Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


US nation just hoping next President can prevent country's decline from being totally humiliating

Over 90 percent of registered voters say the next administration’s top priority should be minimizing the country’s collective embarrassment as the U.S. backslides into mediocrity.
WASHINGTON—As momentum builds toward the 2016 election, citizens across the nation told reporters this week they simply hope the next president of the United States can prevent the country's decline from being an utterly humiliating experience for the American public.

Rather than discussing policy issues they feel strongly about, U.S. voters spoke instead of their desire to just put someone in the White House capable of getting America through the next four years of increased income inequality, environmental degradation, and catastrophic international entanglements with some shred of its dignity intact.

"This time around, I'm really only asking for a president who can keep us from embarrassing ourselves any more than we already have as our country continues sliding backward," said 36-year-old Cleveland resident Michael Shapiro, adding that he will throw his full support behind any candidate who demonstrates a clear vision for navigating the country through its unavoidable downfall with as much self-respect as can be mustered. "We need a leader who will help us bow out as gracefully as possible, so we can just transfer the reins to China or whoever without making a huge deal about it."

"We're already kind of a global laughingstock when it comes to things like health care, education, and our middle class," he continued. "So if whoever's in charge could just make sure we hold on to, say, our basic housing infrastructure and relatively clean water supply during our tailspin, that'd be great."

Cell Phone

Trapped ducklings waddle to iPhone duck-call ringtone used by Louisiana firemen

© Julie Habel/Corbis
The six ducklings were reunited with their mom.
The St Tammany fire department in Slidell, Louisiana, has a new specialty: saving ducks. On Saturday, its firefighters rescued six ducklings trapped in a storm drain - by using a duck-call ringtone.

"A neighbor reported seeing a number of baby ducks fall into a storm drain," the fire department said in a statement posted on its Facebook page. "Upon arriving on the scene, firefighters verified that several baby mallard ducks were trapped in the storm drain. Firefighters removed the top cover of the drain to gain access to the ducks.

"Firefighter Cody Knecht got down in the drain to try and capture the ducks. Captain Chuck Davis, fire operator Jason Theriot, and fire prevention officer Billy Dekemel assisted from above. With the help of a duck-call ringtone on his iPhone, firefighter Knecht was able to lure the baby ducks to him. It took about an hour and a half to rescue four of the six baby ducks."

After giving the rescued ducks a chance to calm down at the fire station, the crew returned to rescue the other two ducklings. The birds were then reunited with their mother in the canal behind the home where the incident took place.


The best dog trick ever?

This dog might know the best trick ever.

When you see what Baron the German shepherd can do, you'll want him to come over to show your dog how it's done.


Huge eagle owl nails landing on Dutch woman's head

© YouTube screengrab
An eagle owl lands on the head of a Dutch woman.
A friendly and precise Eurasian Eagle-owl is catching the fancy of bird lovers in the Netherlands as it routinely lands on people's heads.

The owl was first filmed landing on the head of Marianne in Noordeinde. Her husband captured the whole event, with the huge owl swooping down on her.

Marianne had the foresight to put up her hood and the owl perched on her head for about 30 seconds before flying off.

From the couple's YouTube page: "Tonight I went to the Eagle Owl in Noordeinde while shooting landed the Eagle Owl with Marianne on the head. The dear animal is totally not aggressive and it was a super experience for Marianne as an animal lover."


Film shows why you should NEVER give a monkey the middle finger


Attack: Man learns the hard way why you should never stick a middle finger up at a monkey

The vengeful primate is clearly ruffled by the rude gesture as it pounces on the man and knocks him to the floor with a swift dropkick to the face

Ever wondered what would happen if you showed a monkey the middle finger?

Surely, they wouldn't understand the sentiment behind the gesture, right? Wrong.

And this clip shows how one man had to learn that lesson the hard way.

In the footage, the pedestrian is walking past the monkey when he appears to stick up his middle finger.

But the creature isn't about to take that sort of insult lying down and jumps down from the fence onto the man's face.


Colorado man 'kills his computer' after a bad day


No!! I didn't say freeze!!
A Colorado man was pushed to his limit, took his computer into the back alley and fired eight shots into the PC with a 9-mm pistol.

Lucas Hinch, 37, admitted to being fully aware of his actions.

"It was premeditated, oh, definitely," Hinch told the Los Angeles Times. "I made sure there wasn't anything behind it and nothing to ricochet."

Before going full "Office Space" on his computer, Lt. Jeff Strossner of Colorado Springs Police Department said "He got tired of fighting with his computer for the last several months."

Hinch is completely comfortable with his life decision.

"It was glorious," he said. "Angels sung on high."

The computer is not expected to recover. There is no law on the books regarding machine homicide
but Hinch was charged with discharging a firearm within city limits.


2 dogs appear to take owner's car for a joyride in Yarmouth, Canada

© Edward d'Entrement
One dog was in the driver's seat and the other was in the passenger's seat, making what looked like a getaway from the animal hospital in Yarmouth.
Some onlookers in Yarmouth were treated to an unusual sight last week after two dogs took their owner's car on a short lived joyride.

Harry d'Entrement and his friend, Edward d'Entrement, went for a coffee run on Friday morning and while they were driving on Parade Street, a car started to pull out of the animal hospital parking lot.

Harry d'Entrement said something didn't look right.

"At a glance, I thought it was a couple of old ladies driving a little car," he said Monday.

As the car got closer, he couldn't believe his eyes.

"I was kind of speechless. I couldn't make sense of what I was seeing," he said.

It turned out, the drivers were dogs. One was in the driver's seat and the other was in the passenger's seat, making what looked like a getaway from the animal hospital.


Mutual aid: Raccoon rides a boar to get to corn feeder


A raccoon was pictured on the back of a boar
It looks like something out of a Disney movie, but this picture of a raccoon riding a boar is completely legit.

The incredible picture was snapped by an automatic camera close to a corn feeder and is believed to have been taken in Texas.

After it emerged online, some commenters speculated that the raccoon was hopping on the back to reach the feeder - so both animals could feast.

One said: "The animals go to eat the corn that is dropped from the feeder twice a day, and the camera snaps a picture.

"Probably, the boar and the raccoon found themselves at the feeder every day waiting for the corn to come out.


Firefighters discover parrots calling for help in burning Boise home

The parrots were given oxygen after being rescued from a house fire.
Firefighters said they heard calls of "Help!" and "Fire!" before rushing in to save what they thought would be human beings.

Firefighters responding to screams for assistance in a burning Idaho home said they thought they were saving people but instead rescued a group of parrots.

Emergency crews first heard the pleas for help as they approached the outside of the residence in Boise.

"What was actually recorded was them saying 'fire, fire,' " Victor Islas with the Middleton Fire Department told KBOI. "That's what we got. 'Help. Fire.' Yeah. It's a smart bird, smart bird. So there was actually nobody besides the birds inside the house."

The birds were removed and given oxygen. The cause of the fire is under investigation.

Evil Rays

Taking selfies after an EMP attack

Lifestyle magazine Balon has written a revealing guide on how to take selfies even after an Electro Magnetic Pulse (EMP) attack.

An EMP attack by a rogue nation on the continental United States or Europe, or a solar flare would fry electronics from coast to coast, and electricity grids would be irreparable.

No computers, smartphones, banks or commerce would work. There would be no essential services, no water or food left in supermarkets. All vehicles apart from the horse and cart would be operational.

Selfies are a large part of modern life and the magazine suggests a vital solution to getting that all important narcissistic fix that dominates peoples' lives so much.

"First you would have to forget about feeding yourself or your family. Forget about finding fresh water or shelter. You need to take a selfie, and we're going to show you how this can be done with no smartphone, because the electronics got fried by the EMP blast.

"The only things you will need for this selfie is a piece of paper, a mirror and a pen.

"Hold the mirror up or lean it against an object, then take the pen and start to draw a picture of yourself on the paper. Et voila, you now have a selfie. You can take as long or little time on the selfie as you want, but make sure to make lots of copies to share amongst your friends, if they are still alive.

"You can even make a selfie stick yourself. Simply get a branch or stick and tie the mirror to the stick, then extend it making sure you get a good angle of yourself.

"If you are near a museum, you could always break in and find a 19th century camera, then put it on a stick, extending will be hard as they are such big cameras and each shot has to be posed for long periods of time. The only drawback is you won't be able to process the selfie because it will be hard to find the necessary chemicals. Better stick with the first selfie suggestion."

Next week: How to Share on Facebook After an EMP

Comment: Forget the fear mongering narrative in the video.The real threat is not from 'over there' it is from 'out there' - incoming celestial bodies - comets, meteor/fireballs; and the electromagnetic pulse (EMP) which they generate.

Pierre Lescaudron discusses this in Earth Changes and the Human-Cosmic Connection:
Unlike conventional missiles, cometary bodies, because of their electric activity, have a strong electromagnetic signature that can trigger lightning bolts between incoming asteroids and the Earth's surface, which can fry electrical devices over a wide area. One naturally wonders if this is related to the media frequently reporting , since around 2008, the development of electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapons by the USA, Israel, China, South Korea, and the convenient suspect, Iran. The source mentioning the development of Iranian EMP weapons specifically states the following:

An EMP is an above-atmosphere level detonation of a nuclear device that produces enough radiation to wreak havoc with electrical systems.

Because of the protection provided by our atmosphere, an overhead cometary explosion is a far more probable event than a direct impact and could easily be mistaken for an 'above-atmosphere detonation'. And the EMP generated by such an explosion could, of course, be blamed on the 'Iranian EMP missiles'.
Victor Clube wrote, perhaps prophetically, in The Hazard to Civilization from Fireballs and Comets:
History, it now seems is repeating itself: it has taken the Space Age to revive the Platonist voice of reason but it emerges this time within a modern anti-fundamentalist, anti-apocalyptic tradition over which governments may, as before, be unable to exercise control....Cynics (or modern sophists), in other words, would say that we do not need the celestial threat to disguise Cold War intentions; rather we need the Cold War to disguise celestial intentions! [Emphasis in the original]