Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Unemployed guy's basement selfie video crushes Fox News in primetime ratings


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 28 Apr 2023 19:14 UTC
Tucker Carlson unemployed
The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement.

"This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath."

The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers abandoned us in droves to watch a video labeled 'Good evening', which was just this dude jawing in his basement. We're in trouble."

Panic quickly spread among the top brass at Fox News, as executive producers brainstormed how to win back viewers. "More gold coin ads? No, we already tried that. Think, Bob, think!" said Fox News VP Bob Randall. "Is it physically possible to add any more 'Breaking News' graphics? No? How about making the necklines lower on all the female anchors' dresses? This is hard!!"

At publishing time, the unemployed man had reportedly crushed Fox News primetime ratings once again, this time with a video of himself silently making a ham sandwich.
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Smiley

Fox News fires the only reason people watch Fox News


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 26 Apr 2023 15:02 UTC
tuckr carlson laugh
© ReutersTucker Cartolon
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.

"Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhattan cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!"

When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for several minutes.

Industry experts believe there are other factors that contributed to the alleged firing, including the fact that the company is too broke to pay him after settling a lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems.

Progressives are reportedly overjoyed by the move, although many are saying Fox didn't go far enough by not killing Carlson in addition to firing him. "You mean he's still alive?" said Congresswoman AOC. "Tucker being alive is fascism!"

At publishing time, producers were seen looking through files for another hot blonde to replace him with.
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Smiley

Biden warning: Raise debt ceiling or we might default on our obligations to Ukraine


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 21 Apr 2023 19:15 UTC
biden satire debt ceiling
"We can't let my good buddy Zelensky down!"
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.

"Listen, folks, it's real simple," said Biden to reporters. "We have a sacred duty to send billions to Ukraine to keep the war going. And don't forget our obligations to PBS, the 87,000 IRS agents we're hiring, and free transgender surgeries for at-risk indigenous youth. That takes money. Gotta raise the ceiling-not a joke!"

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy however, disagrees. "We will raise the debt ceiling in exchange for some symbolic spending cuts that make us look fiscally responsible," he said. "Until we get those mild cuts, which will delay the financial and economic collapse of the United States by a full 3-and-a-half seconds, we will not agree to raise the debt ceiling.

"We draw the line here."

At publishing time, the Republicans had caved and decided to raise the debt limit with no spending cuts.
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Smiley

Bud Light smooths things over with new ad featuring drag queen waving American flag


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 18 Apr 2023 19:10 UTC
budweiser bud light drag queen flag satire
© The Babylon Bee
After suffering significant public relations and financial backlash after making trans activist and TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney a spokesperson, parent company Anheuser-Busch is confident their new Bud Light commercial featuring a drag queen waving American flags will fix everything.

"We've definitely learned our lesson!" said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth in a statement released along with the new ad. "We heard the public outcry and we've obviously seen the impact of our mistake on our bottom line and our stock price. That's why we've created this new ad returning to our strong, patriotic roots. Who isn't inspired by a drag queen waving the good ol' red, white, and blue?"

The beverage giant's marketing department was sent back to the drawing board to perform damage control on the Mulvaney situation, settling on an emotionally stirring commercial depicting a flamboyantly dressed, flag-waving drag queen riding a star-spangled chariot pulled by the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales. "This really captures what we envision as today's America," said marketing team member Greg Burke. "Unabashed patriotism and fabulous trans imagery combined into one ad! There's no way anyone will be offended by this one!"

Executives expressed confidence that this new commercial will reverse all the damage caused by the Mulvaney gaffe since blue-collar consumers in middle America all still love grown men dressed as women.

At publishing time, the marketing team was already planning future ads featuring appearances by RuPaul and Caitlyn Jenner, as well as a salute to Admiral Rachel Levine.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.



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Smiley

Parents just relieved teen who came home drunk wasn't drinking Bud Light


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 15 Apr 2023 15:55 UTC
concerned parents drunk child satire
© The Babylon Bee
Local parents Tim and Julia Yoder were understandably upset when their 17-year-old daughter Carlie came home drunk last weekend. However, their anger quickly turned to relief upon learning that Carlie had not, in fact, been consuming Bud Light.

"I mean, we were certainly disappointed that she was drinking while underage," her father Tim noted. "But at the same time, we're glad that she was responsible enough to choose a less-woke brand of alcohol."

Carlie's mother Julia said they tried hard to raise their daughter right and instill her with strong values. "I'm not proud of this, but both Carlie's father and I experimented with Bud Light when we were younger," Julia said. "I'm very proud that we raised our daughter to make better life choices and avoid some of the mistakes we made in the past."

For her part, Carlie said the temptation to drink woke beer was definitely there. "Some of the kids had Bud Light at the party. Someone even brought some of those commemorative Dylan Mulvaney cans," she said. "But I knew deep down that was wrong, so I just pounded a 12-pack of Yuengling and called it a night."

At publishing time, the Yoders announced they would be surprising young Carlie with a new car as a gift for her responsible behavior. "We really couldn't be more proud of her," his mother said. "She's a really good kid."

Comment: The nightmare is real:
bud light light satire lbgt


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Guinness

Drunk Irishmen say they understood Biden's Dublin speech perfectly


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 14 Apr 2023 22:03 UTC
biden ireland pub
© GettyBiden hits the pub with the boys.
Despite claims from conservative media pundits that President Joe Biden's tour of Ireland was a disaster due to several verbal gaffes and nonsensical statements, a group of intoxicated Irishmen released a statement saying they were able to understand every word of what Biden said.

"That Biden fella sure can spin a good yarn, don't ya know?" said Seamus O'Reardon after finishing his seventh pint of Guinness before lunch. "I know he catches a lot of flack for not bein' able t'speak clearly and all, but I've never heard such perfect pronunciation of our old traditional Connacht Irish dialect. T'was just the way me dear old mother would speak when she was three sheets t' the wind every marnin'!"

Critics of the Biden administration were calling the trip an embarrassment after the President had confused New Zealand's "All Blacks" rugby team with the "Black and Tans," a brutal British police force deployed against Irish rebels in the 1920s. This was followed by Biden saying he was never going to leave Ireland, a pledge millions of American citizens wished would be true. All speeches given in Ireland by Biden, though thoroughly unintelligible to English speakers, were clearly heard by O'Reardon and his fellow drunk Irishmen.

"Gifted orator, the man is," said Paddy Devitt. "Understood every word of it, I did. He told a beautiful story of his childhood in Ireland, with his good friend Corned Beef Pop."

At publishing time, while on his way back to the United States, Biden was overheard asking aides aboard Air Force One why he hadn't met any leprechauns trying to hide bowls of Lucky Charms from children as he expected.
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Smiley

Democrats throw biggest-ever fundraiser for Trump campaign


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 04 Apr 2023 23:54 UTC
trump supporters arrest manhatten
© Angela Weiss/AFP via Getty ImagesSupporters of former President Donald Trump outside the Manhattan District Attorney's office in New York City.
Donald Trump's campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.

Sources say that as Trump arrived at a New York courthouse for the fundraiser this morning, his campaign raised millions from energized citizens eager to support the only presidential candidate indicted by a Soros-funded DA.

"At this point, if someone hasn't been indicted by a corrupt Soros DA, can you even trust that person?" said local Trump voter Bubba Gruggs, while clicking the "donate" button on the latest email from the Trump campaign.

Experts say that the Trump indictment will firm up his base of supporters who believe the country is run by corrupt, out-of-touch bureaucrats who also happen to be Satanic pedophiles and alienate him with kooky conspiracy theorists who think that America's leaders can be trusted.

At publishing time, it had been revealed that half the donations to the Trump campaign came from Democrat activists who are desperately hoping he runs again.
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Smiley

People with functional taste buds continue decades-long boycott of Bud Light


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 08 Apr 2023 23:49 UTC
men beer bar
© The Babylon Bee
As conservatives across the nation vowed to no longer drink Budweiser products, people who possess functional taste buds have promised to continue their decades-long boycott of Bud Light as well.

"No way I'm ever drinking Bud Light," said local man Jimmy Billings. "Wait, there's a boycott?"

According to sources, no human with taste buds has finished an entire bottle of Bud Light since the brand's inception in 1982. "We still have a pretty big following of people who don't have tongues," said CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Oh, and also people who burned their taste buds off with a Hot Pocket. Huge Bud Light fans. The taste bud boycott has been a challenge, but we have persevered."

While Bud Light's partnering with Dylan Mulvaney has led to controversy, people with the ability to taste have no plans to change their beer choice. "I guess I would boycott Bud Light if I ever drank it, but that would require me to shave my taste buds off with a razor," said local man Ron McAllen. "And I don't really want to do that, it sounds super painful. So, I'll just stick with the New Belgium amber I'm sipping here."

At publishing time, people with taste buds promised to also continue their long-standing boycott of Peeps.
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Smiley

Sick of same old crime and violence, Chicago tries electing a Democrat this time


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 06 Apr 2023 18:53 UTC
brandon johnson Chicago mayor
After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.

"Maybe this Democrat will be different," said one local business owner while sweeping up the broken glass from her store after getting robbed for the 15th time this year. "We tried Democrats 4 years ago, and also before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, going back to the early 1900s. I sure wish there was some other kind of thing we could choose that would help."

"Oh well."

As violence and despair continue to rise in the city, Chicago remains hopeful that maybe this Democrat politician implementing the same Democrat policies will somehow achieve a better result than all the other times it's been tried.

"I sure hope something changes soon," said Chicago resident Oprah Winfrey from her luxury high-rise condo. "I heard a rumor that my assistant's driver's intern's errand boy got shot in the face last week! Terrible!"

At publishing time, thousands of criminals had celebrated another Democrat being elected by firing their guns in the air.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces:



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Smiley

Ultimate marketing: Beverage pretending to be beer runs ad featuring man pretending to be woman


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 02 Apr 2023 16:40 UTC
Dylan Mulvaney bud light satire
In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.

"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"

Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women. "As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."

While a few in the media questioned the move, so far Bud Light fans have welcomed drinking out of a can featuring the face of a guy with a little girl fetish. "It really completes the experience," said Bud Light fan Mason Olsen. "If that dude with his massive jaw can pretend to be a little girl - well, I can pretend this is real beer. It's pretty inspiring."

At publishing time, activists had resumed calling for America to stop keeping trans people invisible.
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