Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


World Cup Hangover: Brazilian government posts listings for 12 soccer stadiums on Craigslist

the Maracana Stadium, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (£300 million could have financed much needed local schools and hospitals!)
Listing the athletic facilities within two hours of the conclusion of the World Cup final, the Brazilian government has reportedly posted 12 separate advertisements for soccer stadiums on Craigslist, sources confirmed Wednesday.

"This is a great, gently used stadium that seats almost 40,000," read the post for Arena das Dunas, which featured three grainy photos of the locker room, pitch, and a concession stand, adding that prospective buyers could view the sporting arena, or any of its other 11 for-sale structures, in person by simply touring the unlocked facility on their own.

"This is perfect for soccer matches, conventions, and college graduations, and would go great with any of the northeast stadiums that are also available. All buyers must be willing to remove from site on their own. Serious inquiries only, please." At press time, the ad had reportedly been updated to state that Brazil would only be willing to sell the stadiums in one-to-one trades for schools and hospitals.

Prank with graffiti cans in Israel

Hilarious prank pulled at a bus stop in Israel with spray paint cans. Enjoy!


Jihadi 'bottom bombers' exposed and more news from the SOTT Satire Desk

jihadi bottom bombers
"Trust me, I really don't enjoy my work! But it is for your security. Ok, bend over."
Armed police were dispatched after reports of a 'serious disturbance' in a men's toilet at Heathrow airport last night, with two suspected terrorists detained for questioning. With the current 'emergency' at the Home Office (see below), the Foreign Secretary, William Hague, offered to personally take responsibility for the interrogation. He stated, "National security is my prime concern, and after recent warnings from our allies in American Intelligence pertaining to a new insidious terrorist threat to airlines, this case required 'delicate handling' and a 'sure touch'. Although he later admitted he could not find any hidden explosive material or WMD's (Weapons of Mass Deception), despite numerous searches, Mr Hague added, "The great British public understand that these new invasive security measures are necessary and 'wholly' justified."

Following their implementation in America, Westminster sources have confirmed that the controversial, 'rectal probing' security measures at British airports will be used "indefinitely" as part of the never ending "war against terror". The spokesman continued, "in our attempts to thwart these evil plots, we will seek out these terrible weapons wherever they may be, exploring every nook and cranny if necessary." However, Whitehall officials were left red-faced earlier today, as further details emerged about the alleged 'Jihadi bottom bombers'. Travelling under stolen passports, as Ben Dover and Phil McAvity, the two men were in fact prominent married Tory MP's, booked on a flight to Thailand for 'research' on the paedophile sex tourist industry
Magic Wand

Not Satire: Virginian father claims land in Africa so his daughter can be a 'real' princess

© David Crigger/BHC
Jeremiah Heaton and his 7-year-old daughter, Princess Emily, shows the flag that their family designed as they try to claim a piece of land in the Eastern African region of Bir Tawil
An Abingdon man claimed a kingdom so his daughter could be a princess. Jeremiah Heaton, who has three children, recently trekked across the Egyptian desert to a small, mountainous region between Egypt and Sudan called Bir Tawil.

The area, about 800 square miles, is claimed by neither Sudan nor Egypt, the result of land disputes dating back more than 100 years. Since then, there have been several online claimants to the property, but Heaton believes his physical journey to the site, where he planted a flag designed by his children, means he rightfully can claim it. And call his 7-year-old daughter Princess Emily, the fulfillment of a promise he made months earlier.

Bir Tawil
© Bristol Herald-Courier
Bir Tawil, Northern Africa
"Over the winter, Emily and I were playing, and she has a fixation on princesses. She asked me, in all seriousness, if she'd be a real princess someday," Heaton said. "And I said she would."

Steven Spielberg mercilessly trolled by Facebook users who think he killed a dinosaur

© The Independent, UK
This is not a joke – Facebook users riot over an image of the director on the set of Jurassic Park.
Steven Spielberg has been trolled by numerous Facebook users after a photo was shared of the director with a mechanical Triceratops on the set of 1993 film Jurassic Park.

The image was posted on the Facebook page of Jay Branscomb as a joke, alongside the caption:

"Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a Triceratops he just slaughtered. Please share so the world can name and shame this despicable man."

Incredibly, a fair few members of the public didn't grasp that the picture was taken from the Jurassic Park set, believing that Spielberg had actually poached a dinosaur; dinosaurs, a breed of animals that became extinct 66 million years ago.

The image has been shared over 33,000 times attracting thousands of comments, initially from misinformed users (apparently unaware that dinosaurs are no longer) and also those lamenting their stupidity.

True customer service! Pilot orders pizza for passengers stranded for hours on tarmac

pilot orders pizza
© Logan Torres via WESH-TV
A Frontier Airlines pilot ordered pizza for an entire plane after they were delayed due to severe weather.
It's probably not an announcement passengers aboard one Frontier Airlines flight expected.

After an already delayed Denver-bound plane was forced to temporarily land at a Wyoming airport until severe weather cleared up, passengers were left stranded on the tarmac for about an hour.

The 160 individuals aboard the Monday night flight were growing hungry and tired - and the pilot knew it. That's when he made a surprise announcement over the loudspeaker.
"He said 'Ladies and gentleman, Frontier Airlines is known for being one of the cheapest airlines in the US, but your captain is not cheap,'" passenger Logan Marie Torres, who is also Miss Colorado U.S. Teen 2014, told KDVR-TV. "'I just ordered pizza for the entire plane.'"

Cheyenne Domino's Pizza manager Andrew Ritchie told The Associated Press he got a call at about 10 p.m. Monday just as he was about to send employees home. He says the pilot told him he needed to feed 160 people - fast.

"I need to feed my whole plane," the caller told him, according to WESH-TV. "Lucky me, I hear 160 people."

Evolve Together makes a hilarious gun safety ad

One Christmas while staying at my cousin's house, one of her children decided that the most entertaining game ever would be to chase each other around the house with fly swatters to try to smack each other on the butt. Moral of the story: kids will play with anything. And that's the take away message for the surprising new gun safety ad "Playthings," featuring two kids unknowingly playing with sex toys.

The ad is a humorous look at a very serious issue. Sponsored by the gun-control group Evolve Together, it really drives home the need for parents to lock up their guns and keep them out of the hands of kids. And this is a serious issue. About 7,000 kids are hospitalized every year in the US because of guns. Though certainly not all of those are the result of kids playing with firearms, studies show that dozens of children a year actually die because of they were playing with an unsecured firearm.

Wait for it . . .16 Epic Jon Stewart Insults Worthy of Shakespeare

Jon Stewart
© Getty
Jon Stewart
Somewhere the bard is smiling.

Jon Stewart takes a week off every once in a while and we are consigned to watching his reruns for a fix, which is okay because they stand up fairly well. It also gives us a chance to take a step back and savor some of his finest insults. Stewart might have torn a page or two from Shakespeare's book - the bard was known to sling a good insult here and there. When Hamlet says, "They have a plentiful lack of wit," and a character in Coriolanus says, "More of your conversation would infect my brain," they could certainly be talking about Fox News. Henry V's line: "Such antics do not amount to a man," could certainly apply to John Boehner or Ted Cruz, and "Thou mis-shapen dick," seems tailor-made for Scalia, Alito and Limbaugh. Take your pick.

But Stewart has his own way with words (or he and his scribes do.) Too bad he took Hobby Lobby week off, but let's take a moment to remember some of his best digs, some of which sound positively Shakespearian.

1. Sonnet to Rush Limbaugh:

" Rush - The quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque superfund cleanup site that was his soul."

2. Insult by metaphor:

''Fox News: You are the lupus of news.''

3. Ode to O'Reilly

''Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell.''

4. Soliloquy on Fox:

''Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence."

U.S. flag recalled after causing 143 million deaths

Flags affected by the recall range from halftime-show extravaganza models to the smallest lapel pins.
Washington - Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.

Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.

"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use," said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. "I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately."
War Whore

Exposed! Yet another face of his evil manifest: John Kerry the ISIS Jihadist

John Kerry, war whore - whatever his attire!
Erbil, Iraq - After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country's increasing sectarian violence, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry retired to his hotel room Wednesday, where he is said to have donned the black clothing and black face mask commonly worn by ISIS militants while reportedly murmuring to his reflection that in order to defeat one's enemy, one must become them. "I must know their strengths, their weaknesses - I must see the world as they do if ever I am to triumph," the 70-year-old cabinet official said while wrapping a bandolier of ammunition around his waist and over his shoulders, one of several steps Kerry reportedly carefully undertook to "make [himself] one and the same" with the Sunni militant group. "It is said that if you know your enemies as you know yourself, you will be inviolable in many thousands of battles. So it shall be with me. He who is shrewdest shall be victorious." The fully black-clad elder statesman was then seen reciting the writings of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, telling himself that "There is no John Kerry; you are Abu Amir now," and then vanishing into the darkness of the desert night.

Comment: For a current, objective appraisal of designed Middle East mayhem: Psycho Reality Creators open gates of hell in Iraq with proxy Jihadis