Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Robot

Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale (satire)


The Onion
Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:44 UTC
Image
© OnionObama told aides he feels "like a cylon without a Resurrection Ship".
Washington - According to sources in the White House, President Barack Obama has been uncharacteristically distant and withdrawn ever since last month's two-hour series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

"The president seems to be someplace else lately," said one high-level official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Yesterday we were all being briefed on the encroachment of Iranian drone planes into Iraq, when he just looked up from the table and blurted out, 'What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?'"

"I haven't seen him this upset since Admiral Adama realized that Earth was actually an uninhabitable wasteland," the official continued. "Or at least that's what he told me. I don't actually watch the show. It's not really my thing."
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Phoenix

Driver faces jail after 'dead' deer wakes up


Ananova
Mon, 06 Apr 2009 11:19 UTC
A Polish driver is facing a prison sentence after a 'dead' deer he left on the back seat of his car regained consciousness.
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Bell

Russian Orthodox Church hits out at sales of 'holy' water


RIA Novosti
Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:02 UTC
The Russian Orthodox Church in southern Siberia has demanded that a local company halt sales of bottled water advertised as "blessed," the Novye Izvestiya newspaper said on Monday.

The Triyera company, based in the Altai Territory city of Biisk, has been selling its "Mountain Spring - Baptismal" water since early March. Adverts for the water, which is more expensive than its rivals, claim that it was bottled from a spring in the Altai mountains on Epiphany and blessed in line with Church traditions. Epiphany is celebrated in Russia on January 19.
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Key

'Golden Porsche' worth $600,000 stolen in Moscow


RIA Novosti
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:55 UTC
A Porsche 911 plated with real gold and worth an estimated $600,000 was stolen on Friday afternoon in the southeast of Moscow, a police source said.

The officer said that the owner of the exclusive vehicle had decided to sell the car and found a client via the Internet. The client arrived to take a look at the "Golden Porsche" and after two laps of test drive on a parking lot near the Volgogradskoye highway sped off in an unknown direction.
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Butterfly

Parrot receives award for warning baby was choking


USA Today
Mon, 06 Apr 2009 03:06 UTC
Denver - A parrot whose cries of alarm alerted his owner when a little girl choked on her breakfast has been honored as a hero.

Willie, a Quaker parrot, has been given the local Red Cross chapter's Animal Lifesaver Award.

In November, Willie's owner, Megan Howard, was baby-sitting for a toddler. Howard left the room and the little girl, Hannah, started to choke on her breakfast.

Willie repeatedly yelled "Mama, baby" and flapped his wings, and Howard returned in time to find the girl already turning blue.

Howard saved Hannah by performing the Heimlich maneuver but said Willie "is the real hero."

"The part where she turned blue is always when my heart drops no matter how many times I've heard it," Hannah's mother, Samantha Kuusk, told KCNC-TV. "My heart drops in my stomach and I get all teary eyed."

Willie got his award during a "Breakfast of Champions" event Friday attended by Gov. Bill Ritter and Mayor John Hickenlooper.
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Life Preserver

Make the world a better place - uninvent something

Paul Marks
NewScientist
Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:28 UTC
Time Machine Box_01
© Nils Jorgensen/Rex Features
Here's a thought experiment for Friday: if you had a time machine and could revisit the past to extinguish a technology before it caught on, what would that invention be?

Weapons aside - too obvious a choice - my vote goes to Google Street View, a web service with a misleading name. It should be called Google House Close-Up. It's a service that helps crooks case joints from afar. They can discover which houses have ropy old window locks, hedges to hide behind or signs that suggest no-one will be in during the school run.
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Star

Britain's youngest agony aunt, 7, gets radio slot


Daily Mirror (UK)
Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:00 UTC
Elaina Smith has a wise head on her seven-year-old shoulders - which is why she is Britain's youngest agony aunt.

She rang a phone-in on her local radio station and told a woman caller who had just been dumped to go bowling with friends and drink a mug of milk. Her advice was such a hit Elaina was given a weekly slot on Mercia FM's breakfast show.
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Telephone

'Getting Nasty': White House Directs Reporters to Sex Line


FOXNews.com
Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:00 UTC
In a press release, the White House accidentally listed a phone sex number for journalists seeking an "on-the-record briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Advisor Jim Jones to discuss the NATO summit."
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Sherlock

'114-year-old man' found with 6.5 tonnes of marijuana


Metro (UK)
Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:00 UTC
Nigeria's anti-narcotics agency confiscated 6.5 tonnes of marijuana on Tuesday - from the home of a man who claimed he was 114 years old.
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Padlock

Russian police detain beaver for biting woman


RIA Novosti
Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:04 UTC
beaver
© Unknown
Police in Kaliningrad have caught a beaver after the animal bit a woman in the center of the western Russian city, a police spokesman said on Thursday.

Police said they received a call at around 3 a.m. local time (midnight GMT) saying that a beaver had attacked people. "One woman tried to caress it and the animal bit her," the spokesman said.

It is unclear why the rodent ventured into the center of the city. The spokesman said it could have emerged from a pond near the Amber Museum or a lake near a maternity hospital.
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