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Copenhagen Zoo kills four healthy staff members to make space for new employees

The Copenhagen Zoo has killed several of its staff members early this morning in order to create four new job openings, the Zoo public relations sector reported.

Officials of the Zoo say that the four members of the staff were humanely executed after being put to sleep with a lethal injection, and then skinned and chopped up while visitors crowded around and the meat was fed to the lion population.

"Based on the recommendation of the European Association of Work and Organizational Psychology (EAWOP), we have decided to make space for new work positions, because the Zoo needs new workers, and we found that killing old staff members was the cheapest and the most efficient way to do it," said Zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro "Four of the oldest staff members, among them one female, were put to sleep with a lethal injection and then fed to the giraffes. However, the giraffes didn't show interest in their meat, so they were fed to the lions," explained the Zoo spokesman.
Smiley

Dumbing down America: Miss USA "Should math be taught in schools?"


Funny, but we're not that far from this

No one actively prevents people from learning.

It's not like slave days where it was a crime to teach slaves to reach and write and a crime for them to learn how.

Yet, our culture - as projected by television - doesn't really encourage learning, does it?

This video is a joke, but it skates uncomfortably close to the truth.

What do you call a society that has every opportunity to learn, but actively chooses not to?

"Doomed" is one word that comes to mind.

Comment: There are ample examples that the dumbing down of America is real and that math is close to being viewed as in the video above, though it is satire. See also:

This Common Core math worksheet offers a glimpse into Kafkaesque third-grade hell
Here's another impossibly stupid Common Core math worksheet
Read parent's Facebook response to 'ridiculous' Common Core math homework

Smiley

Scotland to sensibly switch to driving on the right if independence goes through

Scottish road sign
© Stephen Finn/Alamy
Road names will change to reflect independence, with M (motorway) becoming S (Scotland) and A roads becoming N roads (nationalist

Current road signage system would also be scrapped under scheme nationalists say helps show country is 'part of Europe'

Scottish nationalist leaders will attempt this week to give the trailing yes campaign a boost by revealing a series of measures aimed at showing what an independent country would look like.

Seeking to capitalise on the arguments this week about "bullying" England and keeping the pound, they will unveil an ambitious scheme to scrap the current - English inspired - road signage system. M for motorway will be replaced with a new S - for Scotland and the A trunk roads will become N roads - for Nationalist in honour of the new country. Blue will be the predominant backing colour.

The scale of the scheme is enormous: Scotland has 2,174 miles of road, including the 273-mile long A9 stretching from Edinburgh to John O'Groats - known as the "spine of Scotland".

It is estimated that 58,000 signs will have to be replaced - scrapping the famous road sign font known as "Transport" with a new Celtic-tinged typeface, Proclaimer. And it could be that they may take the opportunity to renumber all of Scotland's roads, beginning at one.
Chalkboard

Hilarious response a California second-grader reportedly wrote on his Common Core math assignment

© UTSA.edu
A second-grade student reportedly attending elementary school in California does not appear to be a fan of the Common Core math curriculum.

The 7-year-old's parent sent the Daily Caller a copy of a note that the anonymous child left on a math assignment.
Just delightful. Second grader's revenge on Math http://t.co/HWalTzvHUC via @Yahoopic.twitter.com/dkP6UntgvE
- Akasha Garnier (@AkashaGarnier) March 30, 2014
"17 + 25 = 42," the student reportedly wrote. "I got the assignment by talking in my brain and I agreed of the answer that my brain got."
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Darth Vader announces bid for Ukrainian presidency

Download video (16.57 MB)

Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided to join the Ukrainian presidential campaign. His program involves re-forging the republic of Ukraine into an empire and restoring its former glory.

Vader, the former Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker, won the primaries of the Ukrainian Internet Party, the group said in a statement. He is to be officially proposed for presidential candidacy on Saturday at a party session.

"I am prepared to take responsibility for the fate of this country, if fellow citizens do me this high honor. I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country," the Sith lord said.

Darth Vader has previously taken part in several political actions in Ukraine. The most recent was in November 2013, when he was carried in a sedan chair by a group of Imperial Stormtroopers to Odessa City Hall, declaring himself acting mayor of the city, citing an order by Emperor Palpatine.

Magic Hat

Proof that Kanye West is a vampire

Kim and Kanye

Rapper, father and man-sized toddler Kanye West is also a vampire and there is photographic evidence to prove it.

In a photo taken by Annie Leibowitz from Vogue's April cover shoot, West is seen taking a photo of their baby North and Kim with an iPad, who is also taking a photo of herself while posing in front of a mirror.

HOWEVER!

Kanye is also clearly standing in front of the mirror, but his reflection doesn't appear, which means that he is a vampire because everyone knows that vampires are real and that real vampires do not have reflections.
Hardhat

Pheasant from hell terrorises family on a UK farm


The cock pheasant has seen off dogs, a cat and several vehicles at the farm
An unpleasant pheasant is terrorising a Cambridgeshire farming family and leaving visitors and pets fearful of attack whenever they venture out of doors

In scenes worthy of a Hitchcock film, a furious pheasant is besieging a farmhouse and leaving a terrified family too fearful to venture outside without protection.

Farmer's wife Anne-Marie Hamilton said their feathered terrorist has also been menacing visitors to Wood Farm, attacking vehicles and chasing cats and dogs.

A delivery driver was trapped at the farm in Weston, Cambridgeshire, for 20 minutes after the male bird blocked his path, flew at the bonnet and then chased his van.

Mrs Hamilton, who described the pheasant as "a complete lunatic", said family and visitors can only venture into the farmyard armed with "a big stick' to deter the pheasant from attacking.

"It's an absolute nightmare," said Mrs Hamilton. "Even when you can't see him, you can hear him lurking about. He's never far away so you can't let your guard down. He's a holy terror.
Mr. Potato

HMS Queen Elizabeth Aircraft Carrier

Admiral Sir George Parr discusses the future of the British Navy...

Smiley

At our best: study shows humans display highest cognitive abilities when trying to retrieve object dropped between car seats

lost keys
A study released Monday by neurologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that human beings display their highest range of cognitive capabilities when attempting to retrieve an object accidentally dropped into the narrow space between car seats.

The groundbreaking research paper revealed that most individuals are able to perform extremely complex and otherwise unattainable feats of spatial awareness, tactile sensitivity, and problem solving when faced with reclaiming an item lost within the cramped slot between two automobile seats, or between either the driver or passenger seat and the vehicle's center console.

"While the average person only draws on about 10 percent of their maximum neural capabilities when engaging in most day-to-day challenges, our research showed that the same individual, when attempting to recover a cell phone or parking stub that has slid deep into the crack between car seats, uses nearly his or her entire brain," said professor of neuroscience and the study's lead author James DiCarlo, noting that test subjects utilized the uppermost limits of their perceptive, deliberative, and rational faculties when considering how to regain a wallet or sunglasses lying just beyond reach. "In fact, the instant that our subjects lost an item to one of a car's various crevasses, they immediately called up a battery of sensory sensitivities, planning abilities, and motor skills that the brain is, according to our studies, only able to unlock in these very scenarios."

"What we observed under these conditions represents the very pinnacle of the human brain's vast potential," DiCarlo added.
Smiley

Et tu Putin!? And Other World Headlines from the Sott Satire Desk

Vlad the Impolite

Allegations that Vladimir Putin was a direct descendant of Vlad the Impaler were substantiated today. A leaked video from a Kremlin party clearly shows the Russian Premier avoiding the vol-au-vents (an obvious snub to the French) and attacking the cocktail sausages with a cocktail stick.

*****

Putin truth pandemic hits White House

The White House spokesman who spoke of US unemployment being 37% and not 7%, is continuing to undergo psychiatric testing. An unnamed source stated he may be suffering from a 'truth based' affliction now known as the 'Putin pandemic.'

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Harry Putin and the Chamber of 'trumped up charges'

J.K. Rowling, author of the hugely popular Harry Potter books, sensationally revealed that "He who shall not be named" - Lord Voldermont, was actually inspired by Vladimir Putin.

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Putin Inspires Caesar Rewrite

Compliance with the new UN Cultural Correctness policy gained momentum today as audiences at the Globe theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, England, were reported to be stunned as "et tu Putin!" was exclaimed in their revised adaptation of Shakespeares's Julius Caesar.
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