Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
A team of scientists - including a selection of boffins and eggheads - are to invent some totally new things by the year 8005. Amongst the things to be invented are a car which can run on used beard-clippings, a telescope able to see into the human mind and a box for keeping atoms in.
Prof. Brainstorm Quantum of The University Of Europe, a leading expert on knowledge, explained "we are working on some devices which will be able to do things which can't be done now. At this very moment, a group of us are experimenting with at least five contraptions and a gizmo, and hope to have a working model of a sort of machine up and running by next year. Maybe."
Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:28 CDT
WASHINGTON, - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is setting up its new HQ in a former lunatic asylum.
Comment: They should feel right at home.
A Wisconsin fire marshal who admitted consulting online psychics at work didn't need a crystal ball to tell him it was time to resign.
Tom Weber, a 22-year fire veteran, was put on administrative leave nine months ago after he was accused of asking an online psychic on a department computer whether he and others would be successful in removing Middleton's fire chief.
Never underestimate a mouse's determination. There's a mouse in Bill Exner's house that he says he has captured three times. Each time, the mouse escaped, and the last time the rodent made off with his lower dentures.
Exner, 68, said he and his wife Shirley scoured his bedroom after the dentures disappeared from his night stand.
"We moved the bed, moved the dressers and the night stand and tore the closet apart," he said. "I said, 'I knew that little stinker stole my teeth' - I just knew it."
A short-sighted Croatian pensioner sparked a police manhunt when he mistakenly picked up another boy instead of his grandson from a kindergarten.
Luka Karlovic, 70, arrived at a kindergarten in Zagreb to pick up his five-year-old grandson Petar.
But when an employee called for the boy to come and meet his grandfather another Petar stepped forward, and Karlovic drove off with him.
Cut down on flying, sell the car and recycle your bottles. But if you really want to tackle global warming, you should stop your cow from burping.
According to scientific estimates, the methane gas produced by cows is responsible for 4% of greenhouse gas emissions. And now, German scientists have invented a pill to cut bovine burping.
The fist-sized plant-based pill, known as a bolus, combined with a special diet and strict feeding times, is meant to reduce the methane produced by cows.
MOSCOW - A hundred residents of a Russian village have refused to switch to new passports because they believe the documents' bar codes contain satanic symbols, state television reported on Wednesday.
Thu, 22 Mar 2007 23:30 CDT
HONOLULU - Dorie-Ann Kahale and her five daughters moved from a homeless shelter to a mansion Thursday, courtesy of a Japanese real estate mogul who is handing over eight of his multimillion-dollar homes to low-income Native Hawaiian families.
Richard Spencer Telegraph
Thu, 22 Mar 2007 20:00 CDT
At Wang Sufang's shop on the outskirts of Beijing, you can buy a red Mercedes, a two-storey modern villa and a small horse, all for less than £40.
The only catch is that to enjoy them, you have to be dead.
The luxuries that Miss Wang sells are paper versions, traditionally burnt by Chinese as offerings to the dead in the hope that their presence will ease the travails of the afterlife.
In the old days, all that the dead could hope for was paper "heaven money", or perhaps a bit of food. But with economic growth, variety and quality are matching the ambitions of China's new rich.
They were smiling yesterday at their £4.2million National Lottery luck, but their winning ticket nearly went up in smoke after these four road workers left it in their van's ashtray overnight.
The four - who scooped the roll-over just five weeks after being told they'd have to be made redundant - stopped on the way home to buy five Lucky Dip entries.
Trevor Kimber, 47, stuffed the ticket for safekeeping overnight in the ashtray of their Ford Transit.
Next morning he and workmates David Brock, 46, Tony Fitt, 56, and David Edwards, 63, realised they were winners.
Syndicate leader Mr Brock, who bought the winner in Downham Market, Norfolk, said: "One of us normally looks after the ticket. Trevor put it in the ashtray. I know it does not sound a very safe place.