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SATIRE: Queen Elizabeth rips Chris Christie for stalling gay marriage bill

© Dan Kitwood/POOL/Reuters
Moments after approving a new law legalizing gay marriage in England and Wales, Queen Elizabeth II of Britain unleashed a blistering attack on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for "lacking the guts" to do the same.

The British monarch's brutal evisceration of Gov. Christie stunned observers, who did not know that she was such a close follower of his gay-marriage stance.

"I don't like to badmouth people," she said. "But I'm the head of a monarchy that began in the ninth century, and I'm apparently more modern than Chris Christie."

After shocking observers with her opening salvo, she continued to tear Gov. Christie to shreds.

"Look, I know he has to appeal to the crazy right wingers in his party," she added. "But the fact is, he's not as forward-thinking as an eighty-seven-year-old lady who wears a crown on her head. It's pathetic."


Dubai unveils plans for world's largest human rights violation

© The Onion
When it is completed around 2025, the massive human rights abuse is expected to dwarf all others in Dubai and around the world.
Dubai - Calling it the most ambitious project of its kind ever undertaken, officials from Dubai's Department of Economic Development announced Tuesday the emirate's plans to construct the world's largest human rights violation.

Set to begin later this month, the project, dubbed Saqr Ganzeer, or "Chained Falcon," will reportedly take as long as 10 years to complete and make use of more than 250,000 foreign workers from the Indian subcontinent and other parts of Asia. It is expected to easily surpass all previous record holders, towering over every other abuse of rights in the wealthy Middle Eastern city.

"With this bold new endeavor, we will create the biggest deprivation of basic human dignity the world has ever seen," said DED deputy director Jamal Al Falasi, who according to reports was selected to oversee the project after successfully managing several of Dubai's smaller violations of individuals' freedoms. "None of the others will even come close. Once completed, it will be recognized everywhere as a symbol of Dubai and everything our city stands for."


Demonstrative parrot repeats arguments of previous owners


Rants: Peaches new owners find her rants amusing
This is the parrot that has some very vivid memories of its former owners' break up.

New owner Elaine Sigmon, from North Carolina, recorded a video of her salmon-crested cockatoo reenacting one of the more painful scenes from its old home.

The emotional bird, called Peaches, can be heard hosting a one-man domestic in the bizarre clip.


Pharmaceutical money: Is your doctor taking it?

© Inconnu
Pharmaceutical companies spend many times more marketing drugs to doctors than they do marketing to customers. John Oliver from HBO's "Last Week" had a few issues with that. Big Pharma is a hilariously easy target.

Comment: Sad, but hilarious. For more on marketing to doctors see:


President Mugabe bans all form of stairs from Zimbabwe

President of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has today called for an outright ban on all stairs and steps in the African Republic.

The 90-year-old passed the new law which will see some 10 million stairs leveled across the country as part of a new 'health and safety bill', which he claims will save countless lives.

All manner of elevated platforms will now have to come with a mechanical lift as standard, instead of stairs, putting countless businesses under huge financial strain to meet a no stairs deadline of next week.


Kremlin-funded study shows Obama is a space lizard


The Internet nearly exploded yesterday after it was revealed that a Pentagon "movement patterns analysis expert" concluded - after carefully studying video footage - that Vladimir Putin has an "autistic disorder."

But the study's spectacular findings pale in comparison to similar research funded by the Kremlin, which has clearly demonstrated that Barack Obama is a lizard from outer space.

Top researchers at Russia's Ministry of Defense discovered Obama's shocking lizard secret after analyzing several videos uploaded by YouTube user "LizardWorldGovernment666".


Ukraine to become 51st State!

After the installation of the members of the US-controlled Puppet Government, the logical next step occurred today. The Ukrainian administration has put in its request for admission as the 51st state of the Union. The background to this action is that various US citizens, who were about to be settled into the Ukrainian government, refused to take up Ukrainian citizenship. Ukraine allows its people only one citizenship: Ukrainians who go around with a double passport are subjected by the state to strong penalties.

"We consider that in this way, we can kill two birds with one stone. The Russian aggressor will now have to think twice, about whether they are going to assault American territory," revealed one government spokesperson.

It is intended that Petro Poroshenko will assume office as the governor of this newly created state of the Union. Yatsenyuk, Tyanibok, Yarosh, and Lyashenko will be sent to the House of Representatives and to the US Senate, to take their place with their peers.

Comment: Sometimes satire is closer to reality than one would think!


Priests to get commission on every person they convert to Catholicism, confirms Vatican

© Waterford Whispers News
The Vatican confirmed what has long been suspected by a number of people: they are paying commission to priests for every person they convert to Catholicism.

These latest measures have been introduced to combat dwindling numbers attending church and an increase in numbers leaving the religion.

"We can't deny that we're in trouble, and that we need new followers. We're not picky," explained Cardinal Damien Lombardi, head of the Catholic Recruitment Network.

"We have incentivised this process, allowing our priests to make a little extra on the side," added Lombardi.

The Vatican was forced to admit its policy as priests are increasingly found knocking door-to-door trying to convince non-Catholics to sign up to the faith.


Ducklings show the kitten that they are not that defenseless after all


Time to relax: Amazing photos, unbelievable landscapes on Planet Earth

Happy Earth Day! Every year on April 22, the world celebrates this amazingly diverse planet we call home, focusing on ways to protect it from the often destructive practices of its human inhabitants. While many of these efforts focus on the conservation of Earth's most fragile habitats, we frequently forget just how extreme and alien-like our own planet can be. The photos below showcase Earth's unbelievably varying landscapes and remind us that we often live our lives confined only to a minuscule part of this amazing planet.

Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland

© Education Images/UIG via Getty Images
This strange landscape was formed around 50 to 60 million years ago. The geometric features are actually basalt columns that fractured into these shapes after a volcanic eruption, though legend has it that they're the remnants of an ancient road built by a giants.