Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

Smiley

Hillary Clinton hints at Presidential ambitions by concealing information from American people

© dapd
WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people. "By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations," said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton's efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief. "Clinton is showing voters that she's ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence. This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run." Rothenberg added that Clinton's flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.

Star of David

Watch, laugh, then cry - Netanyahu choreographs a humiliated Congress

This video should go viral. It is from the Israeli media.
Watch, laugh - and cry.


Comment: So this is what an Israeli journalist came up with for Netanyahu's speech to Congress? Something to think about.


Smiley

Bleating goat sparks rescue effort in Cheddar Gorge, UK

© Apex

A goat and her young kid at Cheddar Gorge .
A police helicopter went on a 40-mile round trip after reports of a child crying for help - only to discover it was a goat and her kid.

A worried member of the public dialled 999 saying they heard screams for help inside Cheddar Gorge, Somerset.

The force helicopter, fitted with high-powered video equipment, was scrambled from Filton in Bristol 20 miles away.

But within minutes of arriving over the scene on Wednesday they realised the sounds were coming from a goat and her baby.

Smiley

William Shatner steals space shuttle Enterprise to look for reborn Leonard Nimoy

Image
An arrest warrant has been issued for Star Trek actor William Shatner, who is reported to have stolen the space shuttle Enterprise.

It is believed that Shatner carried out the audacious theft with a group of friends after claiming they just wanted to 'look the old bird over' before she was broken up.

NASA are reported to be incredulous about the crime, as the Enterprise was retired from service in 2012.

A spokesperson said, "We just don't understand how they got her going. She's a relic on a one-way trip to the scrap heap."

"Quite simply, the engines cannae take it. The only way they could get that old tub going again would be to steal parts from a nuclear vessel, and who has the ability to do that?"

Shatner to search for Nimoy

Shatner and his crew - reported to comprise Nichelle Nichols, George Takei and Walter Koenig - are understood to believe that Leonard Nimoy will have been reborn on a new, Edenic alien world as suggested in a 1984 documentary.

When asked their course, shortly before passing out of radio range, Shatner is reported to have replied "Second star on the left, and straight on 'til morning."

Smiley

Russian troops are everywhere: Maybe the kid from The Sixth Sense, or Ghostbusters, can help us document their presence?

Image
They are like ghosts! Everyone in the West sees Russian troops.

Obama sees them. Merkel sees them. The New York Times and BBC sees them. CNN has seen them as well.

Sometimes at night, in my flat, all alone, when the lights are out, I feel like they are present. I have not spotted one, but I can sense that they are around me.

Grey Alien

Councillor says 'Vladimir Putin is advised by aliens' and blames space reptiles for Ukraine crisis

Image
© NORTH NEWS GETTY
Simon Parkes and Vladimir Putin
Alien-obsessed Simon Parkes, a councillor in Whitby, North Yorkshire, blamed hostilities in troubled eastern Ukraine on a group of alien reptiles he calls the 'Nordics.'

The 53-year-old, who claims to have been visited by extra-terrestrials ever since being inside his mother's womb, said the correspondence between Putin and the Nordics "is on par with America" during a Q&A session in Wallsend, North Tyneside.

He said: " Putin had been part of a group advised by reptiles. Nordics made the counter offer to Putin.

"The technology the Nordics are giving to Putin is on par with America."

Smiley

SOTT Satire Desk: the 2015 'Oscars'

Best actor

The best actor award goes to......Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, for his portrayal of a sensitive, caring, jovial, human being, in the 'Bibi-sitter'.


Dollar

Lucrative new oil extraction method: Drilling directly into gas stations

Image
IRVING, TX—Hailing it as a rapidly replenishable and easily accessible fuel source, ExxonMobil revealed a lucrative new oil extraction method Friday that involves drilling directly into gas stations. "We've found nearly unlimited reserves of highly refined petroleum mere meters beneath thousands of service stations across the country," said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, noting that the company had already erected oil extraction rigs alongside pump islands in all 50 states. "As I speak, we're yielding 3 million barrels per day just by boring through a few thin layers of asphalt, concrete, and metal. And, amazingly enough, the supply seems to somehow refill itself every week." Tillerson went on to say that the company was exploring the possibility that there were still massive untapped sources of oil already in Americans' cars, as well as in their homes

Snakes in Suits

Saakashvili's science: Ex-President sheds new light on Evolutionary Theory

Image
© Ukrainian Presidential Press Service/Handout via Reuters
Exiled Georgian ex-President Mikhail Saakashvili claims to be at a higher evolutionary step than the country's former PM Ivanishvili and thus a more potent political leader for the country.

Former Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili plans to return to power to save the country from a "catastrophe," Georgian Rustavi 2 TV reported Wednesday. "Acting officials have brought the country to poverty," he said, referring to the current state of affairs in Georgia.

Saakashvili claimed Bidzina Ivanishvili, who became Prime Minister after Saakashvili's term expired and his United National Movement party was driven from power, was responsible for the current decline of Georgia.

"According to evolutionary theory, Bidzina Ivanishvili and I are at different evolutionary steps. An absolute majority of Georgian people are at a much higher step than this individual," Saakashvili said, before proceeding to accuse the former PM of nepotism and other forms of incompetence.

Comment: Yup, psychopaths are probably on a different evolutionary step. Of course, Saakashvili is still a wanted man and is exiled in the US.


Magnify

Jon Stewart on Brian Williams saga: Guardians of the veracity