Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Man robs 4 Subways in 4 days because "Jared Diet" didn't work

© Hueytown Police
Zachary Torrance
The man was recognized by someone who saw a video of the robberies on Facebook.

A man who robbed four Subway restaurants in four days with a gun claims he did it because he was mad the "Jared Diet" didn't work for him.

Zachary Torrance, 18, was arrested Friday by Hueytown police after someone saw surveillance videos on the Hueytown Police Department's Facebook page and recognized Torrance from having witnessed him purchase a gun holster at a Walmart. Police say he was even wearing the same clothing and shoes as the suspect was the day of the robbery.

"He stated in the course of his interview he had tried the 'Jared Diet' and it hadn't worked for him like he thought it should have," Police Chief Chuck Hagler told WJBF. "He was trying to get his money back."

Florida man tried to steal chainsaw by sneaking it underneath shirt

© St. Lucie County Jail
Anthony Brian Ballard
Police charged homeless man and chainsaw-thief Anthony Brian Ballard with grand theft.

Police say a homeless man was arrested Thursday for trying to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it under his shirt.

WPTV reports that Anthony Brian Ballard was charged with grand theft by police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., after authorities accused him of stealing the tool.

Ballard is said to have entered a lawn maintenance store and asked to break a dollar into change. He then placed a chainsaw under his shirt and left the store without paying.

After fleeing on a bicycle, Ballard was eventually found by an employee from the business, who tracked the 28-year-old man down and held him until police arrived. The chainsaw was recovered in a vacant lot nearby.

Bizarre mass pants-ripping at Chinese military reserve training

chinese uniform
Chinese military uniforms: with a new twist on "fatigues."
Chinese media is abuzz with serious concerns about the combat effectiveness of China's military as it was revealed that, at a recent college military reserve training session, over 100 reservists' camouflage pants simultaneously ripped out of nowhere.

The explosive rippage was apparently triggered when around 4,500 reservists - both men and women - were commanded by a drill instructor to sit down. We can only assume the drill instructor was the Chinese equivalent of R. Lee Ermy, as some of the reservists apparently took his command so seriously that they sat down with enough force to utterly destroy the stitching in their standard issue pants.

Of the 4,500 reservists at the training session, a little over 100 of them suffered catastrophic pants failure. That accounts for approximately 2% of those in attendance and, according to witnesses, the mass pants-ripping event was accompanied by a clearly audible RRRRRIIIIIIPPPPP that we're certain would have made Hanna and/or Barbera fiercely proud.

Despite chuckle-inducing sound effects, concerns are being raised about the general quality of the Chinese military's standard issue camouflage. The pants the trainees were wearing at the time apparently cost around 100 yuan (approx. US$15) - supposedly a somewhat high price to pay for a pair of pants in China.

We certainly hope the Chinese military takes note and changes their provider for fatigues. While we're sure there's nothing wrong with the camo pattern itself, it sort of defeats the purpose of the camouflage when the enemy can hear the thunderous sound of hundreds of pairs of pants tearing as you attempt to flank them.

Comment: Military uniforms "Made in China" - sounds "em-bare-assingly" like a rip off!


George Carlin Way: City block in New York named after legendary comedian

At a public unveiling ceremony today, October 22 at 1:00pm, the 400 block of West 121st street between Morningside Drive and Amsterdam Avenue will officially be co-named "George Carlin Way," after the celebrated comedian, actor and author, George Carlin, who grew up on West 121 Street. Confirmed attendees include Colin Quinn and Keith Olbermann, along with Carlin's daughter Kelly, older brother Patrick, comedian Kevin Bartini, who headed the efforts in the co-naming of street.

The process to get a street named in Carlin's honor begun in June of 2011 and finally became a reality on July 9, 2014 when Mayor DeBlasio signed the law allowing the co-naming to be official. Comedian Bartini would pass by West 121 Street and realized that there was no recognition of one on the communities' most celebrated residents. Bartini researched the process and went into action collecting over 9000 signatures in support of the name changing.

Although George Carlin is the most esteemed alumni of Corpus Christi School located at 529 West 121 Street, just a few doors away from his childhood home, Bartini met staunch opposition by the church, but with overwhelming support from the neighborhood and as well as local council persons, the church dropped their opposition to the bill. Manhattan Community Board 9 Voted 24-4 in support of "George Carlin Way," the bill then went on to the NYC City Council for a final affirming vote.

"The neighborhood my dad grew up in meant the world to him. He often spoke about his friends and life on the streets of "Irish Harlem." I'm so thrilled that the current and future residents of Morningside Heights will know about that connection through the sign that hangs there. Yay for George Carlin Way!!," says daughter Kelly.

Comment: You are missed George!
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India gets last laugh against America's 'elite space club'

The Orbital Sciences Corporation Antares rocket, with the Cygnus spacecraft onboard suffers a catastrophic anomaly moments after launch from the Mid-Atlantic Regional Spaceport Pad 0A, October 28, 2014, at NASA's Wallops Flight Facility in Virginia.
Following India's successful attempt to put a vehicle in Mars orbit, the New York Times published a cartoon acknowledging the event that some called racist. But India did not have to wait long to issue a comic rebuttal.

On September 24, India's fledgling space program got a historic first: The country's Mars Orbiter Mission (MOM) probe achieved the grand finale of its 10-month mission when it entered the Red Planet's gravitational field, thus making India just the fourth country to successfully send a space vehicle into Mars orbit.

The New York Times, however, could not resist taking a cheap shot with a stereotypical cartoon:


Drivers scramble for flying cash on Maryland highway

© File photo
Drivers scrambled to grab money flying around a Maryland highway after an armored truck's door burst open.

Maryland State Police say a lock on the truck seems to have malfunctioned, causing the door to open Friday morning. A bag of cash fell onto Interstate 270 near Urbana and the bills flew in the air.

Police say a number of drivers stopped on the interstate and grabbed what cash they could before a fire department vehicle arrived and turned on its emergency lights.

Responding troopers were able to help the truck's driver recover about $200. It's not known how much cash was lost.

Definitive proof that Nostradamus predicted Star Wars

Nostradamus Predictions
© Tara Jacoby/Getty
The prophecies of the French astrologer Nostradamus remain famous more than 400 years after his death. He has been credited with predicting events like the French Revolution and World War II. But, after careful scrutiny, we present evidence that his prophecies were, in fact, plot spoilers for the Star Wars films.

Nostradamus' prophecies were written in such vague, metaphorical language, that, over the years, people have selectively quoted and interpreted them to prove that he could see centuries into the future.

But, did it ever occur to anyone that Nostradamus wasn't predicting events, but film plots? More specifically, that Nostradamus, through his visions, saw the entire Star Wars saga before it was even made? We believe his writings were those of an enthusiastic fan and, as proof, we present his prophecies and - for the first time in history - interpret them for what they really are.

Black bears fight on residential street in Rockaway, New Jersery

Watch as these two large predators engage in an epic six-minute long brawl on a residential street in Rockaway, New Jersey

© J Domzalski
Two black bears were recorded wrestling and striking each other with huge blows in the middle of a suburban US town.

The shaky video - recorded from the safety of a car - lasts six minutes and follows the two heavy weights as they brawl their way down the street in Rockaway, New Jersey.

The video was reportedly captured in August but was uploaded to YouTube this month and has gone viral.

Bible too far-fetched even for me, says Pope

Pope Francis
© WaterfordWhispersNews
Following yesterday's announcement that the theories behind both the Big Bang Theory and evolution are real and that God is not a 'magician with a magic wand', Pope Francis has issued a second statement today admitting that there are things in the Bible that even he thinks are pure guff.

The popular Argentinian pontiff, who gained admirers with his more lenient views on gay partnership earlier this year, went on to state that there are some parts of the Bible that even he, as God's representative on Earth, has to admit are pretty out there.

Speaking at his daily pre-mass sermon, Pope Francis shocked listeners by reading passages from both Old and New Testaments while making googly eyes and circling one finger around his temple.

Citing key examples of Catholic dogma such as the immaculate conception and the resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ™ as being "metaphors, at best", the 266th pope began to giggle as he moved through chapter and verse of the Bible, angering some of the more senior Cardinals who were present.

Baby pandas outwit zookeepers plan to deliver dose of medicine

baby pandas
Getting kids to take their medicine can be hard, but when it comes to adorable panda cubs, it can be even more difficult.

In a new viral video, a Chinese zookeeper needed to give a dose of medicine to two pandas, but it didn't go according to plan, the Huffington Post reports.

The two young cubs mistake the man's presence for playtime as they climb on top of him and even cling to his legs.

As Metro notes, just as the zookeeper is close to getting one of them in position to take the medicine, the other panda climbs on his back, sending all three of them tumbling.