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Tue, 09 Feb 2016
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Vatican puzzled as DNA tests show communion wafers contain 0% Christ

© newsthump.com
The Vatican is this morning facing a further crisis after routine DNA tests revealed that the communion wafers used in Sunday mass contain 0% of the body and blood of Christ.

The findings are sure to pile further pressure on the ailing religious organisation, just days after their Chief Executive resigned citing 'personal reasons' and 'being a bit old'.

Bug

"Hello, I'm johnnycashi", scientist names tarantula after the "man in black".

© Wikipedia
"Hello, I'm johnnycashi" is how a newly-named species of tarantula can officially introduce itself after one scientist's salute to the "man in black".

Researcher Chris Hamilton said the spider's black coloration reminded him of its celebrity namesake.

Smiley

Groundhog sees Jungian shadow, predicts everlasting winter of the soul

© DepositPhotos.com / Eric Isselée
Meteorologists were flabbergasted today when Wiarton Willie, the popular weather rodent, emerged from his burrow and was frightened by the sight of the dark, undesirable aspect of his unconscious mind. The large rodent immediately scurried back underground, forecasting an indefinite extension of the cold season of the soul.

"We aren't sure what was different this year, usually he either calls for six more weeks of winter or an early spring, not unending self-inflicted spiritual torment." said local weatherman Bob Poplowski. "I mean, there's no umbrella for that!"

Smiley

Anonymous US official drops bombshell: Putin is an alien!


A worrying omen: Vladimir Putin’s face seen in a formation of birds over New York last year
Russian President Vladimir Putin is secretly an alien and does not possess any human qualities, a US official has warned.

"We've known for some time now that Mr. Putin is an extraterrestrial. We're convinced it explains his erratic behavior and reluctance to integrate himself and Russia into the international community," the unnamed official told the BBC's Panorama program.

The worrying warning is not the first of its kind. Putin has regularly been accused of hiding the truth about himself from the world, although this is the first time a US official has directly accused the Russian strongman of being an alien. The Panorama report also confirmed that when Putin disappeared for a week last year, he had in fact been visiting his home planet, RU-thless84.

Little information is known about the mysterious birthplace of the Russian president, but the official could confirm that the conditions — thought to be at least ten times colder than earth — would make it uninhabitable for regular humans. Although some Russians would probably manage, he said. Asked whether this could be where Putin hides his secret billions, the official said that US authorities have been looking into it and preliminary findings suggest the planet to be the most likely location for the president's money.

"Look, we haven't been able to confirm he has that €40 billion here on earth, but that doesn't mean anything. An uninhabitable planet would be the perfect hiding place."

Comment: For equally absurd 'revelations' from the US and the BBC, see:

Treasury official in most corrupt government on Earth accuses Putin of being corrupt on BBC program without providing any evidence


Dollar

Let's all pay our taxes like Google!

© AFP/Getty images
Google’s chairman, Eric Schmidt, showed why modern businessmen are suited to be the most powerful characters in society when he said he was “proud” of the way his company avoids paying taxes, explaining “It’s called capitalism"

New tax rules should apply to all - even our favourite jewel thieves


What a simple new tax system the Government has come up with. Instead of filling in complicated forms, executives from corporations such as Google now have dinner with ministers in the run-up to the deal with tax officials and drop hints about how much they fancy paying. Once this process is extended to the rest of us, it will be so efficient. Window cleaners and plumbers will meet an inspector in Harry's café for bubble and squeak, hand over £80 in rolled-up fivers and say: "Here you go sunshine, get yourself something nice."

Then we can try it for all transactions. So you'll wander round B&Q, take some planks of wood and a lampshade you fancy, and instead of paying, a few years later you give them a Kit-Kat.

We can't know exactly what HM Revenue and Customs agreed with Google's bosses, as the Government refuses to say, so it may be that they handed over a fridge they were chucking out that needs a new door handle, and a pile of Beano annuals they found in the wardrobe. Perhaps they've also given the tax collectors some spaghetti carbonara left over from Tuesday that should be alright if they scrape off the green bits, and that makes them up to date for next year as well.

The inspectors agreed that Google doesn't have to pay much tax in Britain because it doesn't have a "permanent establishment" here. It does have offices with more than 1,000 staff, a cinema and allotments attached to its grounds, but that hardly suggests "permanent" - we all carry stuff like that around when we're just passing through. Even after the high-ups had the complex built, if they were asked if they fancied a cup of tea, they said: "No thanks, we're not stopping."

Smiley

Film of excited panda rolling around and absolutely LOVING the snow from freak blizzard


Loving it: Tian Tian can't get enough of the snow in Washington DC
Heartwarming video has been captured of a panda absolutely loving its time in snow.

The panda rolls around with a beaming smile, almost basking in the snow.

The footage was taken at the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in Washington, DC, after the heavy snowfall today sparked by Storm Jonas.

The animal in question is Tian Tian, whose name means 'more and more'.

He excitedly rolls and slides in the snow as he enjoys the weather that has hit the United States Middle Atlantic region, causing a shut down in the nation's capital.

Tian Tian is playful and happy as he throws the white stuff over him.


Snowflake

WinterStormJonas shuts down NYC streets, these guys snowboard - the result is awesome

© Youtube/Screencap
The NYPD issued an official travel ban on New Yorkers over the weekend and threatened to arrest anyone crazy enough to drive through the storm. Which, of course, sets the perfect scene for YouTuber Casey Neistat's next viral video.

Neistat took to the snow-filled streets of NYC to deliver what can only be called a spectacular display of rule breaking... and snowboarding skill.

The best part? The NYPD does, in fact, show up to ruin the party, but allows the snowboarder and the Jeep Wrangler towing him to carry on.

The video, uploaded Sunday, has already amassed almost half a million views.

Comment: When given lemons... make lemonade!


Post-It Note

TSA to Klingons flying through U.S. airports: Check your bat'leth

© TSA
PROVERB:
"LeghlaHchu'be'chugh mIn lo'laHbe' taj jej."

("A sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.") ~ Klingon Honor Guard manual, pg 47
Klingons flying through US airports take note - the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) will make you check your traditional weapons including bat'leths.

While not officially found on the TSA's prohibited items list, a smaller version of the double-grip fictional megaweapon was removed from a carry-on bag at Puerto Rico's main international airport last year, as revealed by a TSA blog post this week.


The agency said 2015 was a busy year after screening more than 700 million passengers, about two million per day, and 1.6 billion carry-on bags.

While this was the only Klingon weapon confiscated last year, a similar bat'leth was discovered at New York's LaGuardia airport in 2012.

Among the other notable baggage discoveries last year were live dogs, a knife disguised as a miniature Eiffel Tower, and an alarming amount of throwing blades, including another fictional weapon - Batman's 'batarang' version of a boomerang.


Smiley

Deadliest, knife-wielding crab found

A crab grabbed a knife and fought its way out of a restaurant in Brazil.
© Screen Capture YouTube
Some Internet users said in jest that walking down the streets in Brazil was so dangerous that even crabs had to carry knives to protect themselves. Another man said that in Mexico the crab would have carried a chainsaw.


Smiley

The duck that looks like Donald Trump

© Margaret Krzepkowski/Solent New
This mallard duck looks like Donald Trump
Donald Trump's unorthodox hairstyle is certainly captivating - now avians are getting in on the act, too.

Check out this duck that looks just like Donald Trump with his unusual tuft of brown feathers sprouting from his head.

The male mallard's unusual 'hairpiece' makes him look the spitting image of the 69-year-old Republican candidate for President of the United States.

But this duck's hairstyle is actually the result of a genetic mutation, often caused by cross breeding.

As a result of the mutation, a duck can be born with a gap in its skull that is filled with a growth of fatty tissue and, from this, the feathers sprout in a different way to the normal smooth feathers seen on a duck's head.

© Bud Newton/Solent News
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Crackers