Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
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Fish

It was THAT big! Scottish fisherman nets Russian submarine after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea

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Angus MacLeod (pictured) a fishing boat skipper, has lodged an incident report with the Maritime and Coastguard Agency and the Marine Accident Investigation Branch following the unusual occurence.
A fisherman told last night about the one that got away - a suspected Russian submarine which became entangled in his nets after it strayed inside British waters in the North Sea.

Angus Macleod, 46, was fishing for haddock and skate when he became convinced that a hostile vessel was caught up below his boat Aquarius.

The submarine attempted to free itself, taking the 65ft vessel and his two-ton catch with it.

Comment: Everything now-a-days is Moscow's fault.


Arrow Down

Lunatic wins election

© Reuters
An absolute fucking lunatic has won an election today in Israel, keeping him in the role as Prime Minister of the middle-eastern country.

Benjamin Netanyahu, who ordered the bombings of thousands of innocent men, women and children since taking office, secured victory in the Israeli election after a last-minute push to shore up his party's vote enabled him to close the gap with the opposition Zionist Union and put him back on track to be re-elected.

While vowing to continue the country's eradication of Palestine, the complete mad man had bombarded the Israeli media for the past few weeks in an intense campaign, which fear-mongered citizens into believing that Israel's security would be put at risk if voters put social and economic issues ahead of their country's survival.

"You will all die if you don't re-elect me," he told viewers on nine different TV stations. "Concentration camps. Holocaust. Arabs. Nuclear bombs. Iran. Jews dead. Boom! Capiche?" Netanyahu added while shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of 'need I say more'.

The lunatic's party narrowly won the election in what was almost a dead heat, despite openly accusing 'Arab voters' of trying to sabotage his campaign by voting democratically against him 'on purpose'.

"I would advise the Arab community in Israel to stop voting against me," Netanyahu said on his Facebook page. "As I am Jewish, this can be classed as antisemitic behaviour and you could go to prison for such an attack on our democracy and people".

Shortly after being reelected, the Israeli prime minister requested another four billion dollars worth of military hardware from the United States for 'defence purposes', and ordered his army to reclaim some more land from the Palestinian people to celebrate.

USA

US Congress's approval rating no longer detectable by current technology

© Michael Reynolds/EPA/LANDOV
Washington - After a challenging week for the legislative body, the approval rating of the United States Congress has shrunk to a point where it is no longer detectable by the technology currently available, a leading pollster said on Friday.

Davis Logsdon, who heads the highly regarded Opinion Research Institute at the University of Minnesota, said that his polling unit has developed highly sensitive measurement technology in recent years to gauge Congress's popularity as it fell into the single digits, but added that "as of this week, Congress is basically flatlining."

"At the beginning of the week, you could still see a slight flicker of approval for Congress," he said. "Then—bam!—the lights went out."

Logsdon said, however, that people should resist drawing the conclusion that Congress's approval rating now stands at zero. "They may have support in the range of .0001 per cent or, say, .0000001 per cent," he said. "Our equipment just isn't advanced enough to measure it."

Logsdon said that the swift descent of Congress's approval rating below detectable levels has surprised experts in the polling profession. "A couple of years ago, when they shut down the government, I wondered, What could they possibly do to become less popular than this?" the pollster said.
"Now we know."

Bacon

Bird of prey seen tucking into donner kebab in Manchester city centre

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The bird of prey was pictured by a GMP officer
A bird of prey has been spotted eating a donner kebab in Manchester city centre.

The hungry hawk-like animal was photographed on a brick ledge in the Gay Village tucking into a sliver of grilled lamb on Friday lunchtime.

GMP City Centre tweeted an image of the bird and added: "An eagle-eyed cop saw a bird of prey in the Village. Bird was enjoying a lunch of donner meat. Yum!"
An eagle-eyed cop saw a bird of prey in the Village. Bird was enjoying a lunch of donner meat. Yum! pic.twitter.com/AlLALTK9SJ
— GMP City Centre (@GMPCityCentre) March 13, 2015
If you saw the bird and have more photographs, contact us on 0161 2112323 or email [email protected]

It comes in the same week a kestrel was spotted eating a pie at Shudehill bus station.

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Kestrel eating a pie

Dollar

Wall Street firm develops new high-speed algorithm capable of performing over 10,000 ethical violations per second

© The Onion
New York—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second. "With this new automated program, we'll be able to systematically deceive investors, engage in conflicts of interest, and execute thousands of other blatantly unethical dealings in the time it takes to press a button," said John Waldron, co-head of Goldman Sachs' investment banking division, who added that the high-frequency impropriety system will be able to break more rules in a minute than an entire floor of morally suspect securities traders, financial analysts, and portfolio managers could over the course of a week.

"In the past, if one of our brokers wanted to exploit a questionably legal regulatory loophole or breach the covenant of good faith with an investment client, that would require hours of manually contravening the basic principles of professional integrity. But this innovative system will allow millions of such transgressions to go through every single day. Going forward, I expect this revolutionary program to be the cornerstone of our business." Upon learning of the advanced new unethical algorithm, investors initiated a buying frenzy on Goldman Sachs stock, sending share prices surging more than 30 percent to $245.46.

Beer

Pee back time! Hamburg party district's revenge on urinating partygoers

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© Still from YouTube video
Residents of St Pauli, the notorious Hamburg party hub, are taking revenge on the drunken partygoers who have for years been urinating on the neighborhood's buildings and streets, with a high-tech paint that sends the urine bouncing right back.

Local community group IG St Pauli cooked up this unorthodox method to combat shameless public urination after residents realized that traditional tactics weren't deterring messy drunks from relieving themselves all over the neighborhood.

"Prohibitions and fines do scarcely anything," said a member of the group "So we decided to solve the problem our own way. Now, St Pauli pees back."

The hydrophobic paint, also used in shipbuilding, deflects any liquid that comes into contact with it, meaning those who pee on surfaces will find their own urine shooting right back at them. St Pauli welcomes some 20 million visitors each year, many of whom forgo its slew of trendy cafes and shops in favor of the seedy bars and strip clubs in its red light districts, the Reeperbahn.

Comment: Great idea, hope it works.


Map

'90s sitcom 'Seinfeld' predicted NATO strategy in Ukraine

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"Ukraine is game to you?!"
In this clip from the episode "The Labelmaker" from the 1990s sitcom "Seinfeld," Kramer (Micheal Richards) and Newman (Wayne Knight) become obsessed with the board game "Risk" — a game of world domination.

The pair's subway dialog presciently describes how US/NATO policy in Europe has operated since 1991.

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Russia completely withdrew from Europe — leaving only a naval base in Crimea. Washington apparently believed Ukraine was just another "road apple" on its drive to completely encircle and neutralize Russia.

In the video, It is notably the Ukrainian himself who angrily overturns and destroys everything, under the mistaken perception that he is somehow defending his country.

He doesn't understand that to some, the fate of Ukraine is simply a game.

Chart Pie

Report: Whites more likely to be CEOs than equally psychopathic blacks


Only four Fortune 500 CEOs are corrupt, pathologically narcissistic African-Americans.
Shedding light on the striking lack of diversity within the highest ranks of corporate America, a report from the Executive Leadership Council released Tuesday reveals that white individuals are far more likely to be named CEOs than equally sociopathic black candidates.

Despite widespread evidence that minority executives are just as misanthropic and unprincipled as their Caucasian peers, the study found that less than 1 percent of Fortune 500 companies have black chief executives, demonstrating that the upper levels of the business world frequently remain inaccessible to even the most morally bankrupt of African-Americans.

"Our data shows that when white megalomaniacs and black megalomaniacs contend for the highest corporate positions in the U.S., the latter are routinely passed over," said the report's lead author, Sandra Norwood, pointing to dozens of recent instances in which African-American individuals who had proven track records of undermining their colleagues', employees', and shareholders' interests in order to further their own selfish ambitions were not even offered an interview for a company's top seat. "Vindictive, unscrupulous blacks simply aren't granted these leadership opportunities, despite possessing the same willingness to maximize short-term profit by eliminating health insurance benefits for part-time employees or commit accounting fraud in order to inflate the value of their personal stock options."

Comment: Truth through satire! It doesn't matter what color your skin is, the people in positions of power tend to have one thing in common: psychopathy.


Smiley

Hillary Clinton hints at Presidential ambitions by concealing information from American people

© dapd
WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people. "By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations," said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton's efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief. "Clinton is showing voters that she's ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence. This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run." Rothenberg added that Clinton's flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.

Star of David

Watch, laugh, then cry - Netanyahu choreographs a humiliated Congress

This video should go viral. It is from the Israeli media.
Watch, laugh - and cry.


Comment: So this is what an Israeli journalist came up with for Netanyahu's speech to Congress? Something to think about.