Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Alleged Florida gang member attempts to flee police due to aversion to 'weird' white people

A wonderfully quotable Florida gang member who tried to run from a cop after being found with marijuana explained that, "I don't like white people touching me, white people do weird stuff."

Officer Joseph May was at a Clearwater gas station early Tuesday morning when he was approached by Taurus Jabriel Brown, whom the cop recognized as "a gang member from the community I work in," according to a police report.

Brown, 19, told May that he "would like to be a police officer one day." The teen then shook hands with the cop, who noticed a marijuana blunt tucked behind Brown's ear.

"Is this weed?" May asked. "How stupid are you?"

After being asked to place his hands behind his back, Brown reportedly "tensed, pulled away, and attempted to run out of the front door." He did not get far, thanks to a takedown move executed by the Clearwater Police Department patrolman.

"Damn, man, all this for weed. Wow, bro, you must want to make an arrest," said Brown, who added, "I'll plead guilty, I'll go to court and plead guilty, please don't take me to jail. Can you tell the judge I plead guilty?"

When Officer May asked Brown why he tried to flee, the teen replied, "I don't like white people touching me, white people do weird stuff."


Still no sign of beheading infidels and raping girls bit in world's oldest Koran

Experts researching an old manuscript of the Koran that was found buried away in a Birmingham library said they still haven't found the bit about beheading infidels and raping young girls.

Scholars have claimed that the ancient artefact could prove that such acts may not be Islamic and that recent atrocities carried out by groups such as ISIS and the Taliban may actually be illegal under the good book's law.

"We've been here for weeks searching this beautiful manuscript and there is nothing in any of the scripts relating to harming other people, regardless of their beliefs," said Professor of Christianity and Islam, David Thomas, of the University of Birmingham.

"In fact, the only thing close to it is in passage 5:33, it reads: 'the taking of one innocent life is like taking all of Mankind... and the saving of one life is like saving all of Mankind'. Which is totally contradictory to what is being done in many Middle East countries."

Recent carbon dating revealed last month that the script etched on animal skin was at least 1,370 years old, potentially making it the oldest partial copy of the Koran in the world.

"Yeah, it would be safe to say this copy would be as close to the original as possible so I don't know where they're getting the beheadings and raping bit from," concluded Prof. Thomas. "It's like someone just made it up to benefit their own thirst for greed and violence; much like the Vatican did over the years, but not as bad. No one is that bad".


Wag the dog: Kentucky dog mayor making plans for presidential run

Lucy Lou, the dog mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky is set to retire Labor Day weekend - but not from politics. Her owner and chief of staff said the border collie is expected to announce a bid for the presidency.

Bobbi Kayser, Lucy's owner, told The Kentucky Enquirer that after serving for seven years, the dog will retire as mayor on September 5 and announce her political ambitions for the White House

"Somebody up the road decided most politicians are dogs anyway," Kayser told the Enquirer. "Why not put a real dog in office?"

Comment: Barking mad or what. The US Presidential race really is descending into farce. The Donald, McCubbins, Deez Nuts and now Lucy Lou.....

Arrow Down

Nation with crumbling bridges and roads excited to build giant wall

© Matt York/Associated Press
Washington — As America's bridges, roads, and other infrastructure dangerously deteriorate from decades of neglect, there is a mounting sense of urgency that it is time to build a giant wall.

Across the U.S., whose rail system is a rickety antique plagued by deadly accidents, Americans are increasingly recognizing that building a wall with Mexico, and possibly another one with Canada, should be the country's top priority.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a Washington-based think tank called the Center for Responsible Immigration, believes that most Americans favor the building of border walls over extravagant pet projects like structurally sound freeway overpasses.

"The estimated cost of a border wall with Mexico is five billion dollars," he said. "We could easily blow the same amount of money on infrastructure repairs and have nothing to show for it but functioning highways."

Congress has dragged its feet on infrastructure spending in recent years, but Dorrinson senses growing support in Washington for building a giant border wall. "Even if for some reason we don't get the Mexicans to pay for it, five billion is a steal," he said.

While some think that America's declining infrastructure is a national-security threat, Dorrinson strongly disagrees. "If immigrants somehow get over the wall, the condition of our bridges and roads will keep them from getting very far," he said.

Magic Wand

The official trailer for Dismaland, Banksy's "Bemusement Park"



Earlier this month, graffiti artist Banksy announced the opening of Dismaland, a limited-run "bemusement park" that turns the cheery magic of Disneyland into a grim and ramshackle dystopia. Now the park has released an official trailer, and it's a fun watch that comically hews to the template of promotional vacation videos.

The send-up starts, naturally, with an unhappy family of four, who decide to escape suburban ennui by piling into the minivan and driving to Weston-super-Mare, England, where "the happiest place on Earth" awaits. Needless to say, something a tad different is in store, but at least the kids have a good time.

Mr. Potato

A disappointed Yellowstone visitor left a comment card asking the park to 'train your bears to be where guests can see them'

Visitors to Yellowstone National Park obviously want to see wildlife, and the odds of spotting a crowd-favorite bear are "not too bad," according to the park's website, which notes that "visitors reported more than 40,000 bear sightings between 1980 and 2011."

One guest, however, is feeling left out of all that fun. On what appears to be a legitimate comment card from Xanterra Parks and Resorts, a Reddit user reported receiving this feedback:

"Our visit was wonderful but we never saw any bears," the unnamed guest complains. "Please train your bears to be where guests can see them. This was an expensive trip to not get to see bears."

Earlier this year, a grizzly was involved in the first fatal attack inside the park since 2011. That's due, in part, to the fact that Yellowstone National Park is not a zoo — and has no trained bears.


Donald Trump's face stuns woman who finds it in her tub of butter

© Jan Castellano
Can't believe it's not Donald Trump in a new carton of spread
When you open up some spread for your morning toast, the last thing you expect to see is the possible future leader of the free world

The face of Donald Trump can be seen everywhere at the moment - on American TV, in newspapers, online, and more.

So it makes sense that the entrepreneur's familiar visage would be turning up in foodstuffs.

The GOP presidential hopeful was spotted by Jan Castellano of Wildwood, Missouri.


Nation needs cheaper way to find worst people

© Scott Olson/Getty
Minneapolis — With U.S. Presidential elections now costing more than five billion dollars, there must be a cheaper way to find the worst people in the country, experts believe.

According to Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota, the United States could use current technology to find the nation's most reprehensible people at a fraction of the five-billion-dollar price tag.

"Any search for the worst people in the country should logically begin one place: on Twitter," said Logsdon, who recommends scouring the social network for users who consistently show signs of narcissistic-personality disorder, poor impulse control, and other traits common to odious people.


Roll over grizzly! Bear spotted tumbling childlike down a hill

© Mathieu Belanger / Reuters
Obviously tired of tramping the green hills of the Denali National Park, a young grizzly employs an unusual method of locomotion: it rolls downhill sideways and appears to be thoroughly enjoying itself.

A group of tourists recorded the video in one of America's most renowned natural reserves.

Maybe bears like rolling down hills as children do and then enjoy the dizzy sensation of not being able to quite stand up straight. Or maybe bears just like seeing the world go round and round.

Anyway, the grizzly rolls faster and faster as it proceeds down the hill.


Hilarious! Bad Lip Reading does the First Republican Debate

Sometimes Bad Lip Reading is funny because they transform something that makes sense into a garbled mess of nonsense. But what do you do when you already have a platform full of blathering idiots speaking gibberish? Watch this translation of the First Republican Debate to see what the candidates really had on their mind.