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Humans shocked they still haven't figured out alternative to letting power-hungry assholes decide everything


Billions worldwide agreed that, by this point in human civilization, they would have expected a better process than entrusting all their political, commercial, and social decisions to vindictive, self-absorbed ****ers.
Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.

Individuals in every country on earth voiced their frustration that, in spite of generations of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse they have suffered at the hands of those in positions of authority, they continue to allow control over the world's governments, businesses, and virtually every other type of organization and social group to fall to the most megalomaniacal pricks among them.

"We've all seen what this system leads to, so you'd think that by now, someone, somewhere would have sat down and thought up another way to keep our societies functioning without giving all the power to arrogant, amoral dicks whose only concern is improving their own status," said Mumbai software designer Ankan Rao, one of 7.1 billion humans who conveyed continued surprise that their species has so far proven incapable of formulating a method of governance that was even slightly more tolerable. "Everybody dislikes the people in charge and everybody knows they're only serving their own personal agendas at the expense of everyone else, but we just keep allowing these jerks to make our decisions time and time again. And it's not just here - it's everywhere in the world."

"Boy, maybe we shouldn't do that anymore," Rao added. "Anyone have any better ideas?"

Speaking with reporters, citizens across the planet unanimously expressed their bafflement at the consistency with which they either formally or informally select corrupt and self-obsessed sacks of shit for leadership roles in all facets of life, including positions atop corporate boards, judicial and legislative bodies, religious institutions, parent-teacher associations, the military, intramural softball teams, and international and national professional associations, as well as groups of friends deciding where to eat.

Comment: The Onion nails it. You know things are bad when satire isn't so much satire anymore, but cold hard reality.


French boy fakes kidnapping to avoid the dentist

© Shutterstock
Fear of the dentist can make people do strange things to avoid having their teeth checked including inventing a story that you have been kidnapped, as one boy in France did recently. Police spent a month investigating his tale.

The dentist is never the favourite place for children but some youngsters will go to greater lengths than others to avoid having to see one, it seems.

One 12-year-old boy in a village in the Alpine village St Gervais even went as far as telling police he had been kidnapped so he wouldn't have to see the tooth doctor, French paper Midi Libre reported.

The youngster was picked up by police, who spotted him hiding, as they patrolled through the village during the afternoon of May 21.

When quizzed by police the youngster immediately said he had been abducted from the nearby town of Bagnols.

Aloha, aliens: Landing pad for extra terrestrials in Hawaii

UFO Landing Pad
© barry-julie.blogspot
If all goes as planned, E.T. may soon be calling Puna home.

A UFO landing pad and star visitor sanctuary is set to be dedicated Friday on land accreted by the 1983 lava flow fronting Uncle Robert's Kawa Bar in Kalapana.

The 4 p.m. cleansing, purifying and dedication of an 80-foot diameter landing pad naturally formed by the lava on 500 new acres kicks off a three-day Native Hawaiian sustainability conference. The conference, which is being separately organized from the star visitor event, includes Hawaiian music and sessions on sustainability from a range of Hawaiian and non-Hawaiian speakers.

The Hawaii Star Visitor Sanctuary will be the second piece of land officially dedicated for the purpose of inviting extraterrestrial visitors to land and to promote peaceful relations with them, according to information provided by the Exopolitics Institute News Service.

The first landing pad was dedicated in 1967 in the city of St Paul in the Canadian province of Alberta, the news service said in a May 31 article.

"It's potentially controversial," acknowledged Garry Hoffeld, Big Island coordinator for the reinstated Kingdom of Hawaii and assistant to Hawaiian Nobel Robert Keliihoomalu, owner of Uncle Robert's. "It's potentially funny to some people, potentially stupid to some people."

"We're not crazy; we're open-minded," Hoffeld added.
Arrow Down

Comedian John Oliver on the decline of the American empire

After co-creating the political radio show Political Animal and becoming a regular guest on television's Mock the Week, John Oliver received a call to audition for The Daily Show in 2006. He was hired as The Daily Show's "senior British correspondent." In 2008, John Oliver: Terrible Times debuted on Comedy Central. The Daily Show's longtime host, Jon Stewart, took a hiatus from the show in the summer of 2013, during which time Oliver appeared as interim host. He plays a recurring character, Professor Ian Duncan, on the television series Community.


Redacted Tonight: Guns, Bitcoins, press freedom, Occupy, Redskins, & time-traveling Cheney

Team Redacted sends Dick Cheney back in time, gets rich off Bitcoins, defends the name "Redskins," sets a new date for the revolution, AND reveals how thousands of Americans were intentionally poisoned by the Federal Government.

Redacted Tonight with Lee Camp airs every Friday at 8pm EST on RT America and every episode can also be found on Also check out­ht and for new stuff.

Stock Down

Juice Rap News nails it again: The World Coup - THIEFA vs Brazil

THE WORLD COUP! [Juice Rap News S02:E06].

All eyes are on Brazil as it endures... errr.... *hosts* the 2014 soccer World Coup - the most watched sporting event on the planet. Join Robert Foster as he investigates why many Brazilians are protesting against THIEFA, the shady organisation that runs the World Cup, and the rather fascist policies it has introduced to their country "for the good of the game". But Brazil is not the only country to get shafted in this epic episode, which features exclusive interviews with captains of the strongest teams in the running for the notorious WORLD COUP. So, click play and find out why they really call it "The World Game."

Whom to arm to fight ISIS Iraqi militants?

Critics blast President Obama as a Syria-based militant group overruns key regions in Iraq.

Coach Rudkowski's Brass Balls Shoe Throwing

© Joy Camp/We Are Change
Imagine your testicles the size of watermelons...

Coach Rudkowski's Brass Balls Shoe Throwing video you'll learn the amazing training secrets of America's ballsiest shoe-throwing academy. Order today... operators are standing by.


Stephen Hawking: Artificial intelligence could be a 'real danger'

stephen hawking
© Last Week Tonight With John Oliver/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET
Musing on a robot-dominated world, imaginary time, and parallel universes.
I don't want to frighten you. I'll leave it to Stephen Hawking to do that.

The famed physicist made an appearance last night on HBO's "Last Week Tonight," and had a deep and meaningful conversation with host John Oliver. Well, at least Hawking's side of the conversation was deep and meaningful.

Oliver asked him what was the one thing he most wanted people to grasp. Hawking replied: "Imaginary time."

"Imaginary time is like another direction in space," he said. "It's the one bit of my work science fiction writers haven't used."

Honestly, I thought that all sci-fi was written merely by adding blood, gore, and sex to the work of scientists. So why haven't sci-fi writers built stories around imaginary time? "They don't understand it," he said.

I can't pretend to understand it either. However, it's something to do with time that runs in a different direction to the time that gnaws at us every day.

Most importantly, however, Oliver wanted to know about artificial intelligence. Like so many artificial things, it carries with it the idea that it could be noxious or even deadly.

Black Cat 2

Ten laws regulating the esoteric and supernatural

© Batton Lash
When do you need to tell a prospective buyer your house is haunted? Where do you need a license to practice necromancy or to be reincarnated? And where can you file a lawsuit against a supernatural being? These real-life laws will tell you all that and more.

1. In some cases, US home sellers must tell a buyer if a property is haunted.

There are all sorts of disclosures that home sellers must make to potential buyers, but do you really need a ghost disclosure? Some states require a seller to disclose if a property is "psychologically impacted" in some way, such as from a recent murder on the premises.

If your house is famously said to be haunted, however, you may want to make sure the buyer is aware of the situation. In the 1991 case Stambovsky v. Ackley, Helen Ackley had sold her Nyack, New York, property after she and other members of her family had widely reported that the house was haunted by poltergeists. Jeffrey Stambovsky, unaware of the stories surround the house, purchased the home and later sued, requesting rescission of the contract of sale. The New York Supreme Court justices had a field day writing that opinion, stating that the "plaintiff hasn't a ghost of a chance" and "I am moved by the spirit of equity." While the court didn't state that poltergeists actually exist, it did say that, based on wide reports of the house's haunted status, that its value was affected and therefore the house was haunted as a matter of law.