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Satire: BP has all the money


The Daily Mash
Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:54 UTC
BP
© unknownBP uses tubes to suck money out of your trousers
The mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.

Economists, baffled at the disappearance of more than £1.8 trillion in the last 12 months, now believe it is sitting safely in the account of the multinational oil giant.

Bill McKay, chief economist at Donelly-McPartlin, said: "I'm so relieved. We've been looking for this money for ages.

"Some claimed it had been abducted by aliens, while others insisted it had been stolen by pirates and buried under a palm tree in the Caribbean.

"But I always had a feeling that BP would have it. You see, money is a bit like a salmon. It swims around in the ocean for a while but sooner or later it always finds it's way back to BP."
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Pumpkin

Sarkozy Loses Court Case Over Novelty Voodoo Doll Kit

Heather Smith
Bloomberg
Wed, 29 Oct 2008 22:30 UTC
French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost a court case seeking to halt sales of a novelty voodoo kit that contained a doll in his likeness, needles and a guidebook.

Image
The court in Paris in a ruling today rejected Sarkozy's claims that the doll made by K&B Publishers violated his exclusive right to control the use of his image.

The voodoo doll ''falls within the authorized boundaries of freedom of expression and humor,'' said Judge Isabelle Nicolle in a seven-page decision refusing to issue an emergency order banning the dolls.
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Smiley

Man drives drunk to protest drunk driving charge

Alexandra Zawadil
Reuters
Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:44 UTC
Vienna - An Austrian man, charged with drunk driving, drove to a police station to complain about the charge whilst drunk, officials said on Monday.

The 65-year-old had his driving license and car keys first taken away from him on Sunday after driving while over the alcohol limit in the northern city of Linz.

He then went home, picked up his spare car keys, went back to the abandoned car and drove to police headquarters to explain why he was unhappy with the charge.
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Smiley

Transplanted cornea in use for record 123 years


Reuters
Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:41 UTC
Oslo - Bernt Aune's transplanted cornea has been in use for a record 123 years -- since before the Eiffel Tower was built.

"This is the oldest eye in Norway -- I don't know if it's the oldest in the world," Aune, an 80-year-old Norwegian and former ambulance driver, told Reuters by telephone on Thursday. "But my vision's not great any longer."

He had a cornea transplanted into his right eye in 1958 from the body of an elderly man who was born in June 1885. The operation was carried out at Namsos Hospital, mid-Norway.

"I wouldn't be surprised if this is the oldest living organ in the world," eye doctor Hasan Hasanain at Namsos hospital told the Norwegian daily Verdens Gang.

In the 1950s, doctors expected it to work for just five years, Hasanain said. Such cornea operations date back to the early 20th century and were among the first successful transplants.
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Sherlock

Pub row erupts after feces found in ice cream


Reuters
Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:37 UTC
Sydney - A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.

State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.

"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin," Jessica Whyte told the Daily Telegraph newspaper, recounting what local media are calling "gelati-gate."

The tainted sweet was allegedly served up at the Coogee Bay Hotel, one of Sydney's largest and most popular beachfront hotels, located just a few minutes south of Bondi Beach.
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Toys

Two-day power cut causes 'baby boom' in Dutch community


Agence France Presse
Wed, 29 Oct 2008 09:24 UTC
Baby boom
Two-day power cut causes 'baby boom' in Dutch community
A small Dutch community has recorded a 44 percent rise in baby births nine months after a power cut plunged its 23,000 inhabitants into darkness for two days, a spokeswoman said Tuesday.

In December last year, the blades of an Apache helicopter accidentally severed the high voltage cables providing electricity to the nine villages that make up the municipality of Maasdriel in the east of the country.
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Bomb

Smoking in a Can!

Emma Wall
Daily Star
Tue, 28 Oct 2008 23:53 UTC
Campaigners have slammed a nicotine-packed "fag-in-a-can" drink called Liquid Smoking.

The tipple, made up of 15% nicotine, will be sold in pubs to help punters beat the smoking ban.

Makers have claimed it is a "healthy" alternative to lighting up.

But angry anti-smoking groups have attacked the drink and warned it could glamorise smoking and get more people hooked.
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Control Panel

Polish driver follows GPS directions into lake


Agence France-Presse
Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:59 UTC
Image
© AFP A man testing a car with a navigation system. A Polish driver who was too sure of his GPS road navigation device ended up neck-deep in a lake after ignoring road signs warning of a dead-end ahead, Polish police said Friday.
Photo:/AFP
What happens when you don't rely on your own brain.

Warsaw - A Polish driver who was too sure of his GPS road navigation device ended up neck-deep in a lake after ignoring road signs warning of a dead-end ahead, Polish police said Friday.

"The man took a road that was closed a year ago when the area was flooded to make an artificial lake serving as a water reservoir -- he ignored three road signs warning of a dead-end," Piotr Smolen, police spokesman in Glubczyce, southern Poland, told AFP Friday.
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Mr. Potato

John McCain's brother calls 911 to complain about traffic


Associated Press
Sat, 25 Oct 2008 05:24 UTC
Excerpts from calls made by Joe McCain, younger brother of GOP presidential candidate John McCain, made to 911 and the Alexandria Police after he got stuck in traffic.

Comment: Wait, it gets even scarier:

The operator called the caller back and received this message: "Hi this is Joe McCain I can't take this message now because I'm involved in a very (inaudible) important political project... I hope on Nov. 4th we have elected John."

The operator then called the number back and left a message for Joe about how it is illegal to use a 911 number for anything other than emergencies.

Here's the best part: An outraged Joe called the operator back to complain about being read the riot act about calling 911 and got read the riot act again.

Link

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Mr. Potato

'Joe the Plumber' Mulling Run for Congress

Hill Staff
The Hill's Blog briefing room
Sat, 25 Oct 2008 04:20 UTC
Joe Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. "Joe the Plumber," said Friday he may consider running for Congress in 2010, challenging longtime Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D) in the Toledo-area district.
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