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Breaking news! FBI: Al-Qaeda plots to just sit back and enjoy collapse of United States

onion al qaeda plot

All that's needed!
Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a "highly credible terrorist threat," the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America's increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

"We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair," FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. "If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real."

"And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way," he added.
Megaphone

Panic in Makurdi, Nigeria Over 'Talking' Chicken

Chicken
© Unknown
The chicken pictured above is not the chicken accused of talking, but it is crossing a road.
Residents of Makurdi, capital of Benue state yesterday panicked as a story spread that a chicken being taken to market for sale suddenly started speaking in Arabic.

Residents around the 'A' division police station beside Wadata Market, Makurdi fled in different directions over as news of the mystery spread.
Heart

Pooch waits 8 days outside hospital for owner


A patient at a Brazilian hospital has had an emotional reunion with his dog after the loyal pet spent eight days in a hospital car park waiting for him.

Seco the dog waited patiently for his owner, homeless man Lauri da Costa, after he staggered into the hospital's emergency ward with brutal injuries from being beaten with a rock, local news site Radio Uirapuru reports.

But what was expected to be a few hours in hospital, in the small city of Passo Fundo, turned into more than a week after doctors found a melanoma on Mr da Costa's face and had to operate immediately.
Smiley

Copenhagen Zoo kills four healthy staff members to make space for new employees

The Copenhagen Zoo has killed several of its staff members early this morning in order to create four new job openings, the Zoo public relations sector reported.

Officials of the Zoo say that the four members of the staff were humanely executed after being put to sleep with a lethal injection, and then skinned and chopped up while visitors crowded around and the meat was fed to the lion population.

"Based on the recommendation of the European Association of Work and Organizational Psychology (EAWOP), we have decided to make space for new work positions, because the Zoo needs new workers, and we found that killing old staff members was the cheapest and the most efficient way to do it," said Zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro "Four of the oldest staff members, among them one female, were put to sleep with a lethal injection and then fed to the giraffes. However, the giraffes didn't show interest in their meat, so they were fed to the lions," explained the Zoo spokesman.
Smiley

Dumbing down America: Miss USA "Should math be taught in schools?"


Funny, but we're not that far from this

No one actively prevents people from learning.

It's not like slave days where it was a crime to teach slaves to reach and write and a crime for them to learn how.

Yet, our culture - as projected by television - doesn't really encourage learning, does it?

This video is a joke, but it skates uncomfortably close to the truth.

What do you call a society that has every opportunity to learn, but actively chooses not to?

"Doomed" is one word that comes to mind.

Comment: There are ample examples that the dumbing down of America is real and that math is close to being viewed as in the video above, though it is satire. See also:

This Common Core math worksheet offers a glimpse into Kafkaesque third-grade hell
Here's another impossibly stupid Common Core math worksheet
Read parent's Facebook response to 'ridiculous' Common Core math homework

Smiley

Scotland to sensibly switch to driving on the right if independence goes through

Scottish road sign
© Stephen Finn/Alamy
Road names will change to reflect independence, with M (motorway) becoming S (Scotland) and A roads becoming N roads (nationalist

Current road signage system would also be scrapped under scheme nationalists say helps show country is 'part of Europe'

Scottish nationalist leaders will attempt this week to give the trailing yes campaign a boost by revealing a series of measures aimed at showing what an independent country would look like.

Seeking to capitalise on the arguments this week about "bullying" England and keeping the pound, they will unveil an ambitious scheme to scrap the current - English inspired - road signage system. M for motorway will be replaced with a new S - for Scotland and the A trunk roads will become N roads - for Nationalist in honour of the new country. Blue will be the predominant backing colour.

The scale of the scheme is enormous: Scotland has 2,174 miles of road, including the 273-mile long A9 stretching from Edinburgh to John O'Groats - known as the "spine of Scotland".

It is estimated that 58,000 signs will have to be replaced - scrapping the famous road sign font known as "Transport" with a new Celtic-tinged typeface, Proclaimer. And it could be that they may take the opportunity to renumber all of Scotland's roads, beginning at one.
Chalkboard

Hilarious response a California second-grader reportedly wrote on his Common Core math assignment

© UTSA.edu
A second-grade student reportedly attending elementary school in California does not appear to be a fan of the Common Core math curriculum.

The 7-year-old's parent sent the Daily Caller a copy of a note that the anonymous child left on a math assignment.
Just delightful. Second grader's revenge on Math http://t.co/HWalTzvHUC via @Yahoopic.twitter.com/dkP6UntgvE
- Akasha Garnier (@AkashaGarnier) March 30, 2014
"17 + 25 = 42," the student reportedly wrote. "I got the assignment by talking in my brain and I agreed of the answer that my brain got."
Smiley

Darth Vader announces bid for Ukrainian presidency

Download video (16.57 MB)

Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided to join the Ukrainian presidential campaign. His program involves re-forging the republic of Ukraine into an empire and restoring its former glory.

Vader, the former Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker, won the primaries of the Ukrainian Internet Party, the group said in a statement. He is to be officially proposed for presidential candidacy on Saturday at a party session.

"I am prepared to take responsibility for the fate of this country, if fellow citizens do me this high honor. I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country," the Sith lord said.

Darth Vader has previously taken part in several political actions in Ukraine. The most recent was in November 2013, when he was carried in a sedan chair by a group of Imperial Stormtroopers to Odessa City Hall, declaring himself acting mayor of the city, citing an order by Emperor Palpatine.

Magic Hat

Proof that Kanye West is a vampire

Kim and Kanye

Rapper, father and man-sized toddler Kanye West is also a vampire and there is photographic evidence to prove it.

In a photo taken by Annie Leibowitz from Vogue's April cover shoot, West is seen taking a photo of their baby North and Kim with an iPad, who is also taking a photo of herself while posing in front of a mirror.

HOWEVER!

Kanye is also clearly standing in front of the mirror, but his reflection doesn't appear, which means that he is a vampire because everyone knows that vampires are real and that real vampires do not have reflections.
Hardhat

Pheasant from hell terrorises family on a UK farm


The cock pheasant has seen off dogs, a cat and several vehicles at the farm
An unpleasant pheasant is terrorising a Cambridgeshire farming family and leaving visitors and pets fearful of attack whenever they venture out of doors

In scenes worthy of a Hitchcock film, a furious pheasant is besieging a farmhouse and leaving a terrified family too fearful to venture outside without protection.

Farmer's wife Anne-Marie Hamilton said their feathered terrorist has also been menacing visitors to Wood Farm, attacking vehicles and chasing cats and dogs.

A delivery driver was trapped at the farm in Weston, Cambridgeshire, for 20 minutes after the male bird blocked his path, flew at the bonnet and then chased his van.

Mrs Hamilton, who described the pheasant as "a complete lunatic", said family and visitors can only venture into the farmyard armed with "a big stick' to deter the pheasant from attacking.

"It's an absolute nightmare," said Mrs Hamilton. "Even when you can't see him, you can hear him lurking about. He's never far away so you can't let your guard down. He's a holy terror.
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