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Mr. Potato

David Cameron To Scottish People ahead of their referendum: 'I'll Kill Myself If You Leave'

In an emotional public address this morning ahead of Thursday's national referendum in Scotland, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron pleaded with the Scottish people to stay and vowed that he would take his own life if the territory votes in favor of independence. "Scotland, the second you leave I will kill myself - I swear I'll do it," said a visibly disheveled Cameron, who spoke with a shaking voice and appeared at several points during the speech as if he was on the verge of breaking down in tears. "How can I go on living if you're gone? If you vote yes to independence, that's it - you can say goodbye to me right now, because I'll be dead the next time you see me. Just look at what you're doing to me!" At press time, Cameron was seen sobbing softly and climbing up the stairs to the top of Parliament's Elizabeth Tower.

Treasure Chest

Social network for Richie Rich begins accepting members for $9,000 apiece

Consider this hypothetical situation: You, a wealthy socialite, want to make friends over the internet, but without encountering any of the riff-raff that hangs out on traditional social networking sites. What do you do?

If you're former Minnesota Philharmonic Orchestra conductor James Touchi-Peters, then you would have resolved this dilemma by launching Netropolitan - an "online country club for people with more money than time."

And for everyone else "Seeking a place to talk about fine wine, fancy cars and lucrative business decisions without judgment," then Touchi-Peters' new project may be the perfect place - his social networking site began accepting members on Tuesday this week. In order to get involved, however, you'll first have to write a $9,000 check for membership in the web's newest, and likely most exclusive, online club.

"James and others have mentioned feeling judged for talking about certain topics on other social media outlets. Like they were bragging and met with a little ill will," messaging specialist Michelle Lawless at Media Minefield told the Los Angeles Times this week. "Netropolitan is designed to be the place to talk about your last European vacation or new car without the backlash."

"I saw a need for an environment where you could talk about the finer things in life without backlash -- an environment where people could share similar likes and experiences," Touchi-Peters, 48, explained to CNN recently. "This is 100 percent real, and I believe there is a need and an audience for this service."

Comment: On that note...


Nessie photographed in English Lake District

Original picture: With the creature in the distance.
It seems that it is not just high-street banks, or hardcore unionists, who are looking for the exit door in Scotland should the country vote yes next week. A photograph has emerged, purporting to show the Loch Ness Monster swimming in Lake Windermere - in the English Lake District.

Scotland's most famous monster was captured accidentally by a photographer who had set their tripod up at the beauty spot in Cumbria, some way south of the border. A creature appearing to resemble the reptilian 'Nessie', with her arched back and long neck, can be clearly seen in the distance. It was taken more than 300 miles from Nessie's mythical, eponymous home.

This week, banks RBS, Clyesdale, TSB and Lloyds both announced they would move their Scottish operations to England following a Yes vote next Thursday. Standard Life has also said it will move some operations from Scotland in the event that the country secedes.


Obama committed to fracture ISIS into dozens of extremist splinter groups

Declaring that the terrorist organization's actions can no longer be ignored, President Obama vowed Wednesday that the United States would use precision airstrikes for as long as needed to ensure that ISIS is divided into dozens of extremist splinter groups.

"ISIS poses a significant threat to U.S. interests both overseas and at home, and that is why we are committed to a limited military engagement that will fracture the terrorist network's leadership and consequently create a myriad of smaller cells, each with its own violent, radical agenda," said Obama during a prime-time address to the nation, stressing that any campaign to transform the group into a patchwork of volatile jihadist factions will not be performed unilaterally, but rather with the support and cooperation of key allies in the region.

"I have already discussed this plan with congressional leaders, and I have no doubt that our efforts will eventually replace this militant organization with many smaller but equally determined groups bent on using extreme brutality to impose fundamentalist Islamic rule. It will not happen overnight, but I can assure the American public that, in time, this group will be defeated, allowing us to focus our attention on the countless threats to homeland security posed by its many immediate successors."

Obama added that while the ISIS campaign will not involve American boots on the ground, he reserves the right to deploy troops should one or more of the spin-off cells grow to be even more powerful.


Funny or Die: Cop v. Black Guy

© Funny or Die
A message from the Unarmed Black Men of America.


COPS Ferguson: Funny or Die's satire on the police militarization America

© Funny or Die
This 2010 episode of COPS shows the early warning signs of a militarized police force.


SOTT satire desk: Bibi's 'rubble bucket challenge', new comets and ISIS

© ONU/Shareef Sarhan
No shortage in Gaza for Bibi's 'rubble bucket challenge'
In a symbolic imitation of the 'Ice Bucket Challenge' craze currently sweeping the world, traumatized Palestinian people have nominated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for the 'Rubble Bucket Challenge'. To commemorate the ceasefire in the recent Gaza conflict, massacre, in which more than 2,130 Palestinians were murdered and some 11,000 wounded, the chosen charity is EPIC (Exposing Psychopaths in Control). EPIC aims to educate all people in matters of psychopathy, psychology and secret history, by sending books and articles to schools and community groups throughout the world.

A sneering Israeli spokesman, having learned the aims of the charity and the somewhat unconventional scale of the proposed bucket (2130 cubic feet, filled with rubble and body parts from the devastated Gaza Strip and to be suspended 33 feet above the Israeli PM) called it completely "disproportionate". He apparently also failed to note the significance of the buckets composition - that of cast iron(y).


Russia asks help from facebook users to teach Obama a history lesson

© Larry Downing / Reuters
U.S. President Barack Obama listens to leaders of Baltic States for a joint news conference at the Kadriorg Art Museum in Tallinn, Estonia.
Russia's Foreign Ministry has asked social media users to help teach U.S. President Barack Obama a history lesson after he claimed Russia is trying to regain territories that it lost in the 19th century.

"Quiz for amateur historians: what parts of Russia ... were lost in the 19th century?" the ministry said Thursday in a Facebook message.

Obama on Wednesday said Russia's involvement in Ukraine was a sign it was "reaching back to the days of the tsars, trying to reclaim lands lost in the 19th century [but] this is surely not the way to secure Russia's greatness in the 21st century," according to a statement on the White House website.

Comment: See: Obama history gaffe: Blames Russia for trying to reclaim Alaska


Latest major scientific breakthrough bumped from front page for picture of a Kardashian

In what is said to be a damning indictment of the scientific community, the latest major breakthrough in scientific research has failed to reach the front pages of most newspapers and media outlets.

Researchers at Harvard University in America have found an instantaneous cure for Aids, Alzheimers and Cancer while also conclusively providing the true meaning of life.

However, these underwhelming breakthroughs have been over shadowed in the media by a picture of a Kardashian, who was deemed more news worthy then discoveries which will save billions of lives.

"You've got to ask yourself if curing aids, cancer and alzheimers was that big of a deal, it would be on the front page, it just would but it's not, so science people should stop moaning," explained internet and Facebook statuses expert Killian Lambert.

Researchers at Harvard pointed out that they had also discovered a way to produce harmless but vital renewable fuels while also solving all water shortages in the third world, yet it seems a picture of a Kardashian in a dress which draws the eye of the viewer to the arse area has pipped these discoveries to the post.


Obama distraught after his calls to Putin go immediately to voice-mail

© Unknown
In what he called "a provocative and defiant act," President Obama charged on Tuesday that Russian President Vladimir Putin has started letting his calls go directly to voice mail.

Speaking at the White House before this week's NATO summit, a visibly furious Obama said that Putin's new practice of letting his calls go straight to voice mail "hampers our ability to discuss the future of Ukraine and other important issues going forward."

Having left dozens of voice mails for the Russian President, Obama said that he tried to reach him via e-mail on Monday night but received an out-of-office auto reply.

"Given what he has been up to in Ukraine over the past few weeks, I find it impossible believe he has been out of the office," Obama said.

The President hinted that Putin's failure to respond to his voice mails could result in additional sanctions and signaled that he did not intend to call the Russian President again. "I have left my last voice mail for him," he said, adding that the last time he called Putin his mailbox was full.

Comment: Satire, but so close to the truth. However, it's not Putin who isn't listening. Mr. Teleprompter-in-chief Obama is the one ignoring the real humanitarian crisis and spouting bald-faced lies about what's really going on in Ukraine. If there's anyone who's more deserving of being 'unfriended', it's Obama and his scriptwriters.