Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Oscar

Canadian cashier says she'll keep working after winning Lotto 6/49 jackpot

Despite winning more than $20 million Ontario's newest multi-millionaire has no plans to quit her job as a grocery store cashier.

The woman, identified only as Bonnie, won half the jackpot in Saturday's $41-million draw.

She works at a No Frills outlet in London, Ont., and dropped off doughnuts and coffee to her co-workers Monday before heading to Toronto to pick up her prize.

Smiley

US: Michigan fugitive found in Pennsylvania bar wearing hospital gown

A fugitive wanted for bank robbery in Michigan is in police custody after he walked into a Pittsburgh bar wearing only a hospital gown.

Authorities say 20-year-old Elbert Lewis Thompson II walked out of Allegheny General Hospital and into JR's Bar on Friday night in a gown and with a needle in his arm, prompting a call to police. Thompson was taken into custody a short time later.

Police in Vandergrift say Thompson had been detained by officers after fleeing a traffic stop there, about 25 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. He was initially hospitalized after complaining of feeling sick and losing consciousness.

Mr. Potato

Satire: U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

Ben Bernanke
© The OnionCalling it "basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper," Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much "$200" is actually worth.
Washington - The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

Calling it "basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper," Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much "$200" is actually worth.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we...if we..." said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this - this so-called 'money' - really matters at all."

Mr. Potato

Relax, Legal Scholars: Supreme Court Bobbleheads Are Safe at Yale

Justice Souter bobblehead
© greenbag.org
We try to never miss New York Times SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) reporter Adam Liptak's column -- he is always tracking down some interesting legal character or getting behind the scenes in an interesting trial.

But somehow we missed his piece yesterday, and we thus missed this: Yale Law School's Lillian Goldman Law Library is acquiring, and safekeeping for posterity, bobblehead dolls depicting the Supreme Court justices.

The justices (Yale picked up Rehnquist's most recently) have been standouts all of their lives, and their bobbleheads are no different.

Display

Burglar busted after using company's computer

myspace.com
© unknown
Kennewick, Wasington - A burglar who spent about five hours on a store's computer after breaking into the business gave police all the clues they needed to track him down.

Investigators say the 17-year-old logged into his MySpace account while at Bella Office Furniture and that made it easy for them to find him.

He also spent time looking at pornography and trying to sell stolen items, all while using the business' computer.

Beer

US: Arizona town opens time capsule, minus brandy

Somerton is missing a bottle of brandy.

When officials of the Arizona community opened a time capsule Saturday, they discovered town history - all except a bottle of brandy that was supposed to be in the capsule buried 25 years ago.

Somerton street and solid waste supervisor Pancho Soto was part of the crew that buried the time capsule.

Green Light

Fake cop arrested after pulling over a real one

Phoenix - An Arizona man accused of admonishing motorists of traffic laws while posing as a police officer apparently picked the wrong driver to pull over.

A Maricopa County jury on Tuesday found 62-year-old David Word guilty of impersonating a lawman for pulling over an off-duty police officer. Sentencing is set for May 5.

Avondale police officer Matt Lydic says he was on his way to work in his personal vehicle last May when Word pulled him over while driving a black Ford Crown Victoria equipped with lights and a siren. Lydic says Word told him to slow down, then drove away.

The officer noticed police-style equipment in the car and copied down the license plate, which came back registered to Word. Police arrested Word at his home in Surprise.

Roses

Passers-by call Colorado police over topless gardener

A nudist in Boulder who was threatened with eviction last spring for gardening outside wearing only pasties and a thong has caused another stir by gardening topless. At least four callers told police 52-year-old Catharine Pierce was in her yard topless on Wednesday. State law prohibits exposed genitals, but Pierce was wearing a thong and gardening gloves.

Bulb

Pants for Dogs go with the flow

Dog wearing pants
© Mike SiegelPants for Dogs are "panties with panache" developed by Neena Pellegrini of Seattle. They come in many sizes for all breeeds. The pants for English bulldogs and French bulldogs have no tail hole, because a tail hole is irrelevent for that breed.

Dog lovers are a resolute lot when it comes to solving their pets' problems.

Pants for Dogs: For protective purposes

Sounds crazy to anyone who hasn't had a dog with a bit of an incontinence/dribbling problem, or a female dog that hasn't been fixed. But those of us who have owned and loved such a dog have spent more than a few minutes wishing Depends came in canine configurations.

Neena Pellegrini to the rescue.

She's the founder of Pants for Dogs (pantsfordogs.com), a little Seattle-based cottage industry filling hundreds of orders for tiny- to massive-sized panties for female dogs, and, for male dogs, items she calls cummerbunds (although the waist isn't, in a precise sense, the true target, of course). Each garment in its own way protects rugs, floors and whatever else needs protecting from the drips and streams we'd rather not contemplate (and certainly not discuss).

The business started four years ago when Pellegrini's little male dog kept marking her little female dogs. A training issue, most would say. But improvement doesn't happen overnight. How do you protect the girls?

She found some canine "belly bands" marketed for more or less that purpose, but the fit wasn't great, the elastic chafed, and the durability was less than ideal. So Pellegrini re-thought the concept, came up with some design specifications and found a seamstress willing to stitch some up.

Folks started asking about them, and Pellegrini, a journalist by trade, decided to perfect the cummerbund design even further, get a few dozen made "more as an amusement, really, just to see what might happen," and came up with a design for girl dogs. Pretty soon she was plying her attractively patterned creations - into which a sanitary napkin is slipped - online.

Many of her customers are owners of female purebreds that need a little something when they come into season. So in recent days, during Westminster, Pellegrini has set up a booth in the dog-friendly hotel across from Madison Square Garden, joining a handful of other dog-products vendors.

House

Goat fans, cities butting heads

Walking pet goats
© Alan S Weiner for USA TODAYNeil Montacre takes two of the family's Pygmy goats for a walk in Portland, Ore., last month. Miniature goats, about 18 inches tall and weighing up to 60 pounds, are becoming popular, practical pets.
Herd the latest? Miniature goats, 'tame' as dogs, blaze trails in U.S. neighborhoods

Looking for a pet that can live in your urban yard, answers to its name, wears a leash for strolls - and might produce milk you can drink or turn into cheese?

Meet the miniature goat.

That's the case goat fans are making to city officials across the USA. Hillsboro, Oregon., held three community meetings this year, including one last week, to ask residents whether goats and chickens should be added to a list of acceptable pets. City spokeswoman Barbara Simon says views run "more pro than con."

The Carbondale, Illinois, Planning Commission was debating this month whether to allow residents to keep chickens when Priscilla Pimentel, a member of the city's Sustainability Commission, added goats to the mix.

"If you can have a 250-pound dog in town, why not a miniature goat that can produce milk?" she says. "It's just common sense." The Planning Commission hasn't made a recommendation yet.