Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Bacon: A marathon of great taste - the 2nd Great Canadian Bacon Chase

© Unknown
Racers in the Great Canadian Bacon Chase sprint for a different prize: bacon.

The five kilometre race has "bacon stations" every kilometre — with an extra helping at the finish line.

Finishers can pig out at an all-you-can-eat buffet of gorgeous, fragrant bacon and pancakes.

The 2nd annual event hosted by Reid and Associates Financial Services Ltd will donate proceeds to the Kelowna Jaycees, a community group of young professionals.

Black Magic

Apocalypse now! Seventh seal opened! Azathoth and the Ancient Ones unleashed!


Cthulu, seen here rising off the eastern seaboard shortly after the release of the seventh seal
The seventh and final seal of the apocalypse was opened last week, when a Floridian man, Fidel Lopez, 'turned into a monster' and disembowelled his girlfriend, Maria Nemeth, during sexual intercourse. In a state of heavy intoxication, she uttered the name of her ex-husband, which was apparently all it took for Lopez to slay her in the most graphic way possible. Lopez smoked a cigarette after disemboweling Nemeth, and by the time he finished it she had stopped breathing, opening the seventh seal and dooming us all to eternal rule of the Ancient Ones.

With the mass refugee crisis lending a hand, the sacrifice of children by the Dark Lords and their minions continue unabated across the planet. Last week we learned that it's official US military policy to tolerate the practice of 'boy play', where boys are raped and sexually assaulted by collaborators of US occupation forces (who themselves have access to US-provided automatic weaponry) in warzones.

Pederasty, pedophilia and the forces of Neo-Babylon US military go way back, suggesting the Ancient Ones have been working on opening this seal for some time. Their success was heralded during the Abu Ghraib prison scandal in Iraq, where children were raped and photographed, their screams heard by other prisoners. The Pentagon has also reportedly been involved in the trafficking of pedophiliac pornography.


Images of this child went viral in early September when it suddenly dawned on people that dead children washing up on seashores might be a bad omen.

Comment: Yes, this article is satire. However, the hyperlinked events did actually happen as described.


A baby elephant attacks! (and then hides under his mom)

A baby elephant felt strong enough to try to attack a car with tourists in the Kruger National Park in South Africa. His grapple with his own fear is hilarious.

Mr. Potato

Best ever satirical campaigns for President of the United States


They're not much more ridiculous than the real thing.

As we make our dumb descent into the global hell that shall someday be known as the Trumpozoic era, it's helpful to remember that some presidential candidates have actually been in on their own jokes. These vary from merry pranksters who can't resist a good hoax to earnest political satirists with a real bone to pick with the system. Political theater — emphasis on the theater — often reveals insights about just how absurd our political process really is. And while the "candidates" involved may be ridiculous, they're often just more transparent versions of those who are genuinely after the brass ring.

In the midst of a campaign season that comes closer to a parody of itself than any in recent memory, here are 10 of the best satirical campaigns for president of the United States.

Mr. Potato

Ben Carson shattering stereotype about brain surgeons being smart

© Chris Keane/Landov/Reuters
Brain surgeons, long burdened with the onerous reputation of being among the smartest people in the world, are expressing relief that the Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson is shattering that stereotype once and for all.

In interviews with brain surgeons across the country, the doctors revealed the enormous pressure they felt to live up to their profession's inflated renown for intelligence before Carson entered the race.

"When people found out I was a brain surgeon they would always assume I was some kind of a genius," said Harland Dorrinson, a neurosurgeon in Toledo, Ohio. "Now they are beginning to understand that you can know a lot about brain surgery and virtually nothing about anything else."

Dorrinson said that acquaintances used to view him as a source of wisdom on a wide range of subjects, but added, "Ever since Ben Carson said that prisons make people gay, that's really fallen off."

The brain surgeon said that he would probably contribute to Carson's campaign to keep him in the race: "every time he says something, it helps bring people's unrealistic expectations about brain surgeons back down to earth."

He said that he was cheered by Carson's pronouncement over the weekend that Muslims should not be President. "Now you can cross politics off the list of things that people will expect me to be knowledgeable about," he said. "I think I speak for a lot of brain surgeons when I say, 'Thank you, Ben Carson.' "


Security kicks out 'Death' from world's biggest arms fair in London

Security guards chased and then pinned down a protester dressed as Death at a weapons' fair in the British capital. The activist was protesting the sale of arms to countries with poor human rights records.

The man, literally dressed to kill in a black hooded robe and carrying a scythe, reportedly had to climb over a 12 - foot fence to enter the Defence and Security Equipment International exhibition on Friday.

As soon as the fearless "grim reaper" turned up at the event, he was spotted by security guards. They were obliged to break into a sweat to catch the guy in an effort to stop him from "killing the mood" for other visitors.

Comment: Just as well for 'Death' that he wasn't protesting in Police State US.

Arrow Up

Young Syrian refugee carries his puppy to Greece

© Facebook/UNHCR
Rose, a canine refugee from Syria, grabs a drink of water.
A video from the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) Facebook page has animal fans buzzing.

The footage features an interview with 17-year-old Aslan Al Hakim, who says he walked from Damascus, Syria to Greece, with his little puppy Rose in tow.

The pup seems to have held up well throughout the journey and takes in some water from a drinking glass while the young man delights in telling the interviewer that he was told he could not bring a dog across the border.


New deal? Welsh magician creates Jeremy Corbyn card trick

© James Went / YouTube
Welsh magician Jeremy Went has created a card trick to explain the political trajectory of the newly-elected Labour Party leader.

In the course of his trick, which he concocted and filmed in the space of an hour, Went covers Corbyn's surprise ascent to Labour's top job.

He covers issues of transparency, popularity, public mistrust in politician's tendency to fail on their pledges and more besides.

The video has clocked up 18,000 views in just two days, with Went, who maintains he is a magician not a politician, telling the Daily Mirror newspaper he "almost didn't post it because it's controversial, but the reception has been brilliant."

Comment: Jeremy Corbyn may well need an ace or two up his sleeve to help counter his British Establishment defamers, detractors and demonizers.


The power of love, Tillie to the rescue

© Photo: Vashon Island Pet Protectors
Tillie sat with Phoebe for nearly a week and helped in her rescue.
A group of volunteers from Vashon Island, Washington have managed to rescue two missing dogs, with the sole reason being that one of the canines stayed for a week near its trapped friend and scouted for help.

One of the dogs, which are said to be "inseparable," guarded the other after it fell into a cistern filled with water, hidden deep in the woods. Tillie, a reddish setter, left Phoebe, a basset hound, for no more than 10 minutes each day only to seek help and then run back to her friend.

Penis Pump

Kazakh Muslim leader proposes sex tax

© Reuters
This is going to cost you.
It may or may not have been a joke: The leader of a Muslim group in Kazakhstan has laid out a series of possible sex taxes, taking into account variables such as knowledge of the state language, homosexuality and even (perhaps) how well-endowed you are.

Murat Telibekov, of the Muslim Union of Kazakhstan, came up with a comprehensive list of financial repercussions for engaging in various kinds of intercourse, and posted it on Facebook. Kazakh and Russian media were quick to pick it up.

Admittedly, there is nothing in the post indicating whether he was serious or not, and some of the outlets suggested that it may have been a response to a recently-introduced tax on picking wild mushrooms and berries.

The extensive list covers most of the ways of cavorting in bed (or not) that you might be able to think of, and proposes a broad range of fees, to be paid on a by-case basis.