Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Exclusive: Intimate TSA Agents May Get Ebola First

the daily squib

A brave TSA agent, fondling with danger, for your security.
Newark - USA - Intimate body searches at airports across the United States could mean that TSA agents contract the deadly Ebola virus first.

As the cocky TSA agent tells the man to bend over from West Africa and pats his crotch down, a bead of sweat falls onto his gloved hand. With a gestation period of 21 days little does the TSA agent know that when he has an itch in his eye three minutes later, he's rubbing Ebola virus into his eye.

TSA agents are on the front line, fondling, stroking people's private parts during invasive searches daily.

"It's not just the TSA agents who are at risk, they don't change their gloves after each invasive search, they use the same pair of gloves all day, therefore any viral pathogens present on a gloved hand stay there and are spread from person to person. One person can therefore infect thousands in a day," Dr. Lucius Trimble, from the Washington Virus Research Institute told MSNBC.
Mr. Potato

LA residents call 911 to report Facebook outage

© Facebook
A number of Los Angeles residents resorted to calling the 911 just to report that Facebook was down on Friday.
A number of Los Angeles residents resorted to calling the 911 just to report that Facebook was down on Friday.

As reported by Reuters, Facebook was not accessible to several countries for just around 30 minutes on Friday, but was fully restored after fixing the technical failure. Many residents of Los Angeles considered this as an emergency situation so they called the 911.

Sgt. Burton Brink, public information officer of the Los Angeles County Sheriff office, posted a tweet reprimanding those who called up the 911 lines just to cry for help on the Facebook outage: "Facebook is not a Law Enforcement issue, please don't call us about it being down, we don't know when FB will be back up!"
Mr. Potato

Thanks so much for clarifying: Ken Ham sez defund NASA's search for alien life to build more Creation museums

© Rawstory
Fruit loop
Ken Ham walked back his widely reported comments on the search for extraterrestrial life by joking that the money should instead be spent on building more creationist museums.

The president of the Answers in Genesis ministry appeared this week on fellow creationist Ray Comfort's Comfort Zone online program, arguing that the existence of intelligent life would undermine Christian theology.

"Understanding the Gospel that God's son became a man, became a descendent of Adam, became the God-man (and) remains the God-man - our savior - and that only humans can be saved, so obviously Jesus didn't become a God-Klingon, he became a God-man," Ham explained.

Comment: Huh?

The creationist complained that critics, including scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson and talk show host Bill Maher, had falsely accused him of calling for NASA to be defunded, but he continued to call space exploration a waste of money based on non-biblical teachings.

"One of the big thrusts in the space program is to look for life in outer space, look for alien life, and of course, you know, they believe that, because they think that they came about as a product of naturalistic evolution," Ham said.

Comment: Space program should end because aliens are going to hell anyway sez Creationist Ken Ham

Hear all, believe nothing. Read The Wave, Ken!


"Just say no" to Israel - Jon Stewart

© The Daily Show
On Thursday night's Daily Show, host Jon Stewart continued to try and make heads or tails of America's actions in Israel. Despite the fact that Secretary of State John Kerry has repeatedly tried to broker a peace deal between Israel and Hamas, Stewart finds the nation's actions a little confusing.

Moments after a 72-hour ceasefire was announced between the two countries, Israel asked the United States for more weapons, which the United State was ready to provide.

"Maybe they're just running out of sh*t to blow up...maybe it's the opportunity for peace that as we heard earlier, the administration has been working tirelessly towards," Stewart said.

"Guys! We cannot be Israel's rehab sponsor...and its drug dealer...It's not gonna work, just say no!" Stewart bemoaned.
Star of David

Zionist censoring: Jon Stewart learns what happens when you criticize Israel

What happens when anyone criticizes Israel...

Stock Up

Corporate love: Nike legally adopts thousands of undocumented immigrant children

These newly adopted boys enjoy some arts and crafts time
Beaverton, Oregon - Nike, one of the world's largest shoe and apparel makers, has also proven that it possesses one of the world's largest and most loving hearts by legally adopting over 12,000 undocumented immigrant children who were being detained on the U.S./Mexico border.

The children, most of whom are between ages 6 and 16, came to this country from Central American nations such as Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador seeking better opportunities and a loving family life, which is just what Nike will provide, according to Chairman Phil Knight.

"Nike has always been focused on making children's lives better," says Knight, "Traditionally, we have done that by providing state-of-the art footwear that gives kids a greater sense of self-worth. Now, by adopting these kids, we can do so much more."

Knight says the children will be housed on a compound outside Washington County, where they will be provided with an education and job training.

"We're going to help these kids prepare to be productive members of American society," Knight says, "By the time they reach adulthood they will all have marketable skills."

Knight adds that all the children have legally changed their surnames to Nike, and that their well being will be overseen by a special child welfare division the company has just launched. Knight also says that Nike will be moving all overseas production back to the U.S.
2 + 2 = 4

Teacher: Mother bear helping her cubs get off the highway

Grizzly mother and her two cubs
Grizzly mother helps her children to safety
The video featured in the Telegraph's Weird News Video section has since been posted on YouTube and is generating online buzz.

The Telegraph's article says tornado hunter Ricky Forbes was driving through Kootenay National Park when he spotted a black bear cub sitting dangerously close to the highway.

Dog faints from excitement at reunion with owner after two years

dog faints
Everyone can see the affection dog owners have for their pets because humans have many ways of expressing it. When it comes to the affection dogs have for owners, though, things get a little trickier. People who are familiar with how dogs behave can spot certain things, but there is a world of people out there who wouldn't know a tail wag from a doggy twerk.
Bad Guys

Revealed! The latest sport for the 'psychopaths in power': Putin baiting

Obama and Netanyahu
© Global Research
PSYCHOPATHS IN POWER: With much of the controlled Western media already blaming Putin and Russia on the MH17 tragedy, Obama and Netanyahu discuss the next planned provocation in their sick 'Putin-baiting' sport.
Washington D.C, USA - Just do it Vlad, they want you to pull the trigger, so the next stage can commence.

"Just invade already, we know you want to, what's keeping you Mr Putin? Next you're going to tell us you want multi million dollar holidays every few months and to play golf all the frickin' time," professor of political science, Ian Nesbit from Chickataw University in Washington told Reuters.

"It is plain to see the MH17 shooting is being used as a pawn and a tool in a dirty propaganda war by the West, as the hypocritical Western powers are using the sordid death of civilians to solidify negative press on Russia.

"You don't fly passenger jets over war zones period, secondly, someone gave the order to the pilot to divert course over the war zone, whoever that person or entity was is the real murderer," the professor added.

"Unfortunately, for Uncle Vlad, he is now caught between a rock and a hard place, with the media calling him a 'baby killer' but he must consider this fact, the hypocritical Western hierarchy do not actually care about civilian lives, to them a few hundred civilians on a plane could easily be a bunch of fruit flies. The elite controllers do not see human civilians as anything but little pieces of software or tax fodder so they can live their privileged expense account lifestyles.

"Again, like 911, who benefited from MH17? Cui bono? Not Putin.

"The West has been poking the bear with a stick for a while now, firstly it is the West that provoked Putin by meddling in Ukraine right on Russia's doorstep, this resulted in Russia invading Crimea. The sanctions are further provocations angering the bear further. By backing Putin into a corner, he is an angry bear and he will conduct a full scale invasion soon enough. This is what the West wants."

Meanwhile if anyone has any sense, they won't be boarding a plane that starts with the letters MH any time soon.

Breaking News: God appears in the sky over Norfolk, UK

God-like: This incredible picture was taken on a beach in Norfolk
Nobody can argue there's something heavenly about a cluster of clouds on a summer's day.

And by the look of this stunning picture, that is certainly the case, if you look closely.

Amateur photographer Jeremy Fletcher took this extraordinary photograph which appears to show a God-like bearded man in the clouds.

The 56-year-old took the image during recent turbulent weather conditions and says the clouds momentarily parted at sunset to reveal the image.

Mr Fletcher, of Bray, Berkshire, was in Norfolk for a three-month work attachment took the photograph on an evening stroll along the beach at Snettisham .

"I realised the image looked remarkably like a face of a man with a beard so I took a number of shots on my phone" he said.