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Sun, 14 Feb 2016
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Cell Phone

Not so smart: Rise of smartphone injuries

© ebuyer.com
It's a bugbear for many: seeing a person so glued to their phone they are oblivious to the world around them.

Now, research has shown these people may be putting themselves at risk of injury.

And this number rose to 84 per cent among 16 to 24-year-olds. Around 41 per cent of people say they have had a technology-related mishap, according to new figures collated for Accident Awareness Week.

The figures reveal 13 per cent of people have walked into someone or something while checking their mobile phone, with the figure rising to 43 per cent for younger generations.

And the problems don't only occur only when people are walking around.

Some 60 per cent of young people have managed to drop their phone on their face while reading lying down.


Big pharma invents new mental disorder

© Reuters
Pfizer Corp. announced its introduction and cure of a widespread new mental disorder today.

Characterized by periodic feelings ranging from uncertainty to anxiety relating specifically to the individual's mental health, Transient Borderline Dysmorphic Personality Disorder, or TBDP, could affect some 70% of the population, according to the company's findings.

"The otherwise healthy subject will occasionally find him or herself wondering if there is something wrong with them - in particular if they are suffering from a mental disorder such as depression, a personality or anxiety disorder, or some other type of mental condition," Pfizer spokesman Tyler Byrd described.

Though its causes remain undefined, Byrd emphasizes that this lack of understanding doesn't make TBDP any less serious.

"The fact is, if you think there might be something wrong with you, there already is," he said. "Our studies have shown that many people diagnosed with TBDP also show symptoms of temporary mood swings, irritability, mild to moderate weight gain or loss, transitory self doubt and lethargy."

Fortunately for TBDP sufferers, Pfizer also announced today having received FDA approval for the distribution of Placevilor, a new drug shown to be highly effective at treating the disorder.

Clinical trials of Placevilor have shown side effects that include dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, anxiety, mild to severe mood swings, weight gain, kidney damage, cardiomyopathy, strokes, depression, and suicidal thoughts or actions.


Burgers for everyone, inspired by presidential candidates

A restaurant in Colorado has unveiled a Trump Burger, topped with two bacon-wrapped cream-cheese-filled jalapeno poppers. (Their idea is that it's so spicy, it leads people who eat it to say, "You're Fired!")

I think I can do a little better. So I came up with a whole menu of burgers inspired by each of the presidential candidates...


Study finds regular, controlled Washington D.C. wildfires crucial for restoring a healthy political environment

Calling the process essential to preventing overgrowth and promoting renewal, a study released Tuesday by researchers at American University found that regular, controlled Washington, D.C. wildfires are crucial to the restoration of a healthy political environment.

"Periodic blazes that destroy sections of the Beltway region are a natural part of the political cycle and play a key role in maintaining democratic balance," read the study in part, which explained that occasional wildfires of mild to moderate intensity are the most important and effective mechanism for clearing out old federal agencies so that new ones can take their place and flourish.

"Although such fires are often considered a hazard, without them government would quickly become dense, overrun, and impenetrable, stifling political diversity and inhibiting the germination of new ideas. In fact, had the Great Washington Fire of 1964 not provided them with room to grow, the Departments of Transportation and Housing and Urban Development would never have been able to take root and thrive."

The study concluded that attempts to suppress the wildfires would likely only lead to the occurrence of far more powerful blazes in the future capable of causing significant, permanent damage to the government's branches.

Cell Phone

Anti-selfie pills hit the shelves to cure 'sick to death of selfies' ailments

© AP Photo/ Mal Fairclough
You know selfies are no longer cool when world leaders get involved - #davidcameron #obama #hellethorningschmid - but still, social media streams remain dominated by them.

Here's my looking #sexy #selfie and here's my looking #sad #selfie. Here's my #pouting #selfie, here's me, here's me, here's me... you get the idea.


Deceased mother wishes son would seance more often

The restless spirit of a deceased Brisbane mother reports from the other side that it would be nice if her son conducted more seances and kept in touch a bit more often.

"He doesn't need to hold a seance every day but once a week would be sweet, just so I know what the kids are up to and that he's happy and eating well," reported the ethereal soul of deceased mother Mavis Chook via a ouija board. "I know he's been very busy at work and the break up of his marriage has been hard on him... well I imagine it's been hard on him because he hasn't found the time to link hands around a table with a bunch of friends and summon me back into the material world to talk about it. I have to find these things out from his sister."


Satire: Two pigs dressed as a doctor the source of bacon cancer study

© thismanskitchen.wordpress.com
The World Health Organisation has retracted a study that revealed a connection between bowel cancer and bacon after an alert staff member discovered that the doctor presenting the results was actually two pigs dressed up in a long white lab coat.

"The presentation he gave was certainly impressive with lots of graphs and pie charts," said Dr Hermione Trotter, head of ontological research at WHO. "No-one questioned his credentials because he had a stethoscope around his neck. We were on the verge of recommending a world wide ban on bacon and sausages when one of our secretaries noticed something out of the ordinary."



Mind warp power! Former UK Councilor stops the Illuminati from using the Large Hadron Collider to destroy us all

Here's a headline you just can't make up. (Or, at least, we didn't.)

Former UK Town Councilor Simon Parkes is claiming that he thwarted an evil plan to use the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's most powerful particle accelerator, at CERN to destroy all life on the planet. The nefarious plot was cooked up by, you guessed it, the Illuminati.


New WHO study: Consumption of 'Super-food' kale can cause extreme arrogance

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has released a new report today warning that consumption of the 'super-food' kale over a period of time can lead consumers to have heightened levels of arrogance.

The study was conducted in several cafes in Sydney's beach-side suburb of Bondi and also its inner-city suburb of Newton where kale consumption is almost at epidemic levels.

A spokesperson for the WHO told The (un)Australian: "These findings though alarming are not surprising, I mean we've all been at a dinner party and had to endure the whining of a vegetarian or worse a vegan, talking about how superior they are to us carnivores.

"Until recently they merely whined, now with the introduction of kale and to a lesser extent quinoa their whining is now more boastful and confrontational."

Minister for Agriculture Barnaby Joyce is currently considering legislation to confront the kale epidemic and has not ruled out making the consumption of red meat compulsory for all Australians.

Upon hearing of the news of compulsory red meat consumption, a number of petitions appeared on the website change.org calling for kale to replace the Australian flag.


Dia de los Muertos, Celebrating the Day of the Dead

© www.wikiart.org

The Day of the Dead - Diego Rivera
Series in which food writer and presenter Stefan Gates immerses himself in some of the most extraordinary feasts and festivals on earth. By joining ordinary people in these strange and wonderful distillations of their culture and beliefs, he hopes to gain a revelatory insight into how the world thinks and feels.

Stefan goes on a wild emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride, starting with a teenage girl's bizarre coming-of-age ceremony and ending with the Day of the Dead, a cacophonous cross-cultural festival of the senses during which Mexicans truly believe that their loved ones come back from the dead for three days every year to spend the day with them.

In Oaxaca, he is dressed up as a dead woman and made to dance like a lunatic at the head of a procession as it makes its way through town. He is turned into an emotional wreck at the moment the dead return, bursting into tears as Dias de los Muertos makes him experience grief and loss for the first time.

But then in the next breath, the family Stefan is living with teach him to celebrate and laugh at death. They turn his views on their head, allowing him to embrace and conquer his fear of death through an extraordinary sensual onslaught of food, flowers, songs and smells. The sight of the graveyards overflowing with flowers and mescal-drinking revellers is a truly life-changing experience.

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