Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Grey Alien

Councillor says 'Vladimir Putin is advised by aliens' and blames space reptiles for Ukraine crisis

Simon Parkes and Vladimir Putin
Alien-obsessed Simon Parkes, a councillor in Whitby, North Yorkshire, blamed hostilities in troubled eastern Ukraine on a group of alien reptiles he calls the 'Nordics.'

The 53-year-old, who claims to have been visited by extra-terrestrials ever since being inside his mother's womb, said the correspondence between Putin and the Nordics "is on par with America" during a Q&A session in Wallsend, North Tyneside.

He said: " Putin had been part of a group advised by reptiles. Nordics made the counter offer to Putin.

"The technology the Nordics are giving to Putin is on par with America."


SOTT Satire Desk: the 2015 'Oscars'

Best actor

The best actor award goes to......Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, for his portrayal of a sensitive, caring, jovial, human being, in the 'Bibi-sitter'.


Lucrative new oil extraction method: Drilling directly into gas stations

IRVING, TX—Hailing it as a rapidly replenishable and easily accessible fuel source, ExxonMobil revealed a lucrative new oil extraction method Friday that involves drilling directly into gas stations. "We've found nearly unlimited reserves of highly refined petroleum mere meters beneath thousands of service stations across the country," said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, noting that the company had already erected oil extraction rigs alongside pump islands in all 50 states. "As I speak, we're yielding 3 million barrels per day just by boring through a few thin layers of asphalt, concrete, and metal. And, amazingly enough, the supply seems to somehow refill itself every week." Tillerson went on to say that the company was exploring the possibility that there were still massive untapped sources of oil already in Americans' cars, as well as in their homes

Snakes in Suits

Saakashvili's science: Ex-President sheds new light on Evolutionary Theory

© Ukrainian Presidential Press Service/Handout via Reuters
Exiled Georgian ex-President Mikhail Saakashvili claims to be at a higher evolutionary step than the country's former PM Ivanishvili and thus a more potent political leader for the country.

Former Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili plans to return to power to save the country from a "catastrophe," Georgian Rustavi 2 TV reported Wednesday. "Acting officials have brought the country to poverty," he said, referring to the current state of affairs in Georgia.

Saakashvili claimed Bidzina Ivanishvili, who became Prime Minister after Saakashvili's term expired and his United National Movement party was driven from power, was responsible for the current decline of Georgia.

"According to evolutionary theory, Bidzina Ivanishvili and I are at different evolutionary steps. An absolute majority of Georgian people are at a much higher step than this individual," Saakashvili said, before proceeding to accuse the former PM of nepotism and other forms of incompetence.

Comment: Yup, psychopaths are probably on a different evolutionary step. Of course, Saakashvili is still a wanted man and is exiled in the US.


Jon Stewart on Brian Williams saga: Guardians of the veracity


Yeti digs out Boston's buried cars

Here's a look at this week's trending weather news.


Woman's best friend: Schnauzer escapes, walks 15 blocks to find owner in the hospital

Sissy the miniature schnauzer managed to get out of her yard and walked 20 blocks to the hospital where her owner was recovering from cancer treatment.
There's no denying the bond that develops between people and their pets.

A miniature schnauzer in Cedar Rapids proved that nothing, even distance, can break that bond.

Nancy Franck and her two miniature schnauzers, Sissy and Barney, live in southeast Cedar Rapids. Franck, however, has been staying 15 to 20 blocks away at Mercy Medical Center following a surgery.

She's been in the hospital for about two weeks.

Last Saturday Nancy's husband, Dale, was devastated when Sissy unexpectedly ran away from home

"We looked up and there was this dog that was just running across the lobby," said Mercy Security Officer Samantha Conrad.

It's a surprise visitor no one expected: a dog in a hospital. Security cameras caught it all. Just like anybody would, Sissy wandered through two automatic doors and strolls right into Mercy Medical Center.

Comment: With this heartwarming story another side of uncharacteristic animal behavior is shown. Daily examples from all over the planet are being reported of animals attacking humans and other strange behavior. What is behind this behavior and can the change to the environment leading to such strange behavior be in part connected to this dogs positive act to find her owner?

HRC Blue

SATIRE: Queen Elizabeth rips Chris Christie for stalling gay marriage bill

© Dan Kitwood/POOL/Reuters
Moments after approving a new law legalizing gay marriage in England and Wales, Queen Elizabeth II of Britain unleashed a blistering attack on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for "lacking the guts" to do the same.

The British monarch's brutal evisceration of Gov. Christie stunned observers, who did not know that she was such a close follower of his gay-marriage stance.

"I don't like to badmouth people," she said. "But I'm the head of a monarchy that began in the ninth century, and I'm apparently more modern than Chris Christie."

After shocking observers with her opening salvo, she continued to tear Gov. Christie to shreds.

"Look, I know he has to appeal to the crazy right wingers in his party," she added. "But the fact is, he's not as forward-thinking as an eighty-seven-year-old lady who wears a crown on her head. It's pathetic."


Dubai unveils plans for world's largest human rights violation

© The Onion
When it is completed around 2025, the massive human rights abuse is expected to dwarf all others in Dubai and around the world.
Dubai - Calling it the most ambitious project of its kind ever undertaken, officials from Dubai's Department of Economic Development announced Tuesday the emirate's plans to construct the world's largest human rights violation.

Set to begin later this month, the project, dubbed Saqr Ganzeer, or "Chained Falcon," will reportedly take as long as 10 years to complete and make use of more than 250,000 foreign workers from the Indian subcontinent and other parts of Asia. It is expected to easily surpass all previous record holders, towering over every other abuse of rights in the wealthy Middle Eastern city.

"With this bold new endeavor, we will create the biggest deprivation of basic human dignity the world has ever seen," said DED deputy director Jamal Al Falasi, who according to reports was selected to oversee the project after successfully managing several of Dubai's smaller violations of individuals' freedoms. "None of the others will even come close. Once completed, it will be recognized everywhere as a symbol of Dubai and everything our city stands for."


Demonstrative parrot repeats arguments of previous owners


Rants: Peaches new owners find her rants amusing
This is the parrot that has some very vivid memories of its former owners' break up.

New owner Elaine Sigmon, from North Carolina, recorded a video of her salmon-crested cockatoo reenacting one of the more painful scenes from its old home.

The emotional bird, called Peaches, can be heard hosting a one-man domestic in the bizarre clip.