Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


David Cameron stung by jellyfish in Lanzarote - no news on whether or not jellyfish survived encounter

© Georgios Kefalas/EPA
Common jellyfish. The prime minister was stung by a jellyfish off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote.
PM's encounter with sea creature while on holiday in Lanzarote is not the first time that a jellyfish has caused him pain

David Cameron is known for floating serenely above the political fray, suffering very little damage to his own reputation even as his government is forced into U-turns or his ministers are forced to resign.

But on holiday in Lanzarote this week the prime minister's luck ran out. Bobbing gently in the Spanish waters, Cameron suddenly received a painful sting from a jellyfish.

It seems that the PM was warned that "there's loads of jellies down there" as he approached the sea at Arrieta beach, and prudently removed his children from the ocean.

But he waded in himself, subsequently emerging "shouting in pain", one local told the Daily Mirror.

Another tourist recorded his exact quote: "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

Downing Street said the sting was minor and did not require treatment.

Miraculous - man drives car off 80ft cliff in UK and survives

car cliff uk
© Unknown
The arrows show where the car veered off the cliff and landed.
A man who drove his car off an 80ft cliff near Brighton has walked away without any significant injuries.

The driver lost control of his vehicle on the A259 just after midnight on Sunday morning.

He survived the drop because the car "miraculously" managed to clear the promenade beneath the cliff and land on water.

The U.S. can keep it! Putin responds to question about Russia invading Alaska

Would Vladimir Putin invade Alaska? That's what one questioner asked the Russian president during a nationally televised question-and-answer session in Moscow.

"What would you need Alaska for?" Putin responded via a translator, reminding the audience that Alaska was sold to the United States in the 19th century for a relatively small amount of money.

Putin suggested that there would be no interest in acquiring more northern territory.

"We are a northern country, 70 percent of our territory is in the north and the high north. Alaska, is it in the south? It's quite cold up there, let's not be overenthusiastic about it," Putin said.

Putin added that he did not want to have to pay Russian citizens to live in the state.

Watch the video here:


U.S. flight attendant entertains passengers with comedy safety routine

Flight attendant Marty Cobb found a novel way to ensure that passengers listened to safety regulations by turning her presentation into a comedy monologue.

On a recent Southwest Airlines flight to Salt Lake City, Ms Cobb grabbed her captive audience's attention with the following introduction: "If I can pretend to have your attention for just a few moments, my ex-husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are going to show you the safety features aboard this 737 800 series."

She then instructed passengers to "position your seat belt tight and low across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra," before informing them that "in the unlikey event the pilot lands beside a hot tub" each passenger would get their own "teeny-weeny yellow Southwest bikini" as her colleagues held up yellow life jackets.

"One size fits all. To activate the flow of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute. If you're travelling with more than one child, pick out the one that might have the most earning potential down the road," she quipped.

"Basically just do what we say and nobody gets hurt," she concludes in the three-minute briefing, which was uploaded to YouTube at the weekend.

New Jersey German Shepherd gets called to jury duty!

IV Griner
IV Griner of Bridgeton, NJ, pictured, has been ordered to report to jury duty in Cumberland County.
Bridgeton - Could this prospective juror take a bite out of crime?

Cumberland County, N.J., has summoned IV Griner to jury duty. The only problem is that IV is a 5-year-old German shepherd.

Her owner tells KYW-TV in Philadelphia he sorted out the confusion soon after the summons arrived at his Bridgeton home.

The dog's owner is Barrett Griner IV. He uses the Roman numeral for four in his name. He named his dog using the letters "I'' and "V."

The county's judiciary coordinator says the computer likely mistook the Roman numeral for Griner's first name and mailed the summons.

Source: Associated Press

Breaking news! FBI: Al-Qaeda plots to just sit back and enjoy collapse of United States

onion al qaeda plot

All that's needed!
Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a "highly credible terrorist threat," the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Multiple intelligence agencies confirmed that the militant Islamist organization and its numerous affiliates intend to carry out a massive, coordinated plan to stand aside and watch America's increasingly rapid decline, with terrorist operatives across the globe reportedly mobilizing to take it easy, relax, and savor the spectacle as it unfolds.

"We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair," FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. "If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real."

"And unfortunately, based on information we have from intelligence assets on the ground, this plot is already well under way," he added.

Panic in Makurdi, Nigeria Over 'Talking' Chicken

© Unknown
The chicken pictured above is not the chicken accused of talking, but it is crossing a road.
Residents of Makurdi, capital of Benue state yesterday panicked as a story spread that a chicken being taken to market for sale suddenly started speaking in Arabic.

Residents around the 'A' division police station beside Wadata Market, Makurdi fled in different directions over as news of the mystery spread.

Pooch waits 8 days outside hospital for owner

A patient at a Brazilian hospital has had an emotional reunion with his dog after the loyal pet spent eight days in a hospital car park waiting for him.

Seco the dog waited patiently for his owner, homeless man Lauri da Costa, after he staggered into the hospital's emergency ward with brutal injuries from being beaten with a rock, local news site Radio Uirapuru reports.

But what was expected to be a few hours in hospital, in the small city of Passo Fundo, turned into more than a week after doctors found a melanoma on Mr da Costa's face and had to operate immediately.

Copenhagen Zoo kills four healthy staff members to make space for new employees

The Copenhagen Zoo has killed several of its staff members early this morning in order to create four new job openings, the Zoo public relations sector reported.

Officials of the Zoo say that the four members of the staff were humanely executed after being put to sleep with a lethal injection, and then skinned and chopped up while visitors crowded around and the meat was fed to the lion population.

"Based on the recommendation of the European Association of Work and Organizational Psychology (EAWOP), we have decided to make space for new work positions, because the Zoo needs new workers, and we found that killing old staff members was the cheapest and the most efficient way to do it," said Zoo spokesman Tobias Stenbaek Bro "Four of the oldest staff members, among them one female, were put to sleep with a lethal injection and then fed to the giraffes. However, the giraffes didn't show interest in their meat, so they were fed to the lions," explained the Zoo spokesman.

Dumbing down America: Miss USA "Should math be taught in schools?"

Funny, but we're not that far from this

No one actively prevents people from learning.

It's not like slave days where it was a crime to teach slaves to reach and write and a crime for them to learn how.

Yet, our culture - as projected by television - doesn't really encourage learning, does it?

This video is a joke, but it skates uncomfortably close to the truth.

What do you call a society that has every opportunity to learn, but actively chooses not to?

"Doomed" is one word that comes to mind.

Comment: There are ample examples that the dumbing down of America is real and that math is close to being viewed as in the video above, though it is satire. See also:

This Common Core math worksheet offers a glimpse into Kafkaesque third-grade hell
Here's another impossibly stupid Common Core math worksheet
Read parent's Facebook response to 'ridiculous' Common Core math homework