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Climate science in chaos due to shortage of scary synonyms

Climate Science
© The People's Cube
Experts in the world's only settled science are up in arms today as a blunder committed by a staunch ally threatens their efforts to raise taxes and save the planet.

On a recent visit to Washington DC, French foreign minister Laurent Fabius told President Obama and Secretary of Climate John Kerry, "we have 500 days to avoid climate chaos." The remarks came less than a week after the White House released its 829 page National Climate Assessment which introduced the term "climate disruption."

"That French cretin wasn't supposed to use 'climate chaos' yet!" screamed a government-funded climate scientist at a leading research facility, as he was polishing his hockey stick. "We just started using 'climate disruption' last week and hadn't even come close to getting all the money and regulations we wanted from it yet. Dammit!"

His colleague, a computer scientist, who was busy cooking fudge to mix with temperature data, concurred: "Fabius ruined our best new synonym by springing it far too early. The only good one we have left to use is 'catastrophe.' Good synonyms don't grow on trees, you know. Thanks to morons like him, nothing else will either!"
Penis Pump

Manly Obama pictures released to counter shirtless Putin

obama manly1
In order to help toughen President Obama's image on the international arena, the White House released photographs of a shirtless, muscular U.S. President engaged in various manly activities. Barack Obama appears in these pictures playing golf, riding his daughter's bicycle, throwing a baseball, and negotiating with Russian President Putin, who seems dismayed by the U.S. President's superior physique.

The White House stated that previously released pictures of shirtless Vladimir Putin riding a horse or holding a rifle are no match to the new masculine image projected by Barack Obama in these photos, which until now had been kept from the public due to the U.S. President's famously humble disposition.

America's progressive satirists and Photoshop jockeys are now expected to use these pictures in creating a new series of viral "Obama vs. Putin" infographics, to counter the existing pictorial comparisons portraying the U.S. president as an emasculated lightweight.
People 2

How the other half lives: Mother's Day event in China lets men experience pain of childbirth

men labor pains
© Liu Zhankun/ChinaNews
Of all the Mother's Day events this year, I think this one was the most befitting - putting men through the pain of childbirth. A local TV station in Nanchang City, in south China's Jiangxi province, had about 20 men volunteering to put themselves through the excruciating pain of labor . They were hooked up to a special machine that simulated the pain using electric shocks. Needless to say, the men couldn't even last 30 seconds.

The theme of the TV show was to have men submit to the pains that women endure during childbirth. The challenge consisted of 10 levels of pain, with an agony scale ranging from 50 to 500. Electric shocks were sent into the abdomens of the male volunteers in order to achieve the desired effect. Predictably, the men were writhing in pain within seconds, begging to stop the experiment.

men labor pains
© Liu Zhankun/ChinaNews
Iain Inglis, a 31-year-old British singer who lives and works in China, was among the volunteers. He gave up as soon as the pain-o-meter hit the 100-mark. "It was too much for me," he said. "The pain was terrible!" Lee Hao, another volunteer, said: "This was incredible. I couldn't stand much of it at all. I understand now why my wife screamed for drugs when she was giving birth."

Only one man, Zhou Nan, was able to withstand the pain all the way up to the 500 mark. "I am the father of triplets and wanted to understand the great pain my wife experienced when she was giving birth," he said. "It was horrible. I have nothing but deep admiration for all mothers after this ordeal." According to the event organizer, "This can help people realize how great mothers are."
Smiley

Three years after Japan tsunami tore them apart, cat and owners reunited

Tsunami cat
© The Asahi Shimbun via Getty Images
A cat who disappeared during the devastating earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 has been reunited with his owners after more than three years, Japanese newspaper the Asahi Shimbun reports.

Suika, a black domestic shorthaired cat, was separated from his owners, Kazuko Yamagishi, 64, and her husband, Takeo, 67, on March 11, 2011. Although the couple, who live in the town of Ofunato, searched for Suika for three months, they eventually gave up hope and presumed he hadn't survived the disaster.

However, just last month someone noticed a cat curled up among the trees in a town about 10 miles from the Yamagishis' home and brought it to the Ofunato Health Center.
Handcuffs

NYC: Alec Baldwin arrested after riding bike wrong way on Fifth Avenue

© NYMag.com
There was new trouble for Alec Baldwin Tuesday, as police said the actor was arrested and issued two summonses when he acted belligerently toward two officers who had stopped him for riding his bike the wrong way down the street.

As CBS 2's Kathryn Brown reported, Baldwin returned to his Greenwich Village apartment pushing his bicycle Tuesday afternoon. It was the same bicycle that he was allegedly riding the wrong way down Fifth Avenue, at 16th Street, around 10:15 a.m.

Two officers stopped Baldwin after they spotted him riding his bike the wrong way against traffic near Union Square Park, police said.
When Baldwin could not hand over a photo ID, they handcuffed him, loaded him into the back of a patrol car, took him to the 13th Precinct station in Gramercy Park, and seized the bicycle.

Eddie Cacho said he saw it all. "He looked kind of disheveled and kind of annoyed. He was straddling his bike," Cacho said, "and as I was coming around the corner, I could see one of the female officers grabbing his arms and pulling the handcuffs on him."

Police said Baldwin was belligerent, mouthing off insults at the two female officers.
Magnify

Brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can't change what you are

Onion Revlon

Revlon executives say their products cannot conceal the horrors inside of you.
Asserting that makeup can do little beyond creating a fleeting illusion of youth and beauty, cosmetics giant Revlon launched a new series of ads this week aimed at reminding its customers they will never be able to change what they are.

The company's "You Are What You Are" campaign, which debuted with dark and haunting multi-page spreads in several major fashion magazines, cautions consumers that, at best, makeup is a sad disguise people hide behind in a futile attempt to avoid uncomfortable facts about their true nature.

"With our new ad campaign, we want to emphasize that you can buy all the lotions, powders, and fragrances you want, but you can't escape who you really are: a fragile, flawed, and ultimately insignificant being who is tormented by fear and insecurity," Revlon vice president Vivian Falk said in a press release introducing the advertisements. "It's fine to use our products if they make you feel a little more attractive, but just remember it's only a temporary distraction from the terrifying reality of your barren, unfulfilling life."

"Your existence is a dismal and feeble one, and no amount of mascara is ever going to change that," Falk added.

According to Revlon officials, the new campaign will include a mix of ruthlessly honest television spots, glossy print ads, and in-store promotions that encourage women to resign themselves to the bleak nature of their own humanity. In addition, billboards in major cities across America will reportedly feature images of a woman applying lipstick alongside the Revlon logo and a bold-faced slogan that simply reads, "You are living a lie."
Dollars

Let's all pitch in to help Obama start World War 3!

President Obama needs your help starting World War III! Find out how you can help!

Die

The important questions in life! Scientists find a winning strategy for rock-paper-scissors

Rock, paper, scissors
© Dan Sumption
Scissors cuts paper.
A group of researchers from Chinese universities have written a paper about the role of psychology in winning (or losing) at rock-paper-scissors. After studying how players change or keep their strategies during multiple-round sessions, they figured out a basic rule that people tend to play by that could potentially be exploited.

The researchers took 360 students, broke them into groups of six, and had them play 300 rounds of rock-paper-scissors in random pairings. The students received small amounts of money each time they won a round. As they played, the researchers observed how the players rotated through the three play options as they won or lost.

What they found was that "if a player wins over her opponent in one play, her probability of repeating the same action in the next play is considerably higher than her probabilities of shifting actions." If a player has lost two or more times, she is likely to shift her play, and more likely to shift to the play that will beat the one that has just beaten her than the same one her opponent just used to beat her. For instance, if Megan loses by playing scissors to Casey's rock, Megan is most likely to switch to paper, which would beat Casey's rock. Per the research, this is a sound strategy, since Casey is likely to keep playing the hand that has been winning. The authors refer to this as the "win-stay, lose-shift" strategy.
Gingerbread

The Irony! Over 100 sick after attending food safety conference

Health officials are investigating what may have sickened over 100 people who attended a conference where more than 1,300 food safety experts had gathered.

No one at the Food Safety Summit held April 8-10 in Baltimore was hospitalized, according to health officials, and most people reported cases of diarrhea.

Alvina K. Chu, who is leading the Maryland Department of Health's investigation, said Tuesday that officials haven't yet determined what caused people to get sick. It's not yet clear if the illness was transmitted by food or from person to person, she said.
Wolf

You want it? You got it. Prosecutors demanded statement from this officer, so he gave them one

Although arrests and trials often get the majority of the headlines, a lot of work is done in between those two things. Because it is usually pretty tedious and paperwork-related, it often flies under the radar.

Recently, a prosecutor's office working on a particular incident realized that they needed a statement from Officer PC Peach. They repeatedly requested the necessary paperwork, only to get ignored each time.

Finally, after repeated attempts and people on both sides getting frustrated, they got their statement:
police dog statement
Yup, you guessed it - Officer PC Peach is a dog. His department kept insisting that Officer PC Peach could not provide a statement, and the prosecutor's office kept requesting one anyway.

Are you ready for the really silly part? According to Metro, investigators are now looking into the incident because a false report was filed. Yikes.
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