said: 'It was very early in the morning. I was leading a photography workshop in Pantanal when the anteater entered the dirt road in front of our jeep and stopped in front of the car.


VIDEO: Turning tables on the Donald: Comedian George Lopez as Donaldo Trumpez

Donaldo Trumpez, an arrogant Mexican billionaire played by Mexican-American actor George Lopez, explains why Mexico should be building a wall to keep U.S. frat boys from crossing the border and to quash cartels who glean all their power from Americans' insatiable thirst for drugs.

The "Funny or Die" clip highlights how two can play the same racist game, and makes the point that before continuing with his bigoted bluster, Trump should stop to think about the other side of the coin (or wall, in this case).

Mr. Potato

Two Russian kindergartners plan "The Great Escape" to buy Jaguar sports car

© Valeriy Melnikov / RIA Novosti
Two 5-year-old Russian boys staged their own version of "The Great Escape" from a kindergarten in the Urals, using spades to dig a tunnel. Then, like Steve McQueen in the classic WWII movie, they went to get some getaway wheels: a Jaguar sports car.

The boys mysteriously disappeared while on a supervised group walk in their hometown of Magnitogorsk, Komsomolskaya Pravda Newspaper reported.

Then the two walked for 2 kilometers to a car showroom, and told a female driver nearby that they were going to buy a Jaguar. The only hole in their escape plan? They didn't have any money.

The woman put the boys in her car, and took the mischievous duo to the police.