Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Magic Wand

Satire: If You Put Your Mind To It You Can Believe Anything

Tim Sadler
The Onion
Wed, 31 Mar 2010 12:42 UTC
Sadler
© The OnionTim Sadler
I'm not one of those people who spends his whole life wishing things had turned out differently. Sure, the so-called "real world" can be a pretty cruel place sometimes, but why sit around all day worrying about the way things are when, with a little imagination, determination, and blinding denial, you can convince yourself that everything is great?

It may sound crazy, but I'm telling you, if you put your mind to it, you can make yourself believe just about anything!

Don't let annoying little hang-ups like logic, reason, or even reality stand in the way of what you want to be true. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have, and if you use it correctly, you'll be amazed at all the incredible things you can deny.
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Mr. Potato

Man fleeing Ohio police jumps fence _ into prison


Associated Press
Tue, 30 Mar 2010 22:32 UTC
Cleveland - Police say a motorist fleeing officers in Cleveland abandoned his car and jumped a fence - landing in what turned out to be a prison yard.

Garfield Heights police say the chase started in that suburb early Monday over a traffic violation and reached speeds of 90 mph.
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Heart

Taiwan mafia boss leaves 1.9 million dollars to charity


France24
Tue, 30 Mar 2010 14:33 UTC
Taiwan mafia donation
The family of a late Taiwanese mafia boss has donated 60 million Taiwan dollars (1.9 million US) to charities to fulfill the gang leader's dying wish, the authorities said Tuesday.
The family of a late Taiwanese mafia boss has donated 60 million Taiwan dollars (1.9 million US) to charities to fulfill the gang leader's dying wish, the authorities said Tuesday.

Lee Chao-hsiung, an influential triad leader in central Taiwan, died of liver cancer on March 11 aged 73, local media said.

His son donated the money in his name to disabled people and low-income families as well as four major religious organisations, the Taichung city government said in a statement.
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Mr. Potato

US: Bored streaker


TriCities.com
Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:03 UTC
Daniel Lee
© Kingsport Police DepartmentDaniel Lee was arrested after streaking through a Kingsport (Tennessee) grocery store.
A man who apparently didn't have enough to do has been charged with indecent exposure after a naked runner streaked a Kingsport (Tennessee) supermarket.

The Kingsport Times-News reported 22-year-old Daniel R. Lee of Church Hill told Kingsport police he was "bored and didn't have anything else to do."

Police said a man walked into an IGA store Friday night, wearing nothing but a face mask and ran around the aisles.
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Sheeple

I'm Not the Messiah, Says Food Activist - But His Many Worshippers Do Not Believe Him

Bobbie Johnson
The Guardian
Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:08 UTC
Raj Patel
© Eliot KhunerRaj Patel, author of The Value of Nothing
Members of religious group believe London-born author has come to save the world

The trouble started when Raj Patel appeared on American TV to plug his latest book, an analysis of the financial crisis called The Value of Nothing.

The London-born author, 37, thought his slot on comedy talk show The Colbert Report went well enough: the host made a few jokes, Patel talked a little about his work and then, job done, he went back to his home in San Francisco.

Shortly afterwards, however, things took a strange turn. Over the course of a couple of days, cryptic messages started filling his inbox.

"I started getting emails saying 'have you heard of Benjamin Creme?' and 'are you the world teacher?'" he said. "Then all of a sudden it wasn't just random internet folk, but also friends saying, 'Have you seen this?'"
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Black Cat

Cat killed by car 'comes back to life' nine months after owner buries him

James Tozer
Mail Online
Wed, 24 Mar 2010 10:36 UTC
'Dead' cat w/ owners
© Manchester Evening News SyndicationEight lives left: Angelo Petrillo and son Brandon with 'back-from-dead' cat Alfie
They say cats have nine lives - but no one seriously expects them to come back from the dead.

Yet that is what Alfie the ginger tom appeared to have done nine months after apparently being killed by a car.

Owner Angelo Petrillo buried what he believed to be his pet's battered body after a friend spotted it on the side of a road near his home.
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Mr. Potato

Axis of Hysteria! North Korea Fears 2012 Disaster Film Will Thwart Rise as Superpower


UK Telegraph
Fri, 26 Mar 2010 14:56 UTC
Image
© Columbia PicturesA scene from disaster film 2012: North Korea's government is scrambling to prevent pirated copies of the film 2012.
North Korea's government is scrambling to prevent pirated copies of the film 2012 from getting into the country because Pyongyang fears the disaster movie could jinx its lucky year, according to a report.

The regime's reclusive leader, Kim Jong-il, has said 2012 will be the year that North Korea will "open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower".

April 15, 2012 will mark the centenary of the birth of Kim Il-sung, the founder of the nation who is still revered as The Great Leader - and remains the official head of state despite the fact that he died in 1994.
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Smiley

Satire: Congress To Investigate UFO's


The Spoof
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:05 UTC
Washington DC -- House-Speaker Nancy Pelosi wants to sooth everyone's frayed nerves and get people to think of something else besides health care. Ms. Pelosi will have Congress look into the UFO phenomenon, and decide once and for all if UFOs are real. She will then report the results directly to the American people herself. The cost of the investigation will be high, about $1 trillion.

"Let's just all chill, folks--ok?" Said Ms. Pelosi. "Let's just have a little fun, and think about UFO's for awhile, ok?" She droned.

Ms. Pelosi then went on the Internet inside her office. She spent five minutes of her valuable time looking at a few UFO websites. She pondered the information for a second, and then came to a conclusion: UFOs aren't real. She quickly called a press conference to give her findings.
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Oscar

Canadian cashier says she'll keep working after winning Lotto 6/49 jackpot


The Canadian Press
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:36 UTC
Despite winning more than $20 million Ontario's newest multi-millionaire has no plans to quit her job as a grocery store cashier.

The woman, identified only as Bonnie, won half the jackpot in Saturday's $41-million draw.

She works at a No Frills outlet in London, Ont., and dropped off doughnuts and coffee to her co-workers Monday before heading to Toronto to pick up her prize.
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Smiley

US: Michigan fugitive found in Pennsylvania bar wearing hospital gown


WSBT TV
Mon, 22 Mar 2010 07:02 UTC
A fugitive wanted for bank robbery in Michigan is in police custody after he walked into a Pittsburgh bar wearing only a hospital gown.

Authorities say 20-year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson II walked out of Allegheny General Hospital and into JR's Bar on Friday night in a gown and with a needle in his arm, prompting a call to police. Thompson was taken into custody a short time later.

Police in Vandergrift say Thompson had been detained by officers after fleeing a traffic stop there, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. He was initially hospitalized after complaining of feeling sick and losing consciousness.
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