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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

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Ridiculous as a Modern Art: Antony Gormley's rooftop sculptures are making New Yorkers jumpy

James Bone
The Times
Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:25 EST

In Manhattan 27 of the 31 statues by Antony Gormley will be put on rooftops

Police are trying to reassure New Yorkers that life-sized figures placed on rooftops by the British sculptor Antony Gormley are not people contemplating suicide.

The New York police department issued a statement after the first of the 31 figures started going up around Madison Square Park in lower Manhattan.

The police are trying to avert a spate of emergency calls similar to those made after the exhibition went on display in London in 2007.

"We were notified because of concerns the public might misperceive what they see and call police. We will respond no matter what because you can have an actual jumper at the same building," a police spokesman said.

Nicole Mordant
Reuters
Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:31 EST

© Reuters/Todd Korol
Canada's Sidney Crosby celebrates after scoring the game winning goal against the U.S. during overtime in their men's ice hockey gold medal game at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics February 28, 2010.

Vancouver - Canada's largest airline has learned it sometimes has to take a back seat to the country's biggest sporting passion, ice hockey, the head of Air Canada said on Tuesday.

The airline was forced to delay a flight from Vancouver during the 2010 Winter Olympic Games because passengers watching the end of gold medal final on airport televisions ignored repeated calls to board.

"We incurred a flight delay for a reason Air Canada had not yet encountered in over 72 years of existence," chief executive Calin Rovinescu told a business gathering.

The Canadian fans were rewarded for their delay, as the nail-biting end to the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics saw Canada beat arch-rival United States 3-2 in overtime.

The Onion
Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:37 EST

© The Onion
The giant mass of prose was devoid of so much as a large pulled quote for readers to glance at before moving on.

Washington - Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text.

Dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California gazed helplessly at the frightening chunk of print, unsure of what to do next. Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words.

"Why won't it just tell me what it's about?" said Boston resident Charlyne Thomson, who was bombarded with the overwhelming mass of black text late Monday afternoon. "There are no bullet points, no highlighted parts. I've looked everywhere - there's nothing here but words."

The Onion
Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:54 EST

2,000 Miles beneath Bavaria, Germany - Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449 on the world's true calendar, died yesterday in his subterranean bedchamber. He was 112.

Joanne Nova
JoNova
Wed, 03 Mar 2010 11:08 EST

The rise in global temperatures since 1880 closely correlates with increases in postal charges, sparking alarm that CO2 has been usurped as the main driver of climate change.

Back in 1885 it cost 2 cents to post a letter. Who would have thought that as postal charges climbed by 40 cents through the next 120 years, that global temperatures would mirror that rise in timing and slope and gain almost one full degree?

Ominously, US Post is set to raise the charges 2c to 44c on May 11, 2009. Postal Action Network (PAN) has already sprung into existence this afternoon and plans to produce a boycott campaign of the new 44c Homer Simpson stamps. Overworked postal workers are enthusiastic. Homer Simpson is reported to have said "Give me the number for 911."

Marc J. Rauch
theautochannel.com
Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:05 EST

Congress, the general media, what seems like the entire legal profession, and the public-at large are convinced that Toyota automobiles are all subject to "sudden unintended acceleration" and are hazardous to drive. They are convinced to the point that any other explanation is now open to ridicule, including the completely preposterous idea that drivers could be at fault for the reported incidents.

The evidence that has allowed the truth about Toyotas to become revealed are the few hundred anecdotal reports from drivers, one heartbreaking 911 phone call report involving a police officer, and one in-the-lab test conducted under un-natural conditions. Armed with this information dozens, if not hundreds of lawsuits have already been filed against Toyota. Congress has put aside other issues to conduct hearings, and the U.S. Secretary of Transportation has decreed that people should not drive their Toyota vehicles*.

The purpose of this article is not to judge the validity of the Toyota SUA stories
and claims, or to contradict Ray LaHood's no-drive mandate. In fact, being a believer in extraterrestrial civilizations and visitations, I rather like the certainty that can determined from overall Toyota finding.

Everything is OK in Cambridge

Charlie Veitch
The Love Police
Sun, 07 Mar 2010 08:13 EST

Some clips from my recent trip to Cambridge. What a lovely city. Thanks to Simon for putting me on the train there.

Piano track is by Yann Tiersen, from soundtrack to Amelie

SooToday
Tue, 02 Mar 2010 06:00 EST

Ontario - Sixty-seven-year-old Moira Williams of #508-303 Macdonald Avenue was arrested this morning at 3:15 a.m. at her residence and charged with one count of mischief.

It is alleged that throughout the evening of the 1st of March and into the early morning hours of the 2nd, the accused, while under the influence of alcohol, repeatedly called 911 requesting the police to go to a store and purchase cigarettes for her.

After being warned several times by police not to call back unless it was an emergency, she continued to call and was charged.

Charlie Veitch
The Love Police
Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:37 EST

The Love Police was doing the usual, enjoying free speech in a corporate zone, and the Beefeaters (Royal Guardians) of the Tower of London called the Police on us. Again. This time, the Police knew to send more than one officer. They sent an Inspector (rather senior), two Sargeants, and five officers. 4 Police cars. Sirens. This is our attempt to show you how to stop yourself getting arrested under this RIDICULOUS and OVER-USED Terror Act.

Do not consent.
No one rules if no one obeys.
Live Free. Die Free

The Onion
Tue, 02 Mar 2010 12:35 EST

© The Onion

Google expressed regret to some of its third-generation Irish-American users on Smithwood between Barlow and Lake

Responding to recent public outcries over its handling of private data, search giant Google offered a wide-ranging and eerily well-informed apology to its millions of users Monday.

"We would like to extend our deepest apologies to each and every one of you," announced CEO Eric Schmidt, speaking from the company's Googleplex headquarters. "Clearly there have been some privacy concerns as of late, and judging by some of the search terms we've seen, along with the tens of thousands of personal e-mail exchanges and Google Chat conversations we've carefully examined, it looks as though it might be a while before we regain your trust."

Added Schmidt, "Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are."

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"The free press is the mother of all our liberties and of our progress under liberty" Adlai E. Stevenson

"There is no more important struggle for American democracy than ensuring a diverse, independent and free media. Free Press is at the heart of that struggle." Bill Moyers

"This is, in theory, still a free country, but our politically correct, censorious times are such that many of us tremble to give vent to perfectly acceptable views for fear of condemnation. Freedom of speech is thereby imperiled, big questions go undebated, and great lies become accepted, unequivocally as great truths." Simon Heffer in The Daily Mail, 7 June 2000

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