Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

'Bin Laden' Applies for Island Job in Australia


United Press International
Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:44 UTC
Australian state Queensland's YouTube-based search for an island caretaker has yielded a video application from a man claiming to be Osama bin Laden.

Tourism Queensland is accepting applications via the video sharing Web site for the six-month position of Hamilton Island caretaker, which pays nearly $100,000, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Thursday.

The bin Laden application features video of the al-Qaida mastermind with subtitles citing the terrorist leader's familiarity with "sandy areas" and experience in "large scale event coordination" as reasons that he would be perfect for the job.

"I've got experience with videos and delegating tasks," the subtitles read. "My interests include arts and craft and renovating. I'm outgoing and fun-loving."
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Roses

SKorean granny fails driving test 771 times


Agence France-Presse
Thu, 05 Feb 2009 21:17 UTC
A dogged South Korean grandmother has failed her driving test 771 times, police said Thursday, but a local newspaper reported she will keep trying.

The 68-year-old, identified only by her last name Cha, has taken the test almost every working day since 2005 in the southwestern city of Jeonju. She failed again Monday for the 771st time.

"It was a record-breaking number here," Choi Yong-Cheol, a police sergeant supervising the test in the city's Deokjingu district, told AFP.
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Smiley

Gordon Brown flies Union flag upside down at China ceremony


Agence France-Presse
Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:11 UTC
Image
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been left red-faced after the national flag was displayed upside-down at a ceremony with visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. Even worse, observers note teasingly that the gaffe reflects his current political woes, since traditionally flying the flag upside-down on a ship signifies that it is in distress.

The red white and blue flag, commonly known as the Union Jack, was proudly in place at a ceremony to sign a business deal in Brown's Downing Street office on Monday. But eagle-eyed observers noted that the flag was mistakenly attached upside-down on the wooden stick, placed on the table in front of Business Secretary Peter Mandelson.
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Light Sabers

Masked Man Robs Stores With Klingon Sword


TheDenverChannel.com
Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:13 UTC
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. -- Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword.

The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black mask, black jacket, and blue jeans, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series.

The robber demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount.
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Cow

Downhill Ski Champ Vonn banking on her trophy cow in tough times


Agence France-Presse
Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:34 UTC
Super-G champion Lindsey Vonn
© AFP/File/Olivier MorinNewly-crowned women's world Super-G champion Lindsey Vonn, seen here on February 02, 2009, revealed Tuesday that she was banking on a bizarre prize in current harsh economic times.
Newly-crowned women's world Super-G champion Lindsey Vonn revealed Tuesday that she was banking on a bizarre prize in current harsh economic times.

Vonn received a cow after winning a downhill here in 2005, and spurned the offer of a replacement cheque for 1,500 euros to keep the beast.

She transported the French heifer named Olympe to farmer foster parents close to her winter training base in Kirchberg, Austria.

"It was a lot of paperwork and it was 10 hours by road, she wasn't happy," the 24-year-old American said.
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Smiley

Satire: Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion for Nation


The Onion
Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:24 UTC
Cheney
© OnionCheney tells more than 200 million Americans to "throw or get the hell out of [his] sight."
Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government - $800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney.

According to Secretary of the Treasury and carnival volunteer Timothy Geithner, the 5-foot-deep tank has provided a much-needed boost to the nation's flagging economy.

"We expected a big turn out, but this is unbelievable," said Geithner, adding that it's tradition for the outgoing vice president to work the dunk tank. "More than half the country has already gone, and there's still about 20 million people stretching all the way to Maryland waiting for their chance to sink Cheney. We'll be leaving this booth open for as long as it takes for everyone to get a turn."

According to carnival sources, a visibly irritated Cheney, clad in sandals and a white cotton robe, arrived at the one-day event shortly before 10 a.m. After removing his robe to reveal a black, 1940s-style bathing suit, the vice president reportedly touched his hand to the water, muttered something to himself, and was then helped up the tank's ladder by several members of his Secret Service detail.
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Smiley

New York: Two Suspected Robbers - One Without His Pants - Nabbed By Police

Gene Warner
The Buffalo News
Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:03 UTC
Lackawanna police have arrested two men in connection with a bizarre weekend robbery that left both suspects locked inside the gas station after one of them pulled out a BB gun, detectives reported today.

And police say the younger suspect was caught after he fled through an emergency exit and later was spotted by Buffalo police running on South Park Avenue without his pants.
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Smiley

Florida: Man In Cape Charged With Attempted Robbery


The Associated Press
Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:51 UTC
Suspect also accused of using screwdriver as weapon.

Authorities said a man wearing a sleeping bag as a cape and carrying a screwdriver as a weapon tried to rob someone in the parking lot of a Gainesville business.

Police said Marcus Lee Mattox, 46, approached the intended victim early Sunday morning and asked for money. When the man refused, police said Mattox threw off the cape and pulled the screwdriver from his waistband. The other man quickly ran into a store and called 911.
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Document

Austrian Woman Jailed Over 24,000-Euro Parking Fine

Sarah Marsh
Reuters
Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:39 UTC
An Austrian woman has begun a 500-day jail sentence for ignoring parking tickets and failing to pay a cumulative fine of around 24,000 euros (21,440 pound), police said on Tuesday.

They said the 38-year-old civil servant from the southern city of Graz was jailed after ignoring 700 attempts by local authorities to notify her of the fines over a 2-year period.
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Mr. Potato

Man Calls 911 In Dispute Over Bar Tab

John Poltilove
The Tampa Tribune
Tue, 03 Feb 2009 03:42 UTC
Rhett Hopkins refused to pay his $4 bar tab at O'Malley's bar in Sarasota because, he said, he was an undercover officer with the Tampa Police Department and worked on homeland security.

Only Hopkins isn't an undercover officer with the agency, Tampa police say.

The manager told Sarasota police that Hopkins, 25, couldn't provide law enforcement identification to the bar Sunday morning but that Hopkins insisted he was in law enforcement.

Hopkins called 911 from his cell phone and asked the operator to connect him to his boss, Rick Diaz at the Tampa Police Department, an arrest report states.
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