Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Putin 'invades' Cannes with colorful explosives! Russia victorious at international fireworks competition

© AFP Photo / Jean Christophe Magnenet
Fireworks light the sky over the Croisette during the Pyrotechnic Art Festival in Cannes, southeastern France, on August 24, 2014
With their unique and breathtaking pyro-music performance a Russian fireworks company from Kaliningrad has won the "Olympic prize in pyrotechnics" at an international fireworks festival in Cannes.

The Russian team's performance watched by over 200,000 spectators won over the jury by combining tradition and innovation. The magic of Khan pyrotechnic company from Kaliningrad bewitched all members of the jury with a sophisticated and unique show full of intensity called Black swan.

In their concept, the Russian designers explained that their performance set out to create "deep emotions aroused both by the legendary music of Tchaikovsky and enchanting fireworks, while revealing the exceptional grace and beauty of the black swan."

"Black swan is far from being a symbol of sorrow. Maybe one of them will grant you good luck!" Khan says.

Snakes in Suits

Westminster bullying: UK to withdraw independent Scotland's right to use English language

The government has this week threatened to withdraw an independent Scotland's right to use the English language. The announcement is the clearest sign yet that, in the event of a pro-independence vote, the remainder of the UK could hesitate to allow a 'linguistic union' with the new Scottish nation.

Insiders at the anti-independence Better Together campaign are reportedly confident of the gambit's strategic effectiveness. One consultant pointed out to our reporter, even in the event of a vote for independence, the withdrawal of English would leave Scottish delegates at a 'very significant' disadvantage in subsequent negotiations over the actual terms of the separation.

The announcement has proved controversial, with many pro-independence figures accusing the government of 'bullying' Scottish voters. Many have opined that, in the event of a Yes vote, the UK government would be forced to concede when faced with the prospect of losing such icons as Doctor Who star Peter Capaldi. The Yes campaign has, nonetheless, come under pressure for its repeated failure to offer a 'Plan B' on which language to use post-independence, as early suggestions of Flemish or Latin have been quickly quashed by Belgian and Vatican City authorities.

Another area of debate has concerned those countries around the world which already use English as an official language. Supporters of Scottish independence have been quick to foreground the United States and Canada, which are both long-standing members of this category. Unionist representatives, however, have struck back against this argument, asserting that these experiments in linguistic overlap have been 'unsuccessful at best'.

Russia's Central Bank refuses to replace 100-ruble note showing 'intimate parts' of naked Greek God

© Moscow Times
The 100-ruble bill with a picture of Apollo.
A request to have a naked Greek God removed from Russia's widely used 100-ruble note to protect minors has been turned down by the country's Central Bank, a news report said.

Liberal Democratic Party lawmaker Roman Khudyakov had appealed to the bank in July, arguing the depiction of Apollo on the banknote showed "intimate parts of the body" and it should therefore come with an "18+" rating.

But the bank has now told the nationalist lawmaker it will not scrap the bill's image of the Apollo statue from Moscow's Bolshoi Theater portico, Russian newspaper Izvestia reported Friday.

In a letter to Khudyakov cited by Izvestia, the bank's first deputy chairman Georgy Luntovsky said the image of Apollo used on the note is too small for children to discern specific parts of the deity's anatomy.

Granting the image could be regarded as pornographic, Luntovsky said official complaints could only be filed by the state communication watchdog, Roskomnadzor, not by an individual State Duma deputy.
Mr. Potato

Dumb and dumber: Umbrella carrying University of CA staff member surrounded by SWAT team

ca state san marcos swat

Open carry of umbrellas soon to be prohibited.
A SWAT team on the campus of California State University San Marcos surrounded a staff member equipped with protective rain gear this week.

The incident, which occurred early Wednesday morning, was prompted by a call to the San Diego County Sheriff's office of a bald white male, wearing a black shirt and jeans and walking across campus carrying a rifle. This resulted in a shelter-in place order for some 400 staff and students going through orientation before the start of the fall session. Rapidly, facility and classmates banded together to barricade doors with tables and chairs, expecting the worst.

The situation resolved itself after 30 minutes when an umbrella-bearing teacher figured out he matched the description of the alleged gunman and surrendered to law enforcement.

Comment: When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.


Flouride: Because the government cares about your teeth...a lot

flouride psa
© Truthstream Media
The same government that has no problem legalizing all kinds of chemicals that wreak havoc on your entire body...really cares about your teeth. A lot. Enough to add chemical byproducts from fertilizer manufacturing to your water for you whether you like it or not. For your teeth. They don't care enough about you to add, say, vitamins to the water while they're in there adding that fluoride...but your teeth. Yes. Your teeth (and only your teeth) are very, very important to the government.

Brought to you by the Oh Just Shut Up and Drink It Already, Who Even Needs a Pineal Gland Coalition.

Awwww! Chris Pratt wears his Star-Lord outfit for a bunch of hospitalized kids

© Twitter
If you're weary of the internet's non-stop Chris Pratt lovefest, you'll find no solace this week. Pratt once again proved himself in the role of Male Jennifer Lawrence when he visited a children's hospital Wednesday, wearing his Star-Lord outfit from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Here's another photo of cool, nice guy Chris Pratt being cool and nice at Children's Hospital Los Angeles:

Further proof that Chris Pratt is the best (thank you kindly for the photo, @Reddit user angelkirie)
- HuffPost Celebrity (@HuffPostCeleb) August 21, 2014

Canadian hitchhiking robot travels 6,000 kilometers without being murdered

On July 27, a brave robot named hitchBOT bid goodbye to its creators on the shoulder of a highway in Halifax, Nova Scotia. With limbs made from pool noodles, a beer-cooler body, and legs clad in Wellington rain boots, this adorable hodgepodge of a robot was ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. It raised its best hitchhiker's thumb, and waited to be picked up by its first benefactor in its 6,000-kilometer road trip across Canada.

When hitchBot set off, we at Motherboard worried that the trooper might meet a tragic end (and we weren't the only ones). But fortunately, our fears were groundless. Over the weekend, hitchBOT arrived at its final destination in Victoria, BC, intact and thriving after meeting dozens of new friends across the country.


Joy Camp's Emmy Awards 2014: Outstanding psychopath of the year!

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! Here's a leaked clip from the 66th Annual Emmy Awards, scheduled to air August 25th, 2014. Winner announced for Outstanding Psychopath of the year!

Road Cone

Canada: 'Pastafarian' fights to wear colander in B.C. driver's licence photo

© CTV News
B.C.'s insurance bureau is denying a Pastafarian from wearing a kitchen accessory on his head in a government photo.
An unusual religious headwear battle has hit a boiling point in Surrey, B.C., where a "Pastafarian" is fighting for his right to wear a colander in his driver's licence photo.

Obi Canuel, who is an ordained minister in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, says the Insurance Corporation of B.C. is denying him the right to be able to wear the spaghetti strainer on his head.

The 36-year-old says he believed he would be able to wear the kitchen accessory when he renewed his licence last fall because ICBC affirms the right to religious expression.

But, the insurer disagreed. In a letter, they told him "there is no religious requirement that prohibits you from removing the colander for the purpose of taking the photo to appear on your driver's license."

ICBC said its religious head covering policy strive to strike a balance between respect for the driver's religious beliefs and a need to preserve the integrity of the licensing system.

Vatican uncovers rare, long forgotten 11th commandment

Dead Sea Scrolls
© Waterford Whispers News
Reports from around the world have been suggesting for some weeks now that the Vatican had been withholding information on a newly discovered 11th commandment and now the Vatican have finally confirmed the news.

Spokesperson for the Vatican Furio Giunta was sheepish about the exact contents of the 11 commandment but did relay some information to awaiting media.

"Well it's quite long and detailed," explained Giunta, "and actually what astonished the Pope most is how relevant its teachings are in relation to the modern world, which is of course purely coincidental and not contrived in any way".