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Snowflake Cold

It's an icy cold spring in Germany - obviously, it's Putin's fault

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Funny. This ridiculing of hardline German media propaganda against Russia has gone completely mainstream in Germany. Very well done, it comes from a very popular German language news satire website called The Global Morning Post Observer. It's full of similar stuff.

This article originally appeared at Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau (The Global Morning Post Observer)
Translated by Tom Winter at Fort Russ.


Our sparrows are not singing from the rooftops, for the sparrows are frozen solid. The Russian president once again is dealing his devilish game in Deutschland.

Instead of springtime here in Germany, we have to undergo sleet and ice storms, such as never before have greeted the month of April. Whether it is an April Fool, or a serious provocation of Russian president Vladimir Putin awaits further investigation.

V

Ironic: Illicit Snowden statue removed in NYC park

Runners and dog-walkers in Brooklyn's Fort Greene Park were greeted with an unusual sight yesterday morning: a 4-foot tall bust of National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden.

The pair of anonymous artists responsible tapped arts and culture blog ANIMAL New York to film the guerrilla installation, which was covered and eventually taken down by the city parks officials by mid-day Monday. The artists' developed a contingency plan that involved 3-D printing "an army of mini-Snowden heads." Although, to-date, no such back-up forces have arrived, a group of locally-based political artists known collectively as The Illuminator projected a holographic image of Snowden in the place where the bust had briefly stood last night.

Before dawn, the small crew donning construction attire hauled the 100-pound statue, made by a sympathetic sculptor on the West Coast, into the Prison Ship Martyr's monument, built to commemorate the 11,000 American soldiers who died on British ships during the Revolutionary War. Snowden's likeness was placed atop an empty column. Rather than bronze, the statue was constructed out of hydrocal, a substance often used in Las Vegas casinos to replicate castles and Romanesque statues in gaudy displays. They spared no detail, ensuring that the color of the bust and Snowden's last name, spelled out at the column's base, fit perfectly into the rest of the monument.

Water

Report: Majority of Earth's potable water trapped in Coca-Cola products


Experts estimate that the average can of Coca-Cola contains nearly 12 ounces of potable but entirely inaccessible freshwater.
Corvallis, Oregon—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource's scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth's supply of potable water is trapped in Coca-Cola products.

According to top experts, the new report marks the first comprehensive attempt to measure the planet's freshwater reserves and determine exactly how much of it is currently locked inside sources such as Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-Free Coke, Dr. Pepper, Barq's root beer, and other Coca-Cola beverages, making it impossible to use as drinking water, or for bathing or cooking.

"Less than 3 percent of the earth's water is fresh, and of that, more than two-thirds exists in the form of Coke products incapable of serving any human need," said the report's lead author, Samer Ghosh, adding that the amount of freshwater that's not trapped in the brand's line of colas has been steadily declining for years. "There are vast, untapped quantities of potable water within these sodas, and they can be found in heavy concentrations throughout the world's grocery stores, vending machines, and home refrigerators. Unfortunately, though, we have no way of extracting it."

"Our own country has enough water in its Vanilla Coke Zero to fill Lake Michigan, but in its current state that water is useless to us," he added.

Comment: See also: Coca-Cola and Nestle are sucking us dry without our even knowing effectively privatizing water supplies


Bomb

Historic nuclear weapon talks end with the US agreeing to keep all of their bombs

© Waterford Whispers News
Following eight days of tense negotiations in Switzerland, America has increased fears by confirming it will keep almost all of its reported 1900 deployed nuclear warheads along with its over 5000 additional unarmed nuclear warheads.

Conversely the news that Iran's nuclear program would slow down significantly to the point where they will still have zero warheads was met with warm applause from citizens around the world.

Many citizens in the Middle East and its surrounding environs were pleased to hear that a country which regularly carries out questionable drone strikes in several sovereign nations has reaffirmed its commitment to owning nuclear weapons.

"I think if America was trying to be oppressive in any way they would hide their weapons away and out of sight," explained Yemeni national Aaban Abad, "but instead they take them on world tours on big aircraft carriers, showing them off. I think it's their way of saying 'look, don't listen to all that nonsense, here are our weapons you are free to have a look'".

Robot

Going Postal, by JoyCamp - Official Trailer

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© Joy Camp
Thanks for watching and subscribing! This is the opening video of a much larger piece - more coming soon!

Going Postal is about a disgruntled mailman who confronts the impending future as Amazon's drone delivery service takes over his route, and his life...


Donut

Jon Stewart slams Big Food for 'Death menu of artificial chemicals, antibiotics and cool ranch carcinogens'

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© alternet
"Making food slightly less bad for you craze is spreading," according to Jon Stewart in his "the Snacks of Life" segment on The Daily Show.

From sharing the announcement by McDonalds that it will only buy chicken raised without antibiotics within the next two years to Dunkin' Donuts eliminating the chemical that gives its powered donuts that bright, white look, Stewart hammers Big Food for turning our "food supply into an addictive, fattening, death menu of artificial chemicals, antibiotics and cool ranch carcinogens." He also exposes the new "KIDS eat right" label that Kraft is helping to financially support via the not so academy of Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

Cupcake Pink

Scientists discover eating serves function other than easing anxiety

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the biological underpinnings behind the behavior, scientists at Brown University announced Tuesday that eating appears to serve a number of key functions besides relieving anxiety. "While a considerable portion of food is indeed ingested in order to distract an individual from feelings of panic and insecurity, our research shows that eating actually confers several benefits beyond temporarily holding despair at bay," said Dr. Sandra Lutkin, who explained that consuming food has been found to provide vital nutrients to the human body and in many cases replenish it with energy, suggesting that its primary purpose may not be as a coping mechanism at all.

Fish

It was THAT big! Scottish fisherman nets Russian submarine after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea

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Angus MacLeod (pictured) a fishing boat skipper, has lodged an incident report with the Maritime and Coastguard Agency and the Marine Accident Investigation Branch following the unusual occurence.
A fisherman told last night about the one that got away - a suspected Russian submarine which became entangled in his nets after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea.

Angus Macleod, 46, was fishing for haddock and skate when he became convinced that a hostile vessel was caught up below his boat Aquarius.

The submarine attempted to free itself, taking the 65ft vessel and his two-ton catch with it.

Comment: Everything now-a-days is Moscow's fault.


Arrow Down

Lunatic wins election

© Reuters
An absolute fucking lunatic has won an election today in Israel, keeping him in the role as Prime Minister of the middle-eastern country.

Benjamin Netanyahu, who ordered the bombings of thousands of innocent men, women and children since taking office, secured victory in the Israeli election after a last-minute push to shore up his party's vote enabled him to close the gap with the opposition Zionist Union and put him back on track to be re-elected.

While vowing to continue the country's eradication of Palestine, the complete mad man had bombarded the Israeli media for the past few weeks in an intense campaign, which fear-mongered citizens into believing that Israel's security would be put at risk if voters put social and economic issues ahead of their country's survival.

"You will all die if you don't re-elect me," he told viewers on nine different TV stations. "Concentration camps. Holocaust. Arabs. Nuclear bombs. Iran. Jews dead. Boom! Capiche?" Netanyahu added while shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of 'need I say more'.

The lunatic's party narrowly won the election in what was almost a dead heat, despite openly accusing 'Arab voters' of trying to sabotage his campaign by voting democratically against him 'on purpose'.

"I would advise the Arab community in Israel to stop voting against me," Netanyahu said on his Facebook page. "As I am Jewish, this can be classed as antisemitic behaviour and you could go to prison for such an attack on our democracy and people".

Shortly after being reelected, the Israeli prime minister requested another four billion dollars worth of military hardware from the United States for 'defence purposes', and ordered his army to reclaim some more land from the Palestinian people to celebrate.

USA

US Congress's approval rating no longer detectable by current technology

© Michael Reynolds/EPA/LANDOV
Washington - After a challenging week for the legislative body, the approval rating of the United States Congress has shrunk to a point where it is no longer detectable by the technology currently available, a leading pollster said on Friday.

Davis Logsdon, who heads the highly regarded Opinion Research Institute at the University of Minnesota, said that his polling unit has developed highly sensitive measurement technology in recent years to gauge Congress's popularity as it fell into the single digits, but added that "as of this week, Congress is basically flatlining."

"At the beginning of the week, you could still see a slight flicker of approval for Congress," he said. "Then—bam!—the lights went out."

Logsdon said, however, that people should resist drawing the conclusion that Congress's approval rating now stands at zero. "They may have support in the range of .0001 per cent or, say, .0000001 per cent," he said. "Our equipment just isn't advanced enough to measure it."

Logsdon said that the swift descent of Congress's approval rating below detectable levels has surprised experts in the polling profession. "A couple of years ago, when they shut down the government, I wondered, What could they possibly do to become less popular than this?" the pollster said.
"Now we know."