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smokers for Jesus

Jesus hates a quitter
Programming is a powerful thing.

Everyone knows that smoking is bad for your health, right? They know this because their governments tell them so, and everybody knows that our governments only have the best interests of the people at heart, right? (roll eyes here)

With the relentless push towards GMO crops, toxic flouride in the drinking water, mandatory mercury-laden vaccines, chemical pollutants spewing into the atmosphere, herbicides and pesticides sprayed from here to kingdom come, it's a wonder anyone remains alive on planet earth!
Eye 1

My bloody legacy - Tony Blair: "No matter how many times I wash my hands.."

the daily squib

Tony Blair, Middle East 'peace' envoy

"Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red"
London - England - Former Prime Minister, Tony Blair has given a rare insight into his life, in which he bemoans the state of hand soap these days.

"No matter how many times I wash my hands daily I cannot seem to clean my hands. I have used pretty much every brand of soap from here to Kathmandu and still nothing works. Does anyone know of a soap manufacturer that makes proper soap any more?" a visibly angry Tony Blair said at a recent book signing event.

Mr Blair's long suffering wife, Cherie, has also remarked about the ongoing soap problem.

"I can't take it any more, which ever one of our mansions we go to, the stains are all over the walls, the carpets and bed sheets. The blood drips into your cornflakes in the morning, try putting sugar into your tea with blood dripping every where, we had the vicar around the other day. I keep telling Tony to wash his hands, he goes and does it then comes back even bloodier than before."

If anyone has a solution to Mr Blair's problem please send your answers on a postcard to : Tony Blair Blood on Hands Problem Comp, P.O. Box 666, Money Street, WC1 D62 The person with the best idea will get a bar of soap and a smack across the chops.
Bad Guys

'Humanity' marks WW1 anniversary with wars

http://palestinechronicle.com

Brave Israeli soldiers enjoying their WW1 anniversary party - off to slaughter more innocent Palestinian men, women and children in Gaza

Mankind has commemorated World War One with armed conflicts around the planet
.

From Eastern Europe and the Middle East to regions of Africa, humans marked the 100th anniversary of the first global conflict by shooting at each other.

A spokesman for humanity said: "If there's one lesson we must take from our past, it's that war is really good and always ends well. Any veteran will tell you that being in a war is pretty much the best thing they've done.

"Some cynics thought that traditional war motivators like religion and nationalism might fall away as we became more 'evolved' but I'm proud to say they are as popular as ever. And even better we've now got the planet's dwindling natural resources to fight about.

"Right now it feels like there's enough enthusiasm for war to keep it going for another hundred years or the end of civilization, whichever comes first."
Roses

Raju the crying elephant gets new home at Indian sanctuary after 50 years in captivity

Raju crying elephant

Raju bathes in the water with his new family at the Mathura, India sanctuary
After 50 brutal years of being used as a "beggar's prop," Raju finally has a family of his own.

The tortured elephant who made headlines in July for crying upon his release from captivity has joined five striking female pachyderms at his new home in India.

Tear-jerking video shows the gentle giant being welcomed to the Wildlife SOS's Elephant Conservation and Care Center refuge in Mathura by his new companions.

Raju - believed to have been snatched from his mom as a young calf and to have been traded among 27 owners over the course of five grueling decades - joined new pals Laxmi, Chanchal, Sai Geeta, Phoolkali and Maya the sanctuary.

The female pachyderms flapped their ears, trumpeted greetings and touched Raju with their trunks - all signs of joy.

His new family members, collectively dubbed the "Herd of Hope," were all rescued by the Wildlife SOS charity, which also saved Raju from a life of "hell" during a nighttime raid early July.
Snakes in Suits

David Cameron's next Muslim woman to be more stereotypical

the daily mash

The next Muslim woman appointed to the government will wear the veil and walk four steps behind the prime minister.


David Cameron said he was surprised at Baroness Warsi's resignation over the Israeli bombardment of Gaza, as he had not given her permission to speak, let alone write a letter.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "We desperately want a Muslim lady in the government - it's very now - but the next one will have to be full burkha.

"She can come to meetings and sit in the corner. If she disagrees with something she can always move her eyes quickly from side to side. Or perhaps she could do a little feminine cough."

The spokesman added: "We've asked the Saudis if they can recommend anyone. We could give them 10 per cent off a tank, or something."
Oscar

Man nose-pushes Brussels sprout up Snowdon mountain


Stuart Kettell completed his challenge at about 13:30 BST on Saturday
A man has completed his challenge to push a Brussels sprout up Snowdon using his nose.

Stuart Kettell, from Balsall Common in the West Midlands, started out on Wednesday and reached the 1,085m (3,560ft) summit in three days.

The 49-year-old trained for his charity mission by pushing a sprout around his garden with his nose.

Mr Kettell said he selected a large sprout so it would not fall down a crevice in the rock.

His aim was to collect at least £5,000 in sponsorship for Macmillan Cancer Support, but does not yet know how much he has raised.

"People definitely think I'm mad, and I'm beginning to think it myself," he said.
Smiley

Exclusive: Intimate TSA Agents May Get Ebola First

the daily squib

A brave TSA agent, fondling with danger, for your security.
Newark - USA - Intimate body searches at airports across the United States could mean that TSA agents contract the deadly Ebola virus first.

As the cocky TSA agent tells the man to bend over from West Africa and pats his crotch down, a bead of sweat falls onto his gloved hand. With a gestation period of 21 days little does the TSA agent know that when he has an itch in his eye three minutes later, he's rubbing Ebola virus into his eye.

TSA agents are on the front line, fondling, stroking people's private parts during invasive searches daily.

"It's not just the TSA agents who are at risk, they don't change their gloves after each invasive search, they use the same pair of gloves all day, therefore any viral pathogens present on a gloved hand stay there and are spread from person to person. One person can therefore infect thousands in a day," Dr. Lucius Trimble, from the Washington Virus Research Institute told MSNBC.
Mr. Potato

LA residents call 911 to report Facebook outage

facebook
© Facebook
A number of Los Angeles residents resorted to calling the 911 just to report that Facebook was down on Friday.
A number of Los Angeles residents resorted to calling the 911 just to report that Facebook was down on Friday.

As reported by Reuters, Facebook was not accessible to several countries for just around 30 minutes on Friday, but was fully restored after fixing the technical failure. Many residents of Los Angeles considered this as an emergency situation so they called the 911.

Sgt. Burton Brink, public information officer of the Los Angeles County Sheriff office, posted a tweet reprimanding those who called up the 911 lines just to cry for help on the Facebook outage: "Facebook is not a Law Enforcement issue, please don't call us about it being down, we don't know when FB will be back up!"
Mr. Potato

Thanks so much for clarifying: Ken Ham sez defund NASA's search for alien life to build more Creation museums

© Rawstory
Fruit loop
Ken Ham walked back his widely reported comments on the search for extraterrestrial life by joking that the money should instead be spent on building more creationist museums.

The president of the Answers in Genesis ministry appeared this week on fellow creationist Ray Comfort's Comfort Zone online program, arguing that the existence of intelligent life would undermine Christian theology.

"Understanding the Gospel that God's son became a man, became a descendent of Adam, became the God-man (and) remains the God-man - our savior - and that only humans can be saved, so obviously Jesus didn't become a God-Klingon, he became a God-man," Ham explained.


Comment: Huh?


The creationist complained that critics, including scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson and talk show host Bill Maher, had falsely accused him of calling for NASA to be defunded, but he continued to call space exploration a waste of money based on non-biblical teachings.

"One of the big thrusts in the space program is to look for life in outer space, look for alien life, and of course, you know, they believe that, because they think that they came about as a product of naturalistic evolution," Ham said.

Comment: Space program should end because aliens are going to hell anyway sez Creationist Ken Ham

Hear all, believe nothing. Read The Wave, Ken!

Quenelle

"Just say no" to Israel - Jon Stewart

© The Daily Show
On Thursday night's Daily Show, host Jon Stewart continued to try and make heads or tails of America's actions in Israel. Despite the fact that Secretary of State John Kerry has repeatedly tried to broker a peace deal between Israel and Hamas, Stewart finds the nation's actions a little confusing.

Moments after a 72-hour ceasefire was announced between the two countries, Israel asked the United States for more weapons, which the United State was ready to provide.

"Maybe they're just running out of sh*t to blow up...maybe it's the opportunity for peace that as we heard earlier, the administration has been working tirelessly towards," Stewart said.

"Guys! We cannot be Israel's rehab sponsor...and its drug dealer...It's not gonna work, just say no!" Stewart bemoaned.
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