Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Magic Wand

FIFA frantically announces 2015 Summer World Cup in United States

Global soccer tournament to kick off in America later this afternoon

ZURICH - After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer's governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer's 2015 World Cup.

"We are thrilled to reveal that, for the first time in 21 years, the World Cup will finally return to America, with matches set to kick off today at 5 p.m. local time in Los Angeles," said FIFA president Sepp Blatter, smiling broadly before unveiling the tournament's official logo, a hand-drawn stick figure kicking a soccer ball with "USA 2015!" hastily scribbled in black marker above its head.

Comment: See: Yellow journalism, Western political psychopaths and Russia-hating behind FIFA 'scandal' and FIFA 'scandal' = US attempts to impose sports sanctions against Russia


Mocking the empire: Russia's week in humor

The following is a sample of humorous cartoons published this week, courtesy of Russia.

At the rate things are going, they'll soon write that John Kennedy was shot in 1963 by an 11-year-old pioneer named Volodya Putin.


What Happens #IfThePatriotActExpires? ISIS, Hellfire, Doom!

Glenn Greenwald slammed the New York Times Thursday morning for a story quoting numerous anonymous senior officials who claimed that the non-renewal of three sections of the Patriot Act was tantamount to "playing national security Russian Roulette" in a time of unspecified "mounting terrorism threats."

Sensing the true danger involved, many vigilant citizens (starting with @benmarlin) took to Twitter to highlight the imminent, mounting, terrifying terrorist threat inevitably unleashed #IfThePatriotActExpires.

Among the more amusing entries:

Arrow Down

Tony Blair to receive award for lifetime services to war

© kennardphillipps/Reuters
Tony Blair is to receive the prestigious 'War Award' for his lifetime services to war, following his official resignation from his position as Middle East Peace Envoy.

A polarising and an often controversial figure, Blair had denied he was leaving the position he has held for the past 8 years after finally reading the job description, instead maintaining he simply wanted to explore other job opportunities.

"It's always nice to be honoured," Blair said he accepted his award, a large container filled with blood, in front of a small gathering of private security companies and reprehensible individuals he has helped through his work with Tony Blair Associates.

Honoured for his continued insistence of interventionism in Iraq and Syria while occupying the office of Middle East Peace Envoy, private military firms and arms dealers thanked the former Labour leader for all he has done for their profit margins and bank accounts.


Jailbreak! Owners catch their dog carefully climbing a 6ft chain-link gate


After jumping up at the gate as if appealing for help, the dog sets about climbing the 6ft chain-link fence
A dog showed off its athleticism by successfully climbing a 6ft chain-link gate so it could visit its friend next door.

In the clip, which was uploaded to YouTube, two dogs can be seen staring at each other from either side of a large metal fence.

Deciding that their distance apart is just too much, one pooch takes action, showing off its impressive climbing ability.

Initially it jumps up at the fence and appears to be appealing to the video maker for some assistance.

But before long it has a paw-hold on the chain-link gate and suddenly all four of its legs are off the ground.

Moving meticulously, the dog takes its time as it leans back and looks for the best place to put its paws while climbing.


Right-wing Bishop says women are sinning by doing yoga exercises

© Facebook
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these anti-yoga right-wingers?

A conservative Catholic Bishop in Nebraska has issued a warning to women claiming that they are sinning if they practice yoga, and says they should find a different way to exercise.

Retired Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz of the Lincoln Diocese sent a letter to Women of Grace Ministry calling yoga a dangerous practice and "a pagan religion based on heathen beliefs and false doctrine of revelation involving such things as transmigration of souls, and so forth."

That's right. This Catholic Bishop thinks over 20 million Americans are living in sin because they are practicing yoga, which exercises the body and mind through controlled breathing, stretching and meditation.

But because yoga originates from India and is associated with Hinduism, conservative "Christians" around the country have targeted yoga in vicious attacks that include proposals to ban women from wearing yoga pants.

"Certainly, if one wants to engage in physical exercises to strengthen one's body, such a practice would be morally neutral, and would not, in itself, involve anything detrimental to our Catholic faith," Bruskewitz continued.
"The practice of yoga...eventually morphs into an acceptance of points of view, and even doctrinal and moral matters that are distant from Catholic truth and from genuine and authentic Christian revelation.

In our time there are innumerable ways and methods by which appropriate and proper exercise of the human body can be undertaken that present no real danger to our faith or to our Catholic beliefs and commitments. It would be most desirable for persons who are Catholic to abstain from the practice of yoga and use other methods to exercise. We are never allowed to place our Catholic faith unnecessarily in any danger, and certainly the practice of yoga could be an occasion of serious sin."
If conservative Catholics are really worried about succumbing to "pagan" religions just because they adopt a practice originating from another religion, perhaps they should also stop using Christmas trees, mistletoe, or celebrating Christmas on December 25th, which were all adopted from "pagan" religions. It's really the only way to not be a hypocrite.

And conservatives wonder why more Americans than ever before are refusing to identify as Christians. It's because of embarrassments like Bruskewitz and other Christian leaders.


Today marks the 15th anniversary of US Government planning for 9/11

A huge milestone in recent history was recognised today in Washington DC as former US president George W. Bush, along with former vice-president Dick Cheney and former secretary of defence Donald Rumsfeld as they made the journey back to the Whitehouse for an official state dinner with President Barack Obama.

The 15th anniversary of the decision to plan 9/11 was marked in typical grandeur and style with Beyoncé flying at the request of President Obama to sing the national anthem.

The large banquet attended by key figures from the Pentagon and the CIA represented one of the few occasions the American political and security personnel elite honoured the key people involved in the planning of 9/11, which unofficially began in May 2000.


Trekky dream: Chinese millionaire erects $160 million Starship Enterprise HQ

© AFP Photo / STR
This photo taken on May 16, 2015 shows the NetDragon Websoft headquarters building with the iconic circular contours and tubular features of the USS Enterprise, from the US television and film series Star Trek, in Fuzhou, in eastern China's Fujian province.
An eccentric Chinese millionaire and apparently one of the biggest fans of the legendary Star Trek franchise has built his company HQs in the shape of the Starship Enterprise, where the series' characters explored new worlds in death-defying journeys.

The Starship Enterprise'is located in the city of Fuzhou, Fujian province, south-eastern China. It has circular contours and tubular features like its twin from the franchise.

The 'spacecraft' was built by Liu Dejian, the head of Netdragon Websoft Inc, a Chinese company that develops massive multiplayer online games and makes mobile applications, China's People's Daily newspaper reported as cited by AFP. Liu currently takes 320th place on the list of China's wealthiest businessmen, according to Forbes.


Universal musical sounds: Playing a Didgeridoo for the herd

Cows stand to attention for Andrea Furlan playing his 'Butterfly Landscape' didgeridoo.


Busy canal towpaths now have duck lanes to protect birds using them

© Getty
One duck overtakes three others
Don't deny right of way to these mallards or they might end up calling the old bill.

The Canal and Rivers Trust has put temporary duck lanes on busy towpaths in London, Birmingham and Manchester to remind people to respect other users - including the wildlife.

It comes after the organisation warned people against feeding birds and ducks bread .

People were urged to feed our feathered friends "healthier snacks", such as oats, corn or defrosted frozen peas.