Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Magic Wand

Stephen Colbert satire: Pope Francis, Jesus, and God are foreigners, socialists

© Rawstory
On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert began by reminding his audience that he's the nation's more prominent Catholic. "My faith is so strong," he said, "doctors have actually called it a Messiah complex."

"I'm also America's foremost capitalist," he continued. "I love the Invisible Hand of the market so much, I let it get to third base." Which is why he was disturbed to learn that Pope Francis had called capitalism "a new tyranny" predicated on "the idolatry of money."

"I would never worship money," Colbert argued. "The dollar isn't worth the paper it's printed on. That's why I've invested everything in golden calf futures."

"But as a Catholic," he said, "I try to give the Pope the benefit of the doubt, as does Bill O'Reilly."

Amazing coincidence! Missing pigeon 'homes' in on family member

missing pigeon
© Eliza Wiley/ Independent Record
Krys Holmes holds Foresta, her daughter's pet pigeon, after it caused a bit of chaos at Central School when it flew into town to find her owner.
Central-Linc Elementary School Principal Vanessa Nasset and teacher Rob Freistadt were walking outside their school Wednesday when the two were attacked by a pigeon.

"I hear this bird flapping its wings behind us. I start screaming and it lands on Rob's head," the principal said.

When the pigeon wouldn't budge, Nasset knew something strange was happening. But they had no idea the bird was the missing pet of one of the elementary school's students, or that it had apparently flown 15 miles to get there, despite having never visited Helena before.

So you think RT is an organ of Kremlin propaganda? Watch this!

Juice News: Crimea - media war games (ft. Abby Martin)

Join Robert Foster, caught squarely in the crossfire as he attempts to navigate the salvos, and find some underlying truth.

It's Mutually-Assured Mass-Media Destruction: Crimedia Wars - and the stakes are high - who will win the War of Perception? It's Juice Rap News, in the thick of it, as usual... Hysteria Is Happening.


Goat reunited with donkey best friend at animal sanctuary

It sounds like the plot of a Disney cartoon.

A depressed goat at an animal sanctuary in California went on hunger strike for six days until he was reunited with its best friend - a donkey.

Mr. G, the goat, and Jellybean, the donkey, were separated after welfare officers in Southern California seized animals who were forced to live in atrocious conditions, according to KTVU. Despite being rescued at the same time, Mr. G and Jellybean were sent to different sanctuaries, much to the disgust of the goat.

Mr. G spent six days in the corner of his new pen at the Animal Place Rescue Ranch in Grass Valley and refused to eat anything. The 10-year-old goat was depressed.

Desperate to make him happier, the staff decided to track down Jellybean.
Gold Coins

6 hidden treasures that are still waiting to be found (maybe by you?)

If you've ever wanted to be a real-life Lara Croft or Indiana Jones, there are a few places you can start looking today.

With so many legends of lost riches out there, it's easy to think that treasure could be found just about anywhere. Consult a treasure seeking forum for just a few moments and you'll realize that even right now, sweet loot may be hiding somewhere just a short trip away.

It's impossible to know if a treasure legend is true until the riches are actually found, but below is a roundup of lost riches that actually seem worth hunting for. Continue on, treasure seekers, as the potential greatest finds of a generation are just below.

SATIRE: 'Inbred' Prince Charles behaves like Joffrey from Game Of Thrones, says Putin

© Getty

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin came back at comments made by Prince Charles earlier likening him to Hitler, stating that the monarch was behaving like Joffrey from Game Of Thrones.

Mr. Putin launched the scathing attack on the prince after he was reported to have told a woman how his Crimean actions were no different to the Nazi leaders in world war two.

"Who is this inbred to liken me to such a man." said the Russian leader earlier. "Isn't his father a Nazi lover? This is like a pot calling a kettle black. He is nothing more than a want to be child king, like Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Him and his manlike wife should stick to what they are good at -spending their kingdoms money."

Climate science in chaos due to shortage of scary synonyms

Climate Science
© The People's Cube
Experts in the world's only settled science are up in arms today as a blunder committed by a staunch ally threatens their efforts to raise taxes and save the planet.

On a recent visit to Washington DC, French foreign minister Laurent Fabius told President Obama and Secretary of Climate John Kerry, "we have 500 days to avoid climate chaos." The remarks came less than a week after the White House released its 829 page National Climate Assessment which introduced the term "climate disruption."

"That French cretin wasn't supposed to use 'climate chaos' yet!" screamed a government-funded climate scientist at a leading research facility, as he was polishing his hockey stick. "We just started using 'climate disruption' last week and hadn't even come close to getting all the money and regulations we wanted from it yet. Dammit!"

His colleague, a computer scientist, who was busy cooking fudge to mix with temperature data, concurred: "Fabius ruined our best new synonym by springing it far too early. The only good one we have left to use is 'catastrophe.' Good synonyms don't grow on trees, you know. Thanks to morons like him, nothing else will either!"
Penis Pump

Manly Obama pictures released to counter shirtless Putin

obama manly1
In order to help toughen President Obama's image on the international arena, the White House released photographs of a shirtless, muscular U.S. President engaged in various manly activities. Barack Obama appears in these pictures playing golf, riding his daughter's bicycle, throwing a baseball, and negotiating with Russian President Putin, who seems dismayed by the U.S. President's superior physique.

The White House stated that previously released pictures of shirtless Vladimir Putin riding a horse or holding a rifle are no match to the new masculine image projected by Barack Obama in these photos, which until now had been kept from the public due to the U.S. President's famously humble disposition.

America's progressive satirists and Photoshop jockeys are now expected to use these pictures in creating a new series of viral "Obama vs. Putin" infographics, to counter the existing pictorial comparisons portraying the U.S. president as an emasculated lightweight.
People 2

How the other half lives: Mother's Day event in China lets men experience pain of childbirth

men labor pains
© Liu Zhankun/ChinaNews
Of all the Mother's Day events this year, I think this one was the most befitting - putting men through the pain of childbirth. A local TV station in Nanchang City, in south China's Jiangxi province, had about 20 men volunteering to put themselves through the excruciating pain of labor . They were hooked up to a special machine that simulated the pain using electric shocks. Needless to say, the men couldn't even last 30 seconds.

The theme of the TV show was to have men submit to the pains that women endure during childbirth. The challenge consisted of 10 levels of pain, with an agony scale ranging from 50 to 500. Electric shocks were sent into the abdomens of the male volunteers in order to achieve the desired effect. Predictably, the men were writhing in pain within seconds, begging to stop the experiment.

men labor pains
© Liu Zhankun/ChinaNews
Iain Inglis, a 31-year-old British singer who lives and works in China, was among the volunteers. He gave up as soon as the pain-o-meter hit the 100-mark. "It was too much for me," he said. "The pain was terrible!" Lee Hao, another volunteer, said: "This was incredible. I couldn't stand much of it at all. I understand now why my wife screamed for drugs when she was giving birth."

Only one man, Zhou Nan, was able to withstand the pain all the way up to the 500 mark. "I am the father of triplets and wanted to understand the great pain my wife experienced when she was giving birth," he said. "It was horrible. I have nothing but deep admiration for all mothers after this ordeal." According to the event organizer, "This can help people realize how great mothers are."

Three years after Japan tsunami tore them apart, cat and owners reunited

Tsunami cat
© The Asahi Shimbun via Getty Images
A cat who disappeared during the devastating earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 has been reunited with his owners after more than three years, Japanese newspaper the Asahi Shimbun reports.

Suika, a black domestic shorthaired cat, was separated from his owners, Kazuko Yamagishi, 64, and her husband, Takeo, 67, on March 11, 2011. Although the couple, who live in the town of Ofunato, searched for Suika for three months, they eventually gave up hope and presumed he hadn't survived the disaster.

However, just last month someone noticed a cat curled up among the trees in a town about 10 miles from the Yamagishis' home and brought it to the Ofunato Health Center.