In a public broadcast yesterday the Venezuelan government announced the transition to democracy. Measures include the sale of community media to business giant Rupert Murdoch, and the privatisation of the health sector.

A Venezuelan government spokesperson told the press, "On the advice of a special US commission, the government will be expanding media diversity by selling all of its community media to Rupert Murdoch".

"The media package includes Latin America's Telesur, which will no longer report from the ground and talk to real people, but rather read US government press releases from an autocue," the government spokesperson said.

Further, the government announced it will be bringing Monsanto into the country to advise on food reform.

"We realised that organised communities shouldn't participate in politics, they don't know their own needs, only transnationals like Monsanto and Macdonalds really understand these issues," the spokesperson said.

Death to Punxsutawney Phil!

That's what Butler County Prosecutor Mike Gmoser has suggested.

Gmoser on Thursday issued a fake single-count direct indictment of the groundhog charging him with "misrepresentation of spring" for making people believe the season would arrive early.

Thanks to an Arctic air mass hanging over the area, there is a 60 percent chance we could see 1-3 inches of snow on Sunday.

Jerusalem - While touring Israel's "Iron Dome" all-weather missile defense system Wednesday, President Barack Obama sarcastically asked Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu where he got all the money to build such technologically advanced equipment. "Boy, you've gotta have some pretty deep pockets to afford something like this - how much did you say this ran you guys?" asked Obama, who later added that the cutting-edge system designed to intercept both short and long-range missiles must have "cost Israel an arm and a leg."

"I mean, wow. I didn't know you guys had this much in the old war chest, but apparently you do. Really, really impressive stuff. No wonder you're so independent."

Washington - Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress, posing what sources are calling "an extreme risk" to the U.S. federal government and the nation at large.

According to authorities, the hundreds of individuals, all of whom have a prior history of sociopathic and harmful behavior, were seen entering the U.S. Capitol Building at approximately 10 a.m. this morning, at which point officers promptly arrived on the scene and secured the area.

Citizens in the D.C. area, and across America, are being urged to stay vigilant as officials attempt to ascertain the precise nature of the threat these individuals pose.

One day ahead of the papal conclave in Rome, The Independent has revealed that the scandal hit Holy See has purchased a $31 million share of the Rome apartment block that houses Europe's biggest gay sauna.

It's a move that has left a sea of red faces to match the red capes of the horrified cardinals. But Cardinal Ivan Dias, the head of the Congregation for Evangelization of Peoples, who is due to participate in today's election at the Sistine Chapel, may be blushing more than most.

According to the Independent, the 76-year-old 'prince of the church' enjoys a 12-room apartment on the first-floor of his magnificent palazzo, located at 2 Via Carducci, just yards from the ground floor entrance to the gay bath house and sauna.

There are 18 other Vatican apartments in the block, many of which house priests, the Independent reports.

Anti-aging! Space diamonds! Groundbreaking medical research! Wow, Celestial Black Diamond Night Cream sure sounds like a miracle. Let's take a closer look.

The product description says the cream includes black diamond particles "believed to have formed in space." Huh? Either they came from space, or they didn't. Manufacturer 111 Skin doesn't divulge the sourcing method for the particles, but it does describe them as "microspheres that penetrate the deeper dermal layer of the skin in order to transport three essential youth restoring ingredients: patent-pending NAC Y2 formula, Collagen type I and III and Hyaluronic acid."

A query to 111 Skin's press person about the origin of the diamond particles has so far gone unanswered.

So where do they come from?

Have they fallen to Earth like David Bowie? Is there some top-secret space mining operation going on that we don't know about it? I expect the speculation is a lot more exciting than the reality.

A new robot toy hamster is trending is Russia that repeats back whatever you say in a high-pitched hamster voice while bobbing up and down. This Russian driver was playing with his hamster when he was pulled over for a routine check.

But when the cop started asking him questions, the hamster simply repeated him. The driver couldn't help but laugh.

Finally, the policeman says, "Who is talking? Is it the hamster? Okay, everything looks fine, next time, no talking animals."

London - A mystery man dressed as Batman demonstrated the same crime-fighting skills as the caped crusader when he handed over a suspect wanted for burglary in Britain.

Surveillance footage showed a portly figure wearing an ill-fitting costume including gloves, cape and mask, bringing a 27-year-old man to a police station in Bradford in northern England.

The suspect was arrested and charged with handling stolen goods and fraud-related offences, according to the force. But the costumed crime-fighter disappeared into the night without leaving his name.

"The person who brought the wanted man into the station was dressed in a full Batman outfit," a spokeswoman for West Yorkshire Police said. "His identity, however, remains unknown."

The suspect was handed over early on February 25. Police released photos of the footage Monday.

A small dog saved the life of a three-year-old girl who went missing in Poland and spent the night in freezing cold temperatures, Vesti FM radio reported on Sunday.

The girl, Julia, disappeared with her pet dog from the village of Pierzwin in the Lubusz province in western Poland on Friday. She was found lying in nearby marshland on Saturday morning with the dog by her side.

Firefighters who found the girl said the dog kept the child warm enough throughout the night, with temperatures plunging to minus 5 degrees Celsius (23 Fahrenheit).