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Fri, 12 Feb 2016
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The Litvinenko plot revealed at last!

© Russia Insider
Our source in the Kremlin.
-- So, I want this guy Litvinenko taken out; make him go away; as my hero Stalin said: no man, no problem.

-- OK Boss, we'll use some of those super-secret poisons we developed in the Good Old Days and he'll just suddenly fall over dead.

-- Nah... that's too boring.

-- OK Boss, no problem. We'll stage a hit-and-run accident.

-- That's not complicated enough.

-- OK Boss, how about he's stabbed in a mugging?

-- No, that's just too... I dunno...

-- Beaten to death in a house break in?

-- No....

-- Falls into the Thames and drowns? Disappears and is never heard from again? Drive-by shooting? Car accident? Terrorist bomb?

-- Nah... I want something more... more.. elaborate.

[Long Pause]

-- Boss! I got it! I got it! We'll get some polonium and we'll give it to a bunch of our trained killers who'll take it to London, contaminating the plane, airport lounges and half the restaurants and bars in London and then we'll slip it into his tea in a public place and he'll die.

-- Any chance we'll be suspected?

-- No way, Boss, no one would ever think we'd whack him out in such an elaborate and incompetent way.

Mr. Potato

Stephen Colbert delivers his own speech in Palin-ese

© salon.com
Sarah Palin's speaking style is, well, unique. It's full of folksy buzzwords, oftentimes meandering and hard-to-understand, and occasionally nonsensical.

Call it Palin-glish, or Palin-ese.

We had some fun with her endorsement of Donald Trump on Wednesday morning, and by Wednesday night, Stephen Colbert did the same. On the Late Show, Colbert first thanked his lucky stars Palin was back on the scene - labeling her the (joke) "Material Girl" - and then delivering his own rendition of a Palin announcement speech, complete with the unique style mentioned above (this part starts at about the 4 minute mark).

And it worked.

Dollars

Dad denies 6 year old son's allowance - corporate style

© sonan303/imgur.com
A Missouri dad has given his six-year-old son a tough life lesson by issuing this corporate response to his request for an allowance advance.

The cold denial will no doubt give the boy a taste of what to expect in the future:

"We regret to inform you at this time that we are unable to provide a loan in the amount requested of $20.00. After reviewing your account, we have find you have insufficient funds, and a history of not doing your chores", read the letter from CEO of Dad Savings and Loan.

The letterhead logo is: "Because apparently I look like I'm made of money."

All hope is not lost for the in-debt kid, however, as the letter did say he can appeal the decision to the complaint department... his mom.

We have a feeling this guy is going to ask for a loan from Bank of Grandma.

Family

Over or under? The great toilet paper debate is settled

© Kimberly Hall/Shutterstock
This is the correct way. Obviously.
In any given household, wars between spouses, families and roommates are waged on a variety of different fronts. Who does the dishes tonight? Who will take out the trash? How could Steve have left the toilet seat up...again? And seriously, who finished the coffee but didn't refill the pot? The audacity.

Individuals have to figure out most of these issues themselves through awkward household meetings, and, likely, more than a little bit of passive aggressive behavior.

But today, we are thrilled to report that some questions do have answers. And it might be the most important household dispute you can imagine. For far too long people have been arguing about whether the toilet paper roll should go over (meaning the toilet paper feeds out over the top) or under (meaning the toilet paper would come out from underneath).

Sheriff

Video rant with Relic: 21st century policing - to protect and serve the life out of you


Old Relic: Sitting Around the Fire
Sit down for a spell with Old Relic as he throws some dry split birch onto a warm cozy fire and rants poetic about the discordant state of world affairs. Long retired now, after receiving his PhD in colouring outside the lines, this intrepid reporter joined the SOTT team after burning down his TV with a copy of the New York Times.

Reporting from his isolated one-room log cabin on the cold northern shores of Upper Lake Canada, this grizzled cantankerous old curmudgeon shares his uniquely astigmatic perspective on rampant police brutality and excessive force used by overzealous authoritarian officers who are free to terrorize the populace with state sanctioned impunity.



Smiley

Four-footed takeout? Giant raccoons invade Chinese restaurant in the Bronx

© Mikaa Dtn / Facebook
Raccoons looking for take-out fried rice?
Two fat raccoons tried to lay a claim to a Chinese restaurant in the Bronx, New York on Thursday.

The furry creatures stood their ground before eventually being chased out by a customer with a broom.

Tamika Jones uploaded the video to her Facebook account and said that she came across the scene at the New Chinatown restaurant at near 224th Street.


She said she noticed the creatures when her little brother suddenly ran out of the store. "I pulled out my phone, next thing you know my godfather was there getting it with the two raccoons," she said.

The video has gone viral since it was uploaded on Thursday night and now has over 2.1 million views.

Jones' godfather is seen in the video trying to knock down the raccoons using the end of a lime green broom, while the animals doggedly hung on.

"The owners said they just came from outside, but I never saw them run past me," Jones said.

In September last year a New York rat rose to fame after a video of it dragging a slice of pizza down the stairs of a subway station went viral. It was later reported that the incident was a stunt.

Magic Wand

Frozen soap bubbles in epic detail

© zaluskart / Instagram
The bubbles were frozen at -15 degrees celsius
Photographer Pawel Zaluska has reminded us that sometimes cold is beautiful with this footage of soap bubbles turning to ice.

Zaluska filmed the footage in Warsaw at -15 degrees celsius. The detail is so clear in the footage that individual snowflakes can be seen forming in the bubble.

His Instagram gives us a glimpse behind the scenes at how he filmed the amazing transition.

Comment: Ready for more cool stuff? Check out these Quantum Quirks:


Airplane

86yo woman conquers Kilimanjaro, dances up the mountain


Angela Vorobyeva
Eighty-six-year-old Angela Vorobyeva has just conquered Kilimanjaro, making it into the Guinness Book of World Records. RT spoke with the inexhaustible traveler to find out what keeps her going.

"It was extremely hard," Vorobyeva told RT. "On the first day, we went through a forest. On the second day, my ears started ringing. On the third day, it became almost unbearable. And when I tried to speak, my ears hurt. So for the entire week I whispered. I also couldn't eat. I only drank tea with a teaspoon of honey. I needed the energy to keep going. The weather wasn't great either. We would wake up in the morning, and it was sunny and warm. But then we got into the clouds, it started raining, and we got completely soaked - with nowhere to dry our clothes."

But there was no option of giving up, she said.

Roses

Velma: The Great Dane has a litter of 19 puppies!

© Unknown

Comment: Well done, Velma!


We all know that Great Danes are among the largest breeds of dogs, so it doesn't come as a surprise that when they give birth, the average litter is 8-10 puppies. However, on December 5, 2015 a record for the largest litter of Great Danes was tied by a 4-year-old pregnant Great Dane named Velma.

Residing in Alabama, Velma shocked her owners Josh and Terri, who had been told to expect a litter of 10 pups; Velma was giving birth to an astounding 19 puppies! She delivered an average of 1 pup per hour, taking a total of 19 hours for the birthing process to be completed.

Wine

Mistaken for dead: Russian man wakes up in morgue after too much drinking, goes back to party

© Fayaz Aziz / Reuters
A man in Russia's Far East woke up in the morgue after having been declared dead, local media report. Before the incident, he had been doing vodka rounds with friends - and after the "miraculous awakening," he went back to the party.

The man who was mistakenly taken for dead passed out after drinking too much, local Khasanskiye Vesti newspaper reported Wednesday. However, it is not clear when exactly the incident took place. Khasanky Region is a coastal area in Russia's Far East, which is home to some 35,000 people scattered over the territory of 4,100 square kilometers.